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Thursday, January 19, 2012

HOW DO YOU FEEL LOVED?

"I'm 28 years old and my husband is 48 years old. We met 4 years ago and have a 2 year-old daughter together. I'm so confused with our marriage. I love him, but I'm not sure how much more I can take. He has 3 kids from a previous marriage. Their ages are 26, 21 and 10. The ten year-old daughter lives with us since he has primary custody, but she has Down's Syndrome and he does everything for her! I mean everything--wiping her bottom, bathing her, brushing her teeth and carrying her around stores because she doesn't want to walk. I worked in a group home for adults with different levels of mental retardation and Down's Syndrome and they were all expected to bathe, cook, clean and some even worked(with supervision, of course). So, I know it's possible for her to be somewhat independent. I feel he's hindering her development by babying her so much. This takes time away from our alone time, which isn't so much anyway since he works two jobs. His daughter also has some very bad habits that are hard for me to understand. She plays with her poop in the restroom and is really rough with and mean towards our 2 year-old daughter. I've done research on Down's Syndrome to try to understand the condition a little better, but that didn't help.
There's also a custody battle going on with the ex-wife. My husband asked for child support a year ago and now she's trying to get primary custody. We are dealing with court dates and social studies. The ex-wife had caused many problems for us and she and I have even had confrontations that nearly got physical. I'm just so tired of everything and I'm not sure how much more I can take.
In addition, my husband's 21 year-old son hates me. He calls me bad names to my face and walks into our house without even saying hi to me. It's as if I don't exist. I'm not comfortable around him! I've talked to my husband about all this, but he gets upset as if I've hurt his feelings. I don't know what to do. Every day is a struggle for me. I want some advice on this. I resent the daughter now and don't even like being around her because of her gross behavior and the problems with the ex. I know it's not the daughter's fault that we're in a court battle and I know she didn't ask to be born with Down's Syndrome. I know it's wrong to feel the way I feel and that's why I'm asking for help. I hope I don't sound like a bad person"--Confused


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Dear Confused,

You've got a couple of problems, both tracking directly back to dysfunctional communication with your husband. You're dealing with the challenges involved in parenting a disabled individual and with the issues that often come with the step-parenting role. Not all Down's Syndrome kids have the same challenges and same abilities, but it sounds like reality of your step-daughter's abilities can't even be addressed. You're right that many people with Down's can actively participate in many activities and they can often care for themselves with supervision.

It sounds to me that you married a caretaker. Your husband's life sounds like it revolves around taking care of others. You say he works two jobs and you imply that he's resistant to his daughter learning to do some basic things for herself. If he were open to hearing these observations, a loving partner could share them. You've tried talking about the issues and your feelings, but this hasn't apparently gone well.

From your mentioning yours and your husband's ages, I suspect you think this could play a role in the problems you're having. All relationships are challenging at times, but unequal relationships are even harder.

So here's the hard news--you and your husband need several serious talks about this relationship. It's not good that you feel so distressed in your own life. You need to share your feelings and concerns and he needs to hear them. He also gets to tell you his perspective--which will be very different from your own--and you need to listen to him. On top of all this, your husband needs to level with his adult son that his behavior in your home is unacceptable. Is your husband afraid that he'll lose contact with his son?

There seems to be a theme of your husband always bending over backward to "help" and be available to his children, but he's not really helping them by accepting their anti-social behavior.

Whether the two of you can have honest dialogue about all this is unclear. You may need an objective third party to help sort all this through. If so, get help soon because you seem to be near the end of your rope.

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Do you know what triggers your mate to feel loved? I'm often surprised when clients can't answer this about their partners. Do you know when you feel loved? Valentine's Day is coming up soon and lots of money will be spent in an attempt to show love. Lot's of folks hate this holiday, saying it's a manufactured holiday, designed to get your money and there's some truth in this, but many love this celebration.


Still, to better target your gift--if you're a Valentine participant--you need to know the answer to what makes your partner feel loved. Some women love getting a splashy bouquet of red roses delivered to their place of work. This feels like a demonstration of them being loved, seen by all those they work with. Others hate cut flowers.


While some love special dinners and expensive gifts, these mean nothing to some. There are also individuals who struggle with their partners doing nothing on the "day of love."


So, what makes you feel loved? Many have to think about this.


Consider those times you've felt most cared for by your mate--was it when he got you something you hesitated to get for yourself? Or did he do something for you, even though he had to go out of his way to do this service? Different people feel loved differently. You need to know the ways in which you feel most loved and you need to listen to your partner. He may have a very different way of receiving this. For some, it's neither roses nor sex. They kind of expect that regularly.


This Valentine's Day can be a great experience...if you know your own and the other person's triggers.