THE PROBLEM WITH KIDS...

We parents have a tendency to judge whether or not we've done a good job by how our kids are doing. But that perspective ignores the very real fact that our children have minds of their own. They make choices and, particularly when they're adults, those choices determine what they do with their lives.

But we stubbornly feel that when our kids do badly, we must some how be responsible.When people do really good things or really bad things--like the theater massacre in Aurora--that their parents are somehow to blame. There is no question that as parents, we have a lot of impact. Massive impact. This doesn't mean, however, that our children don't determine their own futures.

Raising children is incredibly complicated. They yell "no!" at you when they're two years-old and stubbornly refuse to pick up their shoes when they're twelve.  They're always there when you have your most difficult moments; always underfoot when you are most frustrated. This is in the nature of the job and sometimes the job sucks. It isn't for everyone.

No matter how we look at it, you can't assume complete responsibility for how they turn out.

Parents tend to torture themselves if their kids fail to flourish or if they do awful things, but we as parents can only be responsible for our own actions. How you lived and parented is more a reflection of you than how your child decides to function eventually. Confession Moment--I happen to have two daughters who are pursuing major education. One is earning a Ph.D. in psychology and the other is training as a medical doctor. Big goals. There are moments when I'm asked if I'm proud of them and I always hesitate in my answser. On the one hand, they are each very successful in their educations and will probably be terrific in their future jobs. On the other hand, I can't pat myself on the back because of their achievements. They've both worked really hard to get where they are and they've both dealt with big challenges along the way. (Sadly, they'll both graduate with a mountain of education-related debt, too.) Even though they are terrific people, they've made choices that have been seriously painful for me. They have the right to direct their lives and, because I love them, I care about their lives.

I applaud their successes and rejoice in these, but I can't take responsibility for them. I feel good about my part in their achievements--I made sure they learned to read well. This took some doing, but we met with success. I was massively determined to help in this area and I feel really good about what I did. There are parenting moments I don't feel as good about, too. We all have these.

Whether children who grow into adults do well or fail miserably, we parents can only give ourselves credit or grief for the role we played.