IS YOUR RELATIONSHIP DETERMINED BY HISTORY?

When counseling with individuals about relationship problems, I frequently hear, "We knew each other since we were kids. I've known him(or her) forever." This is almost invariably uttered when clients attempt to tell me why they're still in a troubled relationship. (I always ask why people have continued these involvements, as their answers can be revealing to both them and me.) In some cases, they simply tell me that they love their partners and can't imagine life without them, which is a good place to start from.
This sense of shared history feeds large chunks of Facebook users and gives some a sense of continuity and security--even when there was no security originally and the history is deeply flawed. Somehow, having known an individual for a period of time seems to link folks together, even when what they've mostly shared is trouble. They feel connected. The stories abound of couples reunited after years of pursuing other relationships. People meet again at reunions; they track each other down via the internet; they meet again by chance. The reason for the original split may have been forgotten, may no longer exist or they simply might have been young and needed to gain life experience.

Even when you weren't friends--years back--with someone you knew, the sense of time can link you.

This time-linked phenomena can work against people, too. Parents grieving the loss of a child may separate because memories of the living child--and reminders of the painful loss-exist everyday with the other parent. Parents often split after the death of a child. It's just too painful.

Memory-connections typically bring comfor, though. Even when that comfort isn't valid and you aren't safe. By all means, fulfill your urge to connect to your past--but don't forget what actually existed there and don't assume that history won't repeat itself. In fact, you should assume that this is a possibility and if you've had a conflicted, difficult history, look before leaping.

Be aware of making sure the things that initially troubled you are now different, either in yourself of in the other person. You might have been young and stupid. Maybe you didn't recognize gold when you saw it. Maybe the other person made mistakes they now regret. If so, this needs to be said. Ignoring old ghosts can bring you to an even greater sorrow.

Clear the air and realize that history doesn't determine anything. The choices you both make now can bring you joy or regret. Shared history can be a lovely thing, giving you lots to talk and reminisce about. It can also be harsh. Protect yourself by checking to see which is which.