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This is Relationship 101. No one likes to lose. Losing sucks and if you feel like your mate wins every argument, you won’t stay there long. Some folks try to deal with this winning-losing issue by never fighting, but this just doesn’t work.
Like it or hate it, all relationships have conflict. Even if you search for a mate with whom you share all values and even if you try to share all thoughts/perspectives/opinions, you still won’t agree about everything. Disagreeing about issues is natural and won’t kill a relationship, believe it or not. Having differing views of life issues isn’t always a bad thing. You need someone of the other end of the teeter totter.
It is bad, though, when your arguments always end with one person as the victor or if one person just agrees. Not only does this set the winner up with an incomplete view of things, it leaves the silent, loser half of the relationship feeling, well, like a loser. This is a pretty crummy place to be, particularly if you feel like you're always the loser.
While relationships can function for a while with this dynamic, eventually the loser gets tired of being the loser. Even if the mad feelings don’t stack up and choke the relationship right away, loser-ness will eventually, quietly kill the love. It just dies.
Everyone needs to feel like their point of view is acknowledged and valued. Winning an argument can be as simple as having your mate own up to the fact that you have a point. Apologies are nice, too, but only when they’re sincere. You can’t just pull an apology out every time you’re fighting. This gets old.
Sometimes, the winner in a relationship will claim that he or she just naturally has more logic or common sense or whatever. Don’t be hooked in by this admittedly comfortable thought. Sometimes, you are wrong. That’s just reality. Not always, but every now and then.
It is important to see that both of you have valuable contributions to the relationship. Even when you disagree, you’re both usually partly right. This is typically easier to see when you assess what you both want—i.e. even if you argue about money, you both want to be out of debt, you both want your in-laws to get along, you both want both of you to be happy in your jobs, you both want your children to do well. Whatever.
The point is that you’re not so far apart on most issues. You may have different concerns and you certainly will have different things that you see as important. The truth is that these things are both important. Maybe to greater or lesser degrees, but still both concerns are, well, concerning.
Being right sometimes is massively important, though. Don’t just give in because you don’t like the messiness of fighting. Arguing isn’t usually fun, but talking about your different opinions, bringing different views to the table, that’s important.
Just make sure everyone is hearing and heard. Losing all the time really hurts the relationship. If you’re both sharing your take on things, you both have a say in the relationship. This will take effort, but it pays off. Don’t give up. Just remember teeter totter. It’s more fun when someone’s on the other end.
