DON'T JUST ASK

When clients sit in my office, explaining their relationship problems, I always ask about their communication and they always tell me that they listen well. I believe that they think they listen, but if their relationship partner is sitting in the session with them when I ask this question, they often shake their heads when I ask if their mate listens to them.

You think you're listening, but your partner doesn't feel heard. Something isn't working.

Many times, when partners are in the middle of conflicted conversations--that's all some relationships have--there's lots of talking, but no one is listening. This generally goes both ways, but your focus needs to be on what you're not doing. After all, you can change this.

Let's start with that one--look at yourself and what you are or aren't doing. I'm not saying everything is your problem or that you're the only one causing issues, but you have the most direct power over what  you do. It only makes sense to start changing what you have direct control over--you.

The question isn't so much whether you think you're listening to your partner(most of us do think this). Ask your partner whether he or she feels heard by you.

Basic question. Needs to be asked simply. Don't add a lot of words to it, just ask.

Some of us talk too much, while others don't say nearly enough. To find out what's happening with your partner--you need to ask. Then listen without interrupting. Don't rush in to explain yourself. Absolutely don't say, "No, you don't feel that way." (I mean, who's the one who'd know best? You or your partner?)

If your mate claims that you don't listen, then maybe you'd better find out more. First, say that you want them to feel heard. This is true if you have any interest in the relationship. Yes, you want to feel heard, too. But you really do what him to feel you listen.

Next, invite your mate to tell you whatever she'd like.  You may get blasted, but maybe not. Either way, resist the natural urge to defend yourself or explain whatever she's not taking into account. (Trust me, the urge will be strong.)

Then do your best to listen hard enough to be able to repeat back to her--to her satisfaction--what she said.

It's not enough to ask what's going or what's bothering him. You need to be engaged enough to be able to tell him--after he's told you--what's bothering him. Please don't try to tell him what you think is bothering him. It'll probably be wrong.