LET'S BLAME THE MOM

"My stepson is ten, and has no boundaries. At his mothers home, he's allowed to watch any rated show and movies and play any kind of video games any time and as long as he wants. He's allowed to wander the neighborhood and go to the store with friends or alone. He eats and drinks whatever he wants anytime. When he doesn't want what's been made, he's made something else at his mother's. At our home, he's not allowed to have any of these freedoms, and he's disrespectful when he is made to come visit his father. He whines incessantly about how boring it is and how lame we are. He paces the house, saying he's bored.

 

 He talks my daughter(shes 8yrs old), his half sister, into asking one of us if  'they' can do something she wouldn't normally ask for because she knows she not allowed to. I don't know if he thinks she'll get us to say okay.  He complains that he 'hates the cello!' his sister plays, instead of just going somewhere else while she practices. He hates the kind of music we listen to, so he makes rude points about it, as well. If he doesn't like what we have to eat--even if we make something just for him because he's said he likes it--he just doesn't eat or he asks for one thing, then sneaks a bunch of bananas or puddings and eats them until they're gone. Then, when he goes home, he tells his mom we didn't feed him.

 

Its becoming a lot to handle, even though they are little things to some people. He does this kind of thing constantly. It's disrupting our whole household when he's over, no matter how much we do to make him comfortable. He's been doing all this for the last 5 years and his mom doesn't make him come over to his dad's on all the times his father is supposed to get him because she says he doesn't want to come over or he's 'sick'. His being 'sick' has been the main excuse for the last 8 years.

 

My husband can't make her make him come over more often, if she's using the sick excuse. We don't know what to do. We've both talked nicely to his mom about it, trying to get him more often, but she just says to let him do what he wants and he'll be happy when he's over. But we shouldn't have to bribe him or change our rules for him. We know he shouldn't be allowed to do some things that are not age appropriate, but if she won't help and he won't listen to us, what are we supposed to do? Please help."--Frustrated Stepmom

 

*

Dear Frustrated Stepmom,

 

I get that you're upset with your stepson and his mom, but I'm not sure I understand his father's role in all this. Most kids have rules, but they usually feel a connection with their parents that makes them overlook rules they don't like. This is what I'm not seeing in what you've written. Where's your husband? Is he involved with his son? Do they play together? Does his son feel loved by him, even though he doesn't like what you're having for dinner?

 

Your stepson's mother and the way she parents can't be changed. At least, not by you. But your husband's interaction with his child should probably be given some more focus. This is his son. The kid cares more about him than you. Your husband has the best position to deal with his son not wanting to visit with him.

If your husband has been involved, but his son is still rejecting for whatever reason, it might be time to let his son go for the betterment of your family. We all get to make choices and your step-son has the right to reject his father's new family. Your husband could be involved with his son--which is important for them both---by going to his son's games or school events, without everyone having to suffer with weekend visits. Kids at ten are really caught in the middle you. Neither his father nor you can stop his mom from creating this situation, if that's what she's doing .

 

**

 

LET'S BLAME THE MOM

 

Not long ago, I saw a piece in a newspaper that discussed a certain death row inmate. He'd done some awful things and he was facing the ultimate consequence. In this article, it was reported that his lawyer was attempting to get the inmate's sentence changed, saying his mother had been mean to him.

 

Mothers are human beings and sometimes humans do terrible things. Sometimes to their own offspring. This is true of both fathers and mothers, but somehow female parents bear a bigger expectation.

 

I know from my clients that a fair number of us have had mothers who are difficult in various ways. Some mothers kill their children; others abuse them or let third parties abuse them. Most of us with difficult mothers haven't had to deal with that extremity of bad parenting, but let's just say that sometimes parents--of both sexes--can be a real pain.

 

Loving parents are a tremendous gift. We come into the world naked and completely dependent. Children are vulnerable--if sometimes annoying--individuals. Kids deserve to be loved and cherished and placed at the highest priority. Heck, we all deserve this, no matter our ages, but kids are weaker and smaller. Moms and dads have great power by virtue of the fact that we are so impacted by them.

 

I don't know how many times I've been discussing a difficult parent situation with an adult and when I ask why the client tolerates this, I hear "But she's my mother." Moms are supposed to love you. That's what we expect.

 

I say let's give the dads some of this power. Studies show that girls do better in school if they have active fathers in their lives. Dads are very important and they're just as responsible for parenting as moms. Too often, the mom still pushes the stroller and still does most of the parenting. This is changing, thank goodness, and guys are getting more into the parenting picture, but we have a way to go.

 

Regardless of what kind of parenting you did or didn't have, you get to be responsible for how you live your life. This is not to say that some of us haven't had it bad. We have. But each individual has the power to make choices. Whether those lead to Death Row are not is up to you.