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When your kids, your mate or your relatives are making really bad choices, the most difficult thing to do is believe they can straighten themselves out. It is typical to want to tell them a few realities. You might have a powerful urge to straighten them out yourself.
Resist.
Messing up and making bad choices brings consequences. These naturally result from the actions of the individual. If you run out into a busy street, you’ll probably get run over. If you jump off a big cliff without a parachute, you’ll crash at the bottom. When you love someone, you don’t want that crash to happen and it’s natural to stop your loved one from making what seems to you like bad choices.
Don’t block the consequences. You may want to do the homework when the kid’s put it off and is tired. You might have the urge to tell the sleepy child to go on to bed and build the science project for him.
Don’t.
Small choices bring consequences—both good and bad, depending on the choice. When loved ones do well, you stand up and cheer. The good result—winning the game, getting the raise—these are a direct consequence of all his smart actions. Consequences work the same way when unhealthy choices are made and it’s impossible to tell the difference if someone else steps in to take away the owie. Individuals learn through consequences. They need them. This is one aspect of life that is reasonable and sane. Generally—not always, of course—good things come from good choices.
You don’t learn to recognize a good choice from a bad one, though, if others come in and rob you of the results of your actions.
Don’t block consequences, even when your loved one struggles. It sucks to struggle to attain, but human beings don’t know how to deal with struggle just by being told. They need to deal with rotten teachers and bad bosses, not because they need to hurt, but because they need to learn how to cope. They need to reassess and plow forward toward their goals. They need to realize that studying the night before a test probably won’t yield the greatest scores. They need to learn what works and what doesn't.
If you love the individual, you need to refuse to rescue them. Resist the urge to block the consequence.
Whether this means lying to his boss when your spouse is sick because he drank too much or giving your kids money when they can earn it themselves. Doing too much for a person implies that you don’t believe she can do it herself.
Have faith. Believe in them and don’t block the consequences.
It’s the greatest gift.
