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Some people need to be told what to do. At least, that’s what he says when you protest his dictating to you. Or maybe that’s what you think about him. When you’re in a relationship, you are affected by the other person’s behavior. Your partner is impacted by your choices, too, so he gets to tell you what to do, doesn’t he? Shouldn’t you have a right to say what your partner should do?
Maybe you should, but you don’t.
Generally, this issue comes up in intimate relationships or between parents and children. Every now and then, a person seems to want to manage everything about everyone. You might have had a boss like this.
Like so many of your relationship conflicts, it doesn’t usually start with wanting to do harm. You probably don't even think of it as you trying to be in charge all the time. But others don’t like being controlled (and those who do like it have other issues, all together). Your loved ones don’t like you telling them what to do. You probably don’t like being told what to do, either.
But the desire to manage your own feelings, can lead to you taking actions that others see as an attempt to control them.
The desire to control another person’s choices and behavior usually stems from two angles: 1.) you want to protect and/or guide someone you care about, 2.) Down deep, you’re trying to make sure you don’t get hurt. Both motivations for controlling someone’s behavior are motivated by a reasonable, some would say loving desire.
You don’t get to tell the people you love what to do. It may seem like you should be able to do this, but attempting to control others only leads to eventual heart break. In the beginning, your partner might see your controlling actions as charming because they indicate that you care. This won’t last. After a while, love gets worn down by attempts to control.
Relationships involve risk, as well as, big rewards. The risk of suffering loss and grief. The possibility of pain. But control—telling the other person what to do—doesn’t remove the risk.
Trying to control the other person implies a lack of trust. Sometimes, it seems like the controlling person doesn’t believe in his or her partner. Like you expect to get screwed. This subtle message has a debilitating effect on relationships. Control can also leave the impression that you think your significant other is foolish or clueless. Neither message makes your love one want to cuddle up next to you.
Control is the result of fear and anxiety. You can be loved—and can tolerate the risks in loving—without relying on putting a bit in your lover’s mouth. You can have faith, in both yourself and your mate.
Sadly, trying to manage another person to diminish the possibility of being hurt, actually has the opposite effect. You may be causing your own crisis.
