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You’ve probably tried talking and just end up in pointless fights that don’t make anything better. So, you just avoid any topic that you fight about. But this doesn’t solve anything. You need to learn how to talk—and listen—to one another.
This might sound juvenile and simplistic, but poor relationship communication is deathly. Arguing sounds unhealthy and un-fun, but all relationships have conflict. You need to learn how to talk to each other. A good therapist will want you to incorporate healthy discussion. This is what it looks like.
#1 It is hugely important to slow down and not react out of the “argument script” you’ve normally had. You know, where you both end up saying the same things to one another and nothing good comes out of it? You have to stop and really listen to the other guy(even if you’re not sure he’s listening to you). It is important that you do your part. After all, that’s what you have direct control over—your actions.
Don’t tell him he shouldn’t feel how he feels. This is death to good communication. Think how you feel when someone tells you that you’re wrong to feel how you feel. (Yes, I know he does this to you, but does it really work?) Feelings are feelings. Even if they don’t make sense to you, the other person has a right to his own response.
#2 Rather than start with a lot of “You need to change…” statements, say what you think your partner is feeling. This may seem really hard and feel goofy, but your mate isn’t sure you’re actually listening to her complaints. You want your partner to feel understood and listened to. Say what she’s told you back to her so she knows you’ve heard her. Even if you don’t agree with what she’s said and think she ought not be upset about this, she won’t feel really listened to, unless you can tell her what she’s saying to you.
If you can reflect her feelings concerning whatever you’re arguing about, she’s much more likely to care about your feelings. So, you tell her what you think she’s feeling. You might be wrong and she’ll want to correct what you thought she said, but that’s good, too. Feeling reflection looks like this: “I guess you get angry and scared when I don’t let you know I’m coming home late from work” or “I know you get really upset when I spend money without talking to you first.”
#3 Now you need to say what you’re feeling about the situation. If you’ve been able to convey that you understand his feelings, your partner is much more likely to be able to hear yours.
Don’t think yelling accusations or demands is an expression of your feelings. Your partner will feel justifiably defensive if you do this. After you’ve successfully reflected his feelings, state your own emotions. Please note—this doesn’t mean saying, “I feel that you…” That’s an accusation, not expression of your emotions. Talking about how you feel would be something like: “When I don’t get a call from you telling me you’re going to be late, I worry that something’s wrong” or “I feel angry when you call me stupid.”
Rather than telling her she shouldn’t hang out with her single friends or bitching at her for talking to her friends about your fights, you need to communicate the emotional impact of the choices the two of you are making. This is the communication pattern that is more effective than yelling, “When you do this ____, I feel ____.”
If you get to this point, the flavor of the argument should change. The two of you won’t be running around the same script in a useless fight. You’ll be talking and listening to each other. Even really tough conflicts can be resolved in relationships. Things you’d be sure would break you up.
Listen. Talk about your feelings. Remember, relationships are one of the hardest things we humans do. Give yourself a chance and learn how to deal effectively with conflict.
