EXPECTATIONS IN MARRIAGE

You and your mate probably had fun picking your wedding invitations and celebrating the day, but becoming a union is a little more challenging. Marriages die half the time and these aren't good odds. You may know people--intelligent, attractive folk--who've been married multiple times. You may be in this group yourself.

The tough times come, though, and sometimes they're a surprise. You may have had an inkling of trouble ahead, but you figured it would work out. After all, you loved one another. This seems like it should make things easier, but we're at our most vulnerable and most difficult with those we love.

Take the time now to think about what you expected marriage to mean. This is different for different people and we don't usually discuss these differences. Even if you and your mate seem very similar in backgrounds, political party and life preferences, ironing out your differences is challenging. You need to think--as honestly as possible--what you want out of marriage or couplehood. It's difficult for many to be this introspective, but knowing this about yourself makes it easier to deal with the bumps in the relationship.

Handling Money

This is the biggest issue in most marriages. Think about whether you fall into the spend or saver categories. This is a range and probably isn't either/or, but your attitude about money is huge when it comes to sharing income with someone else. Some couples try to go around this issue by never putting their money together. They keep separate check books and credit cards, sharing expenses. But what if one of you makes a lot more than the other? Does the one with more income pay a larger percentage of the bills? Do you live where the poorer one can afford a home or do you buy where the one with more money wants?

How do you pay for vacations and eating out? Everything from money spent on household items to money spent at leisure comes right down to your attitude about finances.

Sex

Some people want it every day and others are good with twice every month. Is fidelity important to you? It isn't to some, but most require this in their intimate relationships. (Think carefully before you make broad statements about what you'd do if your partner cheats. This is hard to know until you're facing it.) Some marriages exist without sex, either at the beginning or--more likely--as they progress. Be aware that unless you've both agreed to a celibate marriage, no sex is an indication of problems between you.

Lifestyles
 
If you're a party animal and your mate just wants a quiet life with the two of you, you'll have major issues. You need to know what you want. Not that your mate has to have your same attitude toward social time--I cannot stress this enough--but it's important for you to know what you need. Your partner may crave much more contact with friends. You guys can always balance this out, but again, knowing your own preferences is important.

You need to ask yourself what you want in your marriage and then you need to think hard about what your partner whats. Listen to him or her about this. We too often assume that others share the same desires. No, not true. Your partner is an individual, as are you. Different people have different needs and desires. Don't automatically characterize your way of thinking as the only right way to think. Many, many of us do this and it causes big relationship problems. You have your perspective on various issues and your partner has his or hers.

Respect your mate's feelings. After all, you want your feelings and opinions to be respected, don't you? Give your mate the same respect.

Knowing yourself--and working to know your spouse--will help you deal with relationship conflicts. You have a better chance at loving yourself and your partner if you'll seriously examine what you both want out of your partnership.