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Monday, March 31, 2008

Hitting the Relationship "Reset" Button

You meet this really incredible person, you go out, you make-out…and we're off to the races. With today's pacing, relationships go from zero to living together in a matter of weeks. Physical intimacy on the first night of meeting an attractive member of the opposite sex is common.

Relationship intimacy, however, in it's very definition requires close association and familiarity. To actually know another person--a very personal, private journey--involves sharing experiences. We humans aren't, by nature, able to open up our deepest soul secrets to individuals we barely know.

And knowing another person is a complicated matter.

Okay, so what do you do if this "crotch rocket relationship" has already leapt ahead of itself? Do you let it run its course--usually a pretty ugly sight--or try to rewind, back up and start over? What if you're really into the other person…or you think you're really into the person you think he is? You don't want to pull the plug totally!

It is possible to hit the "Reset" button in a relationship, but only if both parties are willing. If one half of the relationship views this corrective phase as a nice way of the other person dumping them, or getting permission to play the field again, backing off and taking a more clear run at emotional intimacy won't be very successful. The problem is that most people want the good stuff that comes with intimacy and they want it fast.

Screw the journey.

The process of becoming genuinely intimate is scary and challenging. The truth is…most of us want the goodies that come with intimacy without having to do the work. I mean, who wouldn't? It's like wanting to eat lots of chocolate and lose ten pounds at the same time. Doesn't usually work that way(no matter how much you go to the gym).

Intimacy involves getting naked emotionally. Letting it all hang out, being your true self(even when you're positive your self has a few issues) and learning to understand the other party's issues. After all, part of the reason people want immediate intimacy is they've had some trouble with the longer version. Somewhere, sometime they didn't feel loved or appreciated or understood. But this time it'll be different. They've picked the "right" one, this time. It's like romance is a treasure hunt and somewhere out there is a heavy gold chest with your name on it. You just have to date a lot of "frogs" before you get it right. (With this belief system, you really ought to make sure you don't sleep with all those frogs!)

Relationship intimacy, the kind required for long term success with a lover, requires you to actually get to know your lover. And let your lover get to know you, warts and all. Then, you have to learn to adjust, alter and accommodate for one another. This is love. Real, true love. The kind that lasts fifty years.

Hitting the "reset" button may mean abstaining from sexual intimacy until you know one other better. It may mean not calling one another ten times a day. It may actually involved starting over…and none of the above means the worst. Resetting a relationship requires you to give it serious energy in the slowing down and starting over. It may also mean you find out that you don't like each other so much after all.

It may mean the end of a relationship that never should have gone this far anyway. But, look at it this way, if the relationship ends because you've hit the "reset" button, it was probably going to end regardless and maybe you've wasted much less time on a dead-end situation.