MOM ISSUES

Having issues with a parent is so common it's become comedien-fodder. Think about all the "Mom" jokes you've heard. There are few things more that effect you more than how you get along with your parents.

They were massively involved in your developing self-worth and their lives impacted you at a very sensitive time...they probably still do. Your mom and dad--if they were present in your life--were the first people you looked to impress, the first ones you counted on to rescue you when you were in trouble.

Most people want their parents to be proud of them--as kids and adults.

But this isn't a simple relationship(actually, I'm not sure there are any). Parents are people who have issues like we all do, and your parents were certainly less than perfect. Even if they are really great people, there were moments when they let you down. Sometimes way down. Even though most individuals want to believe at times that family is everything, some families aren't happy or healthy.

C.H. writes "...My son is in a treatment center for his behavior and was making progress until he had a day pass with his grandma, sister and I. Since then, his counselor has stated that he's regressed. It's due to the constant bickering chaos that occurs when my mother and I are around each other. I would like to know how to deal with her, so it won't affect my son...I have a lot of resentment towards my mother and I really can't stand to be close to her...."

C.H. has a tremendously complicated situation with her concern for her son and her frustration with her mother muddying the waters. The easiest answer to this problem to greatly limit the time grandma spends with the son and with C.H., but that doesn't address C.H.'s own issues.

There is no law that says you have to maintain a relationship that's toxic, either with your parents or with your own adult children. You can end all contact. There are individuals who believe that the blood tie of kinship trumps all behavior, but I'm not one of them. In this world, we learn by consequences. No relationship should be above this; not even family ties. If a family member does you harm, end the relationship.

That's the easy conclusion, but the hard part is in sorting out the definition of "doing harm." Most people would agree that abuse--either physical or sexual--comes under this heading. Also included would be abandonment and parental neglect--not providing food, shelter, clothing to children. (You don't need these provided when you're an adult, but when you're a kid, they are your right.)

It is in your best interest, though, to look at your part in family conflicts. Your personal unaddressed and unresolved issues. You're not a helpless victim here. You interact, react and stimulate a certain amount of what goes on. Your feelings toward your parent and your anger may be understandable--lots of individuals have resentments against their parents and reasons for these.

If you're stuff starts to spill over and damage those around you, you need to get help for yourself. Cutting off contact with your parent won't end the personal behaviors you may be struggling with that contribute to the mess. Ask yourself if you're adding fuel to the family fights. Look at yourself. Go to counseling--not to straighten out the other person, but to learn how to deal with the challenges yourself.

I'm in no way saying that you're to blame for the family conflicts. Problems take at least two people, but you can learn to end it for you...and for those you love.