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Sometimes you argue with your mate about important, life-changing things, but sometimes it seems like you fight about nothing! Lots of couples can’t say exactly what they fight about. They get into big arguments and bicker, but when asked what they argue about, they can’t say. Many will claim they mostly argue about stupid things.
Arguments that end in harsh words and hurt feelings don’t have to be about important things. Sometimes you’re just trying to get a point across, you make a comment or you’d simply like to talk about something that’s bothering you. It may not start off as a fight, but things just blow up.
Don’t feel bad about arguments that start out silly. The fight is important because your mate’s important to you, if not you probably wouldn’t even bother to fight. Communication is a big part of any relationship, though. You need to learn to talk to each other. If you’re having small things turn into big fights, maybe the problem isn’t with the topic, but with the way to talk and listen to one another. It may be a process thing, even more than a situational thing.
If you think your mate dismisses you or doesn’t listen to your concerns, you’re less likely to listen to whatever he has to say. Whenever you guys are fighting, you need to think about how you feel in that moment. Other than angry, do you feel hurt? Disregarded? Does it seem like your mate thinks you’re stupid or don’t know what you’re talking about?
If so, it’s only natural that you’d bark back at him.
You may think he’s crazy when he says he doesn’t want you to go out with your friends or when he says he thinks that guy at work as a crush on you. Whether you agree with him isn’t the most important thing, though. Listen to his concerns—listen to his feelings. Emotion is the most important part of any argument. It can be the hardest part to get to. It’s not important what he thinks you feel, but what he feels.
You need to work on conveying to him your emotion, too. When he tells his sister about your bad dating decisions and the diseases you caught (or whatever else he tells his family members that you’d rather he not tell them), how you feel about this is most important.
Don’t talk to your mate about her being a bitch to you or acting like a princess. Talk about how you feel when she snaps at you or ignores your feelings.
You don’t get to expect him to always do what you want. Don’t think you're ignored just because he doesn’t do what you want him to do. He still gets to make his own choices, but you have a responsibility to talk about how you feel when he spends a half hour on the phone with his female co-worker at night. You need to talk about your emotions.
These emotions are at the bottom of “stupid” arguments that can sink a relationship. Talk about your feelings. Listen to her feelings. And don’t forget to confirm out loud the importance of the relationship to you.
Productive conversations start with putting your feelings on the table. It may seem silly, but it’s important.
