MARRIAGE OVER?

Many an individual comes to my office saying their relationship just isn't how we used to be. They're trying to sort out what to do with the marriage--whether to leave or to stay and keep plugging away. These folks report eroded emotions. That which used to be loving and connected, just isn't anymore.

When you get to the point of using the words "always" and "never" in your fights/arguments/discussions, matters have progressed. Your conflicts have gotten to a pointless level where no one wins and if someone feels like he's winning, he's still losing on a relationship-level.

So why stay?

If you can't work things out and you're unhappy in the relationship, you just need to move on...right? Only moving on without another lover in the wings means being alone and alone is really scary for a bunch of us. Maybe staying together in an unhappy, unresolved and seemingly unresolvable marriage is better than facing being alone. It can certainly seem that way.

This the rocky soil that grows infidelity. Don't let popular sentiment sway you, no happy relationship is broken by infidelity. These relationships were in trouble already. When someone cheats, it's always because there were unresolved issues in the first place. This doesn't let anyone off the hook, though. Cheating is the easy, but dysfunctional way out of a relationship.

Cheating stems from disconnected emotions and unresolved relationships issues, but don't assume that this means there's no connection in the relationship. Often partners have shared history or shared children. Disentangling these ties can be very difficult and the perceived support of another significant other can give people the boost to move forward.

You stay in the unhappy place until you find someone else to cuddle you, someone to tell you how terrific you are, someone to promise that he'll never be like the one you're currently married to. He's different. You'll never have the same problems with him, never reach the same dead ends.

Sadly, in a few years you may find yourself in the same spot with a different face, different name.

If your marriage is in trouble and can't be resuscitated--it's surprising how many can be--then don't wait to get involved with someone else before you have the courage to leave. Do the strong thing. Believe in yourself and just leave. Don't do this before you work on yourself, though. Every relationship involves two people. It's not all your fault, but there's something of you in the mess. You're contributing to the issues...sometimes just by allowing the conflicts to go unchallenged.

Work on yourself. On your stuff. Look at what you can change and then change it. If the marriage is still unhealthy and unhappy, leave. Don't stay because you've grown comfortable with the discomfort. Don't think an unhappy marriage is a good place for your kids to grow up.

Above all things, don't wait till you fall in love with someone new before you get out. That's just buying more trouble.