Seeking Comfort

Life can be rough. Work situations can leave you feeling wrung out. Traffic is hell. Your relationship might have land mines you don't know how to avoid. At the end of the day, you can feel frazzled and stressed.

You've been battered and your soul needs some comfort. Maybe you've had a fight with your teenager or your boss yelled at you for no reason or you've gained the ten pounds that makes your swimsuit really revealing. Or all three happen on the same black day. When the world turns mean, we just want to feel better. To be soothed and consoled. Even the toughest of us can find ourselves whimpering and wanting to crawl under the covers.

Or into a tub of Hagaan Daz. Possibly a bottle of Jack Daniels. We crave comfort and sometimes oblivion seems like the closest thing.

Most of our bad habits are attempts to feel better when we don't feel all that great. Eating too much of the wrong foods(comfort foods are almost always the wrong foods). Drinking too much. Some take prescription drugs or drugs that aren't prescription, at all. We just want to feel better. We want comfort.

Magazines and e-zines publish articles that address this offering meditation, yoga and prioritizing to cope--all good things. But for some individuals, these methods don't seem helpful. The trouble is, we often don't know what is comforting to us individually.

For some people, physical touch is very soothing. Getting regular massages can be very helpful if you're dealing with tough situations. Others almost crave movement. For them, physical activities like running or dancing can be very releasing. The real trick is figuring out your needs. When you're very stressed--by your job or something in your home life--it's difficult to think beyond the destructive comforts.

Many individuals grew up with their mothers offering ice cream when they had sore throats, but we are a nation of obese, sedentary individuals. Too much weight, too little action. Too tired to do anything to make it better. Then comes the guilt, the low self-esteem and heart attack risks.

We need comfort. Need to find solace in some way, but we need to figure out what works for us and what doesn't. Do a little personal sleuthing. Think back to when you were a kid. Did you go and side and play all day? Did you dive into a stack of books from the library? Maybe you and a friend went wandering through the woods. When you were younger, you probably had more methods of comforting yourself.

This is not to say that all the methods we used as kids were healthy, but before you give up on finding any source of renewal, think about what used to work for you.

But I Still Feel Depressed

It seems like everyone and their dog are on anti-depressants these days. Who doesn't have times when they just can't get excited about anything? When life seems flat and depressing. It can be difficult to get out of bed some days. Sadly, after a while the happy pills can leave you feeling less than jazzed.

What do you do when you're taking anti-depressants and you still feel depressed?

The biochemistry of the brain remains largely a mystery to us even though great strides have been made in the last twenty years. But what once seemed like a simple solution--why not take a medication that removes angst?--is turning out to be less effective than originally thought.

Medication to assist in coping with emotional life challenges can be helpful in some situations, but perhaps not in quite the way first thought. Recent research indicates meds are only part of the picture. There are some individuals who swear their lives have been totally turned around by psychotropic medication and believe they couldn't live without it. For most people, though, find this medication has a positive affect for only a period of time. After a while, they lose the emotional boost and must raise the dosage or change the medication to regain it. In addition, anti-depressants can have alarming side effects in some, with an actual increase in the incidence of suicide for a small percentage of teenagers and young adults.

Newer studies indicate that the better treatment for depression lies in a combination of talk therapy and medication.

Yep, talk therapy. Actually sitting down and talking with a real live person who's focus is helping you solve your problems. This doesn't necessarily mean that you need to find a therapist with a couch you can spend the rest of your life on. Talk therapy has evolved into a more collaborative effort…you and a therapist sorting through which behaviors work best for you. If you're struggling with depression or anxiety or relationship problems, you need an assistant who can help you sort your life out.

A good therapist will listen to you harder than your friends can. He or she has no axe to grind and will resist telling your how to handle your down days. You might actually want someone to tell you how to fix your depression, but it's more important to understand it and help you fix the problem. You need to be empowered to direct your own life.

Medication has its place. Some individuals need help just to get out of bed. When things are this bad, take the pill. But don't forget that you can sort your life through. The chemistry in your brain responds to different thoughts and different choices.

Even when you don't feel capable, you still have the power to change.

Love Is...

So much crap has been written about love it seems redundant to say anything here, but the confusion about this topic leaves many of us in a lather. So, what if he says he loves you and you don't feel loved, at all? Lots of times as parents, we say we're disciplining our kids because we love them. The kids just roll their eyes and think we're latching on to a reason to make their lives difficult. Relationships aren't easy.

What is love? Not being able to live without a certain person? Having the urge to break into silly songs when you think about that individual? Or having the urge to drop your pants and get dirty? Maybe, you'd throw yourself in front of an on-coming bus for your loved one.

This is a subject that confuses many and isn't easily sorted out. Even crazy people will sometimes say they love their kids--right before they kill them and take their own lives.

So what is love? A feeling that invades you?

From just the perspective of love for another person, the word indicates more than just a "profoundly tender, passionate affection." If we're talking about this from more than an emotional context, love has to be viewed from the perspective of action. Does the individual proclaiming the emotion of love, actually behave like they love? Are their actions contrary to the loved one needs?

Love is placing the loved one's best interest at a high premium; that is, doing what is best for the one you love. This is way harder than it sounds at first. Particularly, if what's best for the loved one, isn't what you want her to do. Love can be complicated. We're not talking about self-sacrifice. Generally, what's good for the one you love, is good for you, too. Not that it won't sometimes be difficult, because love is, if nothing else, demanding. To truly love another person, you need to look at your own issues, your own struggles.

Love is, at it's very best, disinterested. Not that you're not interested in your loved one or what effects him, but when you really love another person, your interests are not paramount. You want what is best for your loved one.

You don't buy things for your kid just so he's not mad at you. Parents who allow their behavior to be motivated by their kids always liking them are prone to do really foolish things for their kids, things that aren't necessarily good for the kids. Children--actually, all of us--sometimes want things that aren't best for them. When you love someone, you allow them to get mad at you.

We can't really be selfless--we can try, but it's hard to take yourself completely out of the equation. Still, when you really love another person, it's that person's needs that count. Disinterested. Not about you.

That's why love is sometimes hard.

Are You A Victim of Trauma?

Sadly, many people have witnessed horror on a major scale. You may have enlisted in a branch of the service looking to make a difference, to serve your country and maybe to find a career. Trauma, however, isn't limited to soldiers who witness unspeakable atrocities or suffer horrifific injuries. Those who watched friends die next to them in battle are traumatized, as well.

If you enlisted, you made a difference in this world and, hopefully, you found a career, but at what cost? Some soldiers come back home and put the fury and chaos behind them when they take off the uniform. Some aren't able to. A significant percentage of those who experience combat suffer from post-traumatic stress symptoms. For many, the emotional and physical symptoms dissipate awhile after returning home. They get back into their lives, go on with their relationships and move forward with their lives. For others, gripping, gut-wrenching symptoms hang on for years.

But trauma isn't limited to war zones. There are victims of industrial accidents, natural disasters--such as hurricanes and floods--who find themselves living daily with emotions they struggle to shake. We see trauma after trauma on the news every night. Dozens of them. Crimes and accidents and violence done by ones who were supposed to be safe. In each and every one of these, someone's life is changed forever. The effects can linger.

In what seems like a more mundane occurrence, our highways are the scene of traffic accidents that can also have profound physical, mental and emotional effects. One large study found as many as nine percent of individuals who survive significant motor vehicle accidents experience Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder.

A research and treatment organization, Child Trauma Academy, is studying the neurological effects of trauma in high-risk children. Victims who are exposed to traumatizing environments or situations at an early age will show changes in brain development. The good news is that these can be successfully addressed in many kids.

You may have experienced or witnessed an event in your life that you've never recognized or labeled as traumatic. Combat, natural disasters, motor vehicle accidents, physical and/or sexual abuse. If you've been exposed to these as a child or an adult, it is possibly still affecting you in ways you don't realize. Traumatic events can lead to emotional health difficulties and poor interpersonal relations.

If you or someone you love has experienced or witnessed a traumatic event, getting assistance makes sense. Don't struggle alone.

Keeping Your Mate Happy

It’s pure self-interest. If your mate is happy, you’ve got a better chance of being happy yourself. Relationships are complicated, but this much is just obvious.

There are two of you in this relationship and, of course, you want to be happy. That’s a given. You find a job that’s as fulfilling, satisfying and rewarding as possible. You engage in hobbies or play softball or play with a band or make quilts. You do the things you like to do. You hang out with friends and goof off on the weekends.

You'd like your significant other to be happy too, but things get murkier when we talk about placing his or her needs at a high priority. If you love him, you naturally care about his needs, but the question is whether or not you act like you value his needs. This can be tricky, particularly if you think he should have different needs, ones that fit more closely to yours or ones that make more sense to you. Needs that, at least, don’t conflict with yours, right?

In a less complicated world, yeah, but that’s not usually how it works. Relationships involve two separate people. Two individuals. That means you’ve got different needs, different tastes. Different ideas about how to have fun. This is true even if you’ve found a mate who shares many of your likes and dislikes. Some things are going to be not alike.

This isn’t a problem until something she wants isn’t what you want. Then we have conflict in the relationship and this is unavoidable. Talking about the differences openly can pave the way to healthy conflict resolution, but somewhere in here you have to want your mate to get what she needs. If she needs to go to medical school to get where she wants to go, this will involve sacrifice for you. If she wants to climb the corporate ladder, then you’ll be the corporate mate.

You may think, “This relationship ought to be easier.” Maybe, but if it was there’d be fewer break-ups and a much lower divorce rate. Staying together happily isn’t simple.

You can’t be in a relationship without being effected by one another’s needs and pursuits . From the most basic decision of what to have for dinner to what car to buy to more complicated choices about money, you sometimes see things differently. You want different things. If you’re in a relationship, you’re going to feel the impact of your mate’s decisions. This can be massively frustrating and is the reason why some people stay single. There are many folks who try to find a way around this by being in a relationship without living together. Some even prefer to live states apart, and this does keep conflicts to a minimum. If you’re not together, you have less chance of being impacted by one another’s decisions.

Of course, living thousands of miles apart tends to limit other aspects of relationships, too.

If you commit to a mate, you’re committing to her pursuit of the goals that are important to her. This goes for the goals you’re pursuing, too. Commitment means a shared life. If you find yourself—or he accuses you of—hindering your partner’s getting what he wants, you need to seriously examine your part in the relationship.

Some people choose to separate. If your partner wants something you don’t, like 18 kids or a job that takes her on the road six nights out of seven, you have to ask yourself if this is the relationship for you. But you also need to ask yourself the harder question about the more common conflicts—are you thinking about what’s best for your mate? Are you placing her needs at a high premium. When it comes to the place you live or the car you drive—basic life choices—you might need to ask yourself the hard questions.

I hate the terms “sacrifices” and “compromise.” They too often involve resentment. If you’ve come to a resolution in a relationship, you want what benefits your partner and he wants what benefits you. The process of sorting this through—without resentment—is not short or simple. It can be very rewarding, though.

Know what you need. This isn’t as simple as it sounds. Know what you want from your life and be able to talk about these things with your mate. Find out what he needs. Believe it or not, in most relationships, these aren’t mutually exclusive, but getting to this point takes work. Don’t be afraid of it. If you put effort into this, you can craft a truly rewarding partnership.

Dating Down

Don’t pretend you’ve never heard of it. You might have done it yourself--gone out with a guy who has less money and less of a job than you have. Maybe the girl you’re seeing doesn’t have ambitions in life beyond what club she’s going to this evening and you’ve got the next ten years of your life mapped out. You’ve got goals. When you’re dating someone who hasn’t gone to college and you have a master’s degree or someone who lives paycheck to paycheck when you’re bankin’ it—then you’re dating down.

Sometimes this is a power issue. No judgment here, but some folks like feeling in control in relationships. You want the upper hand and earning more money than your partner or having more education can give you a sense of power. A you-need-me-more-than-I-need-you thing. This may sound crappy, but who hasn’t felt vulnerable in a relationship? The sense of possible loss and heartbreak is the risk that comes with love and it sucks.

So, guys with education or jobs that make a good income can be drawn to date girls who never graduated high school. Maybe these girls are younger or have hot bodies, but haven’t worked as hard to develop their work attainments. This is an almost classic trophy-wife scenario in which physical attributes become a commodity. The better a woman looks, the wealthier man she can attract. This goes for men, as well. As women rise in educational and financial skills, they get to choose mates for reasons other than provider potential. They get to date down, too. A successful and/or educated woman can get with a stud even if she’s not the most beautiful woman in the room.

Purchasing power, baby.

While there’s no inherent reason why people of different educational levels or different financial situations can’t work out a good relationship, dating down has some specific challenges attached. If there’s a gulf between your conditions in life, you may feel funny about introducing your current flame to potential clients or to your parents. How does your choice of lover reflect on you? It could make you look powerful and power typically equates to sexy. But when the power in a relationship isn’t shared 50/50, bad things can happen. The more-powerful partner can try to run the show and not listen to the less-powerful partner’s issues. Resentment is a real danger and this poison relationships.

But let’s not be harsh about this. We can’t all date doctors and lawyers. Maybe you’re not even interested in doing this. Sometimes you just want to go out with a guy who’s cute and fun and knows how to have a good time. Who cares what he makes or what your friends will think of him? This might mean dating down or not (doctors can be cute and know how to have fun).

Dating down is a phenomena, though, that some people use to deal with possible relationship issues. This might be a resolution of sorts to your conflict when you’re not sure you can win the hottie you really want, so you settle for someone who’s just okay. It’s one way to deal with a lack of self-confidence. Rejection isn’t fun. By dating down, you can hedge your bets. You take what comes to you, even if it’s not really what you want.

Maybe you’re just out of a bad relationship break-up or your life is in professional crisis. If you think you’re messed up, you might not want to get with someone you really like. You’re too messed up, right now! Later, when you get your crap together, you’ll maybe think about asking out the person you’re really interested in.

Dating down is part of the I-don’t-want-to-be-alone thing. You find a “sub-standard” mate while you recover from a break-up or while you and your ex work out custody of the kids or while you cope with an addiction. The problem here is that how you handle power differentials in any relationship are a reflection of what’s going on with you. Heck, maybe you need to accept being alone for awhile. Maybe you need the silence to be able to hear what's in your head.

Down dating has the possibility of conceiving unintended pregnancies, which makes everything much more complicated.

Maybe who you’re dating is a reflection of your lack of belief in yourself. Or of your desire to make yourself feel better about you, but this sort of situation only brings bigger complications. Dating down doesn’t solve problems. It has it’s own set of issues.

Think about why you’re with who you’re with. It pays to be self-aware.

No Such Thing as "Happily Ever After"

This is a hard fantasy to give up. We want to believe if we just find the right person, then our relationships will be easy and we’ll magically be happy. Don’t delude yourself. Relationships are a lot like working out. It’s not supposed to be easy.

The point is getting healthy and learning to deal with your own stuff. Learning to give up behaviors that don’t bring you good things is part of growing up, part of getting healthy. Doesn’t your relationship partner need to help you make good choices?

You may be one of those folks who buy the infomercial promises of losing weight without exercising or limiting your food intake. It’s easy! So not true. This is similar to thinking and telling yourself that your relationship should also be easy…that it shouldn’t require changes on your part.

Don’t believe it.

This relationship thing is hugely complicated and some patterns of conflict can be unhealthy. Sometimes your partner will ask for unreasonable things from you. You might be asked to participate in a lifestyle that makes you uncomfortable or activities that torpedo your self-esteem. So what then? If you’re supposed to tough out relationship issues and try to be open to growing and changing yourself, doesn’t that mean pretty much doing what your partner wants?

No, that’s not what I’m saying. We’re not just talking about going along.

Values—your beliefs about right and wrong, your spiritual beliefs, even your money behaviors—are probably best shared. Generally, couples who have similar values have a better chance of success in their relationships. But sometimes your values aren’t good for you and reflect personal issues you’ve not successfully addressed. This is where you want a partner to challenge you. You want your partner to help you deal with issues that are getting in your way.

There are some couples whose highest priority seems to be financial success and the conspicuous consumption that can accompany it. This can include everything from workaholism to projecting your need for appearing successful on your children. Is little Mikayla’s SAT score or what colleges she gets into really about you? Yes, you as her parent have a lot of impact, but do her achievements seem more about you than her?

Values sometimes need to be reevaluated. Relationship conflict can lead you right up to the issues you need to confront. Sadly, some couples choose mates because there appears to be little or no conflict. The healthiest couples with the best shot at long-term happiness have similar values, but not necessarily similar personalities. When people don’t want to deal with conflict, they can choose mates with a similar life perspective. After all, the thinking goes, if we think alike, we won’t argue. We won’t fight or have conflict.

So not true. The tendency to conflict is part of human nature. We just need to deal with it in a healthy, constructive way. Relationships are like playing on a see-saw; both people sitting on the same side is both boring and unproductive.

Conflict doesn’t have to be expressed in yelling, screaming fits or in physical violence. We engage in these behaviors when we don’t know how to resolve our differences. When we don’t know how to listen without believing we’re being personally attacked. Taking other points-of-view into account can open up your world and help you consider new ways of looking at yourself and others. The other guy can be right about some things without it meaning that you’re wrong. You both may have pieces of the puzzle.

But that involves everyone being able to talk about the way they see things. This is the only way we grow. If we're exchanging different perspectives, we sometimes going to disagree and we need to work this through.

“Happily Ever After” should be re-written to include healthy, constructive conflict.

Leaving is Hard

Falling in love is fun, even when it’s scary. The end of love, though, sucks. So, what do you do when you think you may need to leave?

If this person didn’t have some good qualities, you wouldn’t have gotten involved in the first place. Only now, the happy times are few and far between. You don’t feel loved—at all or not frequently enough. Even if the person you’re with loves you—or says he does—you’re not having much fun. The relationship isn’t working for you. Shouldn’t you leave?

Leaving is never easy. Even people who find someone new as quickly as they can, so there’s never a gap between lovers, still struggle with the leaving. One break-up after another can leave you wondering if there’s something wrong with you. It’s easy to say you’re picking the wrong people, but inside you find yourself wondering if you’re the problem. Why are you attracted to all these wrong people? Why do you have multiple broken relationships in your past?

You might also worry about the one you’re leaving. It may seem like she won’t be able to make it unless you’re there helping her. Even with a really dysfunctional relationship, you might feel that leaving your struggling, self-destructive, messed-up lover will mean she self-destructs even more. Shouldn’t you stay to help keep her stabilized? Even if you’re miserable?

If you’re married, there’s even the “for better or worse” clause. You’re supposed to stay through the rough times even when it seems like all you have are rough times.

Then, there’s always the question of whether this relationship can be salvaged. Of whether you’re bailing out too quickly. Relationships don’t come with an instruction manual that indicates when they’re too bad to revive. There’s no kill switch that gets thrown and it’s clearly all over. Wouldn’t that be simple? Knowing when it’s too late is an incredibly personal, typically frustrating thing and you may find yourself flip-flopping several times on whether to stay or go.

Leaving is hard. It doesn’t feel good, even when we feel relieved. We want relationships that always work and are always clearly valuable. Relationships sometimes don’t work.

The thing about any interaction of two separate people is that it takes both of you. If one is choosing to leave the relationship, then it’s over. Just like that. Maybe it shouldn’t be, but it is. Guilting a partner into staying in a relationship never works. They may stay for awhile, but guilt is a poor foundation for any relationship.

Staying for the children is also a tricky thing. For some couples, the basic relationship is so flawed, the kids would be happier if you separate. You may not argue openly, but your kids will know if you’re mad at dad. Even little kids know. If your relationship is unhappy most of the time or if you’re unhappy most of the time, staying doesn’t help your kids.

Fix the relationship or end it. This may seem harsh, but it is a reality of couple-dom. Relationship repair can be complicated and painful. That doesn’t mean it’s impossible. And just because some relationships can be repaired, doesn’t mean you should stay in yours.

Leaving is hard. Sometimes you need to leave.

Relationship Blame

It’s all her fault…No, it’s all his fault. Okay, the problems are mostly her fault.

Actually, you're both responsible for what goes on in your relationship. This can be hard to swallow if one of you does something really bad, like cheating or running up big joint financial debt in secret. The wounded party is typically indignant about sharing any responsibility, but it’s true. The blame for what happens in a relationship has to be equally shared.

The actual cheating or financial shenanigans—that choice was the act of one person and has to be the responsibility of one person. But the nature of this relationship…that’s both of you. In every case, whether it’s adultery or bankruptcy or lying, you have the power to impact the relationship—what you do in it, whether you stay or not. What you do matters to the interaction. You have some responsibility.

In reality, fault (responsibility) and power go hand in hand. You can’t have one without the other and everyone has power in the relationship. This doesn’t mean that you feel powerful—you may not be getting what you want—but you do have power, regardless.

Knowing how to use this power, that’s where it gets trickier.

People want to argue with me all the time about this. The real truth is that you have both power and responsibility. You have choices in this relationship, maybe just not the choices you want. You may want your partner to be a certain way—talk about his feelings more, be on time if he’s usually late, get a better paying job—whatever. You’ve probably tried telling your partner what you want and your partner may have not seen things the way you see them or not wanted to do the things you asked. Heck, he may not have seen the point.

You feel powerless to get what you want, which is to have your partner hear what you’re saying, understand and change, of course. What most people don’t understand is that this involves you changing how you act in the relationship. Not just words, but behavior. You have to do your part. Maybe what you've contributed to the relationship is just that you've stayed to tolerate bad behavior from your partner. That's still you contributing to how things are between you. And you don't get to say that your partner caused your behavior. It never works to do annoying, destructive things in the relationship because she does the same thing. That’s a dead-end street and a quick path to a break-up.

You contribute half of what goes on in the relationship. So, part of this is your responsibility.

Of course, the ultimate power you have in a relationship is the power to leave. Knowing when to do this can be the hard part, but never forget that you have this power.

No Second Chances

There’s trouble in Relationship-land and you’d like to hope it’ll just go away. After all, you guys have fought before and things always get better. You tell yourself, you just have to let it rest. Not talk everything to death. Not keep harping at each other.

It’ll blow over, you say.

Sadly, you may be right. It may be over. In relationship land, you might not get your “second chance”. Sometimes, one partner complains and the other one tunes him or her out. After a while, the vocal one gets tired of trying to get his partner to hear his issues. He may stop talking about what bothers him. The ignoring partner may even think there is no problem.

He’d be wrong.

It’s dangerous to ignore the one you love, even when it seems she’s just bitching. This is the way to make small issues blossom into big, ugly relationship-breaking problems. Trouble grows in the dark. What you don't look at can hurt you. The kicker is that you won’t even know what hit you. You’ll be tootling along, thinking things are good, and out-of-nowhere, she’ll tell you she’s leaving.

Or you might get to the place that you know things are strained some, but it’s not that bad, you tell yourself. After all, it's still good most of the time. For you. Then, there are some individuals who talk to their partners about problems, but they don’t really tell them how much it’s bothering them. Maybe there was one or two, brief conversations about the conflict. Then, having your partner tell you that he thinks you need a break from the relationship and he’s moving out for awhile, can be startling.

Relationship trouble can seem to go from zero to eighty in a very short time. But it was brewing under the surface for awhile. This is another one of those tend your own garden situations. If you want your relationship to prosper and grow strong, you need to actually hear what’s going on with your partner. You also need a clue about your own feelings. If you’re upset or don’t feel listened to and valued, you won’t keep loving your partner. It’s human nature. Someone else is likely to come along and stir your emotions. Suddenly, the grass on the other side of the fence looks a lot greener.

So, you need to talk about things that are bothering you. Really talk. And you need to listen when he talks. This is the only way to build a solid relationship.

Some couples work hard to avoid dealing with conflicts they don’t know how to resolve. Some party hard, build large friend networks or work all the time. Others invest more in their parenting—T ball, soccer, Girl Scouts, gymnastics—than in the relationship that forms the foundation for the family.

Don’t wait until it’s too late. It really could be over and it could happen much faster than you want to believe. While you may find it comforting to tell yourself that this relationship will last forever, you need to know that there’s a real possibility of it not. You and your partner need to function each day to show each other that you are both of the highest priority to one another.

Don’t take this for granted. It could be over before you know it.

Over-Sharing

Saying more than you should say—there’s even an acronym for it. T.M.I. or Too Much Information. Sometimes, you find yourself saying stuff better left unspoken. Do you over-share?

Certain confidences fall in this category. Talking about sexual adventures—particularly with details or even photos—is inappropriate in most situations. There are some things other people just don’t want to know. Like the gory details of your appendectomy operation or a blow-by-blow of your latest failed relationship, some information is best left unshared. Do we really need to know how much you spent on your last car or what you paid(or didn’t pay) the I.R.S. last year?

If you’ve found yourself telling individuals who’re not really all that close to you, how you scammed the guy who bought your broken-down SUV or how you got your girlfriend to let you video your sex, you’re over-sharing. Even you blurting out who you have the hots for can be embarrassing to the listener. The ins and outs of your complicated relationship with your mother (or your boss) may be far from appropriate for conversation with casual friends. And the woman you’ve just started dating doesn’t care, either. You might be saying things others don’t want to hear.

So, what’s up with that?

If you’re likely to be called before a Grand Jury, complete truthfulness is probably called for. In that situation, details would be appropriate, but talking to the stranger in the seat next to you on a business trip to Phoenix is probably not such a good idea.

We’re not always clear on what needs to be shared and what doesn’t. That can lead to unfortunate confidences. This is sometimes a factor in a situation when you’re not all that mentally clear, like when you’ve drank too much or you’re on pain medication for falling off a ladder. But sometimes, we can share too much personal stuff when we’re trying to deepen a friendship or push a relationship into new levels of intimacy. When you want to feel close to someone, you might tell them more than they want to hear. Or tell them things you later regret.

Some secrets seem to burn inside you, bursting out. Just telling someone seems to bring relief. This can be very true. There are secrets that need to be told. But when you find yourself unburdening to random co-workers, acquaintances or near-strangers, you need to find a better listener. There are people who’re trained to respect your confidences and help you sort through your own feelings about your secret. Or your conflicts.

Give your friends and acquaintances a break. You deserve to have someone who wants to hear what you have to say. Over-sharing makes simple social interaction awkward and won’t yield you the results you’re looking for.

How To Argue

You’ve probably tried talking and just end up in pointless fights that don’t make anything better. So, you just avoid any topic that you fight about. But this doesn’t solve anything. You need to learn how to talk—and listen—to one another.

This might sound juvenile and simplistic, but poor relationship communication is deathly. Arguing sounds unhealthy and un-fun, but all relationships have conflict. You need to learn how to talk to each other. A good therapist will want you to incorporate healthy discussion. This is what it looks like.

#1 It is hugely important to slow down and not react out of the “argument script” you’ve normally had. You know, where you both end up saying the same things to one another and nothing good comes out of it? You have to stop and really listen to the other guy(even if you’re not sure he’s listening to you). It is important that you do your part. After all, that’s what you have direct control over—your actions.

Don’t tell him he shouldn’t feel how he feels. This is death to good communication. Think how you feel when someone tells you that you’re wrong to feel how you feel. (Yes, I know he does this to you, but does it really work?) Feelings are feelings. Even if they don’t make sense to you, the other person has a right to his own response.

#2 Rather than start with a lot of “You need to change…” statements, say what you think your partner is feeling. This may seem really hard and feel goofy, but your mate isn’t sure you’re actually listening to her complaints. You want your partner to feel understood and listened to. Say what she’s told you back to her so she knows you’ve heard her. Even if you don’t agree with what she’s said and think she ought not be upset about this, she won’t feel really listened to, unless you can tell her what she’s saying to you.

If you can reflect her feelings concerning whatever you’re arguing about, she’s much more likely to care about your feelings. So, you tell her what you think she’s feeling. You might be wrong and she’ll want to correct what you thought she said, but that’s good, too. Feeling reflection looks like this: “I guess you get angry and scared when I don’t let you know I’m coming home late from work” or “I know you get really upset when I spend money without talking to you first.”

#3 Now you need to say what you’re feeling about the situation. If you’ve been able to convey that you understand his feelings, your partner is much more likely to be able to hear yours.

Don’t think yelling accusations or demands is an expression of your feelings. Your partner will feel justifiably defensive if you do this. After you’ve successfully reflected his feelings, state your own emotions. Please note—this doesn’t mean saying, “I feel that you…” That’s an accusation, not expression of your emotions. Talking about how you feel would be something like: “When I don’t get a call from you telling me you’re going to be late, I worry that something’s wrong” or “I feel angry when you call me stupid.”

Rather than telling her she shouldn’t hang out with her single friends or bitching at her for talking to her friends about your fights, you need to communicate the emotional impact of the choices the two of you are making. This is the communication pattern that is more effective than yelling, “When you do this ____, I feel ____.”

If you get to this point, the flavor of the argument should change. The two of you won’t be running around the same script in a useless fight. You’ll be talking and listening to each other. Even really tough conflicts can be resolved in relationships. Things you’d be sure would break you up.

Listen. Talk about your feelings. Remember, relationships are one of the hardest things we humans do. Give yourself a chance and learn how to deal effectively with conflict.

Throw-Away Relationships

When you start seeing someone new does it ever cross your mind that if things get complicated, you’ll just break-up? Most individuals want to be in a relationship. It seems easier than being alone, but building a solid, rewarding relationship is a really hard thing to do. Maybe one of the hardest on this earth. The divorce rate reflects this.

Many adults grew up with divorced parents or had friends whose parents were divorced. Dissolving a marriage isn’t fun, but sometimes it’s the best option. So, maybe you’re single again, what then?

Being alone doesn’t usually feel good and isn’t good for your emotional or physical health. So, you get into another relationship and, typically, you get in fast. If the old relationship broke, get a new one. If a lover decides to leave, we go out the next weekend looking for another hook-up. We deal with loss and grief through an exchange mentality. If a pet dies, we’ll be at the pet store or breeders within a week.

Too-quick relationships often become disposable. In our culture, we cycle through relationships—mating up and breaking up with a speed that can rack up the marriages for a person fairly quickly. But we still want to marry, still want to believe in forever. Some say that we should work harder at marriage and that may be true, but part of the problem is how bad we are at choosing mates. Many of us put more thought into buying a car than whether or not to start up a thing with the guy from yoga class.

Divorce is ugly and painful, but the breaking-up isn’t the only problem. Some individuals fail to consider basic issues of compatibility when deciding to begin a relationship. Do your lifestyles mesh? This is where looking at values comes into play. Does one of you choose to indulge in recreational drugs on the weekend or excessive recreational drinking while the other is a teetotaler? Do you want the same kind of lives? Kids? No kids? Religion? Agnostic? Are you determined to make your first million before the age of 35, but he just wants a simple life?

Lifestyle compatibility is major when we’re talking creating a successful relationship. But that doesn’t mean you are the same people. Having different perspectives lends both a spice to life and helps to create a more balanced outlook. What you need is similar values; different personalities.

Getting into a relationship without either knowing the person (and I’m not talking Biblical knowing) or considering whether you share values is like using paper plates. If you eat regularly, you have to know you’re going to run through a number of plates.

Throw-a-way relationships can corrode your outlook and sap your energy. Before you jump into the next one, ask yourself how well you know this person. Do you know how she voted in the last election? Or whether she voted at all? How maxed are her credit cards and what’s her shoe size.

Before you jump into the next one, consider hedging your bets. Get to know the person you’re considering spending a part of your life with. It’ll result in fewer turnovers and less spinning of your wheels.

Stop Beating a Dead Horse

It’s true that we discard relationships more rapidly than previously, but maybe we’re just confused about relationships…. Jumping in and out of couplehood like living in a revolving door isn’t good. But staying in a going-nowhere relationship is pointless and, ultimately, bad for both of you.

The question is how you decide whether to invest or get out. This is tough when trying to make financial decisions and even harder when we’re talking about your heart. You need to ask yourself the difficult questions. Do you and the guy you’re with want similar lifestyles? (Both want kids, both have similar financial goals, both want to live in the city or the country. The same coast or somewhere in-between.)

Do you share similar ideas about using alcohol and chemicals recreationally? If you don’t see yourself in a life where alcohol is always present, don’t marry someone who wouldn’t consider celebrating without a drink. Individuals make assumptions about this aspect of life that can lead to significant relationship conflict. If you smoked pot when you were in high school or college, but think it’s irresponsible to continue doing this when you have kids, you need to make sure your partner agrees.

Do you have the same life beliefs? (Similar ideas about religion, family and how you spend your money.) How do you differentiate this from having dissimilar personalities, which is a good thing? What if you know you want very different lives and, yet, you find yourself holding on to the relationship, hoping the other person will change or that you’ll learn to deal with the conflict?

This is a tough question. If you’ve been with this person a while, you’ve come to care for her. While this affection is important to take into consideration, it probably won’t be enough to overcome major issues. So, what are the deal-breakers for you? This is what you need to ask yourself and you need to be brutally honest. Too often, we drift into relationships because of convenience or hormones. Sometimes, the biggest factor in who you date is that you don’t want to be alone.

I’m not suggesting you embrace singlehood forever. But if the relationship you’re in has no future, maybe it’s time to move on. Typically, the longer you stay, the worse the break-up will be and the harder the feelings. It’s too easy to get comfortable being unhappy or trying to get your partner to see the light. The light the way you see it, of course.

This can be massively more complicated if you share a child, but children don’t do well with unhappy parents. If there are children involved, see a competent therapist and figure out if the relationship can find a good ground. If you don’t have kids and your relationship isn’t working, don’t stay until one accidentally appears.

Shared values and lifestyles do not equal a good relationship, though. You might have the same values as your brother, but that doesn't mean you should date him. In a healthy, functional, fulfilling relationship, you have to like each other, balance each others’ personalities and both be willing to work on developing yourselves. But having conflicted core values is like building a house in a flood zone. It’s just a matter of time.

If you’re in a relationship where you’re going different places and want different things, cut your losses.

Sometimes They Won't Like You

Rejection feels bad, so much that some individuals live their entire lives avoiding others’ disapproval. Some people are very good at this though most individuals only have modest success—triumph in this area usually comes at the expense of their own needs and desires. Still, if you’ve spent your life as the “Golden Child”, the good employee, the best friend, then you may find yourself going to extremes to stay in others’ good graces.

The cost can be high.

Still, rejection hurts. You can really struggle when you’ve put a lot of effort into keep others happy and this doesn’t work. There are plenty who’ll tell you to give up on being concerned about how other people see you, but this is a hard habit to break.

What if rejection is completely unearned? If you date someone and they treat you badly or act disinterested, their negative response may very well be their issue. Or it may fall under the just not that into you category. Still, if you’re someone who works hard at being liked, this can be unsettling.

Aren’t we supposed to make others happy? Isn’t that part of love? Part of being a good person? And being liked feels so much better than not being liked. No question about it. The issue is one of balance. If you sacrifice too much for others’ approval, you’ll end up angry with yourself and with them. Sometimes, getting approval comes at a significant cost. You might need to tolerate some rejection. If a relationship requires you to consistently sacrifice your own desires and wishes, it becomes a job. One you don’t need.

Being aware of others is a good thing, but you need to live your life according to your own values. Others have their own agendas…they want what they want. Sometimes, even good people tick others off.

You need to live your life according to your own beliefs. This means you have to actually know what you believe. Spend some time thinking about what’s important to you, what you think makes a good person. Processing this enables you to have an internal compass. You bring yourself to each situation and it’s both exciting and scary to realize you’re deciding who you are. You get to—are responsible to—construct yourself. You grew up in a certain value-set and this has a lot of influence, but the bottom line is your decisions on how to live your life.

Rejection is a crappy part of life. But it’s somewhat non-negotiable. You can’t do away with it all together, no matter how much you want to. Others are not always going to understand your positions or actions…and even if they understand, they may disagree.

Living a good life means living by your own internal integrity. You need to know what you need. What you believe.

Relationship Power Differentials

Challenges abound when one partner in a relationship has more power than the other. This can be earning-power, celebrity-power, ethnicity-power or citizenship-power. Whatever gives one the upper hand. It may sound good to say that healthy relationships require equality, but our worst characteristics come out in the conflicts closest to our hearts. We fight the dirtiest when we’re fighting with the ones we love. We tend to go for the jugular when it feels like everything we have is on the line. This may not seem right, but it's the case more often than not.

Being a couple is complicated. In a time when there are more possibilities for you both, you have to negotiate how you interact. Relationship conflict is a given. If you have a relationship, you will sometimes have disagreements. Big differences in power just complicate these.

This only recently became an issue in relationships. Before this, power differentials have been built in and some people still mourn their loss. Men always made more money than women until the last few decades. In the past, only when women inherited money, or had some very unusual situation, did they have access to more money than their mates. The financial power differential was often cited as a reason for women to handle home and family responsibilities themselves—men had to make the living. This is no longer the case.

Let’s be honest--having less power than someone else feels bad. There may be a sense of security in being with a mate who has more options/more money/more skills, but that security comes with a price. When more-powerful partners are unhappy or angry with their mates, less-powerful partners can feel at-risk. There is a likelihood of thinking the one has to keep the other “happy”, no matter what. You want your mate to be happy. It’s the no matter what part that makes things sticky. Jumping through hoops to “make” someone feel whatever, isn’t good. This isn’t healthy thinking in a relationship. When one half of a couple is better-paid or better-educated or just “better” in some way, the other can feel like he’s always giving in. This will consequently lead to the less-powerful mate feeling reactive and defensive.

It’s hard from the other side, too. The partner with more power can feel apologetic for this power-differential, even when he’s done nothing to put his partner down or subjugate her. Then, too, it’s hard not to use power when you feel threatened somehow. Even partners who, in their calmer, saner moments, would never want their mate to feel less-than, can tend to use their power when in a really challenging relationship conflicts. Sometimes, it even seems like you’re trying to end the conflict by mentioning your power strength, like a mate who has a big-money job mentioning that she has to work all the time, so he should take care of all the chores. That seems reasonable, doesn’t it?

So, what to do? Bring differences in power out into the open. You have to talk about it, not just once, but frequently. In the beginning, when relationship skills are being honed, the two of you need to put the power thing on the table. If one makes more money or is from an ethnicity which has more societal value, this needs to be openly acknowledged. If the differences have a play in what’s going on between you, they need to be addressed.

The more powerful person doesn’t need to apologize all the time for the discrepancy, but she must be aware of not playing on the differences to her benefit.

Being aware of these conflicts helps you to deal with them in a healthy manner. If you can talk openly about these aspects of your experience, you have a better shot at building a fulfilling, nurturing relationship.

Marriage and Holiday Gifts

The holidays are gift time and this can be really tricky for couples. From the newspaper that comes heavy with sale circulars to television commercials that show beautiful people responding with beautiful emotions to very pricey items, the holidays can be a time we try to buy love. This doesn’t mean that you don’t really love your spouse or she doesn’t love you, but the whole gift thing can be massively complicated. It’s just about as challenging as Valentine’s Day.

There are several different ways to look at gift-giving between lovers. Some feel that “hinting” or outright telling their spouses what they want is the way to go. This group wants what they want and they don’t see any reason their mates shouldn’t give them something they’ll like. Others are of the “receive with an open heart” group and they feel strongly that people should happily receive whatever a loved one gives them.

The largest and most challenging group, however, feels that, if their loved ones actually know them, they should know what they want or, at the very least, what they would enjoy. Guess what I’d like! For these individuals, gifts represent how much their mates know them and how much thought goes into getting the right item.

Clearly, gift-giving can be very difficult.

Partners don’t always know which group their spouses fall into. If couples don’t get around to discussing their philosophies about handling money, their feelings about child-rearing or their hopes for how couplehood will actually work, they certainly won’t talk about what gifts mean to them. Too often, the holiday season becomes a time of misplaced efforts and disappointed hopes.

Your own philosophy about gifts may conflict with his. What if you enjoy going out and wandering the malls and just seeing what strikes you? You may enjoy the festive spirit of the season and feel that buying just the items on a list takes the fun out of giving gifts. If you’re with a man who thinks it only make sense to tell you exactly what he wants you to get him, you may feel all the fun is being taken out of the season. The spontaneous gift buyer hates buying off a list. The list-giver, however, may feel this is the only way to get something he’ll really like

Sadly, this sort of disconnect can lead to resentment and hard feelings between mates.

The trickiest gift style is the one that feels like a test. When individuals want their significant others to guess their deepest desires, disappointment is frequent. Shouldn’t soul mates know each other that well? If you’ve spent many years in a relationship and have worked toward really knowing one another, you’ve probably gained an understanding of your mate. Most likely, you can get a gift that satisfies your mate. But the idea of an instantaneous complete understanding of one another—soul mates—early in a relationship, doesn’t fit well into day-to-day reality.

If you can’t read your mate’s mind, the gift season can be a nightmare. Particularly, if she expects you to value what she values.

The healthiest way to deal with these kind of differences is to accept that both styles of finding gifts are fine. Some people resent having to compromise—viewing this as giving up something. Understanding each other’s differences, however, isn’t a giving up. Truly understanding each other takes some of the sacrifice out of finding the middle ground. If you know your partner’s gift style, you might want to work with both her style and your own.

There’s no harm in including both of your ways of celebrating with gifts. If your mate likes you to buy off a list, do that...and then add some small surprise of your own. If you’re supposed to guess which gift he’d most like, pay attention to his preferences. Most people aren’t secretive about what they enjoy. Valuing one another's gift style isn't reached instantaneously, but neither is a good relationship.

The solution to managing murky relationship waters has to do with understanding and appreciating each other’s differences. After all, you loved her for the ways she’s unique. Embrace that now.

Giving Gifts We Want to Get

Everyone moans about the rush of the season and about having too much to do at this time of year, but buying gifts can be fun. Credit card bills in January can be staggering, and you know this. After all, you’ve lived through a few Januarys by this time. But buying—especially for your kids—can be sooooo much fun.

You don’t want your kids to suffer the disappointments you had. You want more for them, and you’re probably too aware of the moments when you’ve not been the greatest parent. Parent-guilt is almost as universal as Catholic-guilt. Guiding a helpless infant into becoming a well-adjusted adult is a huge job, complicated by our own struggles and short-comings. Parenting is one of the hardest things we do in this life.

Especially at Christmas or Hanukkah, parents tend to throw financial caution to the wind and buy! The real challenge is to keep the buying about the kids. Everywhere you turn, there’s advice on how to keep the budget under control this time of year, but that’s hard. Not only do relatives and friends expect gifts, but your kids are making lists of things they must have and can’t live without, things their friends already have.

You can feel pressured to measure up—to your kids’ expectations and to their friends’ parents’ generosity. You want your kids to feel loved. You want them not to feel like dorks, so you try to get them whatever all the other kids have. Or what seems really cool to you.

In general, we tend to buy emotionally. Feelings are all tied up with the whole gift-giving thing. Sometimes, our feelings about ourselves. Sadly, we often buy for others what we think they want or what we’d want if we were kids or what we actually want now, regardless of our ages. Parents buy their kids video games they want to play, cars they want to drive and clothes they’d want to wear, if they still had sixteen year-old bodies.

Few other times are as easy to project your unfinished business on to your kids than gift-time. You load up the back of your SUV and use your credit cards till they’re hot to the touch. We forget to be aware of what the kid needs. If children don’t grow up with an understanding of money, it’s probably because we parents are trying to be Santa Claus year round. It’s easy to want for your own kids what you wished you’d had yourself.

Whether this means getting a parent-loan for them to attend a expensive out-of-state college, buying them a new Mustang as their first car or getting them every toy known to man, parents can give their kids too much. You love them, but are you thinking about what’s good for them when you hit the malls?

We tend to forget that children can be overwhelmed by stuff. They lose any concept of appreciating what they have if they have so much they can’t find it in their rooms. The real challenge as a parent is giving your children what they need. Knowing what they need is hard. When it comes to the gift-giving season, we want to feel good. We want to see happy, excited faces as they rip open wrapping paper. Most of us, go for the convenience foods of emotion—we buy stuff.

When you give a gift to a child, try not to focus on the wrapping-paper-flying-through-the-air frenzy. It is a bitter moment a month later when you find the gift you chose, bought, wrapped and are still paying for, at the bottom of the closet with the hundred other toys that don’t get played with. January can be harsh for reasons other than the the weather and the bills that come.

Resist.

Love your kids by not overwhelming them. Love them by practicing good financial habits yourself. After all, they may go to college someday and it’d be nice if you could help with that without hocking the house or going massively into debt.

Make the gifts about the recipient. Get your kids moderate Christmas or Hanukkah gifts. Get your spouse and your friends thoughtful, reasonable gifts that won’t have you filing bankruptcy in six months. Make the gifts about the person receiving them, not about you.

Kids and Christmas -- Does Fair Mean Same?

If you have more than one kid, you’ve probably worried about being fair as a parent. Having a parent who plays favorites can color a child’s early life. Ask any adult you know who their parents’ favorite kid was. They usually know and it still bugs them.

Kids and equality of parental love can be complicated.

When you’re a parent, you might tell your kids you love them equally, but does that mean always doing exactly the same for them all. Christmas gives you lots of opportunity to worry about this. Most parents enjoy getting gifts for their kids, but the issue of equality can make this complicated. Some parents respond to this by rigidly adhering to a “everyone gets the same” policy. Same pajamas, similar toys. You don’t want to play favorites, especially if you’ve grown up with an adult who did this with you.

Sorting the equality issue through can be challenging as a parent. There are several things you need to consider. First off, there are times you prefer one kid over the other. (It’s just you and I here--You can admit it to yourself.) If you love movies and one of your children loves watching them with you—you’re probably going to feel closer to the kid who shares your hobby. If you vote Republican and you’ve got a kid who worships George Bush—you feel connected and think the kid has her head on straight. If you love sports and your child, either plays sports or avidly watches sports with the same passion you do, you’re gonna really like this child.

It’s not that you love one more than the other, but you might feel closer to one at a given point, and closer to another kid at a different time. Emotions shift. This is normal. It doesn’t mean you don’t love all your kids. But you won’t always feel the same towards them. Get used to it and don’t freak out.

When it comes to parental love, though, children can evaluate equality as being reflected in what you give them. So, gift-giving can be difficult. Parents tend to worry and to try and give their kids the same, or spend the same money on them, but that’s probably not the best answer. Are your kids just alike? Do they have the same interests? Engage in the same activities?

Probably not.

If they’re not the same people, don’t treat them just alike. While it may be scary to think about investing differently in your kids, you need to do the tough thing. Respond to the individual child. Give her gifts appropriate to her, give her what she needs and wants. If your kids feel acknowledged and validated in their uniqueness, they’re probably not going to get crazy about one of them having an extra gift.

Love the kid, give the kid what’s good for that kid.

Friendships, Gifts, and Christmas

Friends add comfort and warmth to life, not to mention fun, but at Christmas time, the gift issue can be stressful. Having someone who you like to hang out with, just makes everything better, but do you buy them a gift? If so, what? How much do you spend? What if you have more disposable income than your friend? Do you buy something you’ll think they like, but costs more than they can afford to spend on you?

Why can’t this be simpler? If this is your friend, you know her likes and dislikes, her hobbies and longings. That might make getting a gift easier when you go shopping or it could make things stickier.

You might want to start with the question of whether you’re getting each other gifts, at all. There are some of us who like tokens of our friendships to be spontaneous and unstructured. This means you want to let an idea hit you and offer the gift to your friend without discussion before hand. It can be a fun, charming experience…or you might be treading on shaky ground. What if your friend doesn’t like the commercialized aspects of gift-getting at Christmas and Hanukkah? You might know this, but not having any conversation about the tradition beforehand, you might not.

What if your friend is on a very tight budget and doesn’t like to talk about it? You might have seen a charming necklace that will go with her favorite outfit and you snapped it up without thinking. Does the gift surprise your friend to the point of you having something for her and her not having a gift for you? What if she belongs to a religion that doesn’t believe in participating in the exchanging of gifts at Christmas?

Talking about gift-exchanging early is probably a good idea. While some people feel this—and the swapping of lists—takes some of the fun out of the season, it might be a safer alternative than springing your idea of Christmas on them. If you and your friends have a disparity in financial resources, talking about everyone’s idea of gift-getting is a good plan, and this is when setting a limit on an amount of money spent on a gift makes sense. It is also a good plan for the one with the tightest budget to set the limit.

This kind of conversation requires tact. You might want to start with “Shall we exchange token gifts this Christmas?” Then, bring up the idea of lists. While the more spontaneous gift-giver dislikes being limited to the items on a list, this can give you an idea of the individual’s needs and preferences. Otherwise, you’re likely to buy gifts you think are cool, but which have greater chance of ending up in their garage sale or charity donations. While the one with the biggest disposable income needs to be the one to mention the idea of lists, the one with the smaller income should be the one volunteering a monetary limit.

This is way more complicated than in previous days when our grandmothers knitted winter hats for their friends or baked cookies for them. Either of these is a lovely gift, even now, but some friends really prefer a gift card to Itunes.

It’s okay to talk about these things amongst friends. Having affection for one another includes avoiding Yuletide embarrassment when possible.

Husbands and Disappointing Gifts

He should know better. Even if he misses your clues that you’ve been hankering after a diamond “journey” necklace, a special perfume or that hot car, he still has to know that you’re not going to be thrilled with a new rifle/washing machine/elasticized polyester pants.

If you’re an avid hunter, the rifle may thrill you. Not so much, when your spouse buys you something he’d enjoy or something cheesy he found in a last-minute trip to the mall. Christmas can end up being more than disappointing…it’s just another big moment when you don’t feel loved.

Despite the commercials to the contrary, not everyone longs for a diamond necklace, but there are things you’d enjoy finding under the tree. Something tailored to you and your lifestyle. Maybe something you wouldn’t get yourself, but you’ve looked at wistfully and thought If I ever win the lottery….

Most adults have responsibilities and—most of the time—these come first. You may not feel okay getting yourself a gift when it’s the season to give to others. On the other hand, you don’t want to have to plaster on a fake smile when it’s time to open your gifts. Lots of people do this and feel horribly guilty that Christmas is mostly about disappointment. After all, you tell yourself, it’s the thought that counts. Unfortunately, sometimes it seems like he didn’t put much of that to use when he got your gifts.

When you live with a person, it seems like he ought to know what you like and don’t like. Maybe you have a secret yen for specialty coffee, but sternly refuse to let yourself to spend the daily family budget becoming an Starbucks addict. It might be nice to get a gift card that enables you to treat yourself without guilt. Or you might have a beloved car or SUV that’s grime-covered and you long to get it detailed. Maybe you have a secret penchant for milk chocolate that you only satisfy when you go to the grocery store alone. (Gotta set an example for those vegetable-avoiding kids.)

A small box of exquisite chocolates…just for you, would touch you and let you know he understands.

Most women have a long list of people they buy for…mothers-in-laws and co-workers. Children and mates. It may seem sometimes like you’re always on your own back burner. If you have a good marriage, you might enjoy looking for just the right gift for him. You love him. Your gift for him is just a reflection of this…but does that emotional significance come back to you?

You might end up splurging on something for yourself at the holidays, figuring someone should, but that can come with a chunk of guilt attached. And resentment, too.

Maybe your marriage needs a tune-up. (Get one before things get ugly. This is, after all, a major life investment.) Or maybe you just need to have an open conversation with your spouse. Have you told him how you feel? Does he even know that his goofy gifts don’t really amuse you or that you could do without the cheap peek-a-boo lingerie? You guys need to talk about this.

Do it without waiting until you want to explode. No good conversation takes place when you've bottled up your feelings until you find yourself spewing all over him. It might be hard to believe that he doesn’t know how you feel, but he really might not have been able to connect the dots. If you speak one language and him another, he might not know how to translate. Help him, and do it without anger, sarcasm or tears.

All he’ll get if you do explode is that you’re mad. And then he’ll likely feel defensive and want to point out all the good things he does(which you don’t apparently appreciate). None of this will help you feel particularly listened to or understood. It’ll be another pointless argument and you’ll end up telling yourself you were right about keeping your dissatisfaction to yourself.

Talk. Remember that you love him and you—overall—feel loved by him. Tell him how you feel and that you know he loves you. He’ll be able to hear you much better if you start from a place of strength in the relationship. Talk. He wants to hear you.

Staying Together after Infidelity

This is really tough to do and, ironically, you may find yourself having to defend the choice to stay. Your friends and relatives will tell you to just end the marriage. But you love him…or you have a history and/or kids together. Maybe you secretly think this is all your fault.

I'm going to have to disagree . You don’t have that kind of power.

Infidelity not only rips up the intimate fabric of a relationship, it signals that something was wrong in the relationship in the first place. Don’t let yourself believe everything was perfect until one of you woke up one day and decided to do the mattress mambo with someone else.

Infidelity doesn't just spring up in a relationship and moving to heal can be excrutiatingly difficult.

Sometimes you just can’t get over the betrayal of the infidelity and it’s really a personal choice whether you get the heck out or stay and try to fix the relationship. If you’ve still got love in your heart for your mate, stay. But there are a few things to consider if the marriage is going to survive.

Is the affair over? This is a big thing. There’s no point in trying to figure out what went wrong in the marriage if the one who strayed still has one foot in the other camp. You have to let go of the other person(or persons) and put all your focus on the marriage.

Can you work on not beating the cheater up all the time? This is a question only the betrayed spouse can answer, but if you’re too mad and too hurt to seriously reevaluate the marriage, get out. There is an almost universal period of grieving that’s very normal, however. After all, the cheated-on spouse probably never thought this would happen. An affair is a blow. For some time, there’ll be questions. When were you two together? What did you do with her/him? And the big one, do you still see or talk to him/her? If your mate works with the other person and can’t change jobs, this is a big on-going issue.

Can you move beyond the betrayal to actually fix the relationship? This is the goal. If cheating happens, then there are problems in the relationship and, since you sure the heck don’t want a repeat, you’ve got to fix the issues between the two of you. First off, get professional help and make sure the therapist you work with has both a belief that couples can heal after cheating, and experience in aiding this.

Then you start looking for resentment. And estrangement. These are difficult issues because they can imply that somehow the cheating spouse had justification for going outside the marriage. So not true. There is no justification for cheating. It hurts everyone and is destructive on all levels. Even when you think you’re in love with an extra-marital partner, you’re just deluded and lying to yourself.

Healthy, happy relationships don’t start as infidelity. Say you cheat, break up with the spouse and end up married to your lover. Even if you tell yourself that you and your extra-marital flame were soul-mates, you’ve always got guilt looming over you. You, also, have the very real possibility, when things get tough in this relationship, whoever cheated once will do it again. So, don’t think it’s all going to be hunky-dory if you can always be with your lover.

Healing the damaged marriage requires you to look at the issues that broke it down in the first place. You can’t just gloss over the transgression with determination and promises that I’ll never do this again. Look at the problems. Look hard, and find someone who can help you fix these.

If you are both working on the relationship, you need to acknowledge the power shift. Suddenly, the wronged spouse is pure and lily-white and the cheater is dirt. If you stepped out on your spouse and see the massive grief and pain this cause, you will probably find yourself groveling and guilt will be your constant companion. We can’t do much about the guilt--you've earned it--but fixing the relationship requires you both to talk about what was happening to you before the affair. What went wrong.

You have to learn to communicate and to resolve issues. This sounds simple, but it’s massively complicated. Most people don’t know how to resolve issues in a marriage, which is why the divorce rate continues to climb. It can be done, however, if you are both determined to learn how to have a different experience.

Think of this as weight lifting for your character. Staying in a troubled marriage and just tolerating the problems isn’t good for anyone, but fixing it, can be the most amazing, empowering experience in your life.

The Favorite Child

Just ask the kids in a family—they know which is their parents’ favorite. Most of the time, it’s probably no big deal. At least, not now. You’ve had a while to get used to it and you’re an adult, after all.

But this can make the holidays complicated and leave you exhausted after time spent with family. You’re supposed to love being with your family, right? Those families that are somewhat functional, anyway. But the currents that lie under family interactions make this challenging for some.

For many, the holidays aren’t joyful.

Some parents are scrupulous in being fair. They give their kids gifts that are equal in monetary value. Sometimes, this is a parent’s way of trying not to be preferential when they do, in fact, prefer one kid. While the gifts are usually appreciated, and the topic of the parental favorite may not be openly discussed, children know. They know what kid is which parent’s favorite and, when talking about it, they can come up with specific moments in their lives when this was very clear. There’s usually a lot of emotion involved in the subject.

This can be a tough situation, even for the kid who is the favorite. In some families, the preferred child suffers negative consequences of this role —from the other parent or from his siblings. Resentment can be strong. Of course, along with this comes some gloating. I’m mom’s favorite, they may have said when they were younger.

Sometimes, parents give more of their time and money to the child who seems to need them most, the one who’s struggling. The unemployed kid or the one who’s perpetually under-employed and financially needy. The kid who has a physical limitation or a bad marriage. While the issues of parental time, money and love are complex, everything is made more difficult when need enters the picture as a significant factor. The complicated role of parent is part of the problem. From the moment of birth, the parent is responsible for the child. Some parents grow very, very accustomed to this. They see their children as a reflection on them—and even when the kids are adults—still try to parent.

Then there’s also the factor that, as parents age, they’re prone to gravitate towards situations where they still feel important. Significant. If an adult child needs a parent for money, or some other kind of help, the parent may feel less loss of power as they get older. Age can suck. With it, comes a diminishing of physical power and changes in financial resources. Parents may cling to a care-taking role that has given them importance.

Still, the other kids--the ones who’ve never asked for a loan or who have always repaid these--can get annoyed when it seems like money pours out on another child. Do you get penalized for success? Your parents’ time and money is spent on the loser kid or on the one who chose not to get a profession? What about the preferred kid who’s always been the “Golden Child”? Never screwing up…always perfect. This kind of favorite can leave the others quietly cheering when they get fired or divorced.

If you’re the preferred child—the one everybody in the family turns to or the one who needs the most—you can change this. You need to look at your own actions. How are you participating in this pattern? Are you glorying in the “beloved” position without seeing the limitations? You may be contributing to the thing you say you hate.

Those non-preferred children may have to accept that parental preference is usually more about the parent, than about the kids. You can find a peace about this if you accept that your parent is a flawed human being, with her own issues, like the rest of us. You still won’t like the preferential thing, but it helps if you don’t personalize it. Having a parent who prefers another child, doesn’t mean anything about you.

Sort this out for yourself before your parent dies. Family law specialists see too many families fighting over a parent’s estate out of emotional issues. Remember, you need to feel okay about yourself. See your own successes. Value your own strengths. Doing this lessens resentment and brings you peace. That’s really what’s most important.

Relay Relationships

Do you only break-up with one lover when you have someone else in the wings? Only when there’s another good possibility cooking? Being alone can be scary. Of course, when you’re in a relationship that really isn’t working, the thought of being alone is great. You daydream about what it would be like to come home and not deal with the crap. But, sure enough, when there’s a break-up looming ahead, your find yourself going out with friends and smiling encouragingly at new possibilities.

For some, the thought of being alone is completely unacceptable.

So, you throw all the unresolved conflicts and bad behaviors of one relationship into the dark attic of your mind and move on to the new thing. The new guy. The one who’s different and won’t go out all the time with friends or make you feel bad about yourself. This time it’ll be better. This one will stick.

Don’t kid yourself. All you’re doing in jumping out of one bad situation into another situation (that’s going to go bad eventually) is building up a history. A really unpleasant string of relationships that haven’t worked. You need a relationship postmortem. An autopsy of sorts. What went wrong?

You need to process the relationship failure, so you don't just repeat it. This processing is important and jumping into a new relationship, the day after ending the old one, gets in the way. This isn't a relay race.

I’m not declaring a specific mourning time for everyone who’s been in a relationship that breathed it’s last. There’s no such animal. No number of weeks or months or years you should wait before jumping in again. And you should jump in. Relationships are important. Folks live longer, healthier lives when they’re married or with a long-term, committed mate. Together is important for humans.

Racking up one flawed relationship after another isn’t good for you, however. It’s wearing on your mental and physical health. To get out of this mind-set, you have to start looking at this differently. It’s not so much a matter of finding just anyone or the perfect “right” one, you need to look at your own stuff first. Every relationship is made up of two people (not counting the kids, step-kids, random family members and friends). You have brought stuff—both good and bad—to every relationship that hasn’t worked.

This is really good news. I know it sounds bad. It sounds as if you’re all the problem, or a big part of the problem, and who wants that? You do, actually. If you can see what you’re contributing to the mess of all these relationships, then you have a chance of changing your experience.

You can make it different.

**Brief, explanatory note here—I’m not saying that you have to power to make any and all relationships work. Or that if you just act right or do everything right, your troubled relationship will smooth out. I’m not saying this. Some relationships are beyond saving.**

You are, after all, only one part of this thing. Your partner gets some say-so in all this, too. He's got his issues, too. But you need to look at your actions. Are your relationship-expectations reasonable? Do you lie and cheat or drink excessively? You need to look honestly at your own stuff.

You, also, need to take a good, hard look at whether or not your reasons for getting into each relationship were deeply flawed, in the first place. Some people with difficult, troubled lifestyles(read drug and alcohol abuse here), choose partners who share that same lifestyle. There’s not much chance of building a strong, supportive loving connection if you’re both busy behaving badly to yourselves and others. Nothing will make this kind of relationship healthy for you.

Getting into a relationship for safety/avoidance of life reasons also makes for a bad prognosis ( i.e. What the two of you really have in common is that you don’t want to be alone or are tired of dating.) Some people choose each other because they don’t want to argue, at all. They don’t want to deal with conflict on any level. While lifestyle differences can be very difficult to overcome, dissimilar personalities can lead to individual and relationship growth.

Arguing is not always bad. Differences on a personality level can be a good thing. When you marry someone who’s too similar to you in personality, it’s like trying to play on a see-saw with you both sitting on the same side. Personality differences tug at you and make you talk and make you think. This leads to conflict, but it’s conflict that makes you stronger, better people.

Don’t jump from one failing relationship to another. You’ll end with a string of failed marriages or broken relationships and you won’t be happy. Look at yourself and the issues you need to address…then get involved with someone who sees things differently. There’s a better chance of success. Relationship success is the golden place everyone’s after. There’s no reason why you can’t create warm, supportive, fun interaction in a relationship that works.

Next on the Marriage Checklist

Is your marriage really okay? You may never argue (and this would be a bad thing, believe it or not) or you may argue all the time. Arguing isn’t fun, but the real test of a relationship is whether or not you resolve the conflicts. Whether both of you think the arguments are resolved. It’s not okay if one of you wins all the time.

Dealing successfully with disagreements can make or break a marriage. Don’t let yourself think you can fight, not talk for a day or two, then go on like nothing happened. Resist the urge to tell yourself that you just got over it! This is not how people in relationships work. What happens is that conflicts sink into a gray underworld place—not resolved, not addressed—where they poison the well-water.

Still, couples do this. They argue and let themselves believe that they can go on without dealing with the issues.

What happens too often is that you go on checking things off the marital check-list, hoping you’ll get over the widening gulf between you. Many people still believe—regardless to research that contradicts the theory—that having children will heal any conflicts between them. Studies show that there is no more stressful time in a marriage than the period during the most intensive child-rearing. Don’t think having children will make your marriage better.

But there’s still the tendency to avoid issues and do the things happy couples automatically do. You marry, finish school (if you haven’t already), get a job that supports you or one that supports you really well, buy a house(American Dream) that you may or may not be able to afford and have kids. There. You should be happy, right?

Surprise! There is no check-list. Not everyone wants a career that requires college. Not everyone who goes to college, finishes. Some who earn a degree, don’t end up with the job they’d hoped for or the salary they’d counted on (to pay off the college debt). With the once-booming housing market going bust, not every couple who bought, or built their dream house, have an investment they can make money on.

Not everyone wants or needs kids to be happy.

Sadly, when many couples have worked through the check-list of marriage/job/house/kids...divorce soon follows. This is hard on everyone, not just the kids. If you have serious or prolonged issues in a relationship, get help. Do this before you move forward—before you marry(if possible), before you have kids. I can make no recommendations about buying a house, except to say that the number one reason for divorce is finances. Get, and keep, yours in order.

Marriage is a terrific journey. It can be filled with laughter and joy, and along with that, challenges that make you want to pull your hair out. There are fun challenges in life you willingly, even eagerly, participate in—this isn’t what I’m talking about. Marriage, if done right, forces you to really look at yourself. Pushes you into being honest with yourself and makes you take a hard look at your beliefs.

Don’t think you can just ignore the stuff that comes up. Feeling consistently like you lose marital arguments is bad for the marriage. You should feel yourself to be on shaky ground if you always win the conflicts, too. This is supposed to be a balancing between two perspectives.

Conflict doesn’t just go away and buying a new house, a new car or a new kid, won’t make it better. Dealing with the issues is what moves a marriage into solid territory.

Forcing Relationships

Most individuals hate being alone. No matter how much trouble relationships involve, people tend to fear not having someone. Sadly, some would rather have anyone, than be alone. One is the loneliest number for most people(unless you’ve been in such a horrible relationship that it’s a relief) . Sometimes, you might succumb to the urge to force a relationship, rather than face the night all on your own.

Well-balanced, functional relationships are a blessing, even when you’re dealing with conflict. And there is conflict in relationships. Its unavoidable and conflict in a working relationship—conflict that actually gets resolved—helps us to grow. You want this kind of relationship.

You can’t, however, make this happen with just anyone. Some individuals choose relationship partners for unhealthy reasons. You might pick a person who’s similar to you in outlook in hopes of never arguing, never having conflict. This, however, is an attempt to side-step reality. No matter what, life involves conflict. Relationships that offer a system of checks-and-balances aren’t always comfortable, but they work.

There isn’t a way to always be comfortable in life. Sometimes, you just won’t be, no matter who you choose for a marital partner. The challenge is finding someone who balances you.

So, don’t try and find someone who’s just like you. Find someone who really likes you…and is contrasting in personality. The shy wall-flower and the used car salesman. Yes, there’ll be some push-pull in the socialization area, but you both need that. The big extrovert needs to learn to be by himself sometimes, to look into his own thoughts and feelings. The shy introvert needs to learn to meet and connect with others so her life includes support and fellowship. These are the counter-balancing effects of different personalities.

It is important, however, that couples share similar values. If one wants to live in the middle of an exciting, churning city and the other prefers an isolated, wind-swept hillside, life will be hard for both. Those who have a strong relationship with a higher power can find it frustrating to live with an atheist. One wants one kind of lifestyle, the other prefers something very different.

Don’t succumb to the temptation of trying to change your partner’s values. Differing personalities, though, can work.

One of the big challenges in this is that individuals with contrasting personalities need to be able to see the value of the other position. Don’t succumb to thinking the world would be lots better if everyone thought like you. It wouldn’t. This is a real tendency some have, mostly, because they don’t want to think they’re wrong. It’s not about being wrong. It’s about being different and seeing things differently from one another. There’s actually some truth in each perspective. You each have something important to offer the other.

Different personalities, similar values. If partners are attracted to each other(and there’s no good reason to be in a relationship if you’re not attracted) and respect the personality differences as having valuable aspects, you both benefit. You learn to listen to one another, even when you disagree. You learn to take the other perspective into consideration.

This is what balance is all about and balance leads to a better life.

Finding the right someone is better than hooking up with just anyone. So, be alone until you connect with a person who helps you be a better you. It pays off in the end.