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He should know better. Even if he misses your clues that you’ve been hankering after a diamond “journey” necklace, a special perfume or that hot car, he still has to know that you’re not going to be thrilled with a new rifle/washing machine/elasticized polyester pants.
If you’re an avid hunter, the rifle may thrill you. Not so much, when your spouse buys you something he’d enjoy or something cheesy he found in a last-minute trip to the mall. Christmas can end up being more than disappointing…it’s just another big moment when you don’t feel loved.
Despite the commercials to the contrary, not everyone longs for a diamond necklace, but there are things you’d enjoy finding under the tree. Something tailored to you and your lifestyle. Maybe something you wouldn’t get yourself, but you’ve looked at wistfully and thought If I ever win the lottery….
Most adults have responsibilities and—most of the time—these come first. You may not feel okay getting yourself a gift when it’s the season to give to others. On the other hand, you don’t want to have to plaster on a fake smile when it’s time to open your gifts. Lots of people do this and feel horribly guilty that Christmas is mostly about disappointment. After all, you tell yourself, it’s the thought that counts. Unfortunately, sometimes it seems like he didn’t put much of that to use when he got your gifts.
When you live with a person, it seems like he ought to know what you like and don’t like. Maybe you have a secret yen for specialty coffee, but sternly refuse to let yourself to spend the daily family budget becoming an Starbucks addict. It might be nice to get a gift card that enables you to treat yourself without guilt. Or you might have a beloved car or SUV that’s grime-covered and you long to get it detailed. Maybe you have a secret penchant for milk chocolate that you only satisfy when you go to the grocery store alone. (Gotta set an example for those vegetable-avoiding kids.)
A small box of exquisite chocolates…just for you, would touch you and let you know he understands.
Most women have a long list of people they buy for…mothers-in-laws and co-workers. Children and mates. It may seem sometimes like you’re always on your own back burner. If you have a good marriage, you might enjoy looking for just the right gift for him. You love him. Your gift for him is just a reflection of this…but does that emotional significance come back to you?
You might end up splurging on something for yourself at the holidays, figuring someone should, but that can come with a chunk of guilt attached. And resentment, too.
Maybe your marriage needs a tune-up. (Get one before things get ugly. This is, after all, a major life investment.) Or maybe you just need to have an open conversation with your spouse. Have you told him how you feel? Does he even know that his goofy gifts don’t really amuse you or that you could do without the cheap peek-a-boo lingerie? You guys need to talk about this.
Do it without waiting until you want to explode. No good conversation takes place when you've bottled up your feelings until you find yourself spewing all over him. It might be hard to believe that he doesn’t know how you feel, but he really might not have been able to connect the dots. If you speak one language and him another, he might not know how to translate. Help him, and do it without anger, sarcasm or tears.
All he’ll get if you do explode is that you’re mad. And then he’ll likely feel defensive and want to point out all the good things he does(which you don’t apparently appreciate). None of this will help you feel particularly listened to or understood. It’ll be another pointless argument and you’ll end up telling yourself you were right about keeping your dissatisfaction to yourself.
Talk. Remember that you love him and you—overall—feel loved by him. Tell him how you feel and that you know he loves you. He’ll be able to hear you much better if you start from a place of strength in the relationship. Talk. He wants to hear you.
