Posts
The holidays are gift time and this can be really tricky for couples. From the newspaper that comes heavy with sale circulars to television commercials that show beautiful people responding with beautiful emotions to very pricey items, the holidays can be a time we try to buy love. This doesn’t mean that you don’t really love your spouse or she doesn’t love you, but the whole gift thing can be massively complicated. It’s just about as challenging as Valentine’s Day.
There are several different ways to look at gift-giving between lovers. Some feel that “hinting” or outright telling their spouses what they want is the way to go. This group wants what they want and they don’t see any reason their mates shouldn’t give them something they’ll like. Others are of the “receive with an open heart” group and they feel strongly that people should happily receive whatever a loved one gives them.
The largest and most challenging group, however, feels that, if their loved ones actually know them, they should know what they want or, at the very least, what they would enjoy. Guess what I’d like! For these individuals, gifts represent how much their mates know them and how much thought goes into getting the right item.
Clearly, gift-giving can be very difficult.
Partners don’t always know which group their spouses fall into. If couples don’t get around to discussing their philosophies about handling money, their feelings about child-rearing or their hopes for how couplehood will actually work, they certainly won’t talk about what gifts mean to them. Too often, the holiday season becomes a time of misplaced efforts and disappointed hopes.
Your own philosophy about gifts may conflict with his. What if you enjoy going out and wandering the malls and just seeing what strikes you? You may enjoy the festive spirit of the season and feel that buying just the items on a list takes the fun out of giving gifts. If you’re with a man who thinks it only make sense to tell you exactly what he wants you to get him, you may feel all the fun is being taken out of the season. The spontaneous gift buyer hates buying off a list. The list-giver, however, may feel this is the only way to get something he’ll really like
Sadly, this sort of disconnect can lead to resentment and hard feelings between mates.
The trickiest gift style is the one that feels like a test. When individuals want their significant others to guess their deepest desires, disappointment is frequent. Shouldn’t soul mates know each other that well? If you’ve spent many years in a relationship and have worked toward really knowing one another, you’ve probably gained an understanding of your mate. Most likely, you can get a gift that satisfies your mate. But the idea of an instantaneous complete understanding of one another—soul mates—early in a relationship, doesn’t fit well into day-to-day reality.
If you can’t read your mate’s mind, the gift season can be a nightmare. Particularly, if she expects you to value what she values.
The healthiest way to deal with these kind of differences is to accept that both styles of finding gifts are fine. Some people resent having to compromise—viewing this as giving up something. Understanding each other’s differences, however, isn’t a giving up. Truly understanding each other takes some of the sacrifice out of finding the middle ground. If you know your partner’s gift style, you might want to work with both her style and your own.
There’s no harm in including both of your ways of celebrating with gifts. If your mate likes you to buy off a list, do that...and then add some small surprise of your own. If you’re supposed to guess which gift he’d most like, pay attention to his preferences. Most people aren’t secretive about what they enjoy. Valuing one another's gift style isn't reached instantaneously, but neither is a good relationship.
The solution to managing murky relationship waters has to do with understanding and appreciating each other’s differences. After all, you loved her for the ways she’s unique. Embrace that now.
