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Ah, love is beautiful and love can work through any problem …, then you marry and experience the reality. He's an atheist and you believe strongly in following your Jewish faith or evangelical Christianity or Buddhism. Whichever faith is yours, you believe in faith and he just doesn't. You had hopes of going to synagoge, church or temple together. He thinks you're nuts.
Or you love her and you can't imagine living without her. You may know she thinks she doesn't want children, but you can't imagine not being a daddy. She can't really mean she doesn't want them, can she? Eventually, she'll see the beauty of creating a family with you.
What about the red-blooded carnivore and the vegetarian who can never cook a meal together? The immediate bill-payer and the spendthrift? The loner and the individual who loves always being surrounded by friends and family? Is the way to avoid breaking up to find someone who shares your views on everything? Is this possible or even desirable? And can't couples work through problems?
First, we should recognize the difference between personalities and values. The two are interrelated, but different. Everyone has unique personalities that are very individual and have to do with the way we see the world and perceive ourselves in relation to things and others. Personality expresses who we are. Values, on the other hand, have to do with the beliefs upon which we found our lives. Values are the bedrock of life choices.
When you fall in love, you are usually enamored with an individual…the way he talks, the fun things you do together or the way he makes you laugh. The sex may be great. You can't imagine not choosing to be with him. It isn't necessary to get every detail of your future life worked out, is it? Next comes the big commitment. You get married, or engaged at the least. Maybe you're not the marrying kind and you don't care about a piece of paper, so you move in together and start a family.
This is when the fun starts and when values really start to matter. The big conflicts in relationship usually involve the way you handle money, the way you raise kids(or if you choose to have them at all), your preferred sexual behaviors, your religion(or the lack of it) and the in-laws. Most all couple difficulties arise in these areas. Even infidelity--sexual or emotional--originally stems from unresolved conflicts that can frequently be attributed to differences in values. Relationships are in trouble long before infidelity erupts and the trouble can usually be traced back to unresolved conflicts. Having values that conflict can really mess with a relationship.
If you've never learned to work through conflicts together, doing so now gets even harder when you both have so much on the line. Never having attended seriously to problems, you're finding they are bigger than you expected.
Do you know your own beliefs and the life choices that are important to you? Are you the kind of guy who wants to spend lots of quality family time with your kids or do you see yourself devoting fourteen-hour days to climbing the corporate ladder. Is it your goal to one day buy a boat and sail around the world? Or would you prefer to put down roots and earn the respect of your neighbors. Different people make different choices. Knowing your own values is important in choosing a mate.
If you're going to have any hope to spending years of your life in a fulfilling, successful relationship, you need to pick a mate whose values, and preferred lifestyle, are somewhat in line with yours. Issues as basic as where you prefer living--country or big city--can have a major impact on the success of a relationship. This is not to say that devoted couples can't resolve big conflicts. They can, but a major clash in values reduces the chance of happiness.
Opposite personalities can be a real strength to a relationship, but having values that conflict makes life stressful in a way that's hard to overcome. Changing another individual's values is an unrealistic goal. Values can change, but this is a significant personal journey that's risky to gamble on. Know your own values and those of your potential mates before you dive head first into a relationships.
Jumping into an intimate relationship with that sexy blonde you met at the club last night has everything to do with hormones and little to do with relationship longevity. Get to know your possibilities before getting naked. Get to really know that good-looking guy before you lose your heart to him. Understanding his values can help you make an informed decision about how you want your life to go.
Love that's constantly stressed by mates seeking widely different lives, doesn't last.
