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Friday, August 6, 2010

PERSONALIZE YOUR SEX, PEOPLE

"He just wants sex. He doesn't necessarily want me."

I hear this alot and it's always said with resentment. Don't go here.

Problems with sex are typically an indication of poor communication or no communication. As emotional estrangement builds, sex fades away. When you have a sex disconnect, a relationship disconnect is almost always present.

Lots of things contribute to this--resentment over an unequal balance of responsibilities in the home(one half feels she's doing all the housework, childcare, bringing-home-the-money, etc), really lousy communication, resentment over a previous wrong....to mention a few.

Sexual problems are rarely just sexual.

One component of this kind of imbalance is that the half of the relationship who doesn't beg for sex usually doesn't feel really wanted by the other partner. It's nothing personal. Although this isn't usually recognized, feeling desired by another person is a great aphrodesiac. Few things get you humming like someone being turned on by you.

Relationship problems lead to cheating, but a big component of cheating is that the extra-marital partner is really turned on by the cheater. (Of course, they're not thinking of themselves as cheaters--it's not all that attractive.)

Thinking your partner just wants to get his rocks off and that it doesn't have that much to do with you is a turn-off. Even if you guys are having sex regularly, the sex is hotter when one person is very excited to be with the other. "Oh my god, you're the sexiest!"

Not giving a flip about who you're having sex with, as long as you get sex, might not be your feeling. But when you're experiencing a sexual drought, you tend to get angry and sometimes you say ugly things you don't really mean...like talking about a person having needs and maybe even threatening to go get sex somewhere else. When they say this, sex-starved people aren't usually intending to go have random sex with strangers, they're trying to communicate how much they want the physical intimacy back in the relationship, but let me tell you, this is a stupid thing to say.

I just need an orgasm with another person--not just my own hand--isn't a flattering or arousing communication.

If one partner (not always the guy) seeks to experience connection through sexual activity, this can be seen by the other partner as dismissive and using. Partners who feel used (not always women) by sex-seeking mates don't think their feelings are important to the mate. They feel like anybody would do, the partner isn't really hungering for them. Just sex.This is why they feel used. They don't see their partners' desire for sex as being about them....it's just about having an orgasm(or two).

Some people connect through talking and sharing--vital to relationships--and some connect easier through having sex. The talking and sharing part is always important to building emotional intimacy, some people just have a different route to the feelings. Some want to talk before sex; others are opened up to communication by sex. This may seem weird to the talkers, but different folks work in different ways.

Sadly, we have a tendency to think the way we see the world is an absolute reality, but there are a bunch of folk who see things differently. Open your mind to a different viewpoint. Your sexual problems may be about something else altogether.