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Thursday, December 31, 2009

DATING HOW-TO

Get a Clear Picture of The Life You Want

This is important. If you see yourself and a large family living in the mountains, you don't need to get with a guy who doesn't want kids or who can't imagine living outside the city. If you dream of traveling to far off lands, don't get with a guy who thinks home is the only place a sane person would stay.

Know the life you're envisioning and remember this when it comes to picking a mate.

Is being married important to you? Then, don't spend years going out with someone who doesn't ever want to get married or who says vaguely that if it happens, it happens. If you don't see yourself having children, you'd best steer clear of guys with kids or those who want their wives/significant others to stay home with their progeny. The same thing goes for jobs. If you are invested in a career that demands a lot of you, then you need a mate who's supportive of what you're doing.

Dating may seem like it should be casual and natural, but chances are you'll have to make some decisions. Better to do that before you lose your heart to a man who doesn't share your values.

Know Your Own Values

Different beliefs about money are the number one conflict area that couples split up over. If you're a saver vs. spender, you need to know this. If earning a million before you're thirty is a big goal, that factors into your relationships. Having similar feelings about the importance of your income won't guarantee your relationships, but having very different feelings about money is guaranteed to challenge relationships. You might see things differently when it comes to finances, but you've got to respect the importance of one another's money value.

Feelings about fidelity run deep. If you're a dyed-in-the-wool monogamist, but your partner thinks cheating is "natural", the two of you have big trouble ahead. Cheating is too often a reality in relationships and runs a close second to conflicts over money. Infidelity is usually a reflection of unresolved issues in the relationship, but you need to know how you feel about a committed mate stepping out on a partner.

Some couples long to have their mates go to church with them. If this is a major value for you, don't date someone who views organized religion as a "opiate of the masses." It may not seem sexy to ask a guy on your first date if he goes to church, but you ought to wedge this discussion into the conversation before you unzip your dress and get naked with him. In order to make this a priority, you need to get a grip of your own feelings about religion.

The "Curl Your Toes" Factor

You may have decided not to let your passions rule your romantic decisions and I applaud you for this, but you need to consider the importance of sex appeal to a relationship. Dating someone based on whether or not you want to rip his clothes off probably isn't a good idea, but you have to be interested in how he looks when he's naked. If you completely disregard this, you run the risk of having a passionless relationship and that's just sad. It is possible to have both stability and hot-cha-cha.

Okay, Get Set, Interview!

It so doesn't seem sexy, but dating is a lot like looking for a job. Both you and he have certain stuff you need in a mate--just be honest about it. You may meet some great, interesting guys, but just not see a future with them. Do your best not to fall in love with the idea of falling in love. The guy in question might be lonely, too, but he wants you to want him, not just settle. He also doesn't want you taking up time on his dance card, if you just don't want to be alone and you're biding your time until a more likely candidate comes along.

Ask the important questions. Maybe not on the very first date--don't want to be checking off a list--but soon. Certainly before you start wrinkling his sheets or picking out china patterns.

Dating can be tiring and exhausting. It can also be okay. Remember the old adage that you "...have to kiss a lot of frogs..."? Well, the frog wants to make sure you're a good bet, too.

Go out, have a good time and interview each other.

Sunday, December 27, 2009

NEW BABY AND FAMILY RIFTS

A frustrated husband and father writes "We have been married for about 18 months and had our first daughter six months back in June.... For the two years my wife and I dated as well as the first year of our marriage, the four of us(my parents and us) got along incredibly well.... When we had our daughter,...my mother was a bit overbearing and inserted herself a bit much. This left a bad taste in my wife's mouth and damaged their relationship. Over the next several months my mom dialed things back...[but] my wife continues to find fault with most everything my parents do...she is interpreting every action as a slight against her and my parents way of getting back at her.... I desperately want all of us to have a happy life together, for she and my mom to have their relationship back and for my parents to enjoy their only grandchild and daughter-in-law."

Frustrated Husband and Father may not like it, but I suspect he's playing a bigger part in all this than he sees. His wife is just adjusting to the major role of parent, and he could be part of the problem. The focus now is on his parents and their actions, but the change he sees in their relationship with his spouse is linked to the even bigger changes in her life.

Think about it this way, being a parent--even when long desired--brings with it a whole lot of baggage. Particularly for women.

There's the difference in how she spends her time and the lack of sleep, but this (while difficult) is only part of the picture. Most women accept the majority of the emotional responsibility for their children--how they're cared for, what they need and want, how well they sleep, if they're "happy" babies, and on and on. This is why most mothers feel so entitled for big gifts and big hoopla with Mother's Day. Motherhood brings great expectations, both from society in general and from the mother herself.

So, here's the part Frustrated Father plays: Give the woman a break. She's dealing with the spoken and unspoken criticism of all the mothers she meets. Especially your mother.

There's also the possibility that she's diverting some of her overwhelmed distress from you to your mother. Most men these days feel pretty good about their parenting. They think they are involved fathers and do just as much of the parenting work as their mates, but statistics don't indicate that men are equally involved with women in caring for their children.

Women still carry the bigger load and part of this is because they themselves expect to "be the mom." Part of the disparity in parenting is also because men really don't see all that's required and still are glad to leave most of the work to moms. It's a pretty overwhelming expectation--accepting even 65% of the care for a newborn--and women don't usually stop all their other activities. This is all complicated by the interactions and expectations within the relationship.

Not only is Frustrated's wife dealing with new parenthood, she's still adjusting to their marriage. This is no small matter for most people. A new marriage ranks high on the list of life changes that lead to increased stress, as does the birth of a baby. There have been a lot of changes in this woman's life. If her new mother-in-law presumed some in the very beginning of parenthood, she might have painted a target on her back.

I recommend Frustrated do a serious self-inventory, asking himself if he's carrying as much of the new load as his wife and that he give the woman a break. If he continues his silent condemnation of her as the meanie who won't get along with his parents, he's missing his own part in these dynamics. Sure, she's probably unfair to his parents sometimes. But moving forward with this requires him to cut her some slack and get into the parenting trenches with her. He also needs to make sure that the two of them have time together and that the issues that come up between them are as openly addressed as he can manage.

Don't think I'm saying that this is all Frustrated's fault. It's not, but he has some responsibility for the situation, which gives him power.

I'm all for everyone feeling their power.