RELATIVES YOU LOVE...BUT DON'T LIKE

Holidays don't always bring out the best in families...no matter how hard you may try. This is the time of year when individuals often succumb to the "perfect family" goal. Furniture advertisements abound, as do flooring ads. At this time of year more than any other, we want our homes--and our families--to be perfect. The Norman Rockwell image of a loving multi-generation family gathered around a beautiful table upon which sits a golden turkey--it seems to capture what most want for the holiday season, if not what most have.

Of course, there are people who don't eat turkey for Christmas or don't celebrate the holiday at all, but the image continues to resound for a bunch of us. For most, it's easier to get the turkey, whether on the perfect table or not, than to have a warm, loving family moment.

Let's admit it--most individuals have relatives they love very much, but don't like. The relatives of adult children too often have the belief that they should always be able to comment on the relationship choices, childrearing practices or voting tendencies of those who grew up with them. I am assured over and over that they love these adult children, but they just won't keep their observations to themselves.

I realize how hard this is, particularly when you used to change these particular adults' diapers as babies. Trust me, you should just shut up.

Some individuals have grown up in families who didn't care for them physically or emotionally. Whether the child of an alcoholic or in a family where physical and sexual abuse took place, some biological relationships are harmful.

You can still long for it to be different.

Even if you haven't had to deal with abuse, you can have hostile, dysfunctional, unloving family interactions that leave you not liking relatives, even though you love them. Some families are not like the Cosby Show, where jokes abound and love is always the bottom line.

There are some situations when relatives are toxic.

This is a painful reality and never more so than during the season of supposed good cheer. Individuals often try to ignore relatives' bad behavior during this time of year. They tell themselves it's only for a few days and they struggle to shut out relatives, even when they have to tolerate bad behavior.

Some folks are creating "families" from groups of loving friends. This is a good option when biological family is harmful or extremely unpleasant. Despite what you see on the movies on The Hallmark Channel, sometimes relatives you love aren't people you like.