LOVE OR DESPERATION?

Being beautiful, skinny or rich doesn't guarantee relationship happiness. Hollywood hook-ups and break-ups show us this over and over. What we think will make us happily mated, doesn't always do so.

I saw a foster child in play therapy yesterday. On Fridays, my husband and I enjoy going together to do in-home therapy with foster kids. We both do this individually on other days, but on Fridays we make it a point to go together. (Foster kids are both lucky and unlucky. They are cared for in loving homes that are not their own--but they aren't with their own parents...lucky and unlucky.)

This Friday, I happened to be exiting a child's bedroom after her session when Roger was passing into another child's room. As we were going down the stairs, my client innocently asked me why Roger has no hair on back part of his head.

Roger has male pattern balding and he hates it.

When we met in high school, my husband had a thick, luxuriant head of hair. It was the seventies. Guys wore long hair as a rebellion and a fashion statement. Roger had a mustache and chest hair, even in high school. Hair wasn't a problem for him then and it's something of a sorrow for him that he's losing it now.

But I don't care--I mean I care that he cares, but his bald spot doesn't diminish his attractiveness to me one bit. Not even a little. This is not because I'm tremendously wonderful or saintly. I just happen to feel loved by my husband. I experience being valued by him everyday. This matters a whole lot more than hair.

Relationship happiness is a sometimes elusive goal for most of us. Feeling loved is a great reason to be in a relationship..... Feeling desperate isn't.

Too often when individuals sit in my office, talking about their unhappiness in their marriage or with the person they're dating, they say they would leave--but they don't want to be alone. Although an individual recently posted a message on this blog, accusing me of not believing in marriage, I think relationships are tremendously important. Whether you're married or cohabitating, having a significant other is really significant. I've been married for thirty-two years. Not all of these were blissful, but we learned a heck of a lot.

In a healthy, working relationship, you learn a lot about yourself. This is a big part of the gift of love. Research tells us that being in a relationship adds to your physical health and contributes to you living longer. Together can be really good for you when you're happy, but there is a strong tendency to stay in relationships for another reason....people are afraid to be alone.

Some things about not having a partner do suck. You go to parties alone, you don't have anyone to warm your feet in bed on cold nights. You don't have a sexual default.

But staying in an unresolved, contentious relationship where you no longer enjoy or have respect for your partner isn't good for you. (It isn't good for your kids either, but that's another topic.) It makes a lot of sense to take a good, hard look at how you can resolve the issues in your relationship. You need to learn what you're contributing to the mess. You need to work on changing your behaviors that aren't healthy.

And you may need to leave.

It's just a sad reality that unresolved conflict leads to the death of whatever love was originally in the relationship. It may be over. You may be done.

If this is the case, you need to move on. Staying because you don't want to be alone isn't good enough. Lots of people hate being alone. They don't like not having someone at their side in the mall. They want a bookend. While being alone may not be the ideal state for an adult, it's better than getting into or staying in a relationship just to avoid being alone.

When you're trying to make a in-or-out relationship decision and you find yourself wavering, ask whether this is love or desperation. Being so afraid of living on your own indicates a lack of belief in yourself. And I'm going to say that this is largely inaccurate.... You are way more capable than you give yourself credit for.

When a relationship is a bad fit from the start--different values or too similar a personal outlook--you're better off being alone.

Being in love is good. Being in desperation is bad. Don't let this lead you in the wrong direction.