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Monday, October 29, 2007

Sex: Hormones and Hope

Done right, sex feels good, but have you ever woken up the next morning and wondered what you were thinking? The truth is you probably weren't thinking.

There are some good reasons for engaging in sexual activity. The triad of hormones, relationship and potential fun is the best scenario. We won't address the fun issue here. If you're not having fun when you're having sex, some serious thought needs to be given as to 1.) why you are having sex, and 2.) why you're not having fun when you're having it.

Lots of people find the experience of sex in a relationship to be complicated by the relationship part. They tend to seek disconnected sex and, while that has it's own challenges, we also aren't talking here about deliberately disconnected sex.

So, let's get to emotions and sex: sex when you feel like it, sex pretty much without thought.

Don't.

Many individuals really want a relationship. Lots of these folks are also doing the horizontal mambo with various people upon first acquaintance. You can't, however, create a relationship out of hormones and wishes. Relationships grow when two people know one another and we can't place too much emphasis on the word know. If the big five conflicts in relationships are money, sex, children, in-laws and religion, then you need to know how a possible mate actually believes in these areas.

This is not something you find out in the first two hours of an acquaintance, or in the first two weeks, no matter how much time you spend on the phone. There are people--both men and women--who struggle with the emotional complexities of relationships. For them, doing "the deed" is a pretty good approximation. If you can't develop a relationship, you can tell yourself that you're looking for a mate. Part of the search, you say, involves diving into a sexual interchange. And you're always attracted to the person--you like them to some degree--or you wouldn't be having sex.

But is this individual, with whom you're hopefully wearing a condom, going to be a good parent? Going to share your financial plans or goals? Going to go to church with you, if that's something you care about? While condoms are a vital part of today's sexual landscape, their existence underscores the reality that folks are having sex with strangers. You don't know your partner most of the time.

And don't kid yourself…you won't know that person after three or six dates. Knowing takes some time.

You can rack up quite a sexual history if you have sex with every potential mate. Delaying sexual gratification has some merit.

Don't have sex just because you feel like it. Feeling sexually attracted is a good thing--a really good thing--but attraction is a lousy foundation for a future. Before you whip off your clothes or whip out your equipment, know the other person. Make a decision to be sexual and make it with your priorities in mind.