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I would see messages on his phone from other girls...[but] I never really thought he would sleep with anybody [else] and he says he never did. I just recently found a picture in his Sent Picture message box on his phone of his erect penis, sent to a phone number in Arkansas back in March. He no longer has contact with this girl, but it still feels like he cheated on me. Is it cheating if he never actually slept with her? And how can I trust what he says when he claims he never slept with anybody?
I also found a string of messages he shared with a girl in one of his school classes. She said to him that she knew his Facebook status listed him as being in a relationship, but she thought she would throw her phone number out there and he could run with it. He responded by saying 'Oh, I'll run with it'. Then he asked if she wanted 'real pics, like XXX pics'.
I want to work this out, but I'm utterly heartbroken and I'm unsure if I will ever be able to believe a word he says now. And will I ever be able to be okay not looking at his phone every time a message comes in? Or wanting to read his Facebook conversations?"--Untrusting
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Dear Untrusting,
I'm sad to say you can't trust that he never slept with anybody else, no matter what he claims. Intimate verbal (and photographic) interaction is now acknowledged by experts as emotional cheating. Even if he never got naked with her in the same room, he cheated.
Now what? You're having a child by this guy and I'm sure you'd like to believe that everything is hunky dory, but your boyfriend's actions make it pretty clear that he's troubled. Whether or not this is directly related to his PTSD, I can't say, but I strongly recommend he get treatment for the stress and trauma of prolonged combat. He deserves this.
I totally agree that you don't want to spend your life checking his phone and his Facebook messages. This is not a way to live.
I strongly recommend you get counseling if you decide to continue with this relationship. Infidelity leaves gaping wounds. The problems in the relationship need big work, if the two of you have a future together. You deserve this, as does your unborn child.
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Should you lie for your Ex?
Although loving parents often want to shield their children from harsh realities, think carefully about the lies you tell your kids. Sooner or later your children will get the big picture and they'll remember your deceit. Even the Santa Claus lie has backfired on some parents.
Of course, in this case you're lying to your kids to protect them, but think about the underlying message--are you meaning to say that your children aren't capable of dealing with reality? It's totally understandable that you love your kids and you want them to feel special and loved(even if your Ex is a jerk), but think carefully before assuring your children that their other parent loves them.
While this sounds harmless and surely true, many parents find themselves assuring their tykes that "mommy's at work and couldn't come" (or "daddy will take you for visitation as soon as he can") when this isn't true at all. You may wish it were true and you may hope that your ex will straighten up and be the parent your child deserves, but your wishes won't make this come true.
With the hope of easing their children's lives, some parents out-and-out lie for their ex's. Stop this. You're not helping anyone if you block your children from realizing what their other parent does or doesn't do.
Try to find a middle road. Don't lie to protect and don't dump your anger at your Ex on your children.
Be straight with your kids. There's benefit in talking angrily about the Ex in front of your child and you don't need to make the kid deal with ugly realities in the interest of honesty. Life will do the reality part for you. Just let it unfold. Don't make promises for other people; don't utter accusations or harsh condemnation...at least not where the child can hear.
When you allow your child--with your emotional support--to confront the truth, you're indicating a belief in the child's capacity; in his ability to handle life. We often struggled knowing what emotional support means, but often this involves just being there. Your love is conveyed by how you act, by your behavior, not by you bashing the other parent.
This is a very hard role because you're the one who comforts the child when he's crying because his dad didn't show again. You're there to see the distress; you feel it, too. It sucks that life isn't fair. Your kid deserves better and so do you.
