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Liz's boyfriend doesn't do anything for Valentine's Day except buy her a lame card from the grocery store and suggest they order pizza instead of her cooking. She cries every February. He's not that good at birthdays, either, always wanting her to tell him exactly what to get her. Whenever she dresses up, all he says is that she looks 'nice.' Maybe he just doesn't love her.
Or maybe he loves her a lot, but his love comes packaged differently. People tend to have their own personal styles for showing love. They can also want demonstrations of love that differ from the norm, but not everyone understands this. Not knowing how loved ones experience or expresse love is the often the root of misunderstandings in couples. Valentine's Day is one of the biggest times of the year for these couple conflicts. Some men trot down to the florist every year for the dozen red roses to be delivered at her work place. There are women who crowd Victoria's Secret for peek-a-boo lingerie their men couldn't care less about. Forget the package. Some men really just care about what's inside; men who toss aside the lingerie, hardly noticing these wisps in the heat of the moment. Believe it or not, there are women are disappointed as they lug home the same red roses every year from work. What makes a person feel loved isn't a one-size-fits-all deal.
If you're a traditionalist, you may not understand how anyone could not care about red roses and lingerie. You may, however, find the standard expressions of love all that moving. When it comes to showing or feeling loved, you may march to a different drummer. Not everyone shows love the same way. And what makes a person feel loved is very unique to the individual. You need to know what works for your loved one. You need to ask.
Just for grins, the next time the two of you are having a lovely dinner or taking a walk or are basking in post-coital afterglow, ask this question, "Tell me a time when you felt most loved by me." Now, your partner might cast you a wary look and ask what you mean, suspecting one of those relationship traps. You need to stress that you're really wanting to know. Ask him or her to tell you actual moments.
"Tell me a time when you felt most loved by me" can yield some really interesting responses. Your partner may have to ponder on this, so don't push for an immediate answer. But if he says he feels loved when you're nice to his mother(I've heard this one) or when you surprise him at work for lunch, listen. Different people really do have different triggers that say I Love You. Getting this kind of info helps you better target your expressions of love.
One day, Liz looked up at the visor in her car and realized Sam loved her.
The home they'd recently purchased had only one garage door opener. For some reason, she'd never noticed that her car was always the one parked in the garage. On that day, however, she got it. Sam had taken the garage door opener for access to the garage that day, so it hadn't been in her car. She was headed home late from work that same night, as usual, and there was the garage door opener...in her car. The only way it could have gotten there was for Sam to have gone to her work and placed the opener back in her car so she could drive safely into the garage that night.
Sam loved her--in a very active, caring, concerned way. He'd gone out of his way to return the garage door opener to her car. His love came in the form of actions more than flowery words.
You probably have your own style of showing love. We tend to do what makes us feel loved rather than speaking to our loved one in our loved one's particular language. No one's saying that you can't cook for her, if cooking feels special to you. She's got to eat. But it's important to convey to your loved one that you care what she wants. If you want her in the relationship with you, you have to factor her way of seeing things into your life. Get her roses every now and then, but also take her kayaking if that rings her bell.
And, yes, it's good if your style of feeling love gets considered in by your loved one, too. This goes both ways. After all, we want you both to feel loved.
