WHY DO THEY BATTER?

I recently came across a comment that lots of professionals weigh in on why people stay with partners who batter, but not many discuss why batters batter.

I'm not going to give you a diagnosis. These are offered up and folks latch on to them. Various labels are often thrown at each other in the manner of weapons. It doesn't help anyone. If you're in a physically or verbally abusive relationship, resist the urge to tell your mate what you think is wrong with him. It doesn't help in any way.

Battering behavior--hitting or physically assaulting your mate--can come from several places, but almost always, people hit when they struggle to better communicate whatever is going on with them. They will almost always say the victim wasn't listening or wouldn't listen any other way.

Like getting struck by the person you love makes you want to listen harder.

Although it may be difficult to understand, individuals who hurt others almost always feel justified in doing this. They don't feel powerful or strong or terrific about themselves. They almost always feel that the victim has in some way hurt them.

I'm not saying this is rational or that there is ever any reason to hit, shove or hurt another person. Not only does no one have this right, it just doesn't work to make things better.

Even in the most extreme situations, those who do horrific things have convinced themselves that there is no other option, no other way to get what they want/need. Afterwards, as victims are dealing with whatever injuries were inflicted on them, the one who struck out violently feels terrible. Some apologize profusely, others defend themselves by telling the victim they asked for it.

When the murderer Jeffrey Dahmer spoke of his crimes, he talked of doing unspeakable things to get the victims to stay with him.

Who hasn't struggled with loss, fear and anger in relationships? We've all felt hurt and most of us have struck out against the ones we loved with whom we were struggling--hopefully not struck out physically, but sometimes horrible words are said.

People who batter--both men and women--need better tools to deal with relationship issues. They need to learn effective communication. The term can sound ridiculous in this context, but learning to express and to listen to others can give individuals tremendous personal power. This is what those who hit need--personal power.

They also need to learn they can survive relationship loss. This hurts and it can leave us feeling bereft to the point of struggling to go on, but we have the capacity to deal with loss without demolishing ourselves or hurting others.l