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Fighting all the time? The "good" times are really good, but the "bad" times are starting to make you wonder if you should leave? Contrary to our wishful thinking, good marriages aren't easy, but require a lot of work. Personal work. If you're not working on you, then the relationship is probably not good for you. It's easy to tell your mate what he should change. That's so clear it's glaring. Focusing on your own struggles--the moments when you do or say stupid things? That's harder.
Now, this is not to say your partner doesn't have some of her own work to do. The cliche that "Marriage is a two-way street" got to be a cliche because it's so true! Both of you are contributing to the frustrations. Both of you need to see what you can change in your own function.
In reality, marital issues start early. In therapy, couples in trouble can often track their issues back to the beginning of the relationship. Yet, here they are two, ten or twenty-five years later, having to deal with problems they'd just hoped would go away. Problems in relationships, however, don't just evaporate. This is perhaps the real reason to deal with relationship issues early, before it gets too complicated and way uglier. Delaying dealing with conflict wears away your affection for one another and just makes the problems bigger. It's no fun to talk about our conflicts, but there can be significant pay-offs to biting the bullet and addressing the hard problems now.
The one piece of advice married couples in trouble wish they'd heeded before they got married is the recommendations from friends and family to work out the significant issues before you get in too deep. Certainly, you need to do it before you plan a wedding.
A good marital union maybe rare, but it certainly isn't impossible. The best relationships are not easy, however. Here are some requirements to making it work:
1. A relationship in which you and your partner support one another in your endeavors is a must-have for future happiness. If developing a career in rocket science is your dream, your partner needs to behave--to act!--in a manner which supports this. Going to school for the long haul doesn't fit well with a spendthrift lifestyle.
2. Find a mate who really enjoys you. This may seem obvious, but many people marry individuals whom they don't really enjoy. There are other rewards in the relationship that may override this, but not generally healthy ones. Enjoyment of one another helps get you through the challenging moments that are part of personal growth. It's important to point out that laughter alone doesn't make for a life commitment, but it can definitely help.
3. Only invest in a relationship that fosters your best
qualities. Does he want you to drop out of school so you can travel with him more? Is she happiest when you have no relationship with your family? If a relationship brings out the worst in you, then you need to get out and find a good therapist to help you understand what attracted you to this, in the first place. Some relationships have bad personal choices as a foundation and will bring you nothing but unhappiness.
4. Shared values are a bedrock to enduring relationship
happiness. The five areas of biggest conflict in a
relationship--money, sex, children, in-laws and religion--are frequently based on values. Every relationship has conflict. It's part of life, but resolving conflicts is a heck of a lot easier if you and your mate have the same values. How your handle money is likely to bring some of the biggest conflicts. If one of you values financial stability and the other finds the idea of filing for bankruptcy acceptable...the relationship doesn't have a good prognosis.
You may be anal about being on time while he thinks appointments are just "approximate" times. He may be able to express his feelings at the drop of a hat while you'd rather visit the dentist than have one of those emotional conversations. Different personalities make for balanced relationships. Yes, there are conflicts, but you'll have the
ingredients to work them out. It can be very functional to have different perspectives, but you need to want the same basic kind of life.
People divorce over a variety of reasons. Sometimes, you have major conflict-resolution issues that have slowly corroded the love in the relationship. Sometimes, significant values are trampled. Marriage is a challenging, difficult, intriguing experience. Make sure you give yours a real shot. It's important to note---if you're not already married, start seriously working now on the issues in the relationship.
If you've already taken the plunge, you really need to start dealing with issues. It only gets uglier and harder if you wait.