YOU DON'T GET TO TELL YOUR EX

Divorce is tough on kids, but parents who are divorcing get a real shock, too. While you might not think about this while you're dealing with property settlements and child support, you need to realize that co-parenting with a divorced parent isn't the same as co-parenting with a mate with whom you're still involved.

The break-up period can be really confusing. First, you have the challenge of coming to terms with the fact that the two of you aren't going to make it. There may have been some back-and-forth to this, with one or both of you changing your minds several times about whether things are bad enough to warrant severing the relationship. This can be exhausting. You don't always hate your ex; there was a time when you loved(and liked) her. Most people don't wish their ex dead, so separating can be difficult.

You've probably heard the maxim that once you've had children together, the other person will always been in your life. This is true, at least while the kids are minors. When they reach adulthood, things generally get easier, holidays and weddings aside. This isn't true when the children are young, though. To some degree, you'll have to interact. Some people get very creative with texting and email, never actually speaking to their ex-partners.

A reality of divorcing or breaking-up when you have kids together is that you have to let go of most input into how the other parent does her job. You have a legal say in matters of health and education, but beyond that, you usually don't get to say squat. It may seem like you should be able to say who she should(or shouldn't) date or at the least who should (or shouldn't) be around your kids.

You don't.

You usually don't get to tell you ex who sleeps over or who keeps your kids when your ex isn't there. You also don't get to tell your ex how to discipline or what pets they keep or how much they drink when the kids are with her. In some parts of the country, you may get a legal injunction against your mate having dates sleep-over, but you don't get to say who she marries. Most counties don't even have much to say about the sleep-over issue. You don't have a vote about your ex-wife embraceing a new religion--or leaving the one you've raised the kids in. She can get wild and go out every weekend. You can't make her live like you want.

All this may seem wrong. After all these are your kids, too. But the hard cold reality is that she doesn't get to tell you how to parent and you don't get to tell her how to parent. She may be lenient when you think the kids need her to follow-through or you might think she's too hard on them.

You have opinions about all of this, but you don't get to vote.

You have legal rights, of course. Depending on the divorce decree, she'll probably have to live within a certain distance of your residence. But you don't get to tell her whether she can spank or not; whether she should drink and stay out all night(as long as a responsible person is with the kids) or whether she "dates" a guy who's in prison.

Divorce or breaking up with your co-parent automatically puts all your parenting on another level. But staying together for the kids is only good when you can resolve your couple problems and get back on track. Your kids don't want you together if you're fighting constantly and unhappy all the time. They'll be unhappy, too.

If you do split, make sure you know what this means in regards to parenting choices.