MISERABLY MARRIED

Jumping out of a marriage when the going gets rough isn't always the best choice--let's be honest, there are challenging moments in all relationships--but there are a lot a foolish reasons to stay if the marriage is consistently unhappy.

Bad Reason For Staying #1:

The reason most people give for not divorcing(when they want to divorce) is that they're keeping it together for the kids. What's best for your children is a very important consideration, but it's not as simple as it might seem. Your kids may get upset at the thought of you divorcing (and may have even begged you to promise that the two of you will never split up). That doesn't mean the marriage is not toxic for them. Consider this--the marriage and all it contains are the foundation for the family. If you two can't resolve your issues, it isn't good for anyone. If this marriage isn't good for you, it can't really be good for them. We're all connected. Think how you're effected by their troubles.

Financial considerations are usually involved when you think about divorce. Your style of living will probably change if you don't stay married, but unless divorce means no food in the kitchen, your children are still better off with you doing what you need to do. Don't stay in an unhappy marriage so your kids can "have the good things." Nice houses, nice clothes, nice cars--none of these make for a happy life. Kids who were raised with these falter all the time. Don't get confused about what your children need.

Staying in the marriage might not be the best choice, but learn what you need to learn when you leave. Divorce doesn't automatically make you happy, either.

Bad Reason for Staying #2

Believe it or not, there are still people who've grown up without divorce in their families. These individuals are generally proud of this and don't want to be the first in the family to divorce. While divorce can be a sad reality, the option to end a marriage hasn't always been available. Divorce has also been a social and financial negative for women historically. There are reasons--other than love--why grandparents and great-grandparents stayed together. Of course, there a marriages that endure because they are tremendously enriching. This is a great reason to stay married--even through the miserable moments--but staying when you're unhappy and can't get happy together is now a freedom you have.

Bad Reason for Staying #3

Some people struggle with the reality that it takes two to make a marriage. They feel a divorce is a personal failure when one person alone can't make a marriage strong. Some people stay in truly miserable, harmful relationships because they don't want to admit to defeat. Failure doesn't feel good, but (as discussed in other columns) it is a reality in life. Failure can help us learn if we resist the urge to beat ourselves over failure and work at objectively studying it. Relationships need to work; to benefit those in them. Some stay to acknowledging that the marriage isn't working.

If you're miserable in your marriage, there's work to be done. Whether you're staying in a bad situation because you don't want to prove others right (the ones who never thought it would work) or you're staying because you're afraid you'll never find anyone better, if you're miserable leaving might be your best option.

Don't be miserable in your marriage.