BULLYING...DO YOU CARE TOO MUCH?

Ask any teacher and they'll tell you that bullying is a growing problem in the school, so yes, you care. You don't want your kid picked on or harrassed. But bullying by definition refers to any overbearing person who intimidates individuals who are weaker or smaller.... This could describe your boss.

Individuals who use power to intimidate others exist through all age groups and in lots of different situations. If you're being bullied by a boss or superior of some sort--even teachers bully sometimes--your situation is complicated because you need something from this person. Continued employment or a grade to pass the course. These are situations in which you need careful consideration to choose your best response. You'll need to keep track of these events for a while, writing the incidents down, recording these with details that might validate them.

You can then resort to any recourse that is set up in the system--talk to your boss's boss or the school's hierarchy. These aren't great answers, but they can sometimes help.

If children are involved in this behavior, you as the adult should definitely talk to teachers and administration about protecting the bullied. This is their job and most are very, very concerned. They want to do everything they can to make sure students are safe and not traumatized.

I'm actually addressing this subject at the request of a teacher.

Bullying, however, by nature requires a smaller, weaker person. Because we are aware more of this problem, rules and statutes are being put into place that help rein in the bigger, meaner person. Still, it's important for the victim to realize the weak can work at being stronger. Learning to respond to this kind of thing successfully is an important part of life. Bullys tend to pick on those who have weak, victimized self-images. You can change this.

Don't think I'm blaming the victim, though. The person who terrorizes others is making choices. They get to be responsible for this.

In schools, particularly, individuals are bullied by reputation assault and this is fueled largely because kids and adolescents care a bunch about what others think of them. Kind of natural to the adolescent age group, but certainly not limited to them. Concern for others' opinion is a human thing. We want people to think well of us, but if we care too much about this and let our desire to be liked hold too much sway, we actually lose power. We give power away by letting the opinions of a sometimes select group, control our actions.

Any number of kids can tell of threatened reputation assault that they just walked away from. The most powerful action in this kind of situation may be a laugh--it has to be real enough to be convincing. If the intended victim doesn't give a flip what the bully plans to do, nothing really touches them.

In the case of physical assault or attack, of course, the strongest immediate response is recommended. TELL. Report this immediately. Don't hesistate or think this means you're weak. Don't tell yourself you can make friends with your tormentor. Report it.

Bullying is usually about wanting someone to like you or caring too much about them disliking you. Cases of individuals responding to this by killing themselves have hit the media repeatedly. After these tragedies, people are struck by how much the victim gave power to the bully. Even if bad things are posted on FaceBook and MySpace. Even if cyber-space is used in mean and hurtful ways, try to remember that this is just one reality...and it's not even the reality reality.

Life will go on and kids grow up to leave their youthful trauma-filled school days behind. You don't have to remain a victim...you need to care less.

TOO FRIENDLY WITH HER EX?

My girlfriend and I have been dating for a year now. She's been divorced for three years and I'm the first person she dated. She has three kids--ages 10, 8 and 6. Her ex is very much a part of the kids' lives, which is great. He gets the kids every other weekend. ...Since he doesn't have any family here, she invites him to all their family holidays and birthdays,...not just for the kids' birthday parties, but also hers and her brothers. Now, all this I can handle. [It's] a little weird, but whatever.

I met her kids five or six months after we started dating. Over time, I've started being around them more. ...Her daughter asked me if I was going to a fall festival with them. I said I hadn't been invited, but she then said her father was going. I later found out that my girlfriend's ex stays at her place on Christmas Eve so he can be there in the morning when they wake up. He only lives fifteen minutes away. I wasn't happy about all this, but didn't say anything.

My girlfriend has invited me to go skiing with her and her family this winter. It turns out that her ex is going, too, and has even been the one booking the rooms. My girlfriend didn't talk to me about this. I was talking to her dad and he mentioned it. I've talked with her about this, mentioning that it's a difficult situation [for me]. My biggest problem is that she doesn't see why I get upset and she won't even try to understand where I'm coming from.

Now, we don't display much affection to each other. Maybe a hug goodbye. Her middle daughter has made comments that she doesn't like me near her mom because I'm not her dad. I understand that it's natural for kids to want their parents to be together, but isn't all this kind of confusing to the kids?--Dating Her and Her Ex

* * *

Dear Dating,

Sounds like you're confused about her feelings, too.

Yes, I think exs spending holidays together, going on vacations together and acting like friends can be confusing to kids, although this is better than them having a hostile relationship. The bigger issue here, however, is that you're not sure of your position with your girlfriend. If she won't clear this up for you, the two of you don't have much future. Whether or not the ex is around, you need to be first in her affections or get gone.

#

My sister, who is 15 years older than me, has become a burden and I'm beginning to resent her. She's been a tremendous help to me, so needless to say, I'm feeling very guilty. She's a very passive-aggressive person and has made choices in her life that have led to her being completely alone with no husband, no kids and no friends.

Seventeen years ago, when my husband and I wanted to buy a house, we asked my sister to go in [with us] on the purchase of our house. We needed help and she had some money she wanted to invest. We also thought it was time she moved out of my parents' house. When we first entered into this agreement, it was fine. She was pretty active and took trips by herself or with my daughter. As the years have gone on, she has become a recluse. She doesn't go anywhere (except work) or do anything. She has started to insinuate herself into our lives. In February, she was diagnosed with Parkinson's Disease. She lost her job and now just sits in our family room for ten hours a day, watching television.

...When her disease progresses, we will have to discuss her going to a facility as our house is not conducive to having someone disabled living here. Here's the thing, ...when we entered into this agreement, we didn't expect this is how it would turn out... My husband and I have been married for almost 19 years and have never been alone in our home. I feel she expects me to take care of her, but it's not in my make-up to do that. Financially, it's out of the realm of possibility. I can't quit my job or take a leave for this.

I'm torn...I don't know how to handle this. I'm in the middle. My siblings are all older than me, the youngest. They know of her situation and her illness, but they don't get involved at all. They haven't even picked up the phone to see how she's doing. In three to five years, my husband will be retiring and we want to sell the house. At this time, my sister will need to make other arrangements, but how do I tell her without sounding like an awful person? My husband and I are looking forward to finally having some alone-time in our marriage. Please help!!! How do I handle this situation?"--Miserable in California

* * *

Dear Miserable,

Here's what you do--sell the house and split the proceeds with your sister, according to the percent she invested. You mentioned her investing in your home. Investments yield dividends. You may not make money on the sale of the house, but whatever you get should be split with your sister, if this was really an investment for her.

If she gave you the money for the house with the understanding that you'd take care of her the rest of her life, your changing your mind will understandably be upsetting to her.

I get that you don't want to sound awful when you talk to her, but don't expect her to be happy about any of this. When you and your husband took her money and cohabited with her for all these years, some assumptions were made--even if you had no clear agreement to care for her--and these persist now. She sees herself as part of your household (she has been) and expects to be cared for as such.

You speak about this being "your home", but it's her home, too. Both legally and emotionally.

What you're doing now, is planning to end a partnership. Don't expect her to be happy about this, particularly not with her disease limiting her health. You certainly have a right not to be her caretaker--not everyone is cut out for this. But you need to get clear about the finances. Sell the house and let her use the funds to provide for herself.

#

Transitions can be really, really scary, even if these are long planned for and dreamed of. Kids graduating from high school and heading off to college can be totally freaked out, even though they're eager to finish high school and get out on their own. Just think about all the transitions in your life. Even the birth of a baby who's conception was a dream can leave the parents with depression and anxiety. It's a big, dang change.

But change can be exciting and scary. Recognizing these emotions as natural can help you progress forward. Going from kid-focused to kid-free when the children move away from home has long been recognized as potentially traumatizing for parents--it's even got a cute name, the Empty Nest Syndrome. Lots of anxiety and depression comes with the change for some people, but they want their kids to move forward and are looking ahead to a less care-giving life themselves.

Those who marry, those who divorce. Even when the death of an elderly, infirm parent can leave you dealing with many emotions. You may be relieved that your loved one is out of pain, but suddenly you're an orphan.

It's important to recognize that transitions bring lots of emotions and they don't all feel good. The kid going off to college or moving out on his own may worry about making it as an adult. Grown-ups who've been very child-focused may not know what to do with their extra time when there's no kid at home anymore.

Transitions can be both good and bad. Sometimes they feel both ways. Give yourself some time...and if the bad feelings continue, talk to a therapist. Some roads are rough and it's nice to have someone along for the ride.

IT'S NOT ABOUT HER.....

"I've been with this guy for twelve years. We have two kids together and one on the way. For the past two years, we've been having problems, mostly financial and dealing with me going to school. Once I got into school and started meeting people to study with or get help with my homework, he felt left out and he's been seeing another woman. When I found out, I started hanging more with my guy friends. He was then mad and jealous and wanted us to work things out. His other woman, though, has never left the picture.

I feel like she's doing this because she's not used to being rejected. Both he and I have told her we're going to work on us. I texted her, telling her she can't call me, telling her I'm having his baby and, even lying and saying we're getting married.

This man has never left the house and I know we were both wrong, but how can we get past all this and move on? Is it just lost and I should just walk away?

We still have the best time together. He's with me every day. He cries and is hurt when I say maybe me and the kids should just disappear. He then goes into a depression, not talking and sleeping all day for two or three days. Now, the other woman is supposed to be having his baby. She doesn't seem to care that he doesn't love her. If he did, why is he here with me and not taking care of her? I don't know if this is a game to her or what. I'm so mixed up and have so many emotions. I feel lost and helpless to figure out what's right and wrong. Do I follow my heart or do I follow my mind? I know you have a lot to do, but I really need some advice."--Lost in Love

* * *

Dear Lost,

What's your mind telling you? Do you think you ought to leave him, but you're worried about what his depressed self will do? The problem here isn't the other woman, it's the relationship you have (or don't have) with the father of your children. He may be hanging around you now, and having the best time with you, but not so long ago he was boinking and impregnating another woman. And he was doing this because he felt left out that you were going to school and spending time studying?

When he first stepped out on you, you went the tit for tat route and started hanging out with other guys. Very understandable, but it doesn't solve any problems. You say that the other woman doesn't handle rejection well, but I'm not clear on whether or not he's actually told her to take a hike.

Maybe he hasn't rejected her, at all. On top of that, she's now supposed to be pregnant with his child. (That makes four kids. Someone needs to introduce this guy to a condom.) And he's all depressed because he may lose the woman he cheated on? Never mind the other woman who's also now pregnant with his child.

Also, why would you take this guy's kids and disappear? This sounds a little like you're threatening him. Both the kids and their dad deserve the opportunity to have a relationship, even if he is a cheating jerk. If the other woman is actually pregnant, her child deserves a relationship and financial support from his father (No wonder the guy is depressed.)

You and your boyfriend can't just resume the relationship you had before he cheated. There were problems and these haven't been addressed. No one cheats in a happy relationship. You may have affection for him still, but he's got a mess to clean up before you can even think about putting things back together between the two of you. Healing after infidelity is possible, but only if you actually deal with the problems you had before he decided to have sex with the other woman.

Then, you have to decide if you want to stick with a guy who now has a responsibility for another woman's child, as well as your three. If ever there was a time to use your brain, rather than your heart, this is it. You may love him and care for him, but that doesn't fit with just ignoring the things he's done or the issues between you. Love actually encourages the loved one to deal with their issues, not just hope they go away.

In my book, Should I Leave Him? specific suggestions are offered to help individuals deal with this kind of dilemma.

~ # ~

If you've been the victim of sexual or physical abuse, the hardest and most important thing to do is to Forgive Yourself. Victims tend to be acutely conscious of what they've done to deserve their abuse. Those on the outside know that nothing you've ever done means you deserved this. Nothing. But this is very hard for victims to accept.

Young children naturally see the world from their own limited viewpoint and they think this must have happened to them because of something they did. Even young kids worry about having somehow been provocative. We all want power in own lives. This is natural, but sometimes random crap happens. Things you didn't ask for.

Whether you were abused as a child or assaulted in a date rape, you didn't deserve this. No matter what. No matter how sexy you dressed or acted, you still get to choose when you have sex and young children don't have the emotional or mental capacity to make this choice. Forgiving yourself can be the hardest step in the recovery process.

You deserve better than this. Better than being assaulted, better than being abused. No matter how lame you might be or what mistakes you may have made, you didn't deserve this.

YOU DESERVE BETTER THAN DEPRESSION

"I'm barely 20 years old, and I feel like the last seven years of my life have been dedicated to depression and other issues. My life is a huge cycle of eating disorders, drugs, depression and finally a period of carelessness. I feel like lately I've dug myself even deeper into this hole, and I can't pretend anymore. I literally have to excuse myself at times because I get a random need to cry and it's impossible for me to hold back my tears.

My feelings used to involve anger and, like I mentioned at some point, pure carelessness, but lately I feel absolutely nothing, but sadness. Suicide has never crossed my mind. My sister has attempted it in the past and I just couldn't put my family through that again. No one knows about my problems, or at least no one has ever really said anything. But I can't keep hiding, not do I want to. I can't continue to live my life in the dark. What can I do to help myself?"--Sad and Scared

#

Dear Sad,

Okay, this may seem like the wrong question, but why are you hiding this from your family? I don't want you to continue this way, either. You deserve much, much better. You may be an adult now--just having turned twenty--but you've been dealing with this alone for seven years? You talk about not wanting to put your family through the trauma associated with a child attempting suicide and I'm all for you not attempting to hurt yourself further, but why has no one noticed the eating disorders, the drugs and depression.

You need to get a big sign and wave it in front of your parents--I Need Help!!

Sometimes kids keep their problems a secret because they think their parents don't care, but more often kids hide their own stresses because they think parents are already overwhelmed with their own issues. If this is the case, you might feel you need to find help on your own. You might even be trying to carry the load for your troubled sister or your parents. Either way, you need and deserve someone to help you.

If you're insured, find your list of covered providers and immediately start calling for an appointment. The holidays are fraught with people desperately trying to feel what they don't feel. They cancel appointments with therapists or call with great unhappiness. This is the moment for you to make an appointment. If you don't have insurance, many caring providers and agencies offer a sliding scale fee that's adjusted to your income.

Don't wait any longer. Don't tell yourself to just "get over it". You don't have to feel this way. Find a therapist to understand your feelings and help you find ways to crawl out of this nightmare.

#

This is the time of year when Guilt is mixed in with the gift-giving and party-going. Whether you feel you should (but don't) like relatives because they share the same blood or whether you tend to buy expensive gifts because you feel you ought, guilt is not a good enough reason to do any of this.

The holidays come with high expectations. You may feel pressured to make others happy or to act happy when you're not or to hang around people you really don't like. You may even feel relieved when January second rolls around because then, at least, you don't have to pretend affections you don't feel.

Others may have called you a Scrooge...you may fear that you are one.

I'm going to suggest something really shocking--don't spend time with people you don't like, even if your parents or siblings fit this description. Don't buy gifts for people you don't like (unless this will have major job consequences that you're not ready for). Don't go places you don't want to go, celebrate with people you don't care about or pretend feelings you don't have.

If anything, this season is supposed to be about honesty.

Be with those you love. Guilt isn't a good enough reason to spend your life hating your life.

LOST THE FAMILY LYNCH PIN

"I am the youngest of three siblings. My brother is seven years older than me and my sister is twelve years older. Our father passed away eight years ago and we were a close family when he was around. He was the one who brought everyone together for family functions and holidays. Since his passing, my brother has taken over the family business and has poured himself into running it. He is rather clueless when it comes to what is going on around him and within our family. My sister resents that he took over the business. She wanted it sold. There is tension between them because of this. My sister lives several states away and is so busy she barely makes time to come home to visit. My brother won't make any effort to see her because he feels like we aren't that important to her. As the youngest, I am stuck in the middle. It hurts that I don't get to see my sister often, as she frequently cancels planned visits. It also hurts that my brother resents my sister and her husband and feels like they don't care about us. I would just like to know what to do to bring my family back together. Being the youngest, they don't listen to me, so talking to them about this is hard. Any advice would be helpful."--Lack of Sibling Communication



Dear Lack,



Some families disband after the loss of a parent and this can be distressing or relieving, depending on your experience. The family business issue is just another version of fighting over an inheritance. I understand your mourning of this. It is like you've lost the connected family experience. The sad fact if that you cannot make your siblings get straight with one another. They are in charge of their own behavior and they get to decide whether or not to heal this breach.



You can, however, maintain a connection with each of them--not as a bridge--but because they're important to you. You can't scold them like children and force them to kiss after fighting (not that this really works with kids, either). If your interaction with your sister is strained by her "busy-ness", make efforts for getting together and don't act out of your hurt. You need to step back and accept the level of interaction she's offering. Don't always expect her to come to you. Go to where she lives and plan this visit when she says she's more likely to have some time to spend with you.



Family interaction isn't automatic or simple. She and your brother have to resolve--or not--their issues themselves. Even if you weren't the youngest, you can't fix this for them.

* * *

"My son will be getting married early next year. My husband and I don't have a bad relationship with him or his fiance (so far). They have been living together for two years and seemed fine. Now that they are getting married, we invited her and her family for a dinner. We wanted to celebrate and talk about the arrangements of the wedding ceremony and offer any contribution to the wedding. We were told that they don't want any type of contribution (not even gifts) and that we are not supposed to invite anyone.

It was very clear that they are paying for everything, they are in control of everything and we don't have anything to do with the matter. We felt very hurt, just shutting up and swallowed this because we didn't want to create conflict. But we also don't feel comfortable attending the wedding either, since the mother of the bride made it clear that she is paying $120.00 for each guest to be at the reception. We even feel that we are costing her $240.00 dollars.

We still didn't get to talk to our son after the meeting and we don't really know how to approach the situation. My son seems to be totally under their control. We are just surprised to find out that they are two control freaks. We don't know what to say or do. We definitely don't want to go to the wedding, but we don't know how to tell our son this."--Please Help

Dear Help,

There is no functional way to tell your son that you're so mad at his future in-laws, his future wife and him, that you won't even come to his wedding. Don't do this. Don't skip the wedding festivities and don't make snide comments to him, his soon-to-be wife or her family members.

I know this will be hard and that your burning to burst out with your grievances and the fact that you don't feel important. But take a step back, for a minute, and inhale a deep breath. Weddings are very emotional events and they don't tend to bring out the best in people (sadly).

Remind yourself that this is only one event; one day or week. Don't make this moment bigger than it is. If your son stays married to this girl, the wedding day will grow dim as they deal with the real life ups and downs of being a couple. If he and his bride truly don't want you to give them a gift, you might have a quiet, private conversation with him about what you want--that you'd like to contribute to their future in some way. It might be that the couple is older and financially well-established. They might be concerned about your financial state or they may feel that you've contributed a lot to him (them) already.

You're hearing the message "Butt out--We don't love you--We don't want anything from you--You're not important to us." They might not have meant any of this. You just don't know. Traditionally, the parents of the bride have footed the entire bill for the wedding, with the grooms parents paying for his and their wedding finery and for a rehearsal dinner. Lots of people are dispensing with this structure, having various reasons to change it up. Still, the bride's parents may feel that this is their gig, not yours.

Let them have it. Really, do you just want to lay out a lot of money for this occasion?

As far as the wedding guest list, you need to speak to your son. This is really his call. If you have family friends (not a massive list of your business associates and the people you want to show off to), you'd like there, tell your son this. It's his day, his celebration and his decision. You're probably very proud of him--and of her by extension--but this isn't primarily a brag-fest.

Lay low and don't throw any fits that will leave a stain on your relationship. Remember, they may have kids some day and you really don't want a lame fight making it awkward for you to build a relationship with your grandkids.

* * *

"I am facing a lot of family problems and I think I need some advice. My husband and I have a one and a half year old daughter. My main problem is that my husband is not as attached to me, but more with his mother and brothers. We are staying in a joint family arrangement. He has two brothers, who're staying in the same house with their wives and us. I think my husband is not thinking about me and our daughter. He is thinking more about his brothers and his mother. I don't know what to do. I am trying to change his attitude about this and I am in pressure...." --Waiting For Your Advice

Dear Waiting,

You didn't say if your husband acts in a loving or unloving way, but only that you're all living in a family home. Your husband's attachment to his mother and brothers is understandable and it wouldn't be good for anyone if this is broken. You cannot change his attitude. As many find out every day, changing a spouse's mind doesn't usually work. If, however, you believe your husband isn't loving or kind to you, you have (hopefully) the option to leave him. If doing this is a problem, ask your family to help.

If you love your husband and don't want to leave him--but just to change the living arrangements--you need to tell him that you love him and mention how much this housing situation is distressing you, stressing that it threatens your marriage. If he doesn't care how you feel or dismisses your concerns, he's not acting very loving and you might need to leave the relationship.

* * *

Remember that Thanksgiving is about more than food and football. Don't let the structure of getting together and stuffing your faces make you forget the purpose of this day. If ever there was a moment to remember what you're truly thankful for, this is it.

The experience of gratitude makes you healthier and happier. Even if your life has major challenges, you probably have some golden moments. Take some time and dwell on these.

It'll make you feel better and more blessed.

TELL HIM HE'S A GRANDFATHER?

One reader writes: "I got pregnant with my ex and he left me when I was four months along. ...He hasn't made any effort to see the baby and I haven't seen him since we broke up. [Now] I wonder if I should tell my ex's dad about the baby. He knew I was pregnant, but he's not seen the baby, either, and I feel that its my fault that he thinks I don't want him to see the baby. He hasn't made an effort to see the baby, either. I know where my baby's grandfather lives. Do you think I should go personally to his house and allow him to see the baby, so he can see that I have nothing against him?"

#

No, I don't think you should go to his house. You said flat out that he knew you were pregnant. If he wants to see his grandson, the ball is really in his court. While you may feel badly that your child doesn't have a father (or grandfather), you can't do anything about that. This sucks and you can hate it, but you can't change it. Parenting takes two willing people, (unless we're talking about child support).

Your son deserves to be taken care of and you can take steps to get him what he needs financially. He also deserves to be loved, but you sadly can't make his father or grandfather do this.

* * *

"I am a 38 year old Hungarian woman. Four years ago, I met my husband on the internet and fell in love. I left my whole life in Hungary, including my elderly parents, my brother and my friends. I came to the United States and we got married. We are happy.

I do not have any children, but my husband has a twelve year-old daughter. In Hungary, I had three teaching degrees and was very respected. I was eager and happy to meet my new step-daughter. I did many things to care for my husband and his child, but she never appreciated this and never accepted me...she is always against me, talks back to me and sasses me.... I got pregnant and then lost the baby. I have high blood sugar and blood pressure and [this gets worse] when she comes to visit. She never listens to me. She hates me and everything that is related to me.

She's always bored with us and never likes anything. I texted her mom, telling her some of this after a fight between the child and I, but she sent a message back that I was unreasonable and demanding with her child. I was shocked....I did not expect this.

When she is not in the home, I feel peaceful and calm. My husband goes and sees her every Wednesday and Saturday. This is better for me, but painful to my husband. I think they/we should go to a family therapist or psychologist. ...My husband and I still love each other very

much, but we argue a lot. What do you think?"

#

Step parenting is very difficult, but you need to understand that this child didn't ask for you in her life. She probably didn't get to vote about her parents divorcing. I'm not saying that she should have had a say-so about this, but don't expect her to like it, either.

I think this kid isn't ever going to like you. Maybe she wouldn't like anyone who was her father's new wife. I don't know. You need to quit trying to win her over. Let her be her father's problem and if she doesn't want to come to his house, he's the one to deal with that. You, on the other hand, need to remove yourself from this fight. You can't win it and you can't make everything nice between you all. Her mom's on her side because this is typically what moms do, they side with their kids.

Be the adult. Let her be a jerk, just don't be one yourself.

* * *

An Anonymous reader wrote, in response to the "Always A Cheater?" column:

"I'm the cheater. And I am so sorry, but not only am I sorry, I want to know what I can do to help the relationship heal. We had problems before, I know the cheating is all on me. I want to go to counseling. He doesn't. He left, but is coming back as friends and "parents" to "our girls"--my daughter and granddaughter. He says he doesn't want me or anyone, at this point, but we have a chance in the future. We have both said we aren't going to see anyone else. I'm not, I swear. I NEVER want to see the hurt in his eyes caused by me that I witnessed. Ever again. What can I do?"

#

Go to counseling yourself--by yourself, if necessary. You feel horrible about cheating, but stop telling yourself you are a horrible person. You're not. You messed up and made a bad choice.

Go to counseling and deal with your part of the issues that weren't addressed in the relationship before you cheated. Even if he doesn't want to go to therapy with you, you can benefit. You don't want to hurt him again, but you can't take all the relationship problems on yourself. He had some part of them. He didn't cheat, but he has some part of the issues. Let's let him have some power in this--power goes with responsibility. You can't have one without the other.

Learn what you need to learn and work hard on forgiving yourself.

* * *

As we approach the Thanksgiving season, it's important to remember what you're really grateful for. We tend to forget these things as we charge ahead in life, dealing with the daily issues. No life is perfect, but every life has some good parts.

Love yours and be thankful.

THE FAMILY YOU CHOOSE

We have a lot of mixed feelings about "family." Depending on the luck of the draw, for you family can mean a loving, supportive unit of people who look a lot like you....or it can be a code word for hell.

In the Western world, the end of the calendar year is a period traditionally loaded with family time. This can be really good or really bad, depending on your personal experience.

Although individuals tend to define family by biology--the people with whom you share DNA--dictionaries have a much wider view of the word. Family can be defined many ways, but in general it is a basic social unit. A group who share common interests, lifestyles and goals can feel like a family.

It's not always about biology, but many view their physical connections as carrying lots of emotional baggage. I hear all the time that individuals continue having contact with troublesome relatives because of this biology. When I ask about the continued contact with the difficult or harmful relative, I get "...because he's my brother" or "...because we're family", including the ever-popular "..because she's my mom!" This latter statement is always made in shocked tones, as if the individual is startled that I'd even ask the question.

What if your biological family isn't the Norman Rockwell version? It may be far, far from this. What then? You may have little incommon with your siblings and share no affection for them. It this is true, the holiday season usually brings difficult decisions.

Many individuals view biological relatives as a kind of existential anchor. The people who came before you. To some extent, we view ourselves as occupying a place in a line of relatives--we have a place there. There is then the tendency to see our interactions as years of investment. We think of what we owe our parents and grandparents like their care for you was a debt to which you agreed. Sometimes we struggle, feeling alone and naked in a cold world without some form of family interaction, even when our interactions with biological relatives are far from loving and nurturing.

There are "bad" families. My work with foster kids has shown me this. Yes, there are kids in foster care whose parents are just messed up themselves or who are scrambling to get their lives together, so they can care for their kids again. But there are also other situations--the sad, sad ones with children who've been abandoned or abused or both.

Biology doesn't equal love.

Unfortunately, those children of less-than-loving families can think their situations are about them...that they somehow deserve not to be loved. This is so far from the truth. No matter what we've done or not done, we still deserve love. Still, individuals struggled with the belief that "...if my own family doesn't love me, I must be a horrible person."

So not true.

Family can be a warm, supportive place, a shelter to which you run when you need to lick your wounds or a group of people who fiercely back you up. But this doesn't have to be biologically-based. Adopted children are often greatly loved. Chosen and loved.

Maybe it's time to let go of the biology-as-family definition and move instead to where we define family as those who love us--those who act loving toward us, not just say the word.

Maybe family is defined by what's in the heart.

* * *

Confidential to Ista:

You may think your wife is yelling and upset over nothing, but this isn't usually the case. She's mad about something. Your best bet is to try really hard to listen to what's upsetting her. Don't explain or defend yourself. Don't try to "correct" her. Doing these will just give her the impression that you're arguing. She may make statements that you think aren't true. You still need to hear what she feels, what's upsetting to her. After she tells you that you've heard whatever is upsetting her, then you get to tell her what's upsetting you. Only after you listen, though.

Much would be solved in relationships if we learned how to hear each other.

WALKING THE PARENT TIGHTROPE

Don't think having kids will sudden confer a personality transformation on you. You'll still be the same person and you'll have taken on one of the hardest jobs on this earth. Parenting has many rewards, but it's no cake walk.

First, you have to walk the careful line between abandonment and entitlement. You want to be there for your children--to give them love and devotion. Whether or not this was your experience growing up, you want this for your children. But can you give them too much? If the Big Depression left children growing up carefully watching their pennies for fear of having nothing, this era has raised an Entitlement generation.

The children growing up now--and those who are young adults--have been given toys and electronics at the drop of a hat. Heck, we give children who aren't having a birthday presents to keep them from feeling bad that the birthday child has presents. Something is seriously wrong here. Things are offered to adjust emotions and then, we expect kids to say no to drugs and alcohol and risky relationships that do the same--make the bad feelings temporarily go away.

Bad feelings aren't fun, but they aren't the end of the world, either.

Parents and grandparents pamper children and then get upset when the kids are demanding, bratty individuals who refuse to grow up and support themselves. In this scenario, when have kids ever been expected to care for themselves?

The opposite of entitled children are the kids who's parents have ceased to care for their emotional needs. Parenting is a gradual taking off of your supportive hands, kind of like when you were teaching your children to ride a bike. Then, you ran along-side the child, holding the bike up while he pedaled. As he found his balance, you began to withdraw your hold until you took your hand off completely...because he was riding on his own.

When learning to ride a bike, the kids might fall. Then, they learn the lesson of getting up, dusting themselves off and giving it another shot. Lots of moments like that in life.

Parents sometimes start off, though, lavishing attention and time on their young children, giving them an abundance of stuff and excuses for their misbehavior, only to stop doing more than putting a roof over their head when they reach more challenging ages. Just withdrawing when parenting gets hard, isn't taking your hands off the bike, it's withdrawal.

But doing the gradual thing requires you to be connected to and in tune with your children. It can be painful and difficult to watch them fail. We hurt when our loved ones fail, but letting them learn is so important. We tend to rescue for ourselves, not for them.

The most loving parenting involves giving kids a firm structure, within which kids are free to negotiate, if they want. Certain things are completely unacceptable--hurting others, destroying property--but some things can be discussed and given in moderation. It's a challenge to find the right balance at times, but the combination gives your kids a strong foundation upon to rest while they're growing up.

Be reasonable and consistent with structure; don't waffle. If you identify and follow through with consequences, they'll generally learn how to handle life. You have to believe in them, believe they can learn to do what's best for them. This is the best gift you can give your child. When you believe in the child's capacity--to cope, to grow, to handle the bumps of growing up--your child gets the message she's okay. That's a gift--I know you're going to be okay. I know you have what it takes. If you truly believe this about your child, you don't need to rescue him.

As parents, aren't we working out way out of our jobs? This is my belief about therapy, too. I'm working my way out of a job, helping clients learn what they need to move forward without me. This isn't a forever role. Neither is parenting. Like it or not, one day you won't be there for your kids. You want them to be strong and capable and successful people...even when you're no longer around.

ONCE A CHEATER?

Maybe there's more to this question than common knowledge suggests. Many people believe that cheating in a committed relationship is a personal flaw that cannot be changed. I think that's an over-simplification. Some individuals adhere to this belief, thinking they just need to shun those who've cheated and that the cheater will never change, but this can be simply an attempt to try and feel more secure. The story goes that you just need to leave a cheated-on relationship and move on to someone who won't betray you.

Only this isn't so easy. Cheaters don't come bar-coded for easy identification and, as difficult as it is to make happen, people do change. We're not born with a set of behaviors that we're just stuck with. We get to choose the actions that work for us and change the ones that don't.

All that being said, some people who cheat once, do cheat again. Others, though, never cheat again. If you're the betrayed party, you feel hurt and mad and you want assurances that you'll never be hurt again.

The reality is, however, even if you leave the cheater, you can't be assured that the next relationship won't go the same way.

If you've been betrayed and heart-wounded by infidelity, you need to do the difficult thing and learn whatever you can learn from the experience. This is brutally hard. When all you want to do is crawl off and lick your wounds--in between moments of coming back to beat your mate--it's very, very difficult to step-back enough to look at the problems in the relationship before the breach.

Just thinking about looking at these issues can seem like you're being blamed for your mate's bad behavior. This is never true. Cheating occurs when the main relationship is struggling, but the choice to get naked with someone other than the mate can only be the cheater's choice. This isn't ever anyone else's fault. Ever. If you've been betrayed, you may have been told that your mate wouldn't have stepped out on you if you had more sex with the mate, bitched less at him/her, didn't flirt with other people, et cetera, et cetera.

Even if your mate never told you the cheating was your fault, you may still wonder: Was it something I did? Nope, not your fault.

However, while the cheating can only be the choice of the cheater, the relationship between you and your mate is 50/50. You both contribute to whatever happens between you. While this may seem blaming, it's really not. Unless you cheated, the cheating isn't your fault. It is very important, though, that you see your part in the relationship. You are responsible for your behavior in the relationship. If you have no impact on your mate, we're saying you have no power. Having no power is scary and unacceptible.

So, you have half of this thing--not the cheating--but half of the relationship.

You need to see that you can make your life better. You need to see what you add to the problems, so you can change your actions. This is your power, so learn what you need to learn from your damaged relationship.

Once a cheater, always a cheater? Maybe. Maybe not. The relationship needs careful examination and you need to look at what you want. You get to decide whether you stay or go. No one gets to tell you what to do. Ever. Not your mother. Not your professional therapist. No one. This is your decision.

You may not have anything else to give this relationship. You may be done. Your call. Even if your partner is really, really sorry, even if there were problems in the relationship and you weren't always an angel. Still, your call. Go or stay.

Never be ashamed of staying, though, and working to see if anything can be resuscitated. Staying doesn't make you weak, stupid or foolish. If you stay, there's something in the relationship of value to you--you hope you can make it a great deal better. Stay and change things. Stay if you can actually see improvement.

Issues in relationship don't just go away and the cheater saying "Sorry, I'll never cheat again" doesn't fix the problems, but the problems might actually be worked through. Maybe.

Having cheated once doesn't guarantee that an individual will cheat again. But the only way to hope to achieve this is to address the problems, to find better ways to successfully deal with issues.

Stay and work on things or go. Make your choice based on what you need and on whether the issues in the relationship can be resolved.

SIBLING RUPTURE

Sibling relationships can go one of two ways--you can be stuck like glue to one another or feel as disconnected as scattered Legos. The home you grow up in has a big, big impact on this, but not necessarily in a specific direction. Children who grow up in terrible situations sometimes cling together as if they're bonded by Super-Glue. The opposite can be true, too. Horrible situations can pit children against one another and traumatize them in ways that make sibling connections deeply complicated.

To some individuals, sibling divisions are very troubling. They lose sleep over this, struggling to find ways to make the connection whole again. Others--for reasons that are unclear--never really make a connection in the first place.

It's hard to fathom the side you didn't grow up in. The very-connected siblings cannot understand the very-disconnected siblings and vice versa.

Sometimes siblings just choose very different lives and cannot bridge the gap or do not care to bridge it. Values separate individuals who share DNA just as they separate us all. If on the other hand, you have valued your sibling and now find that something divides you, careful examination is called for. Look at your own actions--at yourself. It's too easy to see what the other person should have done(or not done). The harder thing and the more valuable question is to ask yourself what you've contributed to the problems.

Sometimes parents--their last years, their demises or their wills--break open a fissure in sibling relationships. Sometimes, parents work very hard to bring siblings together to no avail. Parents have an impact, but the siblings get to decide how their relationships will be resolved.

Parent involvement in this situation can go either way or be totally irrelevant. (I think of the two, I'd rather be part of the problem. At least if you're part of the problem, you can work to fix your part of the mess. When the mess is nothing of your doing, there's not much you can change to make it better.)

The most important thing siblings can do, however, is that same loving act we can offer to all--respect the other person. Oh, I know that some choices made by others are deeply repugnant and leave you not wanting to associate with them. But most people aren't Dexter--and even he has a value system although very twisted. Most of us are seeking validation that means something to us. Pretty simple, really. What we value isn't necessarily what our neighbors value. Some people really respect the highly-educated. Others think education is a waste of time and money and value something different like wealth.

We want different things and sometimes different lives from our siblings.

The point is that barring those values that incorporate murder and mayhem, most of us are just trying to create lives that matter. If your siblings choose very, very different paths--different religions or no religion at all--acknowledge that person's right to seek that which is valuable. The trouble is that we too often view different as some kind of judgement about our own choices. Whether you're seeking a life in a seminary or you love the thrust-and-parry of the business world, someone else choosing a different life doesn't mean they think you're wrong in your choices.

Your siblings might have messed up pretty badly, but just as in other relationships, you can't change other individuals' choices or behaviors--only your own. If you have a ruptured relationship with a sibling, do your best to work on you and accept him/her.

Both can be hard.

MY TEACHER FROM THE PAST

I was always a drifty kid, prone to flashes of intelligence, but I was really bad at finishing my work. At least, that's how I remember it and, honestly, I don't remember a lot. The names of classmates, even as recently as college, are lost to me, mostly because I've always been pretty introverted and didn't know how to interact with the world.

And the past isn't greatly important to me. (Sorry FaceBook aficianadoes who avidly look for elementary schoolmates whose names they remember.)

I've forgotten most of my classmates and all but a few teachers. I have great respect for the teaching profession, not because anyone in particular took an interest in me and guided me toward my eventual field of focus, but because I've come to see this as important, hard work--teaching.

I saw this most clearly as I witnessed the folks who guided my children's footsteps at various points in academia, particularly the early teachers--the ones who gave them a foundation and helped them learn personal responsibility for school work. My children are both better scholars than I ever thought to be and I attribute this to their early teachers. They've had some great (and no so great) teachers through high school and college. Some of which were very helpful and important and some of which stunk.

As do many of us, I have a teacher who impacted me negatively and who left me cringing. I was too much of a pansy to even cause this woman any trouble in class. Ironically, this was an English teacher and I've forgotten her name, not because of my classroom trauma, but just because I don't focus a lot on the past. At least not the details, like her name. I remember the incident in which my teacher humiliated me, though. I remember it this way probably because I was a wuss. I should have blown her off or given her classroom-hell, not groveled in my skin.

I think she was stupid in what she said--an English teacher--who when walking the aisle between the desks before class, chose to criticize scornfully my choice of reading material. Yep, I had a book lying on my desk. Not a piece of classic literature, but a frothy light read. She felt it necessary to criticize this in front of my classmates. She was openly scornful. Now, you might wonder at why an English teacher didn't fall to her knees at this evidence, thankful that a high school student was reading for pleasure, but no. This wasn't her response and, at this point, I pity her--yes, a little scornfully--but I think she really missed an opportunity and I feel sad for her.

I continue to read all kinds of things for pleasure, but she lost me in that moment. (I'll bet that I now have a better vocabulary than does she.)

Like I said, I have a great respect for teachers. They work harder than we know, they deal with kids who're irritating and with parents who make them want to pull their hair out. They see the neglected kids and confiscate random electronics from the entitled kids.

Not an easy profession--teaching--but an extremely important one.

Now, to my other remembered teacher. Again, I don't have a clue what his name is. "Mr. Something-Or-Other." But this guy had a profound effect on me. I was part of the great experiment in the early seventies--one of many students who went to a new school with an Open Classroom format. Now, don't think I'm advocating for closed classrooms and ankle monitors for students, but this Open Classroom format allowed my sixth grade self to easily sneak away from my class. Which I did on a regular basis.

I spent many an hour in the girls' rest room giggling and talking with friends.

Toward the end of the school year, however, I had a day of reckoning. My male teacher sat me down and told me that, if I didn't finish the work I'd been neglecting, I wouldn't move on to seventh grade. Now, mind you, my academic goal has always been to get out of school. I was smart enough to know that failing a grade wasn't going to help this.

What I really respected about this teacher who's name I don't remember is that he stated the situation simply and directly. He didn't yell at me, didn't say I was stupid, didn't threaten to call my parents--he just told me the consequences of my choices. Do the work and pass. Don't do the work and repeat sixth grade,

I finished the work and passed.

He did me a big favor, that teacher and I've thought of him many times. I wish I remembered his name, so I could thank him personally, but I don't. In many ways, I'm an idiot. So, I'm taking this opportunity to tell those of you who dedicate your lives doing something I'd never do--Thank You. Thank you, Mr. Name-I-Can't-Remember-Teacher.

Thank you for leveling with me. For talking to me like I had a brain and could use it.

You made a difference in my life, even if I can't remember your name. Good karma is being sent your way and has been all the way through my grad school degrees. I appreciate you. I just hope you feel appreciated.

You made a big difference in one kid's life. I hope yours is good.

STEP-PARENT MISTAKE

Blending two families is a major task and there are pitfalls, but the biggest is when parents want their chosen mate to act as their children's father/mother. You as a parent get to decide if you're going to divorce. You also choose who you date or marry, but you can't make your kids love the same person you love. It's not automatic, no matter how many good qualities you think your chosen partner has or how many bad qualities your ex has.

First off, kids have to deal with the loyalty factor. No matter how bad a parent you think your ex is, he or she is still the biological parent. As such, your kid probably feels a strong loyalty to your ex, particularly with you now dating a newcomer (or worse yet, your kid's best friend's father or your kid's teacher). Even if your ex doesn't pay child support or regularly visit with your kid, the kids still going to feel the loyalty.

Don't try to fight this and don't try to tell the child the truth about your ex. It won't work and your child will just think you're making stuff up. (They have to make up their own minds their parents--you, too.)

So, what to do? If there's no way in hell that you could ever see yourself reconciling with the ex, now what? If you're not okay with taking a vow of celibacy for the rest of your life, you're going to have to deal the a step-parent situation.

Rule One--don't ask your new mate to be a parent to your kids. He/she isn't responsible to make sure the kids do their chores and should be giving out punishment. This isn't fair to either of them. Even if they got along okay with the girlfriend/boyfriend in the beginning, the kids aren't necessarily going to be happy about someone who isn't their parent telling them what to do. Kids are told what to do all the time. They're not happy about having someone new telling them to clean up their rooms.

This scenario isn't good for the step-parent, either. It puts them in the role of the bad-guy and keeps them there.

Rule Two--don't ask your kids to act like this is their biological parent. Just because you fell in love and decided to share your bed with someone new, don't expect them to fall for him/her, too. Even if the actual biological parent sucks, don't think you can just pick a different one now.

So, how do you step-parent? Who gets to decide how you're all going to live together?

Set up a two-level approach: There should be basic house rules that apply to everyone. That means his kids, your kids and, yes, even you adults have to abide by the rules. Things like--if you drop it, pick it up; if you mess it up, clean it up. Basic rules. Clean up your own area, pick up your own towels from the bathroom floor and never bring home a pet without talking about it.

These basic rules are enforced by both adults in the home--kind of a universal thing--but be careful that these apply to everyone. You and your mate have to follow these rules, as do visiting children from either/both spouses' previous relationship. Be fair, don't play favorites. It never works to have two sets of rules...if anyone is expected to clean up after themselves, then everyone does. In particular, don't start applying the rules to one kid, but not another. Or think you're exempt because you're the adult.

Everyone follows the basic rules.

Specific kid situations, however, should be handled by the biological parent. Any consistent issues or problem areas that involve illegal activities are the areas in which the real parent needs to step in.

There are two ways in which this structure is breeched--sadly both of the biggest infractions are made by the adults. If one of you needs to have the validation of being a "parent" and feel you should be obeyed at all times by kids to whom you were insignificant before, then you'll have a problem and the kids will resent you. Try to remember--I'm not the kids' parent, no reason why they should act like I'm important to them.

Truthfully, kids don't always act like their biological parents should have a say-so, why should they give you the time of day?

Problems can also come from childrens' biological parents (who've felt all alone in parenting and overwhelmed) wanting their new romantic partners to step-up and take some of the parenting load. They want the step-parent to make the kids behave and do their chores. They tell them to "be my kid's parent." Single parenting is very difficult. Heck, parenting with two parents is stressful, at times, but co-opting a step-parent to do the job for you just leads to problems.

Your mate feels thrust in the middle of an unwinnable war and your kids feel betrayed.

Wanting to blend your families is an understandable desire. You just want everyone to get along and, if you came through a challenging, difficult earlier marriage/relationship, you probably want happiness and peace now. Who doesn't?

But you have to allow your kids and your mate to get to know each other and when we're talking about the intimacy of parent, this can take quite awhile. Don't think you can thrust intimacy on to everyone and don't think you get to decide who either your kids or your mate is supposed to love. Kids have choices. They like some people and don't like others.

Just like you do.

BAD SEXUAL DECISIONS?

There are the girls on SEX AND THE CITY and a bunch of sleazy websites who choose sexual partners purely for the erotic buzz they think they'll get, but do you know why you make the sexual choices you do?

Why do you sleep with whoever you sleep with? Of course, "sleep with" is a code term for doing the nasty/getting down and dirty with/exchanging bodily fluids with or the more clinical term--having sexual intercourse with.

Let's not get into the Clinton/Lewinsky debate over what sexual relations are, okay?If an intimate part of your body touch someone else's mouth/hand/sexual part, let's call it sex.

Do you know why you have sex with whoever you're having sex? Sexual decisions are tremendously complicated. It's sometimes beyond our comprehension why we are attracted to the people to whom we're attracted, but we really need to explore this. Understanding what flips your switch will help you have less of the morning-after regret and a healthier life both physically and emotionally.

There is of course the very old school--"get married before messing around" approach. Individuals adhering to this see sex as part of an emotional and usually religious partnership. Parents who're freaked out by the thought of their kids making sexual decisions of any kind usually preach this mantra to their teens: marriage then sex. This was a very typical sexual decision making requirement in the days before divorce became so sadly common. It offered the semblance of security and permanence and chastity.

Not so much anymore.

While marriage is a commitment within which sex can be a very intense emotional connection, nowadays people strip down to their bare-nothings on hardly more than a handshake. There is the often quoted "three date" rule that states couples should get physically intimate after seeing each other three times. Lots of folks view this as a fairly cautious approach, since they don't go out three times with someone they're not interested in.

This is a silly viewpoint, in that you can't know a person within three dates. Don't fool yourself. No deep or serious connection can be forged in that short an acquaintance. You can feel a lot for another person after this duration of acquaintance, but you don't know them.

Still others, go home with interesting sexual partners upon the first meeting. Go clubbing and you'll see any number of people who do this. Making sexual decisions based on the tingling of private parts may seem like a good idea, but you need to really protect yourself--both sexually and otherwise--if this is your typical behavior. This is stranger sex at it's most up front. You didn't pull up a hook-up website; you went to a bar, downed a few appletinis to lower your inhibitions and went eeny-meeny-moe.

Whether you find a person to date through friends or your church or a dating website, you need to know why you make the sexual choices you make. Knowledge puts you in charge. I'm big-time into you being in charge of your own life. Self-knowledge is empowering. Scary, too, sometimes, but ultimately empowering.

Illegal situations aside, sex involves a decision. How do you decide who you get in bed with?

BEHAVIOR TRUMPS DNA

Before anyone accuses me of being anti-family, let me say that I think family is very important...but maybe not the most important thing, depending on your family.

Having loving supportive parents and siblings is a wonderful luck of the draw. Some people are fortunate enough to be born into families that encourage and add to their lives. Other individuals--through no fault of their own--are born into families with emotional issues or with chemical dependency problems. Sometimes the people to which you're biologically-connected are a burden or a threat to your personal sanity and safety. Luck of the draw.

This isn't a deserved thing.

We have a tendency, though, to think that our family situation is about us. It's true that you have a part in your relationships. Thank heavens, we get a say-so. Whether you are loving or mean to the people in your family is your choice. Our behavior matters and we aren't just victims of the families into which we're born. But, you have nothing to do with how the members of your family behave. You also can't change them.

The tricky part comes in when your family members exhibit behavior that doesn't seem loving.

Love is sometimes challenging and painful(streeeetttttcccchhhhing you), but never harmful. If you don't find any value in a family relationship--if you wouldn't have anything to do with these people if you weren't related--you really need to examine why you maintain the connection. Sometimes, the people you expect to love you, don't. Not really. They don't take your best interests into account or put your personal development at a high premium.

So, maybe you're not loved by the people who share your DNA.

Shocking suggestion, I know, but one that needs to be mentioned. Biology does not determine connection. Just ask a child who's been neglected or abused by a biological relative. Love is an action, not biology and not just words. I like words and I think verbal communication is very important to relationships, but let's be clear: love is about action. If behavior doesn't reflect love, then you're not loved.

To some individuals, biology seems so vital that they can't imagine not having involvement with family members, even when the interaction is conflicted. However, relationships need to be based on something more than DNA. Not looking at and taking into account the nature of your relationship can limit you and your growth.

Sometimes, in some situations, families are toxic. They negatively impact your emotional and mental health. When this is the case, you need to consider ending the relationship. Before you come to this conclusion look at your actions--the stuff you're doing to contribute to the problems. Change what you need to change--that's your power. Then, if you can't alter the unhealthy interaction, you need to stop it. As harsh as that sounds, if your family is hurting you, stop interacting with them.

WORKING MYSELF OUT OF A JOB

Lisa writes: "I'm 17. All my family does is fight. My family downgrades me every chance they get. They sometimes hit me and always cuss and yell at me. I feel like I have so many secrets and no one to talk to...I know my family wouldn't believe me. I don't know what to do or how to make things right. I want my family to love me and I wanna be happy...I am happy until my dad is around. Then it's just yelling and threatening and sometimes hitting. Please reply and please help me."

I wish I could make it all better, Lisa, but some families are unhappy and abusive. It's just the way it is and this sucks. You don't deserve this, no matter what you've done.

You've asked for my help....the one big piece of advice I have is to get an education. Stay in school. Complete your assignments. Ask your teachers for help. (Yes, they really do want to help.) And then when you've graduated, get out. Out of your biological family.

It sounds toxic.

You can't make your family stop yelling and arguing, but you can make a different life for yourself. It's hard when you want the people who raised you to be different and to love you. Sometimes, they just don't.

* * *

Good therapists are working their way out of their jobs.

In recent years, individuals have embraced the idea that brain chemistry can only be changed by taking antidepressants, anti-anxiety medication, anti-whatever pills. Many are convinced that they have a lifelong issue and will always need to be medicated.

Not necessarily true. Brain chemistry can be changed by the way you think. This isn't just a matter of thinking everything is okay, making it okay, but it means that you're in charge of your own life, even when it doesn't feel this way. It can be very difficult to deal with feelings and personal perceptions, but my job as a therapist is to help you find the tools to enable you to change your experience. I'm working my way out of a job.

I want you to prosper, to create the life you want. I believe that most individuals have the capacity to do this.

Learn to confront your own issues. Learn to believe in yourself.

SON OR HUSBAND?

A reader writes: "I was married and divorced two years later because there was no understanding with my first husband. We mutually agreed to divorce, after which my infant son and I stayed with my mother. Nine years later, the man I worked for proposed marriage. I took some time to decide as he was already married and had two kids. I finally agreed to marry him.

As we work together and I travel on business with him alot, I depended on my husband's first wife to care for my son. Initially, this seemed okay, but after a few months, she began harassing my son. She complains about him to my husband and she kept my child outside. My son stayed with a colleague for a week because my husband's first wife wouldn't let him in the house.

My husband supports his first wife, saying my son is not good, that his culture isn't good and his blook is bad. We argue. My son is only 12. Once when my husband was drunk, he started arguing in front of everybody. He said my priority was my son, not my husband. He started beating him. I was afraid and, early that morning, took my son to my mother's place before coming back. My mother is now caring for him. Because of the pressure in my house, I keep my son at my mother's. If I don't, I know my husband's first wife won't feed him or care for him. How can I keep him with her?

My husband--also my boss--loves me. Although I have learned a lot after marrying him, I have not completed my formal education. My husband has taught me many things at work. He encourages me, but his expectations are high. He takes care of me, but not my son. Sometimes, he drinks and degrades me, saying he is not my priority. My son is. I am scared my husband will throw me out of the house or my job. And yet, he won't accept me staying somewhere else, but says we have to stay together. If I have to leave, I leave both husband and job. Sometimes, I feel suicidal. What shall I do?"

In different cultures, marital expectations vary, sometimes involving multiple wives. While the guy mentioned above happens to have two wives at the same time, the issue isn't so different than a step-parent situation. The problem here--found in many cultures--is that of mate or child?

There's also the reality that leaving your husband means leaving your job. Maybe that's scaring you the most. You've taken your son out of the home, so I know you're concerned for him. The question is whether or not you want to raise your son. Right now, your mom is caring for him.

Your son is only twelve. In most parts of the world, he's not considered even close to being an adult. He still needs a parent. I assume--since you didn't mention him after the first sentence--that your son's father isn't involved. That just leaves you. You've already had the determination to leave one husband and take your child. Are you afraid that you can't do this again? Afraid you won't get another job?

I can't think of another reason to stay....unless you're in the favorite wife role and leaving would mean giving that up. You say your husband loves you, but his actions don't seem loving. He might cling to you. Maybe your husband tells you he needs you, but your son is part of you--you had to sneak him out of the house to protect him. Your husband actually beat your son. It doesn't matter that he was drinking. This isn't love.

Don't confuse being needed with being loved. Not the same thing. You're under a lot of pressure and you say you're feeling suicidal. Why stay? I can understand fear--not being sure you can get a job. Fearing that you won't be acceptable because you didn't get your degree. [Note to other readers: GET YOUR DEGREE!]

You made it before as a divorced woman and divorce is way better than suicide. Give yourself and your son another chance at life without the man you now call "husband."

DID SHE CHEAT?

A male reader writes, "I need advice on what to do. My wife has been abused, raped and mistreated [before].... Last Thursday, my wife went our mutual friend's...to watch his kid for him.... When he got home, he tricked her to drink alcohol.... He then commenced to do things (take her clothes off, touch her, etc.). The whole time, she was saying no, but was too drunk to do anything about it. When I got there...I asked where she was.... I went to the bedroom [and] she was getting dressed. So, she cheated on me. I feel betrayed. I hit her and choked her and I don't remember any of it. All I remember is walking up to her, yelling at her. Then I grabbed her by the neck and pushed her against the wall. I let her go when I realized what I was doing.... Before I went to rehab, it was normal for me to black out when angered and to do very bad things. I feel horrible for hurting her like that, but I hate her for cheating on me. She had promised me in the past that she would never drink when I'm not around.... [Later] I found out that she'd been raped. I have been cheated on before. To me, it is the worst thing your partner can do to you. She has known that's how I feel about it since before we started going out. Yesterday, I was able to sit and listen to...her side of what happened... She told me that she was tricked into drinking,... In any case, I still feel like she cheated on me. I'm lost. Now that I know she was raped, I just don't know what to do. I need advice on what to do, not just for me. I can handle that, but for her."

Dear Reader: For a man who claims to black-out when angry, you remember a lot of what you did to her.

If you believe her story, she didn't cheat. She was raped. Rape is not the victim's choice. Not their fault. Certainly, they were not assaulted because of what they wore or said or, in this case, drank. Rape is a violent act and being raped isn't any kind of betrayal to you. It's a very, very bad thing that happened to her.

I'm not sure I understand. If you believe her side of things, why would you still feel like she cheated? Cheating is a choice. Rape victims don't choose. You can't even be upset that she drank without you, since she said she did this unknowingly.

On the other hand, you might doubt her story and think she wasn't raped, but willingly chose to have sex with your friend. Your reaction fits this. If you question her claim of rape, then you need to seriously look at what this relationship is doing for you and decide to fix it or leave.

I don't recommend that you lay hands on her again. No matter what she might have done, she doesn't deserve this and if you get physical with her, it'll only get you into more trouble.

Relationships can be resolved and get healthy after infidelity, but only if both partners are committed to looking at and changing themselves and moving beyond the problems--which were there even before the cheating.

If she was raped, the woman needs to report it to the police (even if they don't do anything about it) and get counseling. You probably have local services just for this. Talking with someone about the trauma really can help.

LOVE OR DESPERATION?

Being beautiful, skinny or rich doesn't guarantee relationship happiness. Hollywood hook-ups and break-ups show us this over and over. What we think will make us happily mated, doesn't always do so.

I saw a foster child in play therapy yesterday. On Fridays, my husband and I enjoy going together to do in-home therapy with foster kids. We both do this individually on other days, but on Fridays we make it a point to go together. (Foster kids are both lucky and unlucky. They are cared for in loving homes that are not their own--but they aren't with their own parents...lucky and unlucky.)

This Friday, I happened to be exiting a child's bedroom after her session when Roger was passing into another child's room. As we were going down the stairs, my client innocently asked me why Roger has no hair on back part of his head.

Roger has male pattern balding and he hates it.

When we met in high school, my husband had a thick, luxuriant head of hair. It was the seventies. Guys wore long hair as a rebellion and a fashion statement. Roger had a mustache and chest hair, even in high school. Hair wasn't a problem for him then and it's something of a sorrow for him that he's losing it now.

But I don't care--I mean I care that he cares, but his bald spot doesn't diminish his attractiveness to me one bit. Not even a little. This is not because I'm tremendously wonderful or saintly. I just happen to feel loved by my husband. I experience being valued by him everyday. This matters a whole lot more than hair.

Relationship happiness is a sometimes elusive goal for most of us. Feeling loved is a great reason to be in a relationship..... Feeling desperate isn't.

Too often when individuals sit in my office, talking about their unhappiness in their marriage or with the person they're dating, they say they would leave--but they don't want to be alone. Although an individual recently posted a message on this blog, accusing me of not believing in marriage, I think relationships are tremendously important. Whether you're married or cohabitating, having a significant other is really significant. I've been married for thirty-two years. Not all of these were blissful, but we learned a heck of a lot.

In a healthy, working relationship, you learn a lot about yourself. This is a big part of the gift of love. Research tells us that being in a relationship adds to your physical health and contributes to you living longer. Together can be really good for you when you're happy, but there is a strong tendency to stay in relationships for another reason....people are afraid to be alone.

Some things about not having a partner do suck. You go to parties alone, you don't have anyone to warm your feet in bed on cold nights. You don't have a sexual default.

But staying in an unresolved, contentious relationship where you no longer enjoy or have respect for your partner isn't good for you. (It isn't good for your kids either, but that's another topic.) It makes a lot of sense to take a good, hard look at how you can resolve the issues in your relationship. You need to learn what you're contributing to the mess. You need to work on changing your behaviors that aren't healthy.

And you may need to leave.

It's just a sad reality that unresolved conflict leads to the death of whatever love was originally in the relationship. It may be over. You may be done.

If this is the case, you need to move on. Staying because you don't want to be alone isn't good enough. Lots of people hate being alone. They don't like not having someone at their side in the mall. They want a bookend. While being alone may not be the ideal state for an adult, it's better than getting into or staying in a relationship just to avoid being alone.

When you're trying to make a in-or-out relationship decision and you find yourself wavering, ask whether this is love or desperation. Being so afraid of living on your own indicates a lack of belief in yourself. And I'm going to say that this is largely inaccurate.... You are way more capable than you give yourself credit for.

When a relationship is a bad fit from the start--different values or too similar a personal outlook--you're better off being alone.

Being in love is good. Being in desperation is bad. Don't let this lead you in the wrong direction.

THE LOVING KISS-OFF

I took a daughter of mine to a distant city yesterday and left her there. She's entering a doc grad program at a university and is now immersed in adjusting to a new city and teaching her first class.

Your kids may be your kids all your life, but good parenting means setting them up on their own to make it without you. You won't be here forever. The kids need to make it on their own.

Her dad and I did maintenance on her car, bought her a new work wardrobe, paid for her to have a decent haircut--all things she needed. Then we loaded her stuff into a U-Haul truck and moved her to her new life. We're thinking she's going to have to sink or swim there.

It's really up to her.

This is the hard part of parenting--amongst many hard parts--the letting go. It's both a relief and an anxiety. She needs us to believe in her and if we do that, we need to act like she can handle life. Really, that's what most kids need, to know they are capable and strong and that we believe in them.

We get to go on with our own lives now and, it may sound callous and cold, but that's a relief.

Still, it's hard.

* * *

J. writes of depression and anxiety and not knowing where to turn:

"I need someone to talk to....I am a single mom of a precious twelve year-old daughter that I love so much, but she is the only reason I keep going...I have been struggling with anxiety and high blood pressure...and worry...I feel worthless and pathetic...I can't seem to make friends....

Dear J.

Get thee to a therapist and do it quickly. You shouldn't have to suffer like this and you need guidance how to make your life better. If you don't have insurance that will pay for mental health treatment, look for a community agency that offers counseling on a sliding scale or a university program that arranges for counseling with a graduate student who's got professorial back-up. You need someone to listen to you, to hear your distress and to remind you that you're not a terrible person.

* * *

G. writes of struggling to let her baby son establish relationships beyond her:

"My mother-in-law watches my year-old son and she's doing a great job...but when she goes out, she doesn't call me. It's starting to tear my marriage apart...Its making me feel unimportant. I want to know everything that goes on with my son...whether it's going to the store or going to the park..."

Dear G.

Get a grip. You say yourself that your mother-in-law is doing a great job in caring for your son. Let her do it. Having a baby can trigger stuff you haven't dealt with and this maybe what's going on with you. Parenting is the constant process of learning to let go(see my remarks above). You want your son to grow into a healthy young man. He needs to establish relationships with lots of people. He needs different resources...he needs more than you. This may be hard to hear, but it's true.

If this freaks you out so powerfully that you're having major conflict within yourself and with your husband. You might resent having had to return to work, fearing a loss of connection with your son. Or you may fear that your mother-in-law is becoming more significant to your son than you. Even unfounded or unlikely anxieties can cause emotional distress. You might need to look at (with help if necessary) what the "mothering" role means to you. It sounds like you started defining yourself by your parenting role alone. This is a dangerous, scary thing to do (although it's tempting). You may never have felt this important to anyone. In the beginning, your child needs you for everything. He needs the haven of your body and even the blood that circulated between you. Everything. When you gave birth, though, it started a process of him growing up and moving into the world.

If you're having a hard time with letting him do this, maybe you need to look at how else you can get what you need.

* * *

M. writes of her relationship challenges with her live-in boyfriend and his/her kids:

"For around the past four months, we have been getting into fights; fights that are little and fights that are big...My fear is that...we could lose each other and I don't want that to happen. My goal is for he and I to be able to trust each other; work together, minimize arguments and find helpful activities to have fun that don't involved negative environments. I don't want to lose him...Can you help us?"

Dear M.

You guys need to learn to argue and I mean that in the best way. Conflicts in relationships are unavoidable. Anyway you go at it, the two of you are going to disagree about stuff, particularly with step-parenting and trying to blend two families. I'm also thinking you need to look at your value systems and see if these are in conflict. Your ominous reference to "negative environments" leads me to think you two don't see eye-to-eye on some basic issues.

Yelling and arguing with a loved one feels really bad and most people go to great lengths to avoid this, if they can. But you still need to learn to communicate and that's sometimes a difficult process. We don't always sit down and talk in a calm voice, although no one should be looking around for missiles to throw, either. You need to hear what he's saying and to have him hear your concerns. I cannot stress this enough. If you can't learn to do this, you won't make it.

* * *

Relationships are complicated and difficult...and we need them to make our lives worth living.

DON'T OVER-TALK YOUR KIDS

In parenting, it's sometimes the things you don't say that make the most impact.

You love your kids just as I love mine, and you want to shelter them from the foreseeable storms, the things you know will cause them grief. This can be anything from steering them clear of transgressions of the law to hiding their paternity. But be careful that you don't step into trying to smooth their paths in ways that ends up creating problems.

Every life has some troubles. It's a fact that I hate, but this is reality. It's also sucky that we seem to need to stumble and feel the consequences of our choices before we really learn. That being so, why are you trying so hard to keep your kids from experiencing consequences?

It's true that some consequences are life-altering or life-ending. When kids are small, you try hard to keep them from playing in the middle of the street. You know what can happen if a car comes along, but knowing the outcome isn't an excuse for preventing your child from dating or marrying the wrong guy. Some things she has to learn herself. Of course, if she's fourteen, you still have a responsibility to step in if you think she's getting beaten up by the guy she's dating or if you think she's sexually active--the really scary stuff.

But you don't get to nag her all the time about the guy based on your conviction that he's a loser or your fear that he'll lead her into bad company. Really bad things have to be blocked, of course, and you can do this if the kid is under-age. Not if she's an adult, though. She gets to pick loser boyfriends and flunk out of college classes she'll later need to get a degree and a good job.

All this sucks, but talking at your kids, telling them what they've heard you say a hundred times and nagging--none of this benefits your child.... The urge to do all of this is completely natural. You're desperate to keep the kid from pit falls! Heck, you've been down this road. You know the rough spots and you don't want the same for her.

Sorry. She's going to find out some things for herself and you--because you love her--get to be supportive and silent. She doesn't need to you point out that you told her this or to underline the lessons life is already teaching her.

She needs you to love her--to believe in her even when she doesn't believe in herself. While you may have the urge to rush in a rescue her in the way that your parents tried to rescue you (or in the way you wished you could have been rescued), don't do it. Rescuing needs to be very sparingly administered--just the minimum. Doing more will make her dependent on you and while that may make you feel warm and fuzzy in the short term, you're not going to be around always. She needs to learn she can stand on her own two feet.

I know this is hard. Particularly when the kid you love is crying or desperate. Don't rush in. Think very, very carefully about rescuing or saving her. The last thing you want is to weaken her.

If you want to help, support her school/career endeavors in any way you can, but only if she asks. This will give her the capacity to make a life for herself.

You want her to be strong. Remember that over-talking and telling her what to do doesn't help her discover the sometimes harsh truths of life. It just makes her stop listening to you.

And you don't want that.

PERSONALIZE YOUR SEX, PEOPLE

"He just wants sex. He doesn't necessarily want me."

I hear this alot and it's always said with resentment. Don't go here.

Problems with sex are typically an indication of poor communication or no communication. As emotional estrangement builds, sex fades away. When you have a sex disconnect, a relationship disconnect is almost always present.

Lots of things contribute to this--resentment over an unequal balance of responsibilities in the home(one half feels she's doing all the housework, childcare, bringing-home-the-money, etc), really lousy communication, resentment over a previous wrong....to mention a few.

Sexual problems are rarely just sexual.

One component of this kind of imbalance is that the half of the relationship who doesn't beg for sex usually doesn't feel really wanted by the other partner. It's nothing personal. Although this isn't usually recognized, feeling desired by another person is a great aphrodesiac. Few things get you humming like someone being turned on by you.

Relationship problems lead to cheating, but a big component of cheating is that the extra-marital partner is really turned on by the cheater. (Of course, they're not thinking of themselves as cheaters--it's not all that attractive.)

Thinking your partner just wants to get his rocks off and that it doesn't have that much to do with you is a turn-off. Even if you guys are having sex regularly, the sex is hotter when one person is very excited to be with the other. "Oh my god, you're the sexiest!"

Not giving a flip about who you're having sex with, as long as you get sex, might not be your feeling. But when you're experiencing a sexual drought, you tend to get angry and sometimes you say ugly things you don't really mean...like talking about a person having needs and maybe even threatening to go get sex somewhere else. When they say this, sex-starved people aren't usually intending to go have random sex with strangers, they're trying to communicate how much they want the physical intimacy back in the relationship, but let me tell you, this is a stupid thing to say.

I just need an orgasm with another person--not just my own hand--isn't a flattering or arousing communication.

If one partner (not always the guy) seeks to experience connection through sexual activity, this can be seen by the other partner as dismissive and using. Partners who feel used (not always women) by sex-seeking mates don't think their feelings are important to the mate. They feel like anybody would do, the partner isn't really hungering for them. Just sex.This is why they feel used. They don't see their partners' desire for sex as being about them....it's just about having an orgasm(or two).

Some people connect through talking and sharing--vital to relationships--and some connect easier through having sex. The talking and sharing part is always important to building emotional intimacy, some people just have a different route to the feelings. Some want to talk before sex; others are opened up to communication by sex. This may seem weird to the talkers, but different folks work in different ways.

Sadly, we have a tendency to think the way we see the world is an absolute reality, but there are a bunch of folk who see things differently. Open your mind to a different viewpoint. Your sexual problems may be about something else altogether.