THRILLED BUT NOT PROUD

Tomorrow, a child of mine is graduating medical school. All through her academic process--valedictorian of her small high school, cum laude graduate in biology from college, a masters in medical science and then medical school--people have been commenting on how proud of her I must be.

I have a problem with that word--proud--and I realize this is mostly my issue.

In my experience, parental pride seems to include some level of ownership of the achievement--like the child's success is somehow due to the parent. I reject that perspective and not because I don't think I've been a good parent. As most parents, I had some bad, stupid moments and some really good moments. When this physician daughter of mine couldn't read at eight, I went into intensive vision therapy mode. I fortunately knew of a professional in this field and, with his direction, I was rigid about vision therapy with her. I mean I was hell-bent, full-out, commando about this. I love words and I couldn't imagine a life without reading.

So, yes. I get credit for helping her be able to learn to read. My husband and I have always placed our daughters' needs at a high priority and we've worked to give them the foundation of a strong parental marriage. I've been a decent parent and I feel good about most of my actions in that area.

But I can't say I'm proud of this adult child of mine because this is her achievement. She earned this. I've seen her hard work and intensive study to get where she can walk across the stage tomorrow and earn the title of Dr. Doss. The hours spent pouring over massive text books and the devotion she gave to study were incredible.

I'm thrilled for her.

When she spent a month in Costa Rica earlier this year to learn medical Spanish(a great idea and a fun trip for her), she was startled to come home and hear all the big, wild ideas her father and I had about celebrating her huge accomplishment. Live bands and country clubs were discussed. Banners and such. We stopped short of skywriting our congratulations, but just.

I never say how proud of her I am--I just tell her repeatedly how thrilled her dad and I are. I don't take credit for her successes (or her failures for that matter). She's a strong, dedicated, determined woman. She's earned this medical degree and anyone who ends up in the ER, needing her help, will be fortunate to have her on duty.