REVENGE CHEATING

This is pay-back, pure and simple. A version of "you hurt me, so I'm going to hurt you." Be very careful if you're thinking along these lines. I totally get that having a mate--the person closest to you--cheat on you hurts like hell. In that distressed moment, you want to lash out, to make your lover understand how badly you've been hurt by his action.

But doing this just makes you a cheater, too, and you know what you think of his having broken his commitment to you. Do you--in your more rational moments--want to sink to his level?

The problem with revenge cheating is that it's cheating. No matter how you slice it, you will always have cheated, not just been cheated on. In this world of twisted tit for tat, you will have to some extent, have leveled the playing field. His transgression will matter less and that's not what you're going for, at all.

In all further discussion of his having stepped out on you, he will throw this in your face. He'll probably say that he only does this because you're throwing his having cheated in his face, but this kind of wound lingers. Even if he promises never to do this again and gives you all his passwords, plus total access to his cell phone, you're probably going to want to again bring up that you can't trust him.

You'll have questions about his cheating--probably lots of questions--and he'll use your having cheated as a deflection from his behavior.

Being cheated on can leave you feeling like you've been shredded. Everything you always counted on before can no longer be assured and, even though he sometimes seems like the guy you love, you'll struggle to move beyond this.

Couples can move beyond cheating, but only under certain conditions. The cheater has to completely renounce the extracurricular relationship. There can be no secrets and you have to learn to successfully address the issues that led to this breach in the first place. Cheating only happens in weakened relationships. Something wasn't right, even if there were lots of great things between you. In order to get beyond this, you both need to learn to talk about the things you've be so carefully not talking about all these years.

You need to learn to talk--and listen--about the issues that you've not settled before. The problems that have festered inside you both.

Either you walk away from a cheating lover or the two of you begin learning how to be different. Staying and trying to forget (or trying to get back to where you once were) doesn't heal the wound. Revenge cheating won't make you feel better in the long run and it's a big choice to make for short-term satisfaction.