FAIL-SAFE KIDS

Hi Dr,

I am from India, am going through a real tough time now with my family and spouse. I could not make any decision and am totally confused. Can you please help me providng some suggestion.

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Dear India,

Since you didn't mention what issues you're dealing with, I can only address your struggle to trust your own decisions. This can be very difficult if you've made mistakes (we ALL do this) and if you struggle to have faith in yourself.

Decision-making can be difficult, particularly if you believe you must always make the right decision. We all have moments that, if we had the opportunity to live them over, we'd make a different choice, but you need to consider that even the wrong decision can lead you down a path of learning.

I hate paths of learning, but I'm committed to getting all I can out of my mistakes, so I don't need to repeat them. The only way to learn everything we can from the difficult situations is to stop condemning ourselves long enough to really look at the situation as objectively as we can. Continuing to abuse yourself only stops the process.

Here's the bottom line--trust yourself and don't beat yourself up over decisions that don't work out perfectly. Perfection isn't the goal. Becoming a better person is the reasonable hope.

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FAIL-SAFE KIDS

We've developed an ernest desire to produce kids who never have to struggle the way we've done. In this mission, we often try to function so that our kids don't face the challenges we did. This is understandable, but don't kid yourself that your children won't struggle at something. That's just in the nature of life, and struggle isn't fun, but it can be very productive.

I see a number of parents who have found themselves in the dilemma of having marriages that don't work and yet, wondering if they should stay in these "for the children". First of all, don't believe the idea that kids don't know you and your mate are having a hard time. Most kids know. I've even had some adolescents tell me that they wished their parents would just divorce already. Living in a strained parental relationship is no fun.

Some people want to be very different than their own parents and that, too, can be very understable. But staying in an unhappy, acrimonious or strained relationship doesn't mean you're being a good parent.

Fix it or leave.

This is very simple, but I know very well that relationships are difficult and it takes two people to really resolve conflicts. Sometimes one or the other just gets tired of the struggle. If you're in this kind of situation, you may wonder if staying for your kids is necessary.

I think raising kids is best with a parental-unit, but not all parents know how to be a unit. You may parent well together, but you need to learn how to work through conflicts or you're missing out on the greatest gift parents can give their kids. Life requires us to know how to resolve conflicts. This is a messy, sometimes painful process. No one comes through difficult situations without getting a least a little frustrated and saddened.
This is true for your kids, too. Sometimes they win; sometimes they don't. Just make sure you're doing your best not to get in the way of their learning.