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What if you're with a cheater? Most individuals stay in a relationship through one infidelity--"he was drunk", "we'd had a fight", "we were going through a rough patch". You probably have many things to sort through. But what if there is more than one infidelity? One reader is struggling with this issue and writes, "We've been together for 2 years. We met immediately after my divorce [and] things progressed pretty quickly between us...after 10 months, I moved 1/2 way across the country to be with him; he deployed less than 1 month after I got there. I then waited for him during his deployment.... When he returned home..., I found out that he had cheated on me before I ever even moved away with him. This crushed me, but I also felt that since it [happened over a year ago], things had changed. I decided that because I love him so much & he says he loves me, that he is sorry, won't do it again & that he doesn't want me to leave, that I would try to get past this."
The reader goes on to say that there was cheating after this--always followed with a moving apology. "There are other factors that I feel are having an affect on his behavior...he was diagnosed with depression...[and] had a very traumatic "experience" when he was young...and he just found out that he has a son from a previous 'relationship'. Maybe I am trying to make excuses to myself for him, but I love him.... I don't want to leave. He says he loves me & I believe he does love me.... My question is should I leave this individual?"
This kind of situation is what motivated me to write Should I Leave Him? This reader would be wise to read Chapter Five "Determine The Real Reason You're In This Relationship". Understanding what's keeping her there may help her decide what to do.
To anyone outside the relationship, it seems clear that this guy is going to continue to cheat. If she wants to stay in this with him, she should know he's going to be with others outside their relationship.
Another reader is with a man who she says isn't emotionally supportive. She's the one considering having sex outside the relationship. After 21 years of marriage, she's trying to decide if she should leave, saying the last half of the marriage he has seemed cold to her. "He makes no initiative.... We agreed to have a child...but are having complication[s] conceiving. I have been the one having to make the steps to...do everything, from doctors appointment[s] to testing...he never even went to the appointment [for him]." The relationship is emotionally estranged and they have little communication. "I know that we need counseling...we don't hold hands...cuddle...have sex beyond the bed...It's sickening..."
This reader feels so estranged in the relationship that she's been "chatting on-line....There's one particular gentleman that strikes my attention.... He is not in the states, God, if he were I would be there where he is.... That keeps me from going outside my marriage to have sex....[My husband and I] do not talk to each other for hours...My question is should I leave this individual? In [considering] whether to leave, I have no income of my own...it is all tied up in our accounts together. So, what should I do?"
The decision of whether or not to leave a relationship is intensely personal and has to be considered in light of your individual situation. Ask yourself--"Is this relationship bringing me more than it's costing me?"
It may seem like money issues shouldn't play any role in the decision to stay in a relationship or leave, but this is unrealistic. Money effects many aspects of life and has to be considered. But is it a reason to stay? And if you're staying for the cash, can you expect the relationship to have any emotional reward?
This reader needs to find herself another source of income. If money is the only thing holding her here, she's accepting a very limited relationship and she's clearly unhappy with this. How long before she finds a guy on-line who lives much closer to her and finds herself seeking connection and sex outside her marriage?
The answer may not be so clear from the inside as it seems to those looking in.
