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If you're going to come through this somewhat intact, however, you need to aim to survive the loss. Ironically, you have to go through--feel--these emotions to minimize the damage. Trying to avoid feeling loss and anger, or the sense of being out-of-control of your life, is normal, but it doesn't work.
Maybe you've lost a loved one to death. Or you may be mourning the end of a relationship. Sometimes, too, we grieve big changes in our lives, which can bring loss as well as gain. Grief can be a part of losing a job, a relationship or a significant role--a way in which you define yourself. Grief hurts. Don't let anyone else tell you that you shouldn't feel how you feel or that you should grieve a certain way.
Sometimes, grief is so large and over-whelming that you just can't deal with it. Or it feels like you can't. Sometimes, you might delay your grieving until some part of you can face it. You may have tried a number of unhealthy behaviors in an attempt to cope with loss. Some people try and drink it away. Some try to lose themselves by diving into relationships that are, by nature, dysfunctional.
Think of grief as if you're in the ocean. This is not a nice ocean. You feel like you're drowning in pain. It feels bad, but if you'll notice, the emotion of grief or loss comes in waves. Not unlike a woman's contractions in the birth experience, the emotion of grief can seem to build or can slam into you with the force of a locomotive. Suddenly, you're awash in loss. Drowning. The sense of missing can envelope you and crash over your head. You may feel like you can't breath. Even trying to draw air into your lungs hurts. You probably feel desperate, like you need to do something, anything, to make this emotion go away.
If you'll stay with it, though--weep, yell, rant at the skies, whatever--it will start to diminish after a time. If you curl into a fetal position and cry, or if you start throwing and breaking things(hopefully not things you really like), eventually, the emotion will become less intense. It will subside some. Don't try to reason the feelings away. This is a natural tendency, but it doesn't help. Don't try and distract yourself. Just feel it. Feel the loss, the grief, the missing. If you give yourself over to it, the emotion will eventually subside. Honestly, it will. And if you work your way through the experience, the episodes will eventually get shorter and you'll be able to breathe through them.
Loss sucks. We humans don't ever like it. It never feels good, but eventually, you'll be able to laugh again.
If you're mourning the loss of a loved one, remember, that it's okay to feel better eventually. You want to be able to remember the person you lost, and smile. He had his quirks, crazy things he did or said. Silly or annoying things he didn't do when most people would have. You want to be able to remember him without feeling like you've been stabbed in the gut. You want to feel normal again.
Sometimes you can even feel guilty for not continuing to grieve. Remember, life requires you to return to some functionality. Loving the one you lost, doesn't mean being miserable forever. You have to recover, if you're going to celebrate the life that was so important to you.
Sometimes, it doesn't seem like grief will ever go away, and in some relationships, you may always miss the individual when you think of her. You can, however, survive.
