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It seems so obvious, I mean, who doesn't care about someone? But this is more difficult than it looks. Love is hard, just ask the newly-divorced. It hurts, and who wants to hurt? You could decide to be an island and not care for anyone, but that's not a great option either. You live an isolated life and tend to die younger. Living completely unattached to anyone is very hard, so we humans are becoming adept at pseudo-attachment. This means we're not really attached, but it looks and feels attached, for a while.
First off, folks are diving head-first into immediate intimate involvement. Dating, as such, doesn't really happen anymore. No longer do individuals have casual, non-committed interaction to enable them to move toward more than acquaintance. Now, people hook-up on first meeting and--because it can seem trashy to have random sex outside of a relationship--we tell ourselves that this is a relationship. It's just a relationship that happened really quickly and involved sex within hours.
The problem here is that you don't know the person you're with. Not really. You haven't had enough interaction to know him. The color of his undies may be something you've discovered, but you don't know whether he likes peas or hates his mother. Voted blue, red or not at all in the last presidential election. Still, we humans aren't happy in a disconnected state. So, you hook-up and break-up and then get out there looking for someone to hook-up with again. A relationship revolving door. Many approach relationships in a totally random manner. Kind of like buying a lottery ticket…you keep hoping you'll hit the jackpot.
The bad news is that this isn't attachment. Emotional connection doesn't take time, it takes knowledge of the person you're meeting between the sheets. Really getting to know her is what takes time. Knowledge enables understanding…understanding is required before attachment can be experienced.
Some people never get here. They get almost there. Caring about someone, without understanding leads to a dangerous pseudo-love. Many individuals--not knowing real love--even have this kind of experience with children or relatives. The tendency is to see others through our own experience. I would feel a certain way if I acted a certain way and others must be like me (most only know their own perspective), therefore….
This is not love. Not attachment in any sort of enduring way, which is why many people connect, disconnect, and reconnect over and over again. They struggle to know and love others; struggle to let others know and love them. Love can hurt. If you care for another and he leaves the relationship, you suffer.
This is why children who've been abused or abandoned by parental figures so often struggle with a disorder known as Reactive Attachment Disorder.
But attaching to someone is the only way to experience a healthy self-image.The only way to be emotionally whole.You have to let someone love you. Individuals who struggle with this have massive issues; issues now being mapped by neuroscientists. Kids who suffer abuse or grow up in neglectful homes show actual brain development deficiencies. Not being cared for has major implications for the young. It effects us physically and emotionally.
This need doesn't change as we get older. Love is vital. Letting yourself risk attachment is necessary for your well-being. Yeah, it can hurt like hell, but the alternative is really, really sad.
You can handle this. You can recover from loss. Learn to let yourself love.
