Stay or Go?

To say that relationships are complicated is an incredible understatement. We're more confused about love than ever.

According to the statistics from Rutgers University's The Marriage Project, while the divorce rate is actually declining, so is marriage. Rather than getting married, more people are choosing unmarried relationships. If, however, you've ever participated in a relationship that didn't include actual legal marriage, you know that it still isn't simple! Relationships--married or not--are challenging. Individuals not wanting to live their lives in a solitary state face many questions: Who to be with? Where to find someone? Is this the Right someone? And once you've connected with a someone, the questions just get bigger.

Many adults, and lots of people who've not yet reached this designation, cycle through romantic interactions in a bewildered daze. You may not know why you're with the one you're with or even if you're actually with this someone. Sometimes, individuals aren't even sure whether or not they're in a relationship. Currently, the gray area between "just friends" and "dating" has gotten even grayer.

But, let's say you've sorted through this issue and you are in a relationship. Now, despite the nice feeling of having someone who cares whether you get home at night, the trouble starts. Perhaps one of the most challenging points in any relationship comes when you realize that it's not as perfect as you'd hoped and, in fact, sometimes it really sucks.

In one of the sucking moments, you will inevitably ask yourself: stay or go? Tough it out hoping things will get better? Or get out now? This is particularly difficult if the bad times are really, really bad, involving perhaps the intervention of law enforcement personnel. Or, if the bad times have become the norm.

So, if you're in a relationship in troubled times, you may be in the middle of trying to answer the question of whether you should stay or go. There are many issues: kids, money, fidelity. Perhaps, however, the single most significant question you can ask yourself is also the hardest to answer.

Does this relationship make you a better person?

Now, every one wants to wiggle out of this one or ask for clarification as to what "better" means. Relationships are very confusing and subjective, by nature. So let's try to be objective and just look at the hard facts.

While in the relationship, are you…

…Doing better or worse in your chosen profession(or in school)?

…experiencing an increase in risky behavior? (Drinking to excess or using drugs) Or a decrease in these activities?

…Moving forward towards your life goals?

…Having greater or lesser difficulty with basic life functions?(i.e. paying your bills, meeting your obligations)

…Experiencing more or less conflicts in other significant relationships?(friends and family)

Basically, you need to ask yourself if the relationship is adding overall to your well-being and helping you to prosper and gain in ways you value. The answer to this question can be difficult. If the relationship is challenging, but seems to be pushing you in ways that benefit you, you might want to stay in it and figure out how to resolve the conflicts. If, however, your relationship seems to be contributing to your struggle to create the life you want, maybe it's time to seriously consider getting out or, at the least, get some therapy.

Life is too short to spend years in a conflicted relationship that cycles over and over through difficult time without improvement. You deserve better…and so does your partner.

Decision-Making: Emotional or Logical

Everybody thinks and everybody feels, but some make their decisions more from their heads and some more from their hearts. It is important to note that both these perspectives have value. Admittedly, both also have limitations.

The Myers-Briggs Type Indicator is an instrument which reflects individuals' preferences on four different continuums. One of these four is Thinking-Feeling, and as a continuum, it is important to recognize that this isn't an either/or situation.

The rational individual tends more toward a cognitive assessment of situations and relationships, disregarding somewhat the emotional level. In fact, Thinking Types have generally focused so much of their energy in life on cognition that they aren't always aware of their emotions. This logical approach can be vital if calibrating machinery, but not so great when trying to work out relationship issues. The more emotional person, however, is almost always able to report what he or she is feeling at a given moment. Usually, Feeling Types can report multiple feelings at any time and tend to reflect these emotions in their faces. Objective decisions, however, aren't made out of emotions. The differences as to functionality in this thinking-feeling preferece lies in the situation at hand. Few of us want the pilot of an aircraft we're occupying to "do what she feels" in a crisis situation. Sometimes you need to be more logical, sometimes you need to know--and express!--what you feel.

It might be helpful to specify what is actually a feeling and what is a thought. Opinions, assessments and statements of fact are more logically-oriented. Personal values and emotions are feelings. Just as you can't "feel" the exact measurements of a room--most of us would need a ruler--you also can't rationally determine your own personal reaction to a given situation. Except when we're talking about chemistry or physics, reactions are generally emotional.

You have--and need--both cognition and feelings.

It is important to recognize, however, that you can't "feel that" someone else is doing or saying anything. Anytime you say, "I feel that you …", you're not actually talking about your feelings. You feel your own emotions, no one else's. You perceive others' feelings sometimes, but you'd better take a cautious approach to interpreting these. Never tell someone else what they feel. You can guess, but you have no ground to argue.

Emotions are probably the biggest challenge in personal relationships. Learning to understand your own emotional responses and trying to understand others' feelings will enable you to make your way successfully through many life situations. Most importantly, we all need a balance. Some challenges in relationshiops require us to be very rational and some situations call for emotional awareness. Learn to have access to both aspects of yourself and you'll have a better life.

Outsourcing Your Emotions, Part 2

Emotions are messy, sometimes inconvenient and not always pleasant. By definition of the word, whether very positive or very negative, emotions involve an 'agitation or disturbance.' Emotional intensity can be scary and there are individuals who prefer to function out of their rational capacity whenever possible, remaining even-keeled in all eventualities. Who wouldn't want to avoid emotions like pain and loss? Individuals may even make foolish choices based on "good" emotions or find themselves taking actions, they regret. Distancing from such a volatile experience can look like a much better option. It seems safer. We humans, however, all have emotions as well as thoughts. So what's a rational-preferring person to do with the disturbing emotions?

Out-Source your emotions.

When a thinking type kid of thirteen wanted to go with her friends to see a very sad, very popular movie, her more emotionally-sensitive mother declined to accompany them. But the daughter returned from the viewing very upset and tearful and begged her mother to go see it. Surprised at her level-headed child's distress, her mom agreed. However, to the mom's surprise, although she found the movie depressing for a week after seeing it, her daughter, who'd seen it twice, now seemed to have no distress, at all. The daughter had out-sourced her feelings. Passed them on like a relay race runner. She'd handed her emotional distress off to someone else who was now displaying emotional intensity for them both.

This kind of emotional out-sourcing might be defined as "letting someone else do the messy stuff" and is probably not a conscious action. Nonetheless, letting others do the feeling for you is generally a bad idea. Emotions, like a radio, can't be turned down so that just one sound is cut out. If you're turning down the volume for one emotion, you're closing them all off. This can lead to feeling remote from your own life and can even contribute to depression.

Another aspect of out-sourcing emotions can appear to have the best of intentions. Very rational people who "fix" other's lives, often tell themselves that they're okay if their loved one is okay. They can go to extremes in placing others' needs before their own and often lead lives filled with sacrifice. The theme, however, of one individual being okay if another individual is good, is simply a reflection of out-sourcing.

We are impacted by the emotions experienced by the people we love. To some, it seems the only way to control the impact on themselves, is to make sure the loved one always feels good, positive emotions. As you can imagine, this "fixing" of someone else's life is very hard to sustain and can lead to resentment if the "fixed" individual sees the fixer as controlling, which is likely.

Consider this scenario: you find yourself telling a loved one about an upsetting or distressing situation and your loved one gets really upset or angry on your behalf. Paradoxically, you then find yourself arguing the other side of the situation. You tell your loved one to calm down, explaining why it's not really so upsetting or distressing. You talk about how he ought to see it rationally--like you are--and not let it upset her.

Poof! You've just out-sourced. Now that she's upset, you're not. You might even find yourself forgetting that you ever were upset. It's just her who's angry, not you. You then can walk away from your own emotional distress like you've deposited it in a trash can.

Out-Sourcing.

However, this way of dealing with your emotions can have several negative effects. Your loved one will probably get really tired of being set-up to be the receptacle of your troubled feelings and the relationship will be affected in a bad way. In addition, you will have effectively disconnected and distanced yourself from your own emotions and, while this may seem easier at the moment, you'll come to worse struggles because of it.

Emotions, while not always warm and fuzzy, are functional. You need to feel what you feel. Some kinds of information comes packaged with feelings. Do you have an uneasy sense around a certain co-worker? Even though he's always smiling and laughing? He may just remind you of a kid in high school who used to bully you, but maybe darker things are brewing that you should examine. Some emotions have been given a bad name--just think if you've ever heard of Sadness Management classes or Happy Management classes! Anger has been given a bad rap. Anger, sadness, happiness, affection, annoyance--all are emotions, not behaviors.

You choose your behaviors and you need to quit blaming your emotions. You can feel an emotion and be okay. It won't kill you and it won't make you kill anyone else. In fact, feeling your emotions without trying to disconnect from them, will help you make better decisions and keep you in better mental and physical health.

Love and Vulnerability

One of the greatest joys of love is that it feeds the heart and makes the loved one--friend, lover or child--hugely significant to you. Whatever happens to whomever you love, you're impacted. Good or bad, it matters. Whatever that loved one chooses to do, also matters.

It is important here to make the distinction between "Love" as a feeling (and, remember, emotions shift) and "Love" as an commitment: a choice. The second of these involve actions. When love is a commitment, you generally act in a loving manner. These two, both emotion and commitment, may be found in one relationship…or not. The emotion of love can be experienced as easily as you seeing a really hot-looking girl on the elevator and from then on you're "in love" with her. Or, for that matter, you might find a great frozen yogurt shop you "love!"

Love as a choice, however, will probably alter your actions and how you live your life.

Disregarding the fleeting experience of infatuation, genuine love brings a determination to act in a loving manner. Don't kid yourself, if you don't place the best interests of those you care about at a high value, then you don't love.

Real love isn't easy or easily disconnected from. Love may bring incredible joy and a powerful rush, but it is also accompanied by a tremendous susceptibility. No one can hurt you like the one you love.

The intense investment in relationships leaves you open, even when you don't necessarily want to be vulnerable. We can see this in healthy, functional relationships, as well as, relationships which are dysfunctional to the point of being abusive. Few people really, overall, want to hurt the ones they love. But angry, hurtful words or hurtful physical actions usually take place when people feel vulnerable in a relationship. "Abusers" are generally trying to keep loved ones from behaviors which seem threatening, or are retaliating for a perceived-harm that's been done to them. This is not a defense of hurtful behaviors. Attacking words or physical violence are never okay and never effective.

It is sad, however, that you do tend to hurt the ones you love. Love leads to vulnerability, as well as a lot of other wonderful, fulfilling experiences. Individuals don't usually struggle with the warm, fuzzy up-lifting moments. Vulnerability, on the other hand, can be scary as hell.

The kicker to love-vulnerability is that even though you are tremendously impacted by the actions of the ones you love, you don't get to tell them what to do. Even if you're hurt by their actions, you still don't have control over their lives. When you're in a loving relationship, you get to choose your actions. Love is not about control. You do, however, get to tell loved ones how you're impacted by their choices. It is also your decision how you're with them--how you actually choose to involve yourself in the relationship interaction. You even get to choose the hardest thing of all…you can choose get out of the relationship. But you don't get to control the people you love.

Most individuals don't want to end their love relationships, however. The desire to hang on to the relationship usually motivates attempts to control the behaviors which seem threatening..attempts to control the person. It's understandable. You just want them to see what they're "doing to" you, to see the impact of their actions due to your vulnerability because you love them. But love ends when control enters the picture.

Some people try to avoid getting hurt by never letting themselves really care for someone else. However understable, this is sad. Love brings nurturing to our souls and we can't let the vulnerability that comes with it lead us to choices and actions we regret. Sometimes, you'll get hurt. It's one of the crappy parts of life. Not loving, though, leaves your heart in worse shape.

Quick Engagements

In this world of multiple marriages and repetitious divorces, the rapidity of making romantic commitments--particularly among the young--is increasing. Individuals at one time hesitated to use the word "love" in a relationship due to the implied commitment. Commitment was, for some, a big, scary word and divorce signified failure. These days, however, divorce is sadly common and commitments are made to be broken.

Everyone seems to be looking for someone to call their own. Today's 15-to-25 year olds have most likely grown up with Mom's current "friend" stumbling out of her bedroom in the morning. Their dads may be working on a fourth or fifth marriage. At the very least, they have girlfriends they've dated for five years. This doesn't mean, however, that singles have given up on the idea of relationships that last forever. There seems to be an even greater need to find someone and jump quickly into intimacy with that someone. Sex happens on the first date and "love" is slipped on like an old, comfy robe.

We want to be loved…to be in love. The alternative of being alone, even with a group of good friends, seems scary and even dysfunctional in today's world. Everyone's looking for an anchor, someone to check-in with at the end of the day. Even if you don't live with your current significant other, you want someone to care whether or not you call.

As a culture, we seem to be moving away from the fascination of easy sex with the "freedom" of no commitments. There's no question that a major part of our population still finds sex fun and fascinating. Good sexual interaction is a significant part of a solid relationship, but it's not a great substitute for a relationship, we're finding.

Still…relationships? They're conflicted and confusing and always complex. Sustaining a good relationship is difficult, but we crave them. Talk about them. Obsess over them. Chase them.

We want connection.

Today's twenty-somethings tend to see the excitement that was once aroused by the use of the word "love" to be silly. That particular word is frequently used in the first week or two of a relationship. The power that once came with a declaration of love is now over-used and thus, a devalued currency. The experience of being loved and in-love is still something we hunger for, though, but we don't have a clue how to find, or experience, actual love.

So, what's a lonely single to do? These days the answer seems to be--find someone who seems "nice" and get engaged while still in the rosy, romantic stage of dating.

Friends and family may privately know that this is a connection formed between strangers. They may even counsel against diving head first into marriage, but they're usually ignored or dismissed. Sadly, quick engagements often lead to quick marriages between people who don't know how to love one another.

The truth that makes us uncomfortable is that real love requires a knowledge of one another. You cannot love someone whom you do not know. It is impossible. The reality of this can lead to some tremendously sad discoveries.

Even if the girl you married isn't an axe murderer, you may find that she doesn't want the same life you do or she can't understand your relationship with your family or your particular style of communication. Love is a fascinating, gripping, fulfilling experience. It has to be given energy, in the form of communication, and action. It takes knowledge of one another.

Conflict resolution strengthens and solidifies good, healthy relationships. Conflict resolution takes real and true knowledge of yourself and your loved one.

Loving, committed relationships can be achieved, just not in a week or a month. Probably not even in six months. It can, however, be done.

Our Secrets

No matter how independent you are, other people are still important to you. While you may not want to, you care what others think. Even the most self-sufficient individuals still exist in a social world and there are moments when they struggle with both wanting to be known by others and fearing being known.

This ambivalence can be strongest when you are dealing with a secret that haunts you. Held close and never talked about, this secret can grow to become a tremendously heavy burden. While some Catholics fear and avoid the confessional booth, it also offers a private moment when you tell another human being your greatest secrets. In the Catholic belief, this secret is being received on God's behalf, but there is a human behind the confessional screen, too.

Secrets, however, reflect our fears that we really are unacceptable individuals and our shame is too great for others' to understand and forgive. This fear may come out of our own confusion regarding our behavior and our own conviction that we are flawed, deviant human beings. Sometimes the sense of shame is overwhelming.

Through the years, some individuals have become prolific diarists, writing volumes of private reflections and personal memoirs. While these contain more than secrets, they reflect a human desire to record, to share, something beyond our own minds. We long to be known. Keeping a diary, or these days blogging on-line, can help us sort through our feelings. In addition, we get to maintain a level of anonymity, of safety.

Private out-pourings in a very public arena. We long to be known.

Telling secrets can be a liberating experience. Just knowing that someone else knows, seems to ease our own self-condemnation. It also scares the hell out of us.

An ongoing community art project appears on-line at PostSecret.blogspot.com, serving a significant need for many. Accepting submissions through the mail, this website posts various creative, confessional works of postcard-sized art every week. Because it meets such a human need, the website has yielded two books of postcard confessions, some of which are whimsical and some heart-breaking. All of the secrets posted are intriguing and interesting. All reflect our human desire to be heard. We need someone to know us, even when we're too frightened to be known.

Respect for the Dating Single

Sometimes, dating sucks. The alternatives, however, are far worse. For those who aren't in committed relationships, the choices are dating or social celibacy. While sometimes frustrating and, at other times, hilarious, dating offers a host of personal development opportunities, the primary one being the possibility of finding a mate.

We must acknowledge respect for the dating single. It takes a certain courage to willingly engage in being open to possibilities which can have a wide range. The really attractive guy you met at the grocery store maybe a wonderful man or he could be an intimacy-avoider, a control freak or a pedophile. There's no way to tell until you know him a little better.

So with all those scary options, why date? Why not just be okay with being single?

While there may be some who disagree on the value of romantic relationships in general, research has shown that happy relationships enhance our personal and physical health. Individuals in successful relationships suffer fewer health problems and report greater personal contentment. Of course, a troubled marriage can add greatly to unhappiness.

Currently, individuals are racking up a greater number of marriages in trying to find one that meets personal expectations. There is among one group the tendency for a "starter" marriage. These first marriages are usually entered into very quickly and without the participants having any real knowledge of one another. More than anything, the quickie marriage exists to underscore the human desire for intimacy. Let's just call it intimate and maybe it will be, we say about the jumped-into relationship.

The divorce statistics, however, give testimony to the challenges inherent in this intimate, fascinating human experience. Learning how to be in a healthy relationship can be frustrating, emotionally-demanding and, if you seek professional help, expensive. But it is fascinating and gripping and entrancing when you develop the skills to connect with someone you love. However, the process of finding this someone--one who'll stay engaged in the process with you--can be difficult.

So, dating sucks. In the movie, Must Love Dogs, two intelligent, attractive singles struggle with loneliness and dating in this era. The heroine is appalled to find herself on a blind date with her own widowed father. Dating can be embarrassing and is probably best entered into with a strong sense of humor. It is, however, also fraught with intriguing and exciting possibilities.

Single individuals who don't allow the active possibility of developing relationships have opted out. If you've been out of your last relationship long enough to gain some perspective on it, you might find yourself hesitant to jump back into the dating pool. While this may seem tempting--particularly after a string of really bad dates or really hurtful relationships--you can't win the game if you don't play.

So, let's celebrate the dating single, the men and women who are risking their hearts and their Saturday nights in the effort to find compatible mates. Just opting out is losing out. You deserve better.

Craving Intimacy

We may not like other people sometimes, but we humans have a need for contact. We stumble in and out of bad relationships, tolerate unhealthy family interactions and struggle to find true friendships. Like it or not, human beings have a need for emotional intimacy. It's hard-wired into us, the urge for contact with others.

We like to eat together and to have people to whom we complain. Shared laughter is tremendously potent. Even the sexual experience is something most people prefer to share.

We crave connection to others, preferably who understand our feelings and experiences. Clumping together, we join sororities, clubs, self-help groups and churches. We need to interact with other people, to be involved in their lives and have them involved in ours. We bring casseroles when someone suffers a loss through death, we whisper when an acquaintance has a bad break-up, we even cry and gather around the television set when a small child in a town in Texas falls down a well.

We are human and we do not do well in isolation.

This said, we also struggle with interactions! There are people at work who drive us crazy. We get furious when driving in traffic--then we'd like to be the only people around! It is also likely that there are times we seriously long to be alone. This doesn't mean we don't need others, but we, unfortunately, don't always know what to do with them.

The divorce rate is high and we struggled to achieve long term, healthy relationships. Many people become cyclic singles, moving from one failed relationship to another. Loneliness is unfortunately common.

Consistent study, however, can teach us how to be with others. While there's no guarantee of any relationship developing into a lifelong connection, that's no reason to opt out. Do you know why your friendships or relationships have ended? Have any idea why you're finding yourself in the same spot again and again? This is a really difficult thing to understand. Usually, when a relationship is disrupting, we hurl accusations at one another. It's hard to learn much from ugly, hurtful comments and it's even harder to learn when nothing is said at all.

The challenge is to listen openly to others' feedback. Even when we feel defensive, we still need to hear what's being said. Defensive is normal when someone is telling us that everything is our fault. Don't stop there, though. Ask questions to try to really understand what the other person is telling you. "You always…" and "You never…" statements are hurled like spears. The hurt can be huge, but we still need to listen. The urge to argue back and "explain" our actions is strong. It's particularly difficult when others are saying hurtful, unpleasant things, but if we don't listen hard for the kernel of truth, we won't learn. It may be just a small part of what we're being accused of, but we need to understand what we've contributed to situations.

If you don't understand what you've contributed to the failed friendship--how you "failed" in the friendship--you won't learn how to function differently next time.

Craving intimacy--connection--drives our urge to join the Hell's Angels or a become a volunteer at a hospital. We need others and they need us. We just need to see how our behavior sometimes makes it harder for others to be with us.

Don't be too hard on yourself. Life is a work in process. You may not always enjoy the journey, but opting out ends all your choices. And choices mean possibilities.

Marriage Trouble?

Fighting all the time? The "good" times are really good, but the "bad" times are starting to make you wonder if you should leave? Contrary to our wishful thinking, good marriages aren't easy, but require a lot of work. Personal work. If you're not working on you, then the relationship is probably not good for you. It's easy to tell your mate what he should change. That's so clear it's glaring. Focusing on your own struggles--the moments when you do or say stupid things? That's harder.

Now, this is not to say your partner doesn't have some of her own work to do. The cliche that "Marriage is a two-way street" got to be a cliche because it's so true! Both of you are contributing to the frustrations. Both of you need to see what you can change in your own function.

In reality, marital issues start early. In therapy, couples in trouble can often track their issues back to the beginning of the relationship. Yet, here they are two, ten or twenty-five years later, having to deal with problems they'd just hoped would go away. Problems in relationships, however, don't just evaporate. This is perhaps the real reason to deal with relationship issues early, before it gets too complicated and way uglier. Delaying dealing with conflict wears away your affection for one another and just makes the problems bigger. It's no fun to talk about our conflicts, but there can be significant pay-offs to biting the bullet and addressing the hard problems now.

The one piece of advice married couples in trouble wish they'd heeded before they got married is the recommendations from friends and family to work out the significant issues before you get in too deep. Certainly, you need to do it before you plan a wedding.

A good marital union maybe rare, but it certainly isn't impossible. The best relationships are not easy, however. Here are some requirements to making it work:

1. A relationship in which you and your partner support one another in your endeavors is a must-have for future happiness. If developing a career in rocket science is your dream, your partner needs to behave--to act!--in a manner which supports this. Going to school for the long haul doesn't fit well with a spendthrift lifestyle.

2. Find a mate who really enjoys you. This may seem obvious, but many people marry individuals whom they don't really enjoy. There are other rewards in the relationship that may override this, but not generally healthy ones. Enjoyment of one another helps get you through the challenging moments that are part of personal growth. It's important to point out that laughter alone doesn't make for a life commitment, but it can definitely help.

3. Only invest in a relationship that fosters your best
qualities. Does he want you to drop out of school so you can travel with him more? Is she happiest when you have no relationship with your family? If a relationship brings out the worst in you, then you need to get out and find a good therapist to help you understand what attracted you to this, in the first place. Some relationships have bad personal choices as a foundation and will bring you nothing but unhappiness.

4. Shared values are a bedrock to enduring relationship
happiness. The five areas of biggest conflict in a
relationship--money, sex, children, in-laws and religion--are frequently based on values. Every relationship has conflict. It's part of life, but resolving conflicts is a heck of a lot easier if you and your mate have the same values. How your handle money is likely to bring some of the biggest conflicts. If one of you values financial stability and the other finds the idea of filing for bankruptcy acceptable...the relationship doesn't have a good prognosis.

You may be anal about being on time while he thinks appointments are just "approximate" times. He may be able to express his feelings at the drop of a hat while you'd rather visit the dentist than have one of those emotional conversations. Different personalities make for balanced relationships. Yes, there are conflicts, but you'll have the
ingredients to work them out. It can be very functional to have different perspectives, but you need to want the same basic kind of life.

People divorce over a variety of reasons. Sometimes, you have major conflict-resolution issues that have slowly corroded the love in the relationship. Sometimes, significant values are trampled. Marriage is a challenging, difficult, intriguing experience. Make sure you give yours a real shot. It's important to note---if you're not already married, start seriously working now on the issues in the relationship.

If you've already taken the plunge, you really need to start dealing with issues. It only gets uglier and harder if you wait.

Sex: Hormones and Hope

Done right, sex feels good, but have you ever woken up the next morning and wondered what you were thinking? The truth is you probably weren't thinking.

There are some good reasons for engaging in sexual activity. The triad of hormones, relationship and potential fun is the best scenario. We won't address the fun issue here. If you're not having fun when you're having sex, some serious thought needs to be given as to 1.) why you are having sex, and 2.) why you're not having fun when you're having it.

Lots of people find the experience of sex in a relationship to be complicated by the relationship part. They tend to seek disconnected sex and, while that has it's own challenges, we also aren't talking here about deliberately disconnected sex.

So, let's get to emotions and sex: sex when you feel like it, sex pretty much without thought.

Don't.

Many individuals really want a relationship. Lots of these folks are also doing the horizontal mambo with various people upon first acquaintance. You can't, however, create a relationship out of hormones and wishes. Relationships grow when two people know one another and we can't place too much emphasis on the word know. If the big five conflicts in relationships are money, sex, children, in-laws and religion, then you need to know how a possible mate actually believes in these areas.

This is not something you find out in the first two hours of an acquaintance, or in the first two weeks, no matter how much time you spend on the phone. There are people--both men and women--who struggle with the emotional complexities of relationships. For them, doing "the deed" is a pretty good approximation. If you can't develop a relationship, you can tell yourself that you're looking for a mate. Part of the search, you say, involves diving into a sexual interchange. And you're always attracted to the person--you like them to some degree--or you wouldn't be having sex.

But is this individual, with whom you're hopefully wearing a condom, going to be a good parent? Going to share your financial plans or goals? Going to go to church with you, if that's something you care about? While condoms are a vital part of today's sexual landscape, their existence underscores the reality that folks are having sex with strangers. You don't know your partner most of the time.

And don't kid yourself…you won't know that person after three or six dates. Knowing takes some time.

You can rack up quite a sexual history if you have sex with every potential mate. Delaying sexual gratification has some merit.

Don't have sex just because you feel like it. Feeling sexually attracted is a good thing--a really good thing--but attraction is a lousy foundation for a future. Before you whip off your clothes or whip out your equipment, know the other person. Make a decision to be sexual and make it with your priorities in mind.

Parenting Teens

You love them. They're your kids and there's nothing you wouldn't do for them. If they needed a kidney or someone to snatch them from in front of a speeding car, you wouldn't hesitate.

The day-to-day moments are more challenging, however.

The developmental tasks of the teen years involve learning to create successful relationships…and they frequently decide that doesn't really include their relationship with you. In addition to dealing with friends and dating, your teen's biggest push is to learn to live without you.

You know your job is to help them become independent adults. They need to learn things like how to do well in school, to be considerate of others and, heck, to be a good employee with their first part-time jobs. These are the true paths to independence, but they're not usually teens' big concerns.

They want to make their own decisions. Sometimes scary decisions.

Typically, teens push their boundaries -- the very ones you've so carefully set up to protect them. They want to live their own lives, pick their own friends and play their own music. You might actually like the music, but you'd like the kid to be more consistent. If he wants to be his own boss, then he needs to stop counting on you to provide every little frill for him. Independence comes with learning to make your own money. Learning to handle your own screw-ups.

Teens are huge contradictions. Like earlier developmental stages --they want to scream at you to let them live their own lives…and come crying home to you when some girl is saying bad things about them on-line. Parents can be excused for some confusion.

That doesn't mean, however, that you get to throw up your hands, walk away and let them make messes of their lives. While you don't need to control your child's every move, you do need to refrain from making it easy for the kid to be stupid.

Parents have their hearts in the right place, but not always their heads. One of the ways you equip your children is to make the latest technology available. And that's good. You want to make sure, though, that the kid can handle it and that you don't make it easy for her to isolate from the family. Televisions and computers need to be kept in public, family areas, not bedrooms. The issues regarding on-line dangers are clear. Bad things can happen to teens making "friends" on the internet.

Don't give them too much unsupervised freedom. It's risky. Keeping televisions out of their bedrooms isn't about predators or "bad" shows. It's about communication opportunities. Kids who share televisions with adults have a greater chance of talking about what they're watching on TV. You want them to talk to you. Really.

Cell phones are seen by many parents as a leash. Somehow they think if they give the kid a phone, they can control the kid's behavior. This couldn't be more untrue. There are always reasons not to answer your calls--"the battery died" or "I couldn't get cell reception" if they don't want to talk to you. Remember, just because you can get your kid on the phone doesn't mean the kid isn't doing scary things. Get them a cell phone, but keep a close eye on where they're going and who and when they're talking. Middle of the night phone calling when you're asleep isn't uncommon.

The teen years are exciting, maddening, exhausting times to parent. It is understandable how teen mood swings and power struggles can seem to be not worth the trouble. Don't give up, though. Stick to your parenting guns. Remember, one day they'll be on their own and you really do want them prepared.

Phobia and Emotion

Emotions are funny things. Are you listening to yours? Some people seem to swim in an emotional world. They make their choices based on their gut feelings and they can tell you three or four emotions they're having at any given moment. This level of emotional awareness, however, can seem negative and overwhelming to some. They see others who are bogged down by feelings. Emotions are given full rein by some and this can seem like a very scary, unstable way to live.

For more cognitively-oriented individuals, emotions are better tucked away to be pulled out for special occasions or when they've had a few drinks. There are, however, some drawbacks to shoving feelings so far out of your consciousness.

We humans are by nature a mix of emotion and cognition. We need both functions to live safe, healthy, fulfilling lives. While a thoughtful decision is frequently very valuable, disconnecting from your feelings isn't a good idea. Certain kinds of information that are delivered in the "package" of emotion. Feelings can let you know important responses you're having in situations. If you're having anxiety attacks before making a commitment to a big venture with another individual, you need to take a look at your feelings. Sometimes you have to trust an emotional impression and you definitely need to be aware of what you feel.

Feelings are not concrete reality. They do not even always accurately reflect reality, but they're still very important and you need to be aware them.

Studies are finding that victims of violent crime frequently report having a sense of danger at a fairly early point in the danger situation and that they tended to override this. We need to listen to what we feel and, sometimes, to really attend to our gut instincts. You don't have to let yourself be sucked into an place of total emotion, you just need to be aware of what you feel. Know what you feel so you have access to this part of yourself. It's all about balance.

Sudden, overwhelming emotion is frequently your mind's way to get your attention and help you look more closely at how you're living your life. Anxiety or panic attacks can be a sign of feelings that deserve your attention. Many individuals are so gripped by these episodes that they have difficulty living their day-to-day lives. The physical symptoms can be overwhelming. Shortness of breath and cardiac arrhythmias always need a medical evaluation. They can also be a sign of emotional situations that need attention.

If you're having some of these difficulties and you've been cleared of physical problems by a physician, you need to look at the purpose of the attacks. Maybe you need to listen more to yourself. Panic attacks can be a sign of lack of faith in your own capabilities to handle life. They can also be a signal that you're not paying enough attention to your emotional experience. Which ever of these is triggering the intense physical and emotional sensations being experienced, you need to find some understanding.

Panic attacks are scary, debilitating episodes…and they can be a message.

Scared of Your Anger?

Why of all human emotions do we feel the need to "manage" anger? There are no classes to help you avoid the mistakes you make under the influence of joy or confusion, and let's be real, sometimes they're bad choices. The emotion of anger, however, is associated with bad behavior, like beating the crap out of your romantic rival…and sometimes even the one you love. For many, anger equates to acting out destructively. Sadness, fear, inadequacy, depression--these are feelings you don't always enjoy, but they aren't nearly as upsetting to most people as anger.

The problem isn't the anger. Anger is not a bad emotion. Sometimes it's very appropriate.

Feel the feeling. It's okay. You don't automatically act nuts just because you're upset. Life normally brings a range of feelings to everyone. It's natural to get irritated, annoyed or frustrated, just as you get dismayed, bewildered and giddy. The problem isn't the emotion; the problem is how you respond to feeling. Destructive behaviors are unacceptable, not feelings. Yes, you want to put your fist through the wall when you find your girlfriend cheated on you. You may even have the urge to scream at her until she's deaf.

There are much better alternatives.

You don't like feeling angry--or sad or confused, for that matter--but emotions can be very helpful. They bring information, they help us see changes we need to make. Feelings can shove you into recognizing what's going on with you.

If you have a highly stressful job that doesn't add to your general sense of well-being, you need to take action, not kick the boss' rear end. Feeling angry a lot should tell you to attend to this. Make a change! You probably have a lot of reasons why you have to stay in this job. In fact, you'd probably argue that you have no choice.

Feeling like you have no choice is one of the biggest fuels for over-the-top anger. No one likes to be trapped. Whether in a job or in a relationship, you need to see a way to make your life better. You need to feel some control over your own experience. Make sure you are looking at all your options. Scaling back your financial commitments to enable you to find more agreeable work is an option you've probably dismissed. Look at it again. In fact, look at all your options again, even the ones that seem unacceptable at first.

Take your feelings into account.

Life decisions--jobs, relationships, family issues--are best made out of logic as well as emotion, but you need to feel your feelings in order to see the whole picture.

Studies show, again and again, that your physical well-being is greatly impacted by how you live your emotional life. You don't have to be overwhelmed or driven by your feelings, but you need to feel them.

Divorce Realities

"I care about him," she said, "but I'm just not in love with him anymore. We fight a lot of the time and the feeling between isn't there anymore."

Should you divorce?

Shauna and Parker(not their real names) married right out of college and started careers. After several years, they bought a house in a "good" neighborhood and started a family…six years later, they got tired of the same arguments that flared up, circling around without resolution, and the love between them slowly died. They both loved their kids and neither wanted a broken family, but sometimes it happens. Getting divorced was a way to end the constant fighting. Divorce meant a change in their lifestyles--no more hanging out with other couples on the block--and then there's the reality of single parenthood.

If you're considering a divorce, make sure you're clear on what it means.

Marriage is tremendously complicated. Living with another human being is one of the two most challenging things we humans attempt. The other is raising kids. Both involve the desire to mesh multiple perspectives into a harmonious life. You just want to get along and enjoy one another, but too frequently this isn't the case

If you're considering leaving your marriage, you need to be very clear on the realities of divorce. Your spouse may leave the dishes in the sink for days at a time and he may not want sex as often as you do, but are you prepared to end all contact with him? In today's world, divorce can mean hanging on to a friendship with your former mate. This usually happens when both of you have moved on to new relationships--that diminishes the "hoping to get back together" factor.

More frequently, divorce brings anger and resentment.

You need to ask yourself if you dislike your partner enough to totally disconnect from him and have him out of your life. Or, if you have children together, just do the co-parenting divorce thing together. Are you also ready for the challenges of parenthood on your own if you have kids? Even if you and your ex manage to stop hating each other, those kids are going home with just you. Twenty-four hours a day, sometimes seven days a week, they'll be yours. Of course, Christmas and Thanksgiving will sometimes be child-less days. Divorced couples who share kids can sometimes quiet the anger in the best interests of the children. Sometimes not. Arguments over money and parenting frequently continue after the marriage is severed.

So, are you ready for this union to end? Divorce sucks.

No, these aren't good reasons to stay in an unhappy marriage. They are, however, reasons to ask yourself if your marriage -- and the affection which was initially there -- is worth another shot. Try counseling with a skilled therapist before you've worn each other down to the point that you don't care anymore.

Divorced spouses don't usually hang out together, so there are good things about your mate that you won't have access to anymore. Parenting after a divorce can also be a shock. The truth is that once you're not in your ex-mate's life, you don't have much say-so with her anymore. You may point out that you are still the child's parent, too. Most parents feel they should be able to have some input into how their ex- behaves with their child. You don't. You don't have any say in whether or not your mate dates a lot and introduces your child to every passing fancy. You, also, don't have any power to insist on a specific parenting style or even who keeps your child when it's your ex's weekend.

Bad marriages suck, too. No one should stay in one…unless the marriage can be improved significantly. Learning to work out the issues is ideal. It is a fact that both partners have to want to make a relationship work to pull a failing relationship on to healthy ground, but giving up on it too quickly is sad.

Getting What You Want

"Whenever he slips in his own crap," Neal said of his younger brother, "he always seems to fall in clover."

Ever wonder why others seem to get promotions even when their work is no better than yours? They get raises and dates with really hot women, while your life is unexciting and half the time you can't get lucky to save your soul? Maybe you're okay in the date department and your job is going pretty well, but you feel you can't manage to get the respect or recognition you deserve.

Neal's brother, whom he loves, had just gotten fired from a good job. His brother didn't particularly deserve the axe, but even when circumstances led to him having to leave his chosen field and seek another job, Neal's brother ended up making twice the money.

Some people call it luck, but you don't know how to get some of your own. It may seem like you just can't catch a break. There are others who screw-up and still seem to do really well.

Maybe you need to learn how to get what you want. You need empowerment! While life involves disappointment and frustration at moments for us all, you need to find the mindset that will enable you to work toward and achieve your goals. First off, you need to ponder the reality that you can make some things different in your world. Really different. It may not seem like it, but you have power over most aspects of your life. You make choices that bring certain results. While it can feel like crap when these results aren't what you want, the upside of taking responsibility for the stuff you don't like is that you can change it! The word "responsibility" sometimes has a negative quality to it. Your father held your report card in his hand while demanding when you were going to take some responsibility for your life? And you don't usually want to raise your hand when your boss demands, "Who's responsible for this fiasco?" I mean, who would?

There's a secret most don't know, however, responsibility may suck, but it goes hand-in-hand with power. We love power! Sometimes the "P" word has a bad connotation, but aren't we fascinated with the thought of having real power? One of our big lottery dreams involves telling the boss to "take this job and shove it!"

Personal power is unavoidably linked to responsibility. You can make a difference--not get exactly what you want in every situation, but get more of what you want in most situations. If you want advancement in your career, go back to school. Yes, school can suck and you have to make sure the degree you're getting actually earns you more, but you know that degrees, rightly or wrongly, get more play in the job market. If your relationship is struggling--or just isn't going where you want--embrace the notion of change. You can change you and that changes the relationship. It may not be exactly the way you'd most prefer, but it could the better in the long run.

Taking the power in a situation involves looking at your actions, choosing the behavior that gives you the options you want. If you work hard to get good grades in class, you'll generally endear yourself to your teachers. Teachers love students who care about their school work. Really.

Know your own power. When you pass the buck, you're passing more than the blame. You're passing up the chance to make things the way you want them to be.

Getting Over It

So you had a thing and now she won't talk to you and you don't really give a flip 'cause talking won't make a damn bit of difference anyway. It never does. She says the same things and you end up saying the same things because she apparently didn't hear you when you said them before.

It's just better to go your separate ways for a while and just forget about it, right? What's the point of talking anyway? You just end up fighting.

Wrong. Getting over it without some real understanding and resolution of the problem between the two of you is fantasy. When you fight and give each other the silent treatment until someone gets tired of being mad and starts acting like it never happened, bad stuff is actually happening to the relationship. I know this sounds crazy, but when you start acting like you never had an argument, you're actually giving up on the resolution process.

The question you really need to ask is, Am I really resolved with this? And, Is my mate really resolved?

Do the same arguments keep popping up? Are you yelling the same things at one another? And most importantly, do you feel heard? Repetitive arguments are a sign that the last one didn't take. And this is a bad thing. Every time you circle around a conflict without sticking through the disagreement until you both find some resolution, a piece of your love dies.

You may get tired of arguing. You probably feel like fighting doesn't get you anywhere, but blowing it off is the worst thing you can do. Eventually, one or both of you is going to get really tired of not feeling important or listened to. This dysfunctional communication style can be found when dealing with various issues in a relationship. It almost always signals the eventual end of a relationship. Its not the arguing that leads to the end, but the walking away from an issue that never gets really settled.

"We just agreed to disagree," couples will say and this is okay if we're talking favorite bands or foods. It doesn't work well, however, if the fight is over money--our money--kids or housework. You have to find some way to hear the other person and you sure as heck need to feel like he or she is hearing you. Otherwise, you won't experience being important or loved. After all, when someone loves you, they care what you think. They care about the things that are important to you.

So, learn to fight. Communicate! Listen to your partner and insist on him or her listening to you.

Insomnia and Extraversion

Do you lie awake at night, wondering why you can't fall asleep? Can't stop thinking about your day or a television show you watched? Sleep challenges might have more to do with your personality than your brain.

A good thing about being extraverted is that you generally find new situations to be interesting and easy and you aren't particularly uncomfortable meeting new people. You also like being in groups and usually feel energized by social interactions. The drawback to being out-going, however, is that it can be difficult to turn off your brain off at night.

Sleep difficulties are becoming a national problem with more individuals taking sleep aid drugs and more functioning at a chronic sleep deficit. Studies show an increasing number of traffic accidents are caused by people who go to sleep at the wheel. Sometimes these problems with sleepiness--caused by sleeplessness--are caused by over-full days and too much to get done. Americans' average amount of sleep per night is falling from the eight to nine hours we used to get several decades ago to current six hours a night.

Sometimes, however, in addition to crammed schedules, some people just can't turn their brains off when they do lie down to sleep. If you rule out physical problems, sleep difficulties are frequently be caused by emotional stresses. Your job's a hassle or your marriage is on the rocks. But when all these externals are okay and you still can't sleep, the problem may be that you don't know how to shift to an internal experience of relaxation.

Many people have poor sleep routines. They always go to bed with the television on or they eat heavy meals late in the day. But even if you don't stimulate yourself by exercising late at night and you know to keep your bedroom at a comfortable temperature, you still might not be able to sleep. If so, you might want to ask yourself if the problem is related to your habit of always seeking external stimuli. People who are significantly extroverted can be afraid of the dark, afraid of being alone and afraid of dying. All moments when the external world is shut off and you're alone with yourself. Now, the dying thing is understandable. Lots of people are afraid of that, but put these anxieties all together and you might have an under-developed inner self.

If you've always got the television on, always play the radio in the car and have your ipod or your cell phone glued to your ear throughout the day, you may need to learn something about silence. Extraverted folks don't usually see the point of silence. It isn't so much that you have to learn yoga or become a Zen Buddhist, but silence is pretty much a necessity if you're going to learn to hear your own thoughts.

Sleep is an internal experience. You can't take anyone with you. In order to sleep, you must be alone in your own head. This doesn't have to be a scary thing. Self-awareness can be liberating and can offer you a source of personal information that human beings need. Situation after situation requires us to hear our own gut reactions. There is evidence that if we listen to our own thoughts, feelings, and reactions, we can make better decisions.

So get used to your own personal silence. Its only scary at first. Many people actually crave being alone and there's a reason for this. If you can shift into yourself to be aware of your internal, you'll more easily be able to disconnect from external stressors…and will more easily fall asleep. Better than drugs…learn to listen to yourself.

Cement Your Relationship

Want to lessen the possibility of a break-up? Does the thought of getting a divorce make you queasy? With correct care and feeding, your relationship can prosper and flourish indefinitely. You need to pay attention not only to the one you love, but to yourself, as well.

We live in a time of rapid relationship turn-over. Despite the climbing divorce rate(and that doesn't include the broken relationships that weren't ever legalized), people are still getting married. They are marrying younger and, over a lifetime, racking up more broken marriages. Some sources claim the wedding industry is a $70 billion dollar business. More and more of these are remarriages.

Still, we crave permanence in relationships. You want to keep loving the one you love. And you want him to keep loving you. Ironically, the very thing you try to avoid in your relationship can actually help to bond your relationship together. If you want preventive maintenance in your marriage, fight.

Argue, but do it well.

The primary way to avoid a break-up is to deal with disagreements as they come up. Don't let these fester! This means more than making kissy face and offering the automatic apology. Don't apologize if you don't think you screwed up. Instead, you need to talk about it. If you understand that even people who're really in love sometimes disagree, you can work towards seeing her side of things and getting her to understand how you see things. Really seeing the other guy's point of view is crucial.

One of the big barriers here is that you both think your view of whatever conflict situation is completely accurate. Even if you "agree to disagree"-- which is a total side-stepping of the issue--you still haven't reached understanding. Ask yourself why your mate believes or feels strongly about the issue. More importantly, ask your mate this! Then listen. Listen really hard. Her perspective has validity. She's got some valid points and you acknowledging this doesn't mean you're wrong. You most likely both have good points.

A crucial part of resolving conflict in a relationship is knowing why you're upset. Really work on knowing yourself. If you don't understand why you're miffed, how can you expect her to?

Even if one of you did mess up, you had a reason for what you did and that reason needs to be explored. Even if the action or statement was screwed up, you had a reason for doing what you did. Understanding why you feel the way you do and act the way you do can loosen the deadlock. Suddenly, you're not cemented in your opposition. If you're working to understand each other, you're both actually on the same side. Everything is flip-flopped and you're not battling anymore.

This doesn't mean you agree with everything your partner is saying. Some of it will be crap, just basically not true stuff. He may believe things about you--why you said what you said, how you felt about something--that's flat out wrong. Not because he hates you and thinks you’re the devil, but because he's not remembering how much you want him to be okay. You want the best for her, right? Sometimes, this can be hard to remember.

So, get into the battle. Talk about it. Listen to what she's saying. Try very hard to see the other guy's point of view. Don't make the mistake of thinking that conflict just goes away. It doesn't. It goes underground and festers, which is a really bad thing if you want the relationship to continue.

Talk about your disagreements. It's that or eventually call a lawyer and no one really wants to go there.

Over-Parenting

Are you robbing your child? Sapping his independence? Maybe you should stop rescuing.

You love your kids! You give them everything you can. You'd kill anyone who hurt them…but can parenting be over-done? Are you giving them too much stuff? Doing too much for them? Stepping in to save them when they've done something foolish? It’s a sad fact that even though your motives are based on the strongest love, you might be undermining your children.

We give extravagantly to our children at Christmas and throw them big birthday parties. But children can be given too much--protected too much--and, sadly, get the message that they aren't able to earn for themselves. You never meant to say that, but aren't you conveying by your actions that they need someone to step in and make it all okay? This "rescue" mentality comes from our desire for their lives to always be wonderful. It is a reality, however, that challenges must be met in life. You may not like this reality--I don't like it much myself--but grappling with difficulties and succeeding is how we all learn. It is, also, how we learn that we're pretty smart. We meet challenges and sometimes fail, but we also sometimes overcome and that's an amazing feeling.

If you want your kids to be and feel strong, let them deal with the consequences of their choices.

You might be thinking, Aren't parents supposed to protect their kids? Isn't that in the job description? Sure. The hard part, however, is finding the balance between protection and being over-protective. Having mom or dad step in for kids can signal to them that they can't do it themselves. So, you need to be really sure when you do the parental thing that your kids can't actually do it for themselves. Bad grade in school? Maybe the kid needs to talk to the teacher herself... with you there so you'll know what is happening.

Kids desperately need to learn responsibility and this is even bigger than whether or not they clean their rooms. Parents tend to want to step in to help their children, but rescuing them from the results of their own choices can actually tell them that their behavior doesn't matter. It doesn't count! You may lecture them on thinking before they act, but are you continually giving them second chances? He didn't finish his homework, you might think, but if he doesn't play this high school football game, he might not make it to the pros.

Your son may have the talent to play professional football, but will he have the basic life skills to be a success? Or will he end up, like many athletes, making financial or legal choices that get him on the news in a bad way? Love your kids by letting them make their choices and letting them deal with the consequences. Start when they're young and the choices are naturally much smaller. The consequences aren't so life altering.

Let the kid wear what he wants even if it doesn't match. As long as he's weather-appropriate and size-appropriate, maybe it doesn't matter. Allow him the choice so he gets used to making choices. Let your daughter keep her room the way she wants, even if it doesn't match your idea of cleanliness. She may eventually realize that she can find stuff when her room is clean.

Remember the big picture. It's more important to help them learn to make choices than what other people may think about you as a parent. Is making sure other people think you're a good parent your biggest concern? Let the kids wear mismatched clothing and trash their rooms, if they want. Allow them some choices. Over-parenting tends to be controlling and, even if you don't want your neighbors and relatives to think you're a pig who can't match clothing, how the kids reflect on you isn't the biggest concern.

Children need to figure out that they are making choices and as they get older, those choices can effect the rest of their lives. It's your job to function as a support person--and this can be challenging in itself. Help them fill out their college applications. Always be ready to help if they have homework questions. Make sure your own life isn't in too much chaos. Be available, but don't make your kids' choices for them and don't let them forget that the choices they're making are going to create the lives they live.

Gangbangers & Sorority Sisters

Everybody needs a friend or two…and friendship is almost as difficult to find these days as love. To be rootless and disconnected is bad for your health and your emotional life. We want to belong. To be connected to others who are like us or, at least, to those who appreciate and value us. Love us, maybe a little.

In today's world, more families are in disarray. Scarred by unhealthy interactions or built on hope rather than true affection. Families are too frequently cobbled together from transient relationships--half-siblings and step-siblings and "sort of" siblings from relationships that never made it to matrimony. Its no wonder we want to find a place to belong.

Thus, we find an almost universal urge to find a non-family place to belong. Many kids from lower socio-economic backgrounds seek solace in joining gangs. Say what you will about the destructivity of the lifestyle--and there's a lot to say--there's also a sense of connectivity, a place to fit. People who'll protect you and stand up for you. It may seem nuts, but a gang membership can feel like the safest place a kid can be.

Those from a higher socio-economic background might find a similar sense of belonging in a group experience that fills the same needs. Fraternities and sororities address the urge for connection and they come with their own set of rules and requirements. Gangs cultivate a tougher, more anti-social image than college-associated groups, but the basic rites of membership aren't that different. While most college frats and sororities don't go in for the type of physically-demeaning hazing that made the news a few years ago, the sense of brother- or sisterhood is a major draw for these groups.Loyalty is stressed and demanded.

Churches are recognizing the need for friendships and a trend toward small "home" church groups responds to this. The drive toward human connections seems built into our DNA. Even people who hate the hassles that come with allowing others into their lives still admit that being totally alone sucks.

Friendships, for some, is the new place that feels like "home." Shared activities and shared lifestyles give us a sense of security and of having a place we fit. Family is too frequently a battle ground of unresolved emotion and unfulfilled expectations. Just look at the angst mixed with hope that descends on most people as the holiday season approaches. Home furnishings and home décor purchases rise during this time of year because we want our family members--however you define "family"--to be impressed when they stop by for holiday gift exchanges or dinner. The experience of family can be fraught with complications. Many of us feel a strong need to impress those who are supposed to know and love us best.

Truthfully, all human interaction brings the possibility of betrayal and pain, as well as, tremendous comfort and belonging--sometimes all mixed together. Still, disconnection is not good for us. Isolation makes physical illness more likely and generally adds to the stress we feel. Whether you frequent a bar where "everyone knows your name," find a church to attend or join a group that goes sailing every weekend, be aware of your own values and the values of the group you're in. The need for connection and a sense of "rootedness" is powerful and pervasive. You don't, however, gain much by joining a group that requires you to function in a way that doesn't add to your well-being.

We need to belong, but we need to go into relationships with our eyes open. Friendships can be a source of tremendous warmth and emotional gratification, but they shouldn't require sacrificing your beliefs in order to belong. Make sure that you're taking care of yourself, as well as, your friendships.

Holiday Dread

Most people hate the crowds at the mall and for many hearing Christmas carols in October seems like a reason for whacking the first Santa-suited fool spotted. For some, however, the season brings more than the occasional small annoyance. Many people find the holidays to be a season to be survived like a bad dream on drugs.

Not a joyful time for all, this yearly insanity can underline the jarring difference between what your family relationships are supposed to be and what they really are. You may wish for relatives to spend happy times with around the fire and close friends who play silly board games together. Instead, many have relatives who get drunk and say rude things and people who are supposed to love us, but still get us gifts they know we'll hate.

This is, unfortunately, not always a happy time of year. Expectations frequently clash with reality.

There's a reason why we drink too much and spend too much around the holidays. Year after year, those of us who work in the helping professions see a pattern. People, who came to us earlier in the year in dire need of help with their relationships, suddenly don't have time for therapy. They have too many things to do to get ready for the holidays. They're going to be HAPPY, by God. Too often the calls we do get are from those individuals who are struggling to find a reason to keep living.

January is usually door-buster time in the therapy business.

At few other times in the year are the trimmings associated with happy, healthy relationships more celebrated. Most people do try. We spend money to upgrade our home décor--relatives and friends will be coming over! we say. Buy the new furniture! Carpet the house! We spend way too much money and charge too much on our credit cards for gifts for those individuals we want to feel loved, or those we want to love, but can't quite get there. We eat too much, drink too much, and try to get too much done.

People work really hard to feel great at this time of year.

If you dread seeing your relatives, first, examine your own expectations and then look at how you're responding to the expectations others have of you. You might actually be wrong about what they're expecting. Checking out the reality of someone else's thoughts and wishes is always a good idea. Ask them what they think the season should be like. If others do expect behavior from you that aren't healthy or don't fit what you're really feeling, resist the urge to conform "just for the holidays." The season is a lousy reason to force behavior you don't want to do.

Don't succumb to the fantasy that people you can't stand the rest of the year will become lovable for these few weeks in December. Be reasonable in what you need to anticipate from others and what you can do yourself.

Many women's magazines publish articles every year on how not to get overwhelmed by all the stuff you have to do. The food to be cooked, the gifts to be bought, the costumes to be made(or purchased) for whatever kid in whatever holiday program. Why at this time to celebrate peace and joy on earth--for many religions and the non-religious as well--do we dread the holidays? Why do we try so hard to be especially happy even when we're not in the happiest of situations?

Maybe its time to accept the reality of your relationships and shoot for more reasonable expectations. Doing this takes some of the pressure off you and others. While it's understandable to want to feel very loved and very loving, table decorations and the perfect cranberry sauce won't do it. Relationships that are conflicted don't magically get better at Christmas(despite what all the Christmas movies are selling). Don't just scale back your excessive, emotional spending, work on looking objectively at yourself(hard to do!) and the people in your life. If you have a broken or bruised relationship that needs work, work on it. Don't expect a Christmas miracle. Relationships are complicated, but they can definitely be fixed if both individuals involved are willing to put forth some effort.

Unhealthy interactions don't heal magically over eggnog. Tinsel and just the right gift don't really heal hurt feelings. Gifts can be fun, both getting and giving. Living in excess to try to make something better, however, isn't good for your health, your budget or your heart. Step outside the myth we've created about the holidays. If it was bad before the holiday season and nothing is done beyond the gift and dinner trappings, its going to be bad after the holidays are over. That's just a fact.

Tell yourself, you're going to enjoy the quiet pleasures that can be found at this time of year and let go of the dread. Do the things you enjoy doing and let the rest go. If you like to decorate, do it for the fun you get out of it. Listen to Christmas carols, drive around looking at lights. Enjoy the the warmth of a religious service. Stop pressuring yourself to produce the perfect holiday. It just doesn't work. If you're angry, depressed and crabby, your loved ones won't enjoy the perfect meal you baked or thank you for the perfect gift you found. And if you can't afford it, giving the big ticket gift won't yield you anything beyond a momentary pleasure and a painful credit card bill in January.

The holidays can be an enjoyable time to do different kinds of things than we normally do. Make this season an enjoyable time by facing it realistically and stop dreading what you feel you're supposed to be doing.

Relationship Ammo

Sometimes relationships can feel like a battlefield and all you want is some peace. You smooth things over, trying to avoid any subject that's trouble. Still, in a day or a week, fireworks start up again and the two of you are exchanging ugly words and accusations. The fighting may spring up out of nothing and it can wear you down.

If you were sitting in a therapist's office and she asked you why the two of you are still together, you'd probably mumble something about the kids or the years you put into the relationship. Then, you might say, "Well, I do really love him" or "When she's not yelling at me, there's no one I'd rather be with."

The trouble isn't the arguments. Conflict happens in every relationship. The difference is how you deal with it. I sometimes see couples in counseling who rush to tell me that they never argue. You may be surprised to learn that that's not a good thing. Conflict can either be overt or covert. If its out in the open you have a better chance of finding resolution, but open conflict doesn't mean calling one another names. Name-calling is a pointless waste of time that's only satisfying for the moment and only happens when you don't know how to work through problems.

So, where's the ammo? The very best ammunition to take to battle with the one you love is a knowledge of yourself. For relationship conflict to be effectively resolved, you need to have some idea of what works for you. You need to know how and when you feel loved by your partner. You also need to know why the things he does drive you crazy. Most folks tend to fall into the habit of thinking, "Of course that makes me nuts. It would make anyone nuts!"

Wrong. This is very personal and you're the person you need to question first. Why does it bother you that he always wants his buddies over to the house? Do you think he likes them better than you and doesn't really want to spend time with you alone? Or do you just need some quiet time at home without always hosting a party? Know yourself. Communicating with your partner is much, much easier if you have an idea why the things that bother you bother you so much.

Don't think that she knows how you feel about things and just doesn't care that her volunteering to work on the weekends really upsets you. If you get to my office and I ask you why you're still with your partner, you'll probably tell me that you love one another. People who don't love one another don't usually call a therapist, they look up divorce lawyers or movers.

So, know what you need, but don't think it stops there. Once you've figured out why things bother you, you need to know how to communicate this. I'm not talking about giving your partner a list of "don'ts." Much though you may sometimes want to, you don't get to control the one you love. What works much better is to share with your partner the thoughts and feelings you have when he exhibits certain behaviors. "When you do this, I feel…." This statement can help to avoid blaming (which makes her defensive and makes it harder for her to hear what you're saying). It also helps you get to an understanding of what's going on in the relationship.

Understanding yourself and your loved one may not clear up all the problems, but it’s a heck of a good start. When the two of you know yourselves and each other, the heat of the argument tends to be reduced. In a non-attacking moment of understanding, resolution can be crafted.

Knowing yourself and learning how to share what's happening with you (without blame) is the very best relationship ammo.

Love Lies

Don't kid yourself that your relationship is different. Love rarely includes total honesty. In fact, life involves various levels of untruth. Most of us learn as kids that its safer to lie in a variety of situations. We lie to protect ourselves from bad consequences. Lying seems like the best idea in these situations. This is not usually reality, but it often seems like a good plan.

The less-powerful tend to lie to whomever is perceived as more-powerful.

Many people feel strongly about honesty and truth in love relationships. They define "love" as having someone who doesn't lie to them. If you can't believe what your lover says, how can you know that they love you? So, lying is bad. But what about so-called "white lies." The occasional social lie that we tell ourselves doesn't hurt anyone and may, in fact, keep them and us from ugly, unnecessary realities. Then, there are the things we tell people to take care of them, to make them okay. If we don't want a friend or lover to feel bad, we say, "You look great in that outfit" when they really, really don't. It depends on your point-of-view whether or not this is truly kind.

Then there are relationship dishonesties. You might assure your lover that you're okay with a situation when it truly rankles in your soul. It can seem like the noble thing to do, but doesn't your partner need to know if you have a problem with a situation? Don't you, at least, need to understand what's bothering you?

Its less noble, but just as true that you may also lie sometimes to your mate get off your back. You love her, but sometimes she bugs you or freaks out about nothing. If you tell her the truth, it'll just end up in a pointless argument, you reason. Better to just not get into it.

Not really.

Avoiding arguments by dishonesty will eventually come back and bite you on the tushie. Sooner or later, your mate will find you out in your lie and then the argument you were trying to avoid is really big. This kind of lie goes right to the core of a relationship and leaves your lover wondering if anything you've told him is true.

Then, there are the lies we tell ourselves about our love relationships. These are perhaps the worst. Relationships are never uncomplicated. Think about it--you are a very complex, unique individual. Your mate is also a unique individual. Now, let's put those complexities in an intimate relationship and we have…lots of interesting situations. Life gives you many situations and everyone of them impacts not only you, but your mate, as well. Its like driving a semi with two huge trailers. You can only directly control the engine--yourself, and that's sometimes difficult! But those who are connected to you--the ones who love you--are impacted by where you turn, impacted by your choices.

Honesty really is the best policy in relationships, not because of any moral reason, but because you lie for lousy reasons. You want to side-step issues in the relationship that need to be dealt with or you don't want to see the reality of the relationship. Maybe you don't want to be alone, or you hate the dating/mating process, so you stay in a bad situation…and you lie to yourself that its "okay." Lying is almost always a sign of trouble. If you find yourself dodging the truth, better do some soul-searching and figure out why.

Love--seriously real love--doesn't need dishonesty to keep it going.

Kids, College, and Loans

Let's get real. Going to college on scholarship doesn't work for most kids. While costs for higher education continue to rise and many colleges offer their students some kind of financial aid, that aid usually takes the form of loans. The scholarships that are offered do not generally cover full or even half tuition.

While graduating high school with a parent-fed college fund is a great blessing, parents today often find themselves falling short of being able to even partially fund their kids educational ventures. The fat college fund is a rarity. This is an Xbox-Wii generation. Kids are accustomed to their parents providing Razor phones and video Ipods, but this lifestyle costs a heck of a lot. We aren't very good at delayed gratification and that's what saving money is all about. In the face of the shortfall, students--who aren't really great at looking to the future anyway--blithely assume they'll get full or significant scholarships to the big name colleges to which they aspire.

This is so not reality.

Even at most state schools there is a fierce competition for scholarship money. Kids who have a "B" average might as well forget about it unless they have a significant non-academic skill. Even those who've taken Advance Placement classes and aced them, can't necessarily expect colleges to hand them a free ride. So, generally, it's all about loans.

Getting a college education is vital for most jobs, but how to handle the cost? There are private and public universities and some are "sexier" than others, although this may have little to do with the quality of the educational outcome. A recent study of students who were accepted by Harvard and decided to go elsewhere were equal to Harvard grads in job success. This study indicates that it is students themselves who determine eventual success, not a degree from a "name" school.

Getting massive school loans to go the more prestigious universities is probably not the best idea. The affordability factor makes state schools much more attractive and, for most, more than adequate. Many people believe that graduating from a big name school leads to prestige and "contacts" in the job market. Many elite universities count on this name-brand snobbery. Truthfully, a degree is a degree is a degree. For most careers, the degree gets you the job, not the university it comes from. Once the degree is framed and on the wall, no one really cares.

The exception for this might be those fantasy diplomas from on-line "universities." While more and more brick-and-mortar schools are offering distance-learning, students who graduate from purely on-line schools may still face disparity in the job market.

If you're heading to college or you've got a kid who's graduating high school soon, think hard about the growing college loan load. Particularly if students don't know what career they want, piling up college debt can be a really bad idea. For some high-earning jobs, school loans make sense. Physicians and lawyers have big earning potential. Getting school loans for these graduate degrees makes sense. There are, however, many meaningful, fulfilling careers that don't offer salaries to easily pay off student debt while still being able to live. Attending a big name school on loans to get a graduate degree in social work doesn't make a lot of sense for most students.

Think about the loan-to-salary ratio. When you finish school, throw your mortar board in the air and head off for job interviews, you need to be able to support yourself while you pay off any loans you've accrued. This is just reality and sometimes it sucks.

By all means, get a college degree. Heck, get two! Higher education can be the path to a fulfilling life, but be smart about it. After all, it is the rest of your life and spending twenty years paying off unnecessary student loans is a waste.

The Pre-Cheating Relationship Phase

As bad as things sometimes are, you're not ready to break-up. Your partner has really made you mad, doesn't listen to you sometimes and doesn't seem interested in what concerns you. You aren't ready to call the moving company, but you probably bitch to your friends. Maybe a lot. You may feel hurt and end up doing things you know will annoy him, like going out more with your girlfriends or buying really expensive shoes. Its not that you don't love him, you're just…angry.

You'll both get over it. Everyone fights now and then, right? It doesn't mean you don't love each other. But the fights are getting uglier…and you're fighting about the same things without really making any progress.

This is what the pre-cheating phase of relationships look like.

No one engages in cheating behavior because he or she doesn’t care. While there may be the occasional relationship-impaired individual who doesn't even consider fidelity, most people expect to be faithful to their partners. When you first get together, you love one another. He makes you laugh, makes you feel better during your hormonal days and is generally the one you want to talk to when life's a bitch. It doesn't, however, stay this way.

Just in the nature of human interaction, every relationship involves conflict. Moments when you could scream. Really annoying habits, like her always leaving two or three bras hanging on the bedroom door knob. Or him leaving the toilet seat up. If you've got a relationship, you've got conflict.

The pre-cheating phase is one in which conflicts have arisen and not been adequately resolved. Over time, you can start to feel like your partner doesn't really care if you feel okay about the situation you're fighting over. And if you're feelings don't matter, the bedrock of your love starts to crumble a little.

The other woman laughs at your jokes, finds you really sexy and doesn't bitch about the same old things. She likes you. She wants your body. Little by little, you find yourself feeling closer to her than to the woman you're going home to.

Maybe you start exchanging racy emails with the other guy. There might be phone calls that start out with you trying to get "a guy's point of view." It doesn't feel like cheating because you're talking about your mate. You're trying to understand him. And yet, you find yourself talking to your guy friend four and five times a day. He understands you. You may answer your phone with a lilt in your voice when he calls while there may be a sense of heaviness when your mate phones. Will there be another fight? Is he mad because you didn't pay a bill? Or talk to the kid's teacher at school, as he requested?

You're not thinking of cheating because you still love your spouse, but cheating isn't something that happens suddenly. First, estrangement grows in relationships. You begin having more and more times when you don't feel close to your mate. Times when you aren't sure that you matter that much to her.

Cheating on your mate may not have even occurred to you, but problems in relationship--when left unattended--poison love. And when love is lying gasping on the floor, cheating doesn't seem like cheating. Its like turning away from darkness to what seems like light.

Relationships cycle, if you're not paying attention. They bloom, then regular life happens, then the relationship can start to corrode if you don't deal with the issues. On the downward swing, you may find yourself falling out of love with your mate and into attraction with someone else.

More and more couples are identifying 'emotional cheating'. This is generally a sign of things going bad. Pay attention to how you feel in relationships. Listen to how your mate feels. Deal with the issues or they'll end up killing the love. Don't let yourself slip into the Pre-Cheating Phase. Its the beginning of the end.

"A Lover I Can Trust!"

Singles often claim to be searching for a mate they can trust. Someone who won't disappoint them or let them down. This usually comes after being lied to and cheated on. Rather than trying to find a trustworthy lover, you might try putting some trust in yourself.

Bad, disappointing, frustrating relationships usually have warning signs at the very beginning and you just didn't see them or didn't want to see them. While no individual is perfect, the issues we face in relationship can usually be seen fairly quickly. Over and over, individuals on the brink of break-up or divorce admit that the problems were there from the start and they just didn't want to see them.

In the beginning of relationships, individuals often have giddy lists of their lovers' good qualities. As relationships progress, however, we often struggle with the nuts and bolts of long term love. Over time, the very qualities that enchanted you can become really annoying, even forming the foundation for betrayal and relationship disruption.

So how do you find the "good" man or woman? A mate who'll always be faithful and loyal? Maybe the answer lies in yourself.

Some people claim they only attract the losers, the dates who steal from them or treat them badly. Time after time, they're screwed over. There are, admittedly, some people in the world who've never liked to play by the rules. Sometimes, too, you might not be very clear in the rules of relationship that you consider important.

It's not always easy to see it, but the truth is that you're contributing to every bad relationship you have. You get to--have to--put at least fifty percent into every situation. This may not seem true in your case, but it is a reality. Because you always have the option to walk away--even really tough situations once had a moment when you could have walked away--you always have power in a relationship. You get to acquiese or refuse to be involved.

You may not always have the power to make it what you want it to be, but you have the power to change your experience. The most challenging aspect of relationships lies in our own struggle to see what we contribute and to get out when the situation calls for it. We tend to see what we want to see in relationships. The heart has very poor vision.

If you stumbled into a relationship while you were committed elsewhere--perhaps your lover was also married--you're engaging in tremendous optimism to believe that the two of you won't start looking around when there's trouble in your own marriage.

Don't expect loyalty from a guy who doesn't pay his child support or who steals from his boss. No matter what the emotional situation, some commitments are unquestionable. If you think your lover will be different with you than with her last husband, you're indulging in a sad optimism.

Don't just search for someone you can trust. Learn to trust your own instincts and your own assessment…even of the people you like.

Psychology of the Bridesmaid Dress

Brides keep asking a slew of their friends to be bridesmaids, when planning The Big Day, and bridesmaids keep dreading the bridesmaid dress. What is this all about? Being asked to participate as an attendant in a wedding party is supposed to be a great compliment. Bridesmaids, however, almost universally dread the dress. Just part of the recent upswing in "bridal insanity," the ugly bridesmaid dress has a psychology of its own.

The horrible bridesmaid dress has become a cliché that the wedding industry can't quite seem to get around. The horrible bridesmaid dress shows up frequently in the "clean out your closet" segments on television shows, cable wedding day disasters and even functions as the punch line for a commercial for shampoo. Brides seem to develop a kind of selective bad taste when picking dresses for four, five or eight of their closest friends to wear on the bride's big day.

Wedding cakes, flowers, reception dinners, picking the right band…wedding productions have spawned an industry all their own. The centerpiece of the event for most brides, however, is themselves and their dress. Thousands of dollars are spent on the bride's attire and much energy and attention is spent on making her feel beautiful. This, many brides will say vehemently and sometimes tearfully, is her day!

Weddings, and all things related, continue to have an appeal, no matter how complicated is the reality of being married. The ceremony itself has become a production for most brides(and for many grooms), one of the most interesting aspects of which is The Bridesmaid Dress. Despite having friends of all heights, weights and life conditions(pregnant!), brides continue to dress their attendants in the same color and style. The wedding industry has gamely tried to address this issue by offering dresses made in the same colors, but available in different styles. The problem, however, still continues. Brides pick hideous dresses for their bridesmaids and continue to claim that these can be "worn later." This would be less of an issue, but for the reality that most bridesmaids foot the bill for their celebratory gear. They could possibly grit their teeth and wear a salmon sheath designed for a size two woman with no hips, if they(a size eight with curved hips) didn't have to pay for the damned dress.

So, one has to wonder…does the bride want her attendants to look horrible?

Newlywed women everywhere would be very upset at the implication. These are their friends, they'd say, but perhaps the problem lies more in the psychology of the wedding display, rather than in how brides feel about their attendants.

Let's be honest, weddings are not just tender proclamations of couples' love. Brides and grooms are concerned with the look of the event. Like a stage show, they carefully plan where the tall attendants will stand and whether they'll look funny walking out with a shorter groomsman. For the greatest majority of brides, and those who support them, weddings are a moment in time when they get to be The Star. Attendants and their wedding attire function to frame the bride and groom almost like set pieces. In a much earlier era, brides wore their best dresses in which to be married and, if they had attendants, their friends wore their best dresses, as well. Coordinating the attire wasn't generally an issue.

The longing to feel special--to have a moment when everything is about you--is universal. While not all couples hanker after this kind of wedding, the great majority do. Couples can actually feel shamed by having a small, inexpensive wedding. Somehow, weddings have become a phenomena and it can be difficult to resist the insanity.

Perhaps the complexity of marriage, half of which will end in divorce, makes us want to mark the event with some sort of external stamp of approval. There now! You're Really Married! But this shouldn't mean a total loss of sanity when it comes to planning the celebration. Remember, brides, if you'd like your attendants to your friends after the wedding, put some thought into making them look beautiful on the stage, too.

Guilt -- A Pointless Exercise

You have sex with your best friend's girl…you have guilt. That's the way it's supposed to work, right? Guilt is the bad feeling you have when you do something wrong--but wrong is opened to a lot of interpretations. Of course, having sex with a friend's girl is considered guilt-worthy by most(unless he invites you to hit that and then we're talking a whole other thing).

Say you're in a relationship and your mate punches you. Nothing you do could make you deserve to be hit, but lots of abuse victims feel guilty. They "made" their loved one mad, said something stupid, did something bad, et cetera. They feel guilty for doing something that made their lover beat the crap out of them.

Is guilt a one-size-fits-all emotion no matter what the situation? Is it totally subjective and open to interpretation? What makes one person feel guilty doesn't faze others? And is there actually an point to it?

Usually when you do something you know you shouldn't do, feeling guilty is a natural consequence. Religions have been built on the emotion of guilt, some of them offering lists of what you shouldn't do. But how do you know the difference what you're really supposed to do and what you just feel you're supposed to do? It's not always easy to know.

What about cheating on your income tax or stealing paper clips from work? Same thing as lying to your mother? What if your mom asks you things that are none of her business(yes, there are some things that your mother doesn't have a right to know). Some people claim to feel guilty all the time about all kinds of things. Guilt, for them is like the sky being blue. Its just always there.

The emotion of guilt--as opposed to the verdict when a jury foreperson stands up and announces you're guilty--is in the eye of the beholder. Sometimes you just feel guilty, but what you feel doesn't always match up to objective reality. Can you find an objective reality about the things you should or shouldn't do? The emotions that don't make sense?

The word "guilt" is defined as a feeling of responsibility or remorse for some offense, crime, wrong, whether real or imagined. Its the imagined part that makes this emotion so problematic. Much of how we feel is derived from what we believe, about ourselves, others and the world. Our morals and values help us decide what we "should" and "shouldn't" do, but there are a wealth of situations that don't exactly have clear moral directions.

Truthfully, unless your feeling of guilt motivates you to turn yourself in for committing a robbery or some other crime, its probably not very useful. In fact, most of the time when you stew in guilt, you're just wasting energy. Usually, when people talk about having guilt, it doesn't make them behave any better or treat others with a great deal more respect. They just feel bad and then try to do something to distract themselves from the feeling. Guilt tends to be something you use to drain energy, but you may not actually behave any differently. It's the behaving differently that matters.

You may regret an action--just make sure you learn from it. Regret is understandable and can help you know the choices you don't want to repeat. Change your choices, don't just brood over them.

So, let non-productive guilt go. If you've done something you believe you shouldn't have or you've not done something you believe you should have--fix it. Day-to-day guilt is a crime against life. Quit wasting the emotional energy dragging around a load of guilt. Don't fool yourself, feeling bad doesn't make you a better person. If you can't--or won't--fix whatever is haunting you, feeling guilty is just self-indulgent. Let it go or act to make it better.