DON'T HIDE PATERNITY

In the last century, parents routinely hid the fact of children being adopted and did everything they could to avoid discovery of this. The reasons for this well-meant deception aren't obvious, but if there was then a stigma attached to the adopted situation, there isn't now. There is, however, a sad reality that not all biological parents choose to be involved in their children's lives. Sometimes they don't even see the kid before disappearing, which has nothing to do with the child's worth and value.

One reader writes "My son is 11 yrs old and for the past year he has been asking me why he looks different than his brothers and if he was adopted. He of course wasn't adopted. But he does have a different father than his brothers. My husband and I began our relationship when he was only 2 and he started calling him Daddy so we just went with it....Can you please give me some advice on how to approach this with my son?"

Yes, you need to tell him the truth, and the sooner the better. You and your husband need to sit down with him and tell him that you were involved with his biological father before you met your husband. Tell him you haven't told him the truth all this time because you didn't know how and because you always wanted him to know that he's a full member of this family. You don't want him to think that his biological origins make him less important to your husband. This is the point at which his dad needs to earnestly express that your son is his son, that he loves him as he loves his other children and can't imagine his life without him.

Tell your son about his biological father now, so he doesn't feel you've lied to his whole childhood.

Then prepare yourself for questions. Your son will ask about his biological father and why he's not in his son's life. He'll ask why you guys broke up. He'll ask if he has any other siblings.

Tell him the truth and don't give into the temptation to sugar coat it. At the same time, don't say ugly things about his biological father. (This may be very tempting. Resist the urge.) If your son asks to meet his father, try to arrange it. If the guy doesn't respond or questions paternity, be careful what you pass on to your son. Keep it simple and factual. Tell your son that when he is a grown-up, he can pursue meeting his biological father, if he wants(always assuming the father doesn't want to meet him now).

The more involved your husband is in this conversation the better. Sometimes, non-biological parents worry that they'll be replaced if the real dad comes into the picture. This isn't the case, but it's a natural fear. If your husband shows any evidence of this, reassure him that parenthood involves being there for the child day in and day out--cleaning up after the child when he's sick and helping him learn to throw a ball. Parenthood isn't about DNA.

Still, secrets about DNA can rob individuals of information that is rightly theirs. Tell your son the truth. When he gets older, he may try to pursue a relationship with his biological father. This isn't a rejection of your husband. Don't freak out about it. Adolescence is a complicated unfolding of personhood. Your son has a right to know.

Your husband will always be his father. Your son will probably eventually get to the place to acknowledge this, even if he has to explore his biological connections first. In the best possibility, your son's biological father may now see the error of his ways and want a small, supporting part in the kid's life. That may not sound good now, but getting child support may be helpful and parenting teens can be challenging.

You may be glad to share the load with a third party. If nothing else, he can help pay for college.