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We have a lot of mixed feelings about "family." Depending on the luck of the draw, for you family can mean a loving, supportive unit of people who look a lot like you....or it can be a code word for hell.
In the Western world, the end of the calendar year is a period traditionally loaded with family time. This can be really good or really bad, depending on your personal experience.
Although individuals tend to define family by biology--the people with whom you share DNA--dictionaries have a much wider view of the word. Family can be defined many ways, but in general it is a basic social unit. A group who share common interests, lifestyles and goals can feel like a family.
It's not always about biology, but many view their physical connections as carrying lots of emotional baggage. I hear all the time that individuals continue having contact with troublesome relatives because of this biology. When I ask about the continued contact with the difficult or harmful relative, I get "...because he's my brother" or "...because we're family", including the ever-popular "..because she's my mom!" This latter statement is always made in shocked tones, as if the individual is startled that I'd even ask the question.
What if your biological family isn't the Norman Rockwell version? It may be far, far from this. What then? You may have little incommon with your siblings and share no affection for them. It this is true, the holiday season usually brings difficult decisions.
Many individuals view biological relatives as a kind of existential anchor. The people who came before you. To some extent, we view ourselves as occupying a place in a line of relatives--we have a place there. There is then the tendency to see our interactions as years of investment. We think of what we owe our parents and grandparents like their care for you was a debt to which you agreed. Sometimes we struggle, feeling alone and naked in a cold world without some form of family interaction, even when our interactions with biological relatives are far from loving and nurturing.
There are "bad" families. My work with foster kids has shown me this. Yes, there are kids in foster care whose parents are just messed up themselves or who are scrambling to get their lives together, so they can care for their kids again. But there are also other situations--the sad, sad ones with children who've been abandoned or abused or both.
Biology doesn't equal love.
Unfortunately, those children of less-than-loving families can think their situations are about them...that they somehow deserve not to be loved. This is so far from the truth. No matter what we've done or not done, we still deserve love. Still, individuals struggled with the belief that "...if my own family doesn't love me, I must be a horrible person."
So not true.
Family can be a warm, supportive place, a shelter to which you run when you need to lick your wounds or a group of people who fiercely back you up. But this doesn't have to be biologically-based. Adopted children are often greatly loved. Chosen and loved.
Maybe it's time to let go of the biology-as-family definition and move instead to where we define family as those who love us--those who act loving toward us, not just say the word.
Maybe family is defined by what's in the heart.
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Confidential to Ista:
You may think your wife is yelling and upset over nothing, but this isn't usually the case. She's mad about something. Your best bet is to try really hard to listen to what's upsetting her. Don't explain or defend yourself. Don't try to "correct" her. Doing these will just give her the impression that you're arguing. She may make statements that you think aren't true. You still need to hear what she feels, what's upsetting to her. After she tells you that you've heard whatever is upsetting her, then you get to tell her what's upsetting you. Only after you listen, though.
Much would be solved in relationships if we learned how to hear each other.
