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Maybe you have people who are important to you…and they don't always make the best decisions. They get emotional about situations and feel very distressed. Naturally, you want to say something or do something to help.
You try generally to be rational about problems. Usually, you find a way to handle most things. Not everything, of course, because no one's perfect, but you do your best to respond, to help. Unfortunately, there are times when the very individuals you try to make things easier for, end up blaming you for their problems. Somehow, you end up cleaning up messes you didn't make. You end up trying to solve problems you didn't create.
The question is--why?
Why do you feel the need to rescue others from the choices they themselves make? Consequences, while sometimes painful, are our best path to learning how to make good choices. Whoa, this sucks! I'm not going to do that again, we say. So why not let people face the results of their actions if it'll help them learn? Of course, some consequences are big and scary and it can be difficult to watch others struggle. Particularly when you can easily make it better. It seems so unnecessary, you might be thinking.
You may, in fact, be pretty good at giving measured reproofs--others probably call these "lectures." There are situations that cry out with obvious realities: drive fast all the time and you're certain to get a bunch of traffic tickets. Your insurance will go up and may even get cancelled. Don't pay the tickets and you'll end up in jail.
Certain realities can be counted on and it's very difficult not to point this out to the people you care about when they seem to be missing the obvious. But they don't thank you for it. Quite the opposite, in fact, despite the fact that you're just trying to help, they usually get mad at you.
They tell you that you're a "control freak" and that you just want to run others' lives. You think you're perfect, they may say nastily. This is, however, the farthest thing from what you want. You want them to handle their own decisions, but you'd like them to do it better.
On some level, you may be struggling with your own difficulty in watching them in pain. Choices bring consequences. These can be lovely or very difficult, depending on the choice. You want to rescue the individuals you care about because you hurt when they hurt. Loving others means being impacted by what they choose…even if you don't like their choices or the impact their consequences have on you. This is difficult. If you can tweak their behavior--just help when they obviously need help--then you've saved your own emotional distress. Right? Sometimes they ask for help. They want you to rescue them, so it would be mean not to work things out for them.
The problem with this approach is that--while you may be pretty good at arranging things--others' emotions are not quite within your reach. You probably want to argue about this. I know what makes people feel good, you'll say(with a hint of smugness). But you don't have control over other people's emotions or actions. It's not like turning a dial. You can't always make them behave better or feel better in an effort to shield your own feelings.
But if they feel good, then you feel good, right? When they're upset, you can't be unaffected. You're pretty much okay if the people you love are okay. It's almost as if they do the feeling--the biggest part--for you.
Sometimes, loving others can be very painful. This is unavoidable. Distress is part of the package if you allow yourself to be involved in relationships. A better method for handling referred distress is to learn to get a handle on your own emotions. Manage yourself more effectively. Emotions are important and trying to live without them will lead eventually to depression. Not being aware of your own emotions is a result of not paying attention to them. Feelings can be inconvenient and unreliable, but shut them out and it's like turning the sound down on a radio. Everything becomes muted and gray.
So, feel the pain, the compassion, the worry. It won't kill you and, eventually, it will end.
Don't arrange others' lives, assume responsibility for fixing situations or succumb to the temptation to tell them what to do. Focus your best management techniques on yourself. Shelving your feelings or "out-sourcing" them to other people isn't an effective way to manage your life long term.
Feel your feelings. Not just anger and irritation, but sadness, confusion, anxiety, giddiness. Take care of you by listening to you.
