Posts
Dear Lack,
Some families disband after the loss of a parent and this can be distressing or relieving, depending on your experience. The family business issue is just another version of fighting over an inheritance. I understand your mourning of this. It is like you've lost the connected family experience. The sad fact if that you cannot make your siblings get straight with one another. They are in charge of their own behavior and they get to decide whether or not to heal this breach.
You can, however, maintain a connection with each of them--not as a bridge--but because they're important to you. You can't scold them like children and force them to kiss after fighting (not that this really works with kids, either). If your interaction with your sister is strained by her "busy-ness", make efforts for getting together and don't act out of your hurt. You need to step back and accept the level of interaction she's offering. Don't always expect her to come to you. Go to where she lives and plan this visit when she says she's more likely to have some time to spend with you.
Family interaction isn't automatic or simple. She and your brother have to resolve--or not--their issues themselves. Even if you weren't the youngest, you can't fix this for them.
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"My son will be getting married early next year. My husband and I don't have a bad relationship with him or his fiance (so far). They have been living together for two years and seemed fine. Now that they are getting married, we invited her and her family for a dinner. We wanted to celebrate and talk about the arrangements of the wedding ceremony and offer any contribution to the wedding. We were told that they don't want any type of contribution (not even gifts) and that we are not supposed to invite anyone.
It was very clear that they are paying for everything, they are in control of everything and we don't have anything to do with the matter. We felt very hurt, just shutting up and swallowed this because we didn't want to create conflict. But we also don't feel comfortable attending the wedding either, since the mother of the bride made it clear that she is paying $120.00 for each guest to be at the reception. We even feel that we are costing her $240.00 dollars.
We still didn't get to talk to our son after the meeting and we don't really know how to approach the situation. My son seems to be totally under their control. We are just surprised to find out that they are two control freaks. We don't know what to say or do. We definitely don't want to go to the wedding, but we don't know how to tell our son this."--Please Help
Dear Help,
There is no functional way to tell your son that you're so mad at his future in-laws, his future wife and him, that you won't even come to his wedding. Don't do this. Don't skip the wedding festivities and don't make snide comments to him, his soon-to-be wife or her family members.
I know this will be hard and that your burning to burst out with your grievances and the fact that you don't feel important. But take a step back, for a minute, and inhale a deep breath. Weddings are very emotional events and they don't tend to bring out the best in people (sadly).
Remind yourself that this is only one event; one day or week. Don't make this moment bigger than it is. If your son stays married to this girl, the wedding day will grow dim as they deal with the real life ups and downs of being a couple. If he and his bride truly don't want you to give them a gift, you might have a quiet, private conversation with him about what you want--that you'd like to contribute to their future in some way. It might be that the couple is older and financially well-established. They might be concerned about your financial state or they may feel that you've contributed a lot to him (them) already.
You're hearing the message "Butt out--We don't love you--We don't want anything from you--You're not important to us." They might not have meant any of this. You just don't know. Traditionally, the parents of the bride have footed the entire bill for the wedding, with the grooms parents paying for his and their wedding finery and for a rehearsal dinner. Lots of people are dispensing with this structure, having various reasons to change it up. Still, the bride's parents may feel that this is their gig, not yours.
Let them have it. Really, do you just want to lay out a lot of money for this occasion?
As far as the wedding guest list, you need to speak to your son. This is really his call. If you have family friends (not a massive list of your business associates and the people you want to show off to), you'd like there, tell your son this. It's his day, his celebration and his decision. You're probably very proud of him--and of her by extension--but this isn't primarily a brag-fest.
Lay low and don't throw any fits that will leave a stain on your relationship. Remember, they may have kids some day and you really don't want a lame fight making it awkward for you to build a relationship with your grandkids.
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"I am facing a lot of family problems and I think I need some advice. My husband and I have a one and a half year old daughter. My main problem is that my husband is not as attached to me, but more with his mother and brothers. We are staying in a joint family arrangement. He has two brothers, who're staying in the same house with their wives and us. I think my husband is not thinking about me and our daughter. He is thinking more about his brothers and his mother. I don't know what to do. I am trying to change his attitude about this and I am in pressure...." --Waiting For Your Advice
Dear Waiting,
You didn't say if your husband acts in a loving or unloving way, but only that you're all living in a family home. Your husband's attachment to his mother and brothers is understandable and it wouldn't be good for anyone if this is broken. You cannot change his attitude. As many find out every day, changing a spouse's mind doesn't usually work. If, however, you believe your husband isn't loving or kind to you, you have (hopefully) the option to leave him. If doing this is a problem, ask your family to help.
If you love your husband and don't want to leave him--but just to change the living arrangements--you need to tell him that you love him and mention how much this housing situation is distressing you, stressing that it threatens your marriage. If he doesn't care how you feel or dismisses your concerns, he's not acting very loving and you might need to leave the relationship.
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Remember that Thanksgiving is about more than food and football. Don't let the structure of getting together and stuffing your faces make you forget the purpose of this day. If ever there was a moment to remember what you're truly thankful for, this is it.
The experience of gratitude makes you healthier and happier. Even if your life has major challenges, you probably have some golden moments. Take some time and dwell on these.
It'll make you feel better and more blessed.
