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So, if you're divorced, why are you still acting like you're together? Isn't the fact that you felt you couldn't rely on him part of the reason you kicked him out? Didn't she cheat on you with other guys until you got tired of it and called a lawyer? In today's world, the marriage may not be working, but people think they are really okay with the confused divorce.
"We're legally divorced, but I'm still on his cell plan…and he asks me to call him to make sure he's awake for work…my stuff is still in his storage shed…and we sometimes get together for sex when we're horny."
The statement is usually followed by a "What? It's just sex. I never said I didn't like having sex with him."
Breaking-up is hard to do, but, lately, couples don't really do it. Not completely, even if it's legal. People split up, date others…and still continue the emotional connections in the relationship. You may feel you can't just cut the other person completely out of your life. You call and email one another. You send funny, involved text messages. You may even each have new relationships. Of course, you have the same problems between you two that you had when you were officially in the marriage, but these are less troubling since you're not living together.
Frequently, the excuse for all this confused togetherness is that you share children. "We need to get along for the kids," you say in shocked tones, as if going on vacations together and continuing to ask Dad over to fix the plumbing, were inherently important in children's lives.
You're divorced. You live in separate places. The kids know this and all your togetherness is just confusing to them.
The alternative--not seeing your ex, not talking, just passing the kids back and forth--is hard. For years, you've been in each other's lives. You've been able to ask her what to do when you've got a spot on your favorite shirt or how to get the iTrip on your Ipod to reset.
You've always been there for one another, sort of. But you're not anymore. The fighting has gotten so bad and you're so tired of the bitching, but that doesn't mean you don't want to see her…talk to her, again. Have sex occasionally.
The truth is we don't know how to fix the problems in relationships--the conflicts that drive you crazy and lead you to question why you're there at all? But we don't know how to shake the dust off our feet and get outta Dodge either, to mix a couple of really random metaphors.
This is the new, sneaky phenomena frequently labeled "staying friends." You may still care for the other person, it just seems you can't work out the problems. Not having any contact would be painful, so you form some kind of bastardized relationship that's half-way between lovers and friends, but doesn't really deserve to be called either one.
The "friendship" after a break-up idea is a delusion, though. If you're not ready to end, sever, terminate and shut off all contact in a relationship, maybe you're not ready to divorce. The half-way in, half-way out thing is just an avoidance of dealing with the conflicts. You can do better. Don't live a half-way, half-assed relationship. Fix it. Learn to fight effectively. Make the marriage work…unless your mate refuses. Or you don't really want to try that hard. If this is true, suck it up and end--really end--the relationship.
Divorce stinks. It's only benefit is to end the conflicts and the fighting. So end it, if you're gonna end it.
