SEEING PAST THIS MOMENT

"I just feel that my marriage is a big mistake and a failure after 22 years of marriage and having 5 children. I need your help on how to make corrective decisions to plan my life forward.

My wife and I are Muslim, living in Saudi Arabia. I am 45 years old and have a Ph.D. in Electrical Engineering. My wife is 41 years old with a high school diploma and a 1-year diploma in Computer Science. I work as a college professor besides having part-time company work and my income is above average. I spend my time between work and home. I have meals with my family everyday and help my children with their homework. My wife is a housewife. She spends most of the time at home and she has almost no friends to visit.

My problem is that my wife has never felt compatible with me or my family(parents and relatives). She doesn't trust me. She thinks that I will run after another woman. She is suspicious of my telephone calls and my work meetings. She doesn't like my being alone on the net or on a business trip, although I never have done any cheating(nonetheless, she knows that my religious tendency). Whenever we go out together, she keeps observing me. She is not happy with our life and she keeps complaining all the time about everything. She is not compatible with my thinking as she has no plans or dreams or hopes. She just thinks what to cook and what to dress!

This has been running for 22 years and it's a nightmare for me. I tried to compromise and avoid trouble to save my family. Several times, conflicts escalated to discuss divorce, but whenever we reach that point, she regrets it and is sorry, asking for pardon. But, I know that she is not convinced or satisfied. That's why she returns to her behavior after a couple of weeks.

I believe that I made a mistake to marry her from the beginning. I asked her to go to a psychiatrist or a family counselor to present our case to him, but she refuses, assuming that if she does so, then she is psychologically sick. Our life is going up and down and we never live one week peacefully."--Distressed Husband

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Dear Husband,

I'll bet this is a nightmare for her, too. You have a history with your wife--not to mention the five kids--and this is both good and bad. You say you've asked her to go to a counselor. Why not go yourself first? You're unhappy in this marriage and that's never good, but you might benefit from looking at what you're contributing. I'm NOT saying this is all your fault. I'm just pointing out that it's not all her fault, either. The two of you need to learn to work through your issues.

You have a great disparity in education and in income-producing potential. This typically adds stress to a relationship. You mention that her life is mostly in your home, but some of this is attributable to things beyond her--the culture you live in doesn't encourage women to think beyond their homes and children. You mention that she has no hopes and dreams, but she's caring for a large family and this takes up a lot of energy.

You're right that it would be good for her to have friends. That eases much difficulty in life.

Whether or not you decide to get a divorce, you need to learn everything from this marriage that you can. You'll be a better partner for her--or someone else--if you learn to talk about your issues, not avoid them and just hope things get better. Learning to listen to her is very important. She has experiences and emotions that deserves to be listened to by you. Her jealousy and questioning you could easily have grown from the distance between you. She feels the estrangement as much as you do. She probably also is very aware of your growing disinterest in her. Since you and the kids are all she has going, she's even more threatened.

You can certainly leave your marriage. You know that this is an option, but leaving isn't typically a good option until you've gotten some professional help and taken every lesson from the relationship that you can.

* * *

Seeing Past This Moment

Whether you're anxious or depressed, unhappy in your relationship or grieving the loss of a loved one, you need to remember that this won't be your experience forever. Getting help from a therapist can help you learn how to get beyond your anxiety and depression. Don't think these are necessarily life-long issues. While you may have felt this way a long time and you have a hard time seeing your way out of this current distress, believing in a better experience is vital.

Grief can be consuming. The loved one is gone and will not return, but the wrenching emotions can shift into a more gentle loss. Learning how to grieve is important. You need to identify self-blame and check out the validity of this in the cold light of a rational viewpoint. A therapist can help with this. Relationship loss can lead to grief, as well. You need to both learn from this--no big endeavor doesn't involve some failure--and you need to forgive yourself.

Medication can be helpful in the short term. Never be ashamed of getting a script to help you while you're struggling. But learn how to fix the problem. Anxiety and depression can both be helped by a good therapist. You don't have to struggle with this the rest of your life.

You deserve better. You deserve a better future.

DO THE HARD (RIGHT) THING

"I am divorced with two children. My ex-husband and father of my children was very abusive (sexually, emotionally, verbally). He forced himself of me many times, called me horrific names, refused to support me in any way, would not work and would not celebrate holidays. When I had a baby die, he told me to get over it and get back to work. I had no financial support and was treated like an animal. I stayed because I desperately wanted to remain a family and not become a single mom/statistic until I discovered he was having affairs.

I've had trouble keeping jobs, even though I always kept a good professional position. I'd hop to another job within a year. I've been diagnosed with Bipolar II and PTSD. Because of my job history, I've never keep insurance long enough to see a regular counselor or psychiatrist.

I am now in a relationship with a man who has no children. This man has physically abused me. I am in school and I only have 7 months left. My current boyfriend likes to say that he's sacrificing to put me through school, but I pay half the bills and pay ALL my personal bills myself with student loans. I drive an old beat-up car that I paid cash for. He never offered to help me get a vehicle(even just co-signing), but he is now looking at a new car for himself.

Lately, I've been thinking about trying again to find a life partner and having another child someday. I want to experience a loving, functional family. As a result of all the traumas in my past(I'm also an adoptee), I have struggled with parenting and bonding with my two daughters. I know it isn't their fault, but I feel a lot of anger and resentment. I'm mad that their father treated me that way, but now has a good job, lives in a good area and has a great life while I'm struggling and depressed. I am questioning God and the unfairness of it all. My boyfriend says he doesn't want to get married. Although he was engaged before, he now says he doesn't believe in marriage. He says he never saw himself with children, but doesn't mind mine. I want to be able to raise a child as a mature adult with financial stability and a loving partner. He says he doesn't want to have children with me because I yell sometimes, I'm negative and I dread being a mother.

I know I have the ability to be a great mom. I was very organized and loving until I lost my jobs, lost a child, got divorced and was raped. I try to convince him that just because I'm not happy at the moment, doesn't mean I couldn't be an excellent mom, happy with job stability and a loving partner. We are at a standstill. I can't imagine looking back on my life and only having my two girls with that monster ex of mine. I want a family and at least one happy pregnancy. I am obsessed with families and jealous whenever I see a woman with a loving partner and a child. I cry daily and can't seem to get past the fact that my marriage failed. All I want to do is fix it by meeting a good man who loves me and my kinds and wants to give me what I never had. I am very sad that I've possibly waisted another 2 years in another relationship that isn't going to be happily ever after. What do I do?"--Abused

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Dear Abused,

First off, don't get pregnant just yet. Second, find a good therapist who'll work with you on a sliding scale and get into counseling. Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) alters perspectives and often leaves individuals longing to fix their emotional struggles by finding happily ever after. You've had multiple abusers and you say that your current boyfriend is also abusive. This is why you don't need to have a child with him--at least not now. Your obsession with families and your struggle to not resent your own children are indicators that you need to take care of you first.

Get into therapy. It is a well-known reality that emotional development stops at the age of first abuse. You're physically a grown woman, but you don't feel you've been loved or nurtured. Your aching for a family and another child sounds like you're trying to recreate the loving environment you yourself deserved when you were growing up. PTSD is driving many of your emotions now and it's important the heal you first.

* * *

DO THE HARD(RIGHT) THING

Choices set us free, but they're a bitch, too. Think about the thousands of small moments when you drank too much, ate too much, skip exercise, cut someone off in traffic(flipping them off when they honked) or stepped out on your partner. At that second, you just wanted to feel better, get where you were going or do to someone else what was done to you.

But none of these choices helped you actually feel better for more than a few minutes.

Finding the time to work out or NOT putting that extra charge on your credit card--these are the hard decisions. At this time of year, people over-eat, over-drink and over-spend, all in an attempt to feel better, to feel loved or to feel appreciated. Ever notice how many people buy new flooring and dining room furniture around this time of year? We dream of hosting wonderful family gathers in our decked out homes... Trying to feel better and to look good to those people who're supposed to want the best for us.

Do the hard thing. There are lots of opportunities. Take care of yourself financially and physically, it'll be good for you and for others, too.

FIND SOMEONE WHO LIKES YOU

"My mother and I have been fighting more and more lately. We used to get along really well, but after my brother got married a couple of years ago, things went downhill. My mom went over the deep end with her mother (who she does not get along with) coming into town, and my father and his wife coming to the wedding. My parents have been divorced for 30 years and my father has been remarried for 20, but my mother has never gotten over my father walking out on us. She is still very bitter and angry. My brother and I have tried to establish an adult relationship with our father, understanding that he wasn't always there for us when we were young, but we are moving on. This is a new phase. My mother thinks I am betraying her and she as accused me replacing her with my father's wife. I am 35 years old. I hardly need a new mother. Thanksgiving was terrible. My brother wants a happy family gathering, but my mother recently screamed at me that I am insensitive to her and that I am only seeing my father in a positive light, forgetting everything he has ever done.

I don't know how to stop fighting with my mother and I want a relationship with her, but if she can't stop yelling at me and blaming me for her misery, I may have to stop seeing her. We only live 3 miles apart. I feel terrible"--Troubled Daughter

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Dear Troubled Daughter,

You and your mom have been close, which makes this breach even more difficult. I think you're on the right track. All relationships--whether these are relatives or not--need to benefit you or it makes no sense to stay connected.

You need to gain more from the interaction than it costs you. Still, it's very hard to cut off a mother with whom you've previously had a close relationship.

I think you need to talk to your mom about the relationship you want with her at this point. It's usually best to begin these conversations with a statement of how important she is to you. Tell her how much you love her and that you've enjoyed your previous closeness with her.

Then tell her that the issue of your current relationship with your father is yours to deal with. It's not her call. You're very aware of the past and you were certainly impacted by your parents' marital issues. How you choose to handle this relationship now is your decision. As you said, you're an adult. You don't need your mom's permission to interact with your dad. (I suggest that you refrain from discussing with your mother your relationship with you dad and his current wife. This may feel like you're hiding things, but it's not. Do you talk with her about every interaction you have? Every interaction with every person? Probably not.)

Your mom needs to know that it's inappropriate for her to continuously talk about your relationship with your father or for her to treat you as the enemy because you presumably are friendly with him. You're fully grown up. While she needed to parent you when you were a child, that's not a functional relationship to have at this stage. You have lots of adult decisions to make and you'll bear the consequences of these. Not her.

Your mom won't like any of this, but she doesn't have to.

* * *

Choosing the Right Partner

This is a problem for lots of people. You'll be better equipped to make good relationship decisions if you use two requirements:

Find someone who really likes you(liking is different from loving, BTW).

This is important because liking will carry you through the rough times that every relationship encounters. It greases the wheels of communication and helps with the tough times.

Find someone who helps you grow

Remember that scene in As Good As It Gets when Jack Nicholson tells Helen Hunt's character that she made him want to be a better man? That's what you're going for, a spouse or lover who helps you become a better person. Someone who helps you deal with your issues--even though these issues are annoying and you don't like your spouse much when he/she insists you deal with them. A relationship that helps you grow is a tremendously beneficial interaction.

Because individuals don't typically know how to resolve conflict in relationships, we have a tendency to choose "someone who's like me". This can be a big mistake. While sharing similar values is important, you need a balancing influence. Someone at the other end of the teeter totter.

If you have these two components and your values aren't too far apart, you have a significantly better chance of staying together...and you're probably have lots of fun, too.

LITTLE LETHAL PLEASURES

"My spouse and I have known each other for 10 years, but have only been in a relationship for 4 years. We have a 3 year-old child. At the beginning of our relationship, everything was great, fun and easy, but after we had our child, it seems like things and we have changed. We argue about the smallest things. Anything! My spouse says he loves me and this I believe, but as far as trust goes, he doesn't! He's always questioning me, and bringing up my past (before we were together). He tries to control me and always seems to find something to pick at me about. We are on good terms and want to make our relationship work, but we don't know what else to do. I don't want my child growing up with parents who argue all the time, but at the same time I don't want to take the child away from his father. I need some advice, please. I'm about ready to give up and just accept that the relationship didn't work."--Confused

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Dear Confused,

You said he loves you, but I'm not sure how you feel about him. If you want this relationship to work--for you, not just your child--the two of you need to learn to deal with your conflicts. This sounds obvious, but lots of people don't do this. Instead of resolving their issues, they try to forget their arguments and get over the conflicts. This may sound like your only option, but it doesn't work over the long haul.

You need to learn to listen to one another. Really listen to your partner's message, not just the words. You probably think you know what he's saying to you, but I'd be willing to bet he wouldn't agree. Here's a trick--take one situation and listen to him without defending yourself. Listen as if you'll be tested over what he's saying and even though it's very hard, don't defend or explain. He may throw in statements about you that are all wrong, don't correct him.

Instead just hear what he's trying to say. This will usually come down to hearing what he feels. You'll need to feedback to him what you've heard, just to make sure you've got it correctly. Lots of people don't say exactly what they mean and lots of time we don't hear exactly what they said. Repeat back to him what you hear. Do it several times until he agrees that you've gotten his message. You've heard him.

Then--and only then--tell him what you feel about the situation. Help him to hear your side of things. Again, this may involve trying it several times before he actually gets what you're saying.

After you've both talked clearly about your perspectives, you can look at the conflict as objectively as possible to find a resolution. This will involve some adjustment to one another, but resolution removes resentment.

Remember that last, if one or the other of you still feels hurt and/or resentment, you need to go back to trying to understand your experiences. The path to resolution in relationships is complicated and sadly not often achieved, but it's really worth the effort.

In every conflict, you need to remember that you love this person. Even when you want to wring his neck, you still love him. Focusing on this sometimes gives you the strength to soldier on. Relationships are supposed to involve joy. Ask yourself if you ever have that, ever really just enjoy one another. Sometimes the stress and the issues have built up to the point that it's hard to like each other. At that point, you may not have anything left for the relationship. You may be done.

* * *

This life is sometimes challenging and you feel alone. When the stressors get intense, as they sadly do at this "joyous" time of year, we tend to turn to things that give us temporary pleasure. Sadly, the little pleasures can kill you if you're not careful.

In this nation, we have an epidemic of obesity. While we have to look at factors like high fructose corn syrup that insidiously make us want to eat more, we also need to see the emotional aspect of over-eating. When we're sad, we eat to feel better. When we're mad or lonely, we eat to feel better, only the eating makes us feel sluggish and guilty and doesn't really work for us.

I personally have always had a complicated relationship with sugar. Sad, when you think about it. What I do to "get happy" doesn't really make me happy, though.

The same things can be said for alcohol. Individuals drink to get happy, to change how they feel. Whether this is a celebratory occasion or a sad one, we often hear "I need a drink" like this is a medicinal choice. Some people smoke for the pleasure it gives them. One of the brightest men I know--who's actually in the medical field and knows the data--indulges himself in expensive cigars almost every day.

We need to remind ourselves that our "little pleasures" don't actually give us pleasure. Whether the size of the swimsuit increases or we're drinking to the point of making social blunders, these habits don't give us as much enjoyment as we've thought.

Let's face it, sometimes life just sucks. Whether you're mad at your parent or disappointed in your spouse or massively frustrated with your exceptional child who's failing Social Studies, eating, drinking or smoking doesn't really solve any of these.

We do it, trying to feel better at the moment. Science tells us taking a walk around the block will do more good. We should try that.

WHAT LIFE DO YOU WANT?

Too often we ask teens and college-bound kids the wrong question and truthfully adults are often confused when making major decisions. Rather than asking themselves about college-majors and career choices, individuals first need to consider the kinds of lives they want to lead. This may sound obvious, but think about it, when you pick a mate or a career or even a residence, do you know that you're choosing the life you'll live?

Just as career choices determine what you'll do each and everyday, they also involve salary considerations and even areas of the country where you'll live. City and country living involve many different aspects. You need to think about whether you prefer the sleepy, slower, but fewer shopping/entertainment options of country living or the bustle, traffic, higher prices, more restaurant choices of a city.

While these details might seem insignificant, they effect your eventual happiness with where you are. In these times of economic uncertainty, job choices are paramount, but that's just one aspect of understanding what you want and need to wake up looking forward to every day. Kids in high school may not want to engage in higher learning. I know I didn't like school. But college is an important step in creating a more prosperous life with greater choices as to where you live and what you do for work. There are some non-college jobs that'll earn decent money, too, but this aspect of job-choice needs to be considered. If an individual invests in becoming an air traffic controller--a highly specialized job requiring excellent spatial skills, but no college--they'll earn a very decent living. But this job entails an intense training and is a career that carries the responsibility for many lives.

You can't just give half-power to this one. Lives count on you. In some jobs, having an off-day isn't that big a deal. Here, messing up has major consequences.

Think, too, about your partner choice. Lots of folks are struggling/dealing with the hunt for a mate, whether you seek marriage or not. When you're looking for a person to share your life with, though, you need to know what you want as far as the life you lead. Do you want kids? Not every one does, despite commonly-held beliefs. But this is a major issue if you and your mate disagree and is almost guaranteed to make for a bumpy relationship.

Lifestyle choices are sometimes judged by others. Even condemned. While this is unfortunate and unhealthy for the condemner's mental health, it happens all the time.

Whether you're a teenager approaching high-school graduation or an adult struggling to make some major choices, you need to think about what will make you happy. Not what your parents or friends will think of you, but you. Your own needs, preferences and desires. This isn't easy. Individuals can live a long time without truly understanding themselves, but seeking self-clarity is a tremendously important thing. We tend to seek our faults, our limitations and our struggles. This may all be hidden under bravado and our sadly external focus--we put more energy into picking houses and cars and clothing than we do in looking at ourselves.

The search for self-understanding needs to avoid self-condemnation. You're really not the jerk you fear yourself to be (even if you had some less-than-stellar behavior shopping on Black Friday). Look carefully at what makes you happiest at think about what will add most to your enjoyment of your life over the long haul.

You deserve to create the life you want.

GIVE THE GIRL A BREAK

"I was physically abused by my husband years ago to the point of barely surviving and my in-laws filed for custody of my 2 year-old daughter while I was in the hospital recovering. They won custody and took her away to another state. Because of her father's abuse, I was told I couldn't have her because it put her in danger. I wasn't told where she was and now she's 27. I finally found her living in the same state! We met and soon after I was invited to her house. I was thrilled! Unfortunately after I arrived I received a cold shoulder and felt that she wasn't interested in me. I left and tried to call, getting through once. Afterward, I was shut out.
I have been wanting to find her all these years only to live my worst fear, her rejection. How can I reach her without telling her bad things about her father?I want her to accept me as her birth mother. She won't even accept a phone call from me and I don't know why. I sense it is resentment for me not being there for her. Her father is dangerous and I am afraid of him. She wasn't told about the past, so everything is still tricky because he lives close to her. Is there a future for me and my daughter?"--Distressed Mother

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Dear Distressed Mother,

There might be a future relationship for you and your daughter, but you have to respect her right to work this through. Remember, from her point-of-view, you abandoned her. She's angry, sad and confused. All understandable. She doesn't have all the facts, either.

You didn't say whether or not she has a relationship with her father now. This could muddy things up, too.

Give the girl a break.

I don't know what you expected when you finally had contact with your daughter, but it isn't reasonable or fair to think that she'd hug you and take you in immediately as her long-lost, much-loved mom. Her cold shoulder was probably a result of her trying to deal with it all. She deserves time to process all this, to sort it through and make sense of the mess.

I recommend that you send her a letter, expressing your understanding of her mixed feelings and saying that you want whatever contact with her that she's ready to give. Don't bash her dad or your in-laws in the letter. Just tell her you respect her right to have whatever contact she wants...and then wait. If she does contact you for lunch or some other limited interaction, take it. Don't push for more than she's ready to give.

I realize none of this seems fair. After all, you were the abused one. You didn't get to raise your daughter and you're now possibly in the role of enemy. It's totally not fair, but this is what you're dealing with.

Should she contact you and want to begin establishing a relationship--think taming a wild animal--proceed with caution. Respect her and the life she's built for herself. At some point, however, it is important that you tell her about her father's abuse. She deserves the facts and she might be able to hear them if you refrain from defending yourself and just give the information. Remember, she's an adult and she's probably had her share of difficult relationships, too. Maybe not to the point of physical abuse, but she'll probably have had some challenging moments.

* * *

Give yourself a break. You probably have a skill that you don't even consider. Individuals tend not to consider those things that come easiest to them--"no big deal". But your ability isn't shared by everyone.

My husband has a high Kinesthetic intelligence--you know, like the great athletes? They jump and move their bodies in amazing ways. Roger is dismissive of his abilities because he doesn't think they're as great as some and because he's accustomed to always having had this. I, on the other hand, am not Kinesthetic. My intelligence lies in other areas.

Low self-esteem is a significant issue for many and part of this problem is that we don't have accurate assessments of ourselves. We dismiss those things we do well and tend to exaggerate our limitations. Having an accurate self-assessment is very important. We don't have every skill, but we need to see the ones we do have.

Having an accurate self-image allows us to work on the areas we struggle in and to accept the areas where we do well. Some skills will never be within my reach, but I'm good at some things and this is true of us all.

SHE WANTS KIDS NOW; HE'S NERVOUS

I have loved my fiancee for a long time. I'm simply not willing to let go and walk away. We get along great at times and she really is my best friend. We both want to get married and start a family as soon as possible, but she doesn't think that I share those desires with her. She feels like I'm just putting it off as long as I can, trying to make up my mind. She has some health issues and we also had a miscarriage, as well. She is 35 years old (I'm 30) and she knows all about the statistics on how she could have complications the longer she waits to have children. I understand and fear the same complications, but more than the fear of this, I worry about getting married, having a baby or two and the marriage falling apart. If we divorced, we'd cause our child to be raised in a broken home. This is so freaking scary that I simply can't give in and say okay, let's get the show on the road.

My number 1 reason for dragging my heels is I want to start a marriage with joy and peace, not anger and strife. I want to at least give counseling a try and see where that gets us. Maybe it works; maybe it doesn't. This is a huge argument for us. She is ready and wants kids NOW! She says she is happy enough with our life and relationship and feels like there is no need for counseling. She is extremely smart and I understand she doesn't want to feel there is anything in this world that she cannot figure out and fix on her own. I feel the same way, but I know that something has to change or our marriage will not last. I will my put myself, her or our potential children through that. I grew up in a house where there was a lot of anger and fighting. She thinks I want counseling because I want someone to tell me yes or no, that I either should or shouldn't marry her. That's not what I want at all. I just want to learn how to argue without fighting and how to disagree without making bothy of our lives miserable. There are happy couples all over the world and I want to be one of them. I'm not saying she doesn't make me happy. She makes me happier than anyone ever has in my life! I have never had someone who is so willing to do any and everything to help me.--Help!!

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Dear Help!!

She's certainly not willing to help you in this. Going to a therapist is very uncomfortable for some people, but they need to accept that there are some things you need help with. She wouldn't try to fix her own broken bone, she'd go to a specialist in this. Therapists who work with couples specialize in helping you know how to argue without fighting and to know how to best love one another.

If one half of a couple wants counseling, the other half better be listening. I'm surprised when one part of a couple thinks he or she can just decide that counseling isn't necessary. Couple decisions are joint decisions and both better be listening to each other or there will definitely be trouble ahead. A truly skilled counselor won't tell you whether or not to do anything, certainly not whether or not to get married. Counselors know that you are the one to best make your life decisions.

Her feeling of urgency is valid. The later pregnancy is put off, the more likelihood of problems. But it sounds as if you already have issues in the relationship that could lead--if not addressed--to a split later down the line. There's no such thing as happy enough. Either you are or you aren't. If the relationship worked, you wouldn't be at this stand-off. This isn't to say the problems are huge or unworkable, however. You can learn to listen to one another and to say what you need. A really good therapist wants to help you learn how to work through the issues. She wants you not to need her forever.

Good therapists are always trying to work their way out of a job. Go for counseling yourself, if she won't go with you.

* * *

Loving another person isn't the strongest reason to act in their best interests--it's really about loving yourself.

We're often very confused about love. The term is thrown around very loosely. We love sandwiches, high heels, our dogs and our children, but these aren't all the same. There are love songs and movies about love, but when it comes right down to it--love is about doing what's best for the other person. Period.

The interesting, complicated part of all this, though, is that what's good for one person can't be bad for another person. We're all interwoven. I can't act in a way that will hurt those I love and not be hurt myself.

While that may seem obvious, think about all the individuals who are cheating in their relationships, claiming they love two people at the same time? Do both of those people agree? Do they feel loved in the situation? Love is both a powerful emotion and certain behaviors--which aren't always the same. When our feelings conflict with what we believe we need to do, we need to look at the choices--the actions--more closely.

This opens up a discussion of what's best for them and you. This isn't clear sometimes and it can take a good, long look and sometimes you need consultation with an objective third party.

LEARN FROM IT

Bad stuff happens and if we're paying attention, we look for the lesson. This isn't to say that random bad things don't happen. They do. Just watch the news. People get what they don't deserve all the times. In our difficult economy, people lose jobs and homes and self-respect. Most of them don't deserve any of this, but asking yourself what you need to learn is a good response to crappy things.

This is true in a lot of situations and it doesn't mean you're accepting that you're stupid. Not true.

But you need to figure out the best life choices and this isn't easy. The only way we really learn is by getting the consequences of our choices. Some very small percentage of us sometimes learn from seeing others' choices, but this is rare.

Parents tend to want to shelter their kids from the bad choices, and this is very natural, but carried too far, it blunts the learning process. Let's face it, we need to screw up sometimes to see how life works. When a tiny scrap of humanity is born into your family, you tend to want to buffer all the cold winds from it, but don't always give in to this urge.

When bad things happen to you--whether this is financial, physical or relational--your best response is to look at what you've contributed to the problem. Sometimes our contribution is in the form of what we didn't do or what we did out of concern for another, but we really need to see the results of our actions in order to get the most from the crummy times.

We certainly want to minimize these and learning from them can enable us to achieve this.
Our lessons are more obvious when they just involve us, but life doesn't always work this way. Relationships more often end in split-ups than any of us want. This may happen early in a dating experience, after you've been together a while or years into a marriage. When there are so many emotions and a ton of history, it can be difficult to see our own contributions. You know, the stuff you did and didn't do.

That's the part you have some control over--the stuff you did.

How you respond to various things is in your power, even if you feel really powerless over what's going on. You decide what to say, what to do, when to act--all of your behaviors. It may sound as if I'm over-simplifying, but this is an important issue. You contribute half of any relationship, romantic, relational or friendship. You get to decide on how you respond to whatever is happening. This is your power. You get to walk away, to stay in and work at being different or to turn your partner/friend into the police.

Think about the Madoff family. They had to respond to significantly bad behavior on Bernie Madoff's part and he was their father, her husband. What would you do if your relative made some REALLY bad choices? Cheated or kill someone? Involved herself in infidelity or beat his kids?

It all gets much murkier when you're in the mix; when you're close to the situation. One of my clients took an open-container ticket for a boyfriend she's no longer with. Already with several DUIs to his discredit, he handed her the can of beer. In hindsight, she feels really stupid for having allowed this, but at the moment, he was her soul mate, the man she shared her life with.
Not so simple.

These kinds of choices are made clearer when you can separate out your part, what you've done or not done. Make sure you're clear on your part. What you contributed to the situation. She wasn't the one with the DUIs, but she did accept the beer from him when the officer stopped them. She has to look at her part.

We all need to learn from our choices--and we need not to beat ourselves up so badly that we can't see the lesson. We've all done foolish things for a variety of reasons. That's just part of being human, but we can choose to learn from our choices, to develop wisdom from what works for us and what doesn't.

You may feel badly about situations, but make sure you forgive yourself and learn from it.

BEING 13 SUCKS * EXCRUTIATING SELF-CONSCIOUSNESS

"I'm not sure what to do anymore. Many nights I end up crying myself to sleep. My dad never seems to notice anything or care. His main focus is work. If he isn't working, he's on the computer or watching TV. My mom thinks she's doing what's best for us, but I can't seem to see it from her perspective. Whenever I tell my parents or any of my siblings something (that I know is correct), they always argue. She never takes my side. She always takes my dad's side because he "knows what's best." If she doesn't take my dad's side, it's my older sister because she's older and I should listen to her, or my younger sister because she's younger and I should treat her more kindly. I'm 13 and the middle child. It seems like she never really cares about me anymore. My older sister gets all the new clothes and her wardrobe is 3 times as large as mine. I get her hand-me-downs, even though I'm a bigger size than her. My little sister gets new clothes and goes through about 3 sets a day. She never folds her own clothes, so she doesn't care how much she changes. I have the bare minimum. I go through all my clothes in less than a week. I always get stuck doing the chores because my little sister is too young to do it (even though she's 10) and my older sister has too much homework. (I've seen her work. She has about an hour's worth of it.) My little sister is always taking my things without asking. Every time I tell her she needs to ask me first, she throws a big fit and my parents blame me for being too harsh on her. I know my parents do what they think is the best for me, but it just doesn't feel like it. I'm naturally a shy person, too, so I don't have anyone at school who I can talk to about this. It's getting worse really quickly now. PLEASE HELP!"--I think I hate my family

#

Dear I think,

You're in a bad spot and you have my sympathies. Being the middle child is always difficult, as is being 13. You're just finishing middle school and then you'll head off to high school, which is a big place, aimed toward launching you out into adulthood.

Not knowing your family, I can't dispute anything you're saying, but I'd like to encourage you to forge ahead. You seem bright and articulate. Don't give up on yourself--or on your family--just yet.

Everyone in this is facing challenges, even your younger sister. You're dad and mom are trying to feed you all and keep a roof over your head--not a simple thing in these times. Your older sister--who may very well be a pain to live with--is already in high school, which can be socially challenging as well as academically important. When she graduates, she'll be an adult and that's a pretty scary place. Even if she's sure of what she wants to do for a career, she'll have many difficult choices ahead of her.

Academic/job choices. Relationship choices. Alcohol/drug choices. Even friendships can be deceiving and dangerous.

Your younger sister, too, while seeming like she's got it easy, faces the burden of being the youngest--resented by her siblings and pampered by her parents. She'll have to deal with self-doubt eventually and she may be experiencing that now. Youngest kids are prone to being unsure of their own ability to face the world, having had someone always there before to smooth the way.

So, no one's having a picnic here...although everyone may be better dressed than you.

Your being on the shy side makes this more challenging. I know all about that. Let me encourage you, however. Step out, even when it's scary. I know this is difficult and probably the last thing you want to do. But join a club, get active in your church or in a service organization for kids. Do your homework and make academics work for you.

Then, do the scary thing--smile at other people. This may seem silly and random, but try it. This free, low-calorie activity is amazingly powerful. When you smile at people--kids in your school, people in stores, random neighbors--most of them will smile back. You'll have engaged them. They'll notice you in a good way. Ignore the ones who don't smile back. They're probably locked in their own troubles.

(Also ignore any creepy responses. Perverts live amongst us.)

When you're shy, you tend to be very self-conscious. The trick here is to turn your focus on others. Ask about their hobbies, their weekend activities, their opinions of things at school. Some people will bore the heck out of you; others will become your friends.

I have two daughters and one was so shy she didn't even speak to those she didn't know well, despite having a great vocabulary. There were times her father and I spoke for her, but we went out of our way to encourage her to interface with the world. (We refused to ask for drink refills for her when she was eight and didn't want to talk to the waitress.) She's an adult now and perfectly functional. She's a medical student and has lots of friends.

Be brave, even though things are not always fair. You won't always be a kid and you won't always have such limited wardrobe options--you can step out and make this life your own.

* * *

"EXCRUCIATING SELF-CONSCIOUSNESS"
One of my clients--an intelligent, articulate young guy who doubts himself a lot--described this experience. We even have a diagnosis for it these days--Social Anxiety.

Everyone has moments when they feel stupid and tongue-tied, as goofy and stupid as the folks we see on reality television. Some people, though, are very shy and struggle to interact. They may have panic attacks and bear the symptoms of generalized anxiety. Being introverted isn't terminal, though. It's not a disorder and we shouldn't accept it as such.

This isn't a deep character flaw. If you deal with this, don't let yourself succumb to thinking you'll always be this way or that you have no options. Don't believe there's something wrong with you. Introverts are statistically in the minority, but that doesn't make them disturbed or alter the fact that introversion brings as many gifts as it has awkward aspects.

Learning to manage one's social experience and exposure is part of becoming a well-functioning adult. Know what works for you and helps you be the best person you can be. Some people gain energy from social interaction; others lose energy from lots of interaction with others. This doesn't mean there's something wrong with you. Introverts have a better self-knowledge--nothing to dismiss, let me tell you. Lots of folks struggle because they don't really know themselves.

So, introversion--being shy--isn't a bad or terminal thing. Just learn how to handle who you are. Reach out to those around you and be okay with having personal boundaries. This is your right and your responsibility. You can learn to reach out to others and to give yourself private times. Studies tell us that even the most extroverted among us grows more internal as they get older. Introverts have a greater knowledge of themselves, of their own thoughts and reactions. This can be a tremendous value.

You can do both. Learn to socialize and gain from interacting with others; learn to use your alone time profitably and recharge your power-packs.

DRIVING HER CRAZY

My husband and I have been married for 8 of our 15 years together and recently, everything has spun so out of control that neither one of us knows each other anymore. The root of the problem is three years ago my husband cheated on me. I know I chose to stay in my marriage and move on with him, so I should deal with this hurt. But it has consumed me so much that I have panic attacks on a daily basis, thinking he is cheating on me again with people I know or people at his work. It's driving me crazy. Every night it's the same thing--he sleeps on the couch and I'm in the bed with our three kids because I don't want to be alone. I love my husband, but I've truly come to hate myself for the emotional breakdowns I have on a daily basis.

Today I felt like I would rather be dead than to be without him. He told me he can't deal with my jealousy issues anymore. I know I have serious issues and I'm to the point of not knowing what to do or who to turn to. I feel so much hate from him toward me. We don't talk normally anymore. When he kisses me on rare occasions, it doesn't seem real and when he tells me he loves me, it feels like just routine words. He swears he's not cheating on me and I believe that, but then he flirts with people right in front of me and makes me feel like he's trying to push my buttons. I again know I have to change, but he's not willing to even try to change or--more importantly--be supportive of my emotional breakdowns. Instead, he just fuels the fire. I'm so lost and confused about what I need to do with my life. I don't want to lose my husband or family, but I can't shake my insecurities. Please help.---B

#

Dear B,

Of course, you can't shake your insecurities in the marriage, your husband cheated on you. Jealousy in this situation is perfectly normal. He's already proven himself to be unreliable in this department. Trusting him not to be unfaithful again without some sort of change in him and in the relationship, isn't to be expected...except he seems to expect that.

For your own sake and that of your children, I urge you to find a supportive therapist. If money is an issue--and it is for most people these days--look for a therapist who works on a sliding scale.

You're struggling with this still because we can't just wish relationship issues away. Anytime infidelity rears it's ugly head in a relationship, there were problems before the cheating and even more problems after. These need to be dealt with. Your having chosen to stay in the marriage doesn't mean the pain of his betrayal should just disappear. Of course, you're upset.

While you might have a hard time seeing yourself without him, remember that feelings aren't the full reality and that this moment, this struggle won't last forever. It just seems that way, but suicide is a permanent act. Don't hurt yourself today over something that won't be such a large issue next year.

Your kids still need you and love you.

The relationship has issues that have to be addressed if you're going to stay married to the guy. Again, get a therapist. Being married--or committed to another person without legal ties--is one of the hardest things we do in this world. When things are really rough, you need a guide through the forest. Your husband may not be cheating on you now, but it's very natural that you should doubt this and that you are very aware of everything he does and doesn't do. Infidelity makes you hyper-conscious and worried.

Even though your husband did this bad thing and you're struggling to forgive him, you need also to hear from him the problems that existed in the marriage before his infidelity. It's very hard for the wronged spouse to get beyond the hurt to actually hear her mate's complaints about her. After all, he's the dog who went sniffing after someone else.... But if you want a chance at healing the relationship, you have to see what went wrong.

He's the best person to do this with because he's been on the front lines with you. You need to hear what he has to say. I cannot say enough that I know this is very hard. After all, you loved him and he betrayed you. Getting beyond your insecurities means getting beyond this blow to the relationship. Marriages can actually heal after infidelity, but you both have to get into the trenches and work on it.

Sleeping with your kids while he's on the couch isn't doing anyone any good. For one thing, you've drawn the kids into this. It's impossible for children not to be effected by their parents' relationship issues, but having them replace daddy in bed, isn't helping.

I wrote a book entitled "Should I Leave Him?" addressing many of these issues and more. You definitely need to do something for yourself.

Get a counselor. Talk to a profession and listen. Your pain and anxiety is understandable and you deserve some support.

* * *

We are all foster kids in some ways.

When a child has lost even an unsatisfactory home and hearth, it's natural that losing at all becomes an issue. Both my husband and I see foster kids in therapy and they almost always struggle to lose at games. But the desire to be winners, to jump on the winning side, can be seen throughout our culture.

When a sports team begins winning, more people become fans. I live near the home stadium of the Texas Rangers, who won the American League Championship and are now playing in the 2011 World Series. Suddenly, everyone is a fan. Everyone's watching the games on television and wearing the Rangers' logo. Even people who don't normally have much interest in sports want to be identified with a winner.

Because we all have moment when we don't feel like much of a winner.

Foster kids have a hard time accepting that their foster status is not their fault. It had nothing to do with them anymore than all of us local Texas fans had anything to do with the Rangers doing so well. Not our achievement, but we certainly want now to be associated with them.

We want to be winners. This is natural because we associate winning--at games or sports or whatever--with being a good and strong person. Being powerful. Who the heck doesn't want to be powerful?

PUNISHED LOVE LEAVES

"I am a 25 year old professional working in India. I am in a relationship with a girl of the same age from past 3 years. We are no yet married, but we were staying together for last 1 year. I was down with a nagging chest pain for few months and my entire routine got affected due to that. I tried very hard to go for the job. I still managed with her support an care.

Due to my ill health, my work got affected and my performance came down. I started feeling pressurized from all directions. Although we communicated well, we argued because sometimes she comes home little late after her work. Since the place is not so safe, I used to tell her to leave the office on time. It always happens in the other way. One day, she got very late and lost her way. I was a bit angry on her because she repeated the same despite my warnings. I did not go to pick her up. She came home and did not speak a word. I also kept silent. I knew that she was hurt by my behavior. She did not expect this of me.

I usually don't take out my feelings outside, thinking it might hurt her. I suppressed everything within and one day she asked why am I not loving her the way I used to. For the first time, I raised my voice to her. She felt that I don't give importance to her. I was literally tired of thinking about our marriage, my bad health job and financial commitments. She felt I was angry with her. In fact, I was angry with myself because things were going out of my control.

She told me that she is not interested in continuing the relationship. She moved out, saying she doesn't want to see or talk to me anymore. She doesn't reply to mail or phone calls. I understand she's hurt and I realice that this is my fault. I behaved rudely, but only once. I feel guilty after that incident, but she is not ready to listen to me. She said that she's lost the trust in me, but I need her in my life.

Please extend your support in the form of advice or actions to heal my relationship with my love."--H

#

Dear H,

I don't think there's much you can do that you haven't already tried. Be honest with yourself, though. This was more than a one-time argument. You've had multiple stressors--what with ill health and job demands--and it's understanable that you've been distressed, but your actions in the relationship haven't helped.

You've been a jerk to her. When we are distressed, we tend to take it out on those closest to us. The ones who love us the most.

You didn't pick her up when she was lost and called you for help. You said yourself that you were angry because she hadn't listened to your warnings. Your frustration about this is understandable, but your behavior was out of line. You may have see this as the consequences of her actions, that she would learn from her bad choices, but she felt unloved. You've been withdrawn from her--as evidenced by her asking if you still loved her--and then there was the one time you yelled at her.

You may be very upset about having lost the relationship, but it's probably gone too far. Relationships die when we abuse and ignore the ones we love. Now, your best bet is to respect her wishes not to talk with you.

Listen to what she wants. Act as if her decisions, her desires are important to you...even if you don't like what she's decided.

* * *

We counselors hear it a lot--couples in trouble say they have developed "trust issues." While the term isn't very clear, it usually means the same thing. They don't feel safe and loved in the relationship anymore.

This usually happens after a breach: Someone cheats, lies or abuses the other person.

You can't flip a switch and instantly heal a broken relationship. It just doesn't work this way and once doubt enters into a love connection, there's trouble in River City. Whether or not it feels like you should have earned brownie points for all the time you were loving and loyal and non-abusive, your actions have now damaged the relationship.

Healing in relationships is a matter of serious change combined with time. The wrong-doer(possibly both of you) has to behave differently for more than a week or a month. It'll probably be even longer before your love feels safe in the relationship again. Things have to change. The difficulty with bouncing back after an assault of this nature is that relationships are so intimate, so vital, so much to the core of who you are--this person loves you and that love is supposed to protect you from hurt and pain. Right?

When the very person who loves you most does a horrible, scary, unacceptable thing, it hurts badly. Trust is damaged. This is the time to learn to communicate clearly--really listen, really learn to say what you need to say. Communicating clearly is challenging and vital.

I'll bet your partner has lots to say.

GIRLFRIEND'S DIRTY KIDS

"I need some advice about issues with by girlfriend's children that are 16, 19 & 20 and her mother, who lives with us. I find that the children and mother-in-law are lazy and I am constantly having to clean up after them with many issues, such as towels left on counters, and mostly dishes. Many times I have cleaned a sink full of dishes and the kitchen, just to go back to the kitchen an hour later and find that the kids have finally brought dirty dishes from their rooms and just left them in the sink. I have asked them repeatedly to put their dishes in the dishwasher, just to hear them say that that this isn't their chore and that if we wanted them to do that, we need to pay them chore money.

Am I being too picky, asking them to clean up after themselves? This is what my girlfriend and her mother tell me?--PK

#

Dear PK,

Nope, you're not being too picky, but clearly your asking the kids to change their ways isn't helping. Who will clean up after them when they move out on their own? Two are already legally adults and the third is so close to adult that she'd be tried as one if she committed a major crime.

You're in a tough spot, though, and the biggest problem isn't with your girlfriend's kids, it's with you and her.

I'm going to guess that you love your girlfriend or you wouldn't continue living in such an uncongenial state, but the two of you really need to start addressing some of the problems within the home. You obviously don't have a clear understanding of the structure in the home and haven't decided who is responsible for what.

There may be things you didn't mention--like you possibly being unemployed while she, her mother and the kids are all working outside the home. In that case, the employed mate sometimes feels the unemployed mate should pick up the slack at home. But this may not be the case at all. Regardless of other factors, you and the girlfriend as the adults in the home--mother-in-law aside--are the foundation of this blended family. If you work together, you'll have a much more harmonious home. If not, you get conflict like the one you're having.

Housework--who does it, when it's done and how clean a home is kept--is one of the biggest conflicts couples face. This is a bigger deal than most people feel like it should be, but many relationship issues come into play here. You need to have a serious discussion about how you want the home kept. Don't always assume everyone feels the same about cleanliness as you. There's a huge range. Some highly intelligent people just don't care. They do their laundry when they run out of socks and underwear, not before. They wash dishes when there's nothing clean left to use. Others are appalled by this, feeling dishes should be cleaned immediately after use and laundry done on a regular schedule.

You and your girlfriend need first to talk about and resolve how you want to keep your environment. I like making my bed; my husband doesn't care. Not everyone feels the same. Then when this is worked out, you need to deal with the issue of who does what. Some people are used to cleaning up after their children; others give the kids extensive chores.

In this case, your girlfriend might want to ask herself if she's really being a helpful parent. I believe that allowing young adults to maintain irresponsible, self-defeating behaviors is the opposite of love. Your girlfriend isn't doing her kids any favor by continuing to pick up after them. Real life doesn't usually provide maid service and they'll find this out soon enough.

* * *

When one of my daughters started her medical degree, she lived with her dad and I, just having left a relationship. Medical school is incredibly difficult, requiring a huge amount of study and effort. So caring for regular life chores fell on our shoulders. We cleaned up after her kitten, did the grocery shopping and took care of her laundry as well as ours.

She was starting medical school, for heaven's sake.

But then after six months or so under our roof, she found a roommate with a small house close to the school and she moved out. We missed her and worried that she'd have too much on her plate, but in reality, the girl needs to do her own laundry. There's something empowering about maintaining the regular rhythms of life whether it's laundry, filling your car's tank with gas or buying groceries.

In truth, we parents sometimes just want to be helpful. Yes, kids are sometimes frustrating, annoying jerks, but most parents have no problem going out of their way to assist their kids in being more successful. It's what we want. We just need to realize that in addition to creating friendships and dating relationships, taking care of themselves is part of kids learning to be an adult.

It's important that children believe in their own capacity. They need to know they can work through issues and deal with the tough stuff that comes their way. Don't get me wrong, parents are still really, really important. Recently my daughter told me in a matter-of-fact voice that her dad is absolutely the best dad ever. And he is. He fills her car's tank with gas and gets the oil changed when it's due. He takes walks with her when she comes over, asks about her studies and always is interested in what she's doing. When she had her first fender-bender a year of so ago, we both rushed to the spot in response to her call.

We love her enough to know she needs to make her way in the world, though, and to be sure of her own strength. You don't get that by someone else always doing things for you.

CONVENIENCE STORE COMFORT

A client of mine recently spoke about his depression and his tendency to isolate himself. The one thing he did regularly was to visit a convenience store near his home. He liked to go there and get a drink, talk to the clerks and, in that way, get out of himself and his dark moments for just a little.

In a world with troubled, flawed relationship interactions, our brief personal contacts gain an even greater value. We human beings are very impacted by small moments. A study of this years ago had librarians make fleeting physical contact with some patrons--a brief tough of fingers when books were passed back and forth--and then these library patrons were interviewed as they exited the building. Those in the group that were briefly touched by the librarians had a significantly higher opinion of the library services. The only difference in the groups studied was that touch.

We crave and value human contact, both physical and social. We also struggle with this very thing. Relationships can be conflicted and unpleasant, but we need them, of some sort.

It is central to human nature--many many studies confirm this--to feel better, to value life more, to be more optimistic, when we have some level of positive interactions with other human beings. This can be seen in the large number of ways we seek involvement with people from the vast numbers of singles looking for relationships on dating websites, to the rallying behind winning sports teams, the involvement in clubs focusing on various hobbies and activities, the flourishing of social interaction on Facebook(and similar sites) and even in the tendency some have to engage in random sexual contact through sex clubs.

We all want to be significant to someone, to be winners, to feel we're not alone.

Recognize this about yourself and learn to satisfy your own needs in ways that fit your lifestyle and values. Even self-help groups like AA have a big social component. The thinking behind this is that individuals helping individuals can ease the struggles of all. Reaching out to other people helps us feel better.

This can become burdensome when we struggle to craft a social interaction that fits our needs. You might start this off by recognizing the interactions you do have. Even as small an interchange as smiling as you pass by others can lift your spirits and bring you positive social response. The smiling thing is way bigger than you may think. In general, we rush along tending to the business of our lives and fail to even acknowledge those around us. Strangers in large cities may have learned not to respond to random folk, but being nice to a store clerk or a waiter isn't likely to draw you into an unwanted interaction.

Look at the people around you. They need interaction, too. Like you, they are hesitant to initiate what may be unwelcome notice, but this is a risk that can bring big rewards. Try it out. You can start in the most innocuous ways...just smile. Make the slightest of contacts with the person who gives you your change. You're not demanding anything, just offering. Not everyone will respond. Some are too caught up in their own lives and we don't need to condemn them. But others will smile back or thank you more warmly for your business.

Let yourself be a gift to the people who come into contact with you. You'll benefit, too.

STEP-MOM 911

"I am a step-mom. My husband and I got married 1 1/2 years ago and I don't have any kids of my own, nor do I plan on having any. I really like and love my step-kids. I formed a healthy bond with them when we dated for over a year. I consider us friend and I do 'step-mom' things like cook dinner, take them to social events and school, do fun things together, talk, laugh and listen. All that and this is still a very difficult role. My husband and his ex- have been divorced for about eight or nine years. The kids were very young. The divorce was extremely high conflict and very expensive for my husband. There is still tons of dislike between them and there has never been any co-parenting on their parts.

My husband is a "fun dad". The kids adore him. They've never had chores and never picked up after themselves. At least, not at their dad's, but they do at their mom's house. He worries so much about them not wanting to come to our house (for no reason except is is a looming possibility in his mind that could lead to more court dates and more $$).

Recently, my 11 year old step-daughter has decided she can't go to sleep alone. She cries and comes in our bedroom over and over again throughout the night, waking us up. Sometimes my husband will read her to sleep, then fall asleep in her bed. He wakes up in the middle of the night and comes back to our bed. It makes for very interrupted sleep for us both. This is happening on a regular basis and is making for some tired, grumpy adults. We both need sleep!!!

We don't talk about it because my husband doesn't "know how much it will help." I say we have to talk about this. Otherwise, too much resentment builds up. His daughter and her mom sleep together every night when she is with her mom and that just makes it more difficult at our house.

I feel very powerless. I know the step-parent role is more supportive than anything else, but when my husband constantly tries to please and entertain the kids the entire time they are with us, what am I supposed to do? Everything is on hold when the kids are with us. We have to find a way to balance happy kids with a happy marriage."

#

Dear Powerless,

As you know, the problem here starts with your husband and you. His daughter is struggling to cope with very different parenting situations and she's getting the raw end of this deal--as are you.

First off, dad needs to realize that structure, expectations and consequences help kids feel safe with you. If he's so focused on entertaining them, he's not giving them a strong, safe haven--they don't feel secure and this is contributing to your step-daughter's anxiety issues. Dad needs to help his children get ready for life (and worry less about his bank balance). Kids need to participate in household chores because they're part of the household. This is part of self-confidence and will help them move forward into a strong adulthood.

But you know a lot of this. You just can't get your husband to see it. Since he won't even talk with you about this issue, I recommend you go to therapy yourself, inviting your husband to come with you, if he will. The longer you let this relationship disconnect continue, the more like the marriage will develop even larger problems.

BTW, a good therapist can also help your step-daughter deal with her fears. She needs someone objective on her side.

* * *

Children need both power and security. They deserve both. This means they need the security that comes through consistency and follow-through. Even if they don't like you insisting they follow certain rules, your doing so helps them to feel than can rely on you. You're strong enough to stand up to them, so you're probably strong enough to protect them.

Parents who are weenies with their kids and never want to be the bad guy just conveys to the kids that they're basically alone--as small as they are--in a big world. Heck, if you can't stand up to your child, you don't seem like you're very tough.

In addition to the safety of having a reliable, consistent system in the home, kids need to experience their own personal power. They need some--not all, but some--things they get to decide about. When my younger daughter was six, she put her hand on her hip and ask why I cared about whether she picked up her room--it was her room. I know from having talked to a lot of parents that this is one area they feel they should have the right to be the most powerful, but what the kid said made sense to me. It was her room.

From that day forward we instituted another system--she was to keep her stuff out of the public areas(living room, kitchen, shared bathroom) because the rest of the family lived there, but she could keep her own room any way she wanted (Power!) The only stipulation on this was that there was to be no food in her room as that would attract bugs which would effect the rest of us.

The kid was absolutely right. I didn't live in her room, she did. Why did she have to keep it to my specifications? For eight long years, her room was hugely messy. I'm talking shoes and clothes on the floor. Piles of them. I never cleaned it up or insisted she do so. I also never went into the mess, looking for what she lost--if she wanted to live that way, she had to deal with losing things.

When she was fourteen, though, I came home to find her room spotless. She was going off to high school and she felt the need to organize her life some. Good for her.

I don't advocate letting kids run your life or even their own lives. Although we allowed her to keep her room the way she wanted, we followed through consistently with other issues. When she was doing Vision Therapy to deal with an inherited tendency toward dyslexia, I enforced her doing those activities like I was a Nazi. Her learning to read was a way bigger deal than whether her room was clean.

To this day, sometimes she's messy. I don't really care. She's not messing up my home and she's reaching an even bigger goal--she's in medical school.

I strongly advocate that we let our kids find and maintain their own personal power. This can be done without compromising their health or their welfare and it's massively important to help them realize their own strength.

RELATIONSHIP BENEFITS

Many studies report that having relationships helps your health, but they do more than that if you're working it right.

Relationships, however, can also help us be better people. Our interactions with others can be irritating, annoying--even maddening--but our closest relationships can also be very fulfilling and highly educational. We learn the most in relationships. I've long held that the hardest things we do on this earth are parenting and intimate relationships. More than brain surgery and rocket science. Not everyone chooses to parent(absolutely their choice), but most people engage in some kind of intimacy with a significant other.

We are at our best and our worst with those closest to us and this makes these intimate interactions frequently complicated. Anyone who says relationships are simple, aren't paying attention.

In order to gain from our relationships, however, we have to let go of the desire to always be right. No one is always right. As a matter of fact, this isn't even the most important issue. We need to be able to express our experiences and feelings to our loved ones and to hear what they feel, as well.

The "Right-ness" of the conflicts between you falls somewhere between you and him. We all have valid perspectives. Too often though, it seems as if the other person being right means you're "wrong", which feels bad. No one wants to be somewhere they're always wrong. Remember that when you're fighting with your mate, trying to be right more than he is. If you're right all the time, then he's wrong all the time. This just feels bad. Not only will he feel misunderstood, but he won't want to be with you.

Who wants to be wrong all the time?

When you listen to your mate's perspective, you'll hear some things you don't like. This is unavoidable. Hopefully, your mate won't come at you with a judgemental "you suck" approach, but he's bound to see some things and some interactions differently than do you. He won't like some of the things you do or don't do and he'll feel hurt sometimes. But you still need to hear him.

The challenging part about communication in relationship is tuning into the other person's reality without completely denying your own.

You're feelings and perspective matters, too. What you experience, what you feel--these are very important things. Letting go of an absolute right/wrong perspective helps us to understand the other guy's experience. Everybody has some valid points. The secret here is that understanding leads to openness, which is therapy-speak for "he's more likely to hear you if he feels you hear him."

Early in my own marriage, my husband told me that when we fought he felt like he had a Civil War cannon and I had a machine gun. This wasn't easy to hear, but it was very, very important. The guy felt seriously out-gunned every time we talked about anything important. He felt like I wasn't listening and that he couldn't win. This wasn't at all what I wanted, so I learned to talk slower and I try to listen to what he's saying, even if I don't like it.

When you're listening to your partner's take on things, he'll make observations about your behavior and some of the things he says will upset you. You will have a powerful urge to deny this--He's wrong! You never did those things! You certainly never meant the things he says you probably meant! Think about it, though. How do you feel when you have stuff to say to him? You want him to listen to what you're saying, not tell you all the reasons you're wrong. His defensiveness signals to you that he's not listening. This is undoubtedly not what he's trying to convey, but he feels attacked by your observations(accurate though they may be) and he's trying to "explain" them away. His trying to explain just lead to you not feeling listened to.

So, don't defend yourself or explain when he's talking to you. This is really tough, but it's really, really important. You probably need to take a serious look at what he's saying about your behavior. This is one of the major benefits of relationships--they help us learn to be better people.

IN-LAW DRAMA

"How do you deal with in-laws who don't like you? My boyfriend 'John' and I have been together for 37 years on and off and have been living together for 20 years. I have done nothing to my in-laws in the past to make them dislike me. I am 11 years younger than my boyfriend and in the beginning he was nice enough to pay for several semesters of my college. They think I'm with him for his money, but he really doesn't have much. I could work and easily support myself, but that doesn't impress them.

John is diabetic and they say I don't do enough for him.... He is also handicapped and I do try to assist him, but when I reach to him, they jump on me telling me that he can do it himself. When I don't try to help him, they step in and help him themselves. Seems I can't win.

His younger sister recently came for a visit from out-of-state. She would not stay at our house and she invited him out for lunch or dinner, telling him I was not invited.

I've had words with his brother and his other sister about his diabetes care. Although he blood sugar is still not where his doctors suggest, I have been doing all I can, making his meals sugar-free and keeping starches at a minimum. John says to ignore his family, that I can't change how they are, but with his diabetes getting worse, I could use their help.

I feel shaky after we had words with his brother and sister. Earlier in the month, a friend of mine committed suicide and I was laid-off in August. My dog of fifteen years won't be with us for much longer, either, and this family stuff adds to the problems. I feel sick all the time and I've lost my appetite.

John has been good to me, supporting me and even told his brother to leave our house when he insulted me. I think his mom liked me (but who knows what she said when not in my presence). We were all getting along pretty well before she passed away. Now it seems their attention has turned to my boyfriend, like they need to take care of him now that his mom is gone. It's like I don't exist. Please tell me how to cope."--N.

#

Dear N,
My condolences on the loss of John's mother and the death of your friend. John's family is struggling and grieving and behaving really badly toward you. Even if they don't like you much, John's relationship choices are his own. After all this time, it's not likely that they can make you go away. They need to butt out.

You're right, you can't win, so let it go. You can't make people like you. You've tried with no luck.
If John's diabetes gets worse, let him ask his siblings for assistance. This isn't your job. Focus on living your life with John. His supporting you in the face of his siblings' bad behavior is golden.

* * *

Lots of people are anxious--about money, job loss, terrorist plots. Anxiety disorders are on the increase with as many as 40 million people reporting anxiety issues. These can be intense and debilitating and range from a generalized on-going fear of bad things happening to full blown panic attacks that send you to the emergency room, feeling like you're having a heart attack.

There's no question that our world faces many issues and that disasters, both natural and man-made, are disturbing our lives.

The real trouble comes in, however, when you face a "normal" day and yet nothing feels normal. You can have these fears and anxieties with no apparent threat and that's even more surreal. Some people worry that they're losing their minds or developing life-altering mental illnesses.

Before you decide that you're going over the edge, though, you need to take a deep breath and consider a few things.

You are stronger than you feel. Don't forget this. You're capable, functional and intelligent. You don't always feel this way, but you are more capable than you give yourself credit for. Even though you have moments of fear, you're still you.

Anxiety is an emotion. You don't want to disregard this sometimes paralyzing feeling, but you need to put it in context. This is a feeling like happiness, sadness and anger. All emotions. Feelings add color--dark and light--to life, but they aren't the complete, total reality. Just a part of it.

Some people have anxiety because they're afraid they can't deal with life--they just don't see their successes. The things they handle well. This is the largest percentage of anxiety sufferers. Those who don't see their own strengths.

A smaller group have waves of anxiety when not attending to their emotional lives. Some just disregard the impactful events around them, telling themselves they ought not be upset. Let's be clear--when your job is laying people off or your parents are struggling with health issues, it's very natural to feel anxiety and fear. Sometimes anxiety is just your emotions knocking at the door, wanting to to acknowledge to yourself what you feel. Natural, normal feelings.

Either way, anxiety isn't going to kill you. I don't mean this to sound at all diminishing of your experience. The emotions are real and powerful. As a young adult, I had panic attacks myself. I know some of this terrain. I only say the emotion won't kill you to encourage you to realize that you're okay. You might not feel okay, but you are. You really are.

Whether you need to see your successes--to acknowledge to yourself that you're capable--or if you need to recognize that you're in a stressful, anxiety situation, you can handle this. It doesn't have to control your life or stay with you forever.

Have some faith in yourself. You're really an okay person.

FACE YOUR FEAR

All of us have fears, things we really don't want to happen. No matter how strong and positive you see yourself as or simply try to be, fear is a natural emotion and it can haunt your dreams and cripple your waking hours.
You may fear for loved ones--your children, your mate, your parents--or for yourself.
Therapists have seen a rise in the number of clients paralyzed by anxiety and fear. Some have full blown panic attacks and a number of these folks head first to emergency rooms, convinced they're having a heart attack. More and more people take medication to cope with this gripping sense of dread and, let's be honest, life can be pretty scary. Many have money issues and relationship issues and some just can't get out of bed.
The frustrating thing about the most extreme version of this--anxiety disorders--is that the vise that grips most sufferers is a fear that they again will be consumed by fear. It sounds ironic and even silly to those not dealing with it, but this is no joke.
Even the garden-variety fears, those that don't cripple you, can still have way too much power and trigger you to make choices you wouldn't otherwise. This can be a factor in the education you pursue--fear of not making good enough grades, of not being good enough at a profession--leads many individuals to the jobs they fall back on. Some fear not making the grade and they they don't go to school. Some when in school choose majors that they feel are less rigorous and more achievable.
Nothing wrong with deciding where you want to put your energy and where you don't, but when the decision is based on your fear that you won't succeed, well, that's another matter. Sadly this is a factor in relationship choice, as well. How many of you are dating a fall-back? Someone less interesting or less attractive to you.
The fear of failing is a monster that consumes some of us and can paralyze an individual to the point of not trying. They live with the motto that not trying is less risky than trying and failing.
Not so.
If fear of failure haunts you, you need to address the reality that all of us fail. We all fall down, but the biggest failure is letting this control you. In learning to walk, the average toddler falls ten thousand times. 10,000 falls. No one would suggest, however, that the toddler just give it up.
The truth is that we will all lose loved ones to death and relationship failure. We'll be fired or laid off. We'll face romantic rejection after rejection. Life can be a bitch and accepting that reality helps us to see that it's not just us that are messing up. Everyone does. Some are just better at hiding this.
I am the parent of two children. All through their childhood years, the elder was the most spectacular in her screw-ups and failures. The younger screwed up too, she was just less visible with her mistakes. External versus internal. Remember that when comparing yourself to others--some are just less visible.
We all fail. We all grapple with the complications of living in this world. It's non-negotiable.
Most often the biggest achievements, the greatest accomplishments, are earned through our facing our biggest fears. Never let yourself think that courage isn't in feeling no fear. Courage is in not being controlled by fears, in doing it anyway.
Although educational and career achievements often involve this kind of courage, relationships present the biggest opportunity for us to deal with our fears. Some of us fear losing and we therefore have power struggles that kill relationships. Some fear restrictions--wanting to always be free--and we resist committing to relationships because that requires shutting other doors. Some of us want certainty always, which isn't achievable in this world.
Moving ahead despite fear brings us a greater sense of achievement, even if things don't work out exactly the way we want.
Facing your fears can prove to you that you are strong, that you can handle difficult moments. Don't think you'll ever get to a place where you have no fear, just go ahead even though you're frightened inside. Have some faith in yourself.

FOR THEIR OWN GOOD

"I have been married now eleven years to my high school sweetheart. We have four boys between the ages of 11 and one. About five months ago my father-in-law died after being diagnosed with cancer. Since then my husband has had to take over his business and he hasn't been able to grieve. He refuses to get professional help and has become very verbally aggressive toward me. I love him dearly, but I can't hold on for too long. His behavior had affected our marriage severely and it affects our boys."--signed Help

#

Dear Help,

Accept my condolences on your family's loss. It sounds like this sad situation has shaken everything up. You're right that your husband is struggling with his grief, but there's still a result for his bad treatment of you. My recommendation is that you go for counseling by yourself. He may eventually join you and even if he doesn't, you could use the support. You're stressed too. Just having four young children makes for intensive parenting, not including the loss you've suffered. Sadly for you, this is a double loss--your father-in-law and your husband due to his grief and stress.

You're right that the situation isn't good for your children. Seeing you accept verbal abuse is abusive to them. Check out the recent literature on child trauma. Maybe your husband is so consumed in his own grief that he can't see the harm his actions are having, but this needs attention before the family falls apart.

* * *

Years ago when my daughter was small, she developed an illness that required longterm medication. She hated the taste of it and would run when it was time to take her dose. To get her to swallow the medicine, I actually had to pin her between my straddled knees to the floor and force it into her mouth.

Talk about trauma...and I don't mean trauma for her! She has no memory of the experience, but I sure do.

Not long ago, this same now-adult daughter had a kitten hanging around her apartment, clearly without a home or owners to care for it. Our family loves cats. But because she already has two kitty-buddies, she couldn't take in this new feline, no matter how cute it was. To her grave sadness, she knew she had to capture the kitten and deliver it to a shelter where someone else would hopefully adopt it.

This bruised her soft heart and she felt like she was actually betraying the kitten who let her close enough to capture it. Love is like that. Sometimes loving things look like mean things.
Loving others can be very difficult and we do things we hate having to do. No one talks about it much, but parenting involves quite a few of these moments. Incidents when the adult in the relationship has to do difficult things for the kids' own good. (There are parents who do bad things to their kids, claiming pure motives, but most of us really aren't that twisted.) Most of us love our kids with all our hearts and want only the very best for them.

Sadly, this requires us to insist they eat their vegetables, finish their homework and pick up their toys, none of which they like sometimes and none of which they want to do. But it's part of the parenting job description to insist on those things that are good for our kids, even if the kids don't like them.

We have many, many examples of parents and others treating kids badly--this is largely what Child Protective Services watches out for--but we also have an often unacknowledged reality to this parenting job. Sometimes we have to insist on our children doing things they don't want to do. In some cases, the kids have annoyed us to the point that following through isn't that hard--the little jerks deserve it! But sometimes we just hate being the bad guy, the one who administers punishments and lays down the law.

This is particularly true when the other parent is only too glad to be the good one, the fun parent, the one who never makes the kids do anything they don't want to do. But you know the truth that we all do things we don't want to do. Kids are smaller and weaker, but they still need to learn the lesson that others care most about actions and they'll get a lot further by taking care of responsibilities even when these aren't fun.

We all do things we don't want to do.

You, after all, probably go to work, sometimes at a job that doesn't value you or pay you near what your worth, but you do it to put food on the table and clothes on those kids you love so much. Some lessons are hard, but children need parents who love them enough to be the bad guy, to introduce them to shampoo and broccoli.

They may want cartoons, sugary cereal and toys strewn all over. They need you to follow through.

SNOOPING LEADS TO HURT FEELINGS

"I found an open email layed flat on my mother's desk. I thought I was superclose with my brother and sisters....until...I read [her] private email and I found myself in total shock as to how they gossiped badly about me, my married life and how I raise my children. They passed judgement. I went on reading everything entirely and they criticized me terribly. I was royally hurt. My own brother labeled me a schizophrenic.

Do you thing this is a sign of hatred towards me? Why on earth would a family member do such a thing? I don't talk negatively about them.

My husband doesn't want me to reconcile with anyone in my family. I am at a loss. I'm worried that if my husband runs into my brother in public, there will be an ugly fight. My husband is ready to punch him in the face. He is the strong one and he's always reminding me to ignore them.

Do you feel strongly that my siblings were wrong to do that behind our backs?"--Upset and Wondering About Family Counseling

#

Dear Upset,

Yes, they were wrong to email their opinions around to other family members...and yes, you were wrong to read your mother's private email, even though it was lying on her desk in her bedroom.

We all have private opinions of our siblings' mates and if we're smart we'll keep our mouths shut about this. Even when the sibling in question asks your opinion, be very hesitant to give it. This is a very personal matter and one that's got hard feelings written all over it.

If you'd never read that email--snooping where you didn't belong--you'd have no idea that your brother and sisters felt this way and you'd go along living your life. Your relationship with your husband is your business, just like their marriages are their business. None of us get to vote on how others should live their lives or who they choose to be with.

Now that the situation's been split open by the email being left out and by your reading it, you have to decide what to do with your family interaction. You're understandably upset right now and your husband feels horribly mistreated, but you need to decide whether you want to be a voluntary orphan from now on. Are you ready to never speak to these people again? Even if some one's having a baby or lying in a hospital bed dying?

Most people have a hard time disconnecting completely even from family members who've been directly abusive. Your family's actions were ill-judged and indiscreet, but not really abusive. Still, it's hard to undo this kind of mess.

If you decide you still want them in your life in some capacity, you have to accept that they'll have private opinions about your relationship, your children and your hairstyle. As long as these are kept private, why should they trouble you? You've had moments, too, when you didn't see why they made the choices they've made.

Healing the breach or not is your call. I'm guessing although your husband was offended by what you read in the email, he'll probably be okay if you're okay. He'll probably go along with whatever you decide.

I recommend that if you try counseling or other means to put your family back together, you don't address specifically what you read in the email. While you may want to defend yourself against these accusations, it's pointless and a waste of time. Once again, everyone has their opinions.

Trust me, trying to talk about this won't go well.

Getting on with being a family will require you all to decide that you're important to one another...then agree to disagree. Agree also never to discuss any of these very personal matters. Everyone raises their kids the way they think best. Unless Child Protective Services needs to get involved, keep quiet about your opinions. This goes for marriages, too. Although some struggle with this, biological ties don't give the right to tell you what to do. Or you to tell them, either.

Although it'll probably go against your wounded grain to admit this, you were wrong to read the email. Your mom was wrong to invite you into her bedroom where the poisonous email lie open on her desk and your siblings were wrong to have sent it in the first place.

Everyone has at least a small portion of responsibility for the mess. You can walk away from the family with which you felt "superclose" before this or you can move forward, remembering that even those you love and who love you, aren't perfect.

* * *

It always gives me a pain when people grieve relatives who've died, but who they couldn't live peaceably with in this world.

While having relationships is the hardest thing we do, they're also the most potentially rewarding challenge you'll ever face. This doesn't mean that some relationships don't need to end. Some really do. If you weigh the good versus the bad--honestly--and you come to the realization that the relationship in question is costing you more than it brings you, then definitely end it. Just walk away.

Sadness typically comes with this decision. Not grieving the relationship the way it was, but the way it could have been, the way you wished it was.

But when a relationship falls into the gray area and you're just accustomed to the way it's been, you might want to give some consideration to where it fits in your life. Think hard about who is really important to you. Who you'd miss terribly if they were no longer in this world. Even siblings with whom you've always squabbled or parents who you've taken for granted may be missed horribly when they're gone.

We need to behave now as if we value the relationships we do actually value. It can be habit not to ever talk about love or friendship. We sometimes avoid awkward moments, times when we feel foolish or silly saying sappy things, but don't wait until the ones we care about are dead. Don't let yourself think vaguely that they'll always be here. Funerals are a lousy time to realize how much the deceased meant to you.