RELATIVES YOU LOVE...BUT DON'T LIKE

Holidays don't always bring out the best in families...no matter how hard you may try. This is the time of year when individuals often succumb to the "perfect family" goal. Furniture advertisements abound, as do flooring ads. At this time of year more than any other, we want our homes--and our families--to be perfect. The Norman Rockwell image of a loving multi-generation family gathered around a beautiful table upon which sits a golden turkey--it seems to capture what most want for the holiday season, if not what most have.

Of course, there are people who don't eat turkey for Christmas or don't celebrate the holiday at all, but the image continues to resound for a bunch of us. For most, it's easier to get the turkey, whether on the perfect table or not, than to have a warm, loving family moment.

Let's admit it--most individuals have relatives they love very much, but don't like. The relatives of adult children too often have the belief that they should always be able to comment on the relationship choices, childrearing practices or voting tendencies of those who grew up with them. I am assured over and over that they love these adult children, but they just won't keep their observations to themselves.

I realize how hard this is, particularly when you used to change these particular adults' diapers as babies. Trust me, you should just shut up.

Some individuals have grown up in families who didn't care for them physically or emotionally. Whether the child of an alcoholic or in a family where physical and sexual abuse took place, some biological relationships are harmful.

You can still long for it to be different.

Even if you haven't had to deal with abuse, you can have hostile, dysfunctional, unloving family interactions that leave you not liking relatives, even though you love them. Some families are not like the Cosby Show, where jokes abound and love is always the bottom line.

There are some situations when relatives are toxic.

This is a painful reality and never more so than during the season of supposed good cheer. Individuals often try to ignore relatives' bad behavior during this time of year. They tell themselves it's only for a few days and they struggle to shut out relatives, even when they have to tolerate bad behavior.

Some folks are creating "families" from groups of loving friends. This is a good option when biological family is harmful or extremely unpleasant. Despite what you see on the movies on The Hallmark Channel, sometimes relatives you love aren't people you like.

ACKNOWLEDGE YOUR LOVER'S FEELINGS

It's not enough to hear the words your partner says, you need to let him know you got the message.

When in sessions with conflicted couple, it's common for mates to disagree when their loved ones say they don't feel heard. First off, this isn't something you can disagree with. You don't get to tell your partner that he doesn't feel the way he just said he feels.

You may be surprised, but you don't get to disagree unless you're prepared to say "You are lying to me." That's pretty much the message. If you are convinced your mate is lying to you (about his feelings & possibly other stuff), the relationship is probably pretty damaged.

Partners are frequently surprised by the emotions their mates express. You may not understand. You may be very confused--and saying this is very reasonable--but you don't get to flat out disagree that your partner doesn't feel the way he just said he feels.

Actually, really listening to your partner's opinions and feelings is very important in relationships. We often don't realize how poor we are at this, but when a person feels heard, he's more likely to feel understood. When people feel understood, they usually feel loved.

Therefore, if you want your partner to feel loved--and more inclined to stay in the relationship--listen.

But it's not enough to receive his words into your ears and decode these with your brain. At this point, he still probably doesn't know you've heard him. Partners' frequently assure their mates that they heard and that they understand, but this doesn't produce the same positive results as when you acknowledge you lover's feelings.

The hard part of this is when your mate has told you they feel something you don't think is accurate. For example, sometimes partners don't feel loved when certain things happen or when their mate does a certain other thing. It's very common for the mate to respond that, even though they may have done something or said something that got interpret this way, they still love their partner.

But if it's not felt, it doesn't matter.

Try this--when your mate tells you how he feels(even if you disagree with this), echo it back to him. "So, you're telling me you feel unloved and unappreciated." If this seems too stilted, try a variation "When I go hunting(or out with the girls) without checking to see if we had other plans, you feel _____." Fill in the blank with the feeling your partner has shared.

You need to tell him what you heard him say. This confirms that his words didn't fall on deaf ears and that you actually are paying attention to his communication.

PARENTING: DON'T FREAK OUT

It's easy to recommend not freaking out over everything when you don't have a child. I have two, so I'm safe in saying this, but don't assume I'm saying I've done everything right. So, not the case. Even if the kid is massively annoying (and they all are, at times), parenting carries with it a huge responsibility. Just look around you and you'll find lots of examples of parenting gone really wrong.

While individuals make choices that direct their lives, no one would deny that parents have a huge impact on kids' lives.

Our local media has recently featured stories of a 16 year old, arrested for a drunk driving incident in which four people were killed. This kid's trial has centered on the fact that he was raised in a state of "affluenza" by parents who gave him everything, but consequences. His actions caused the death of four people, but his choices are being attributed somewhat to his parent's lax attitudes. I was filmed by our local DFW Fox4 Channel, contributing to a story on this.

The thing is that parenting is an evolving job that has massively huge impact on children. Kids can overcome--just ask Michael Oher, the NFL football player raised in poverty and neglect that led his drug-addicted mother to lose him to the foster system. Some kids overcome and cope with tremendously challenging factors, but some kids don't.

The only thing worse than neglect and too little is too much. Most parents don't want to be hurdles to their children. They want their kids to prosper and make the world a better place.

From the time a small squalling bundle is place into your arms, you can be gripped with this job. You will need to teach her everything. You will keep her safe from both herself and dangerous predators. Just make sure you don't get so caught up in the protection aspects of parenting that you forget the letting-go aspects of the job. This requires exhausting oversight in the beginning shifting gradually to letting her make the tough choices herself without you directing her.

In the evolution of this task, you must first do everything for your child, then you must gradually do less and less. Your children have to learn to fly on their own--this is how they learn to believe in themselves.

As a parent, an important part of your job is learning when to freak out.

A child of mine actually begin speaking when she was six month old (no lie). When this child couldn't read at eight years of age, I freaked out. Galvanized into action, I finally found someone who could help. She reads beautifully now, but I also freaked out when she was younger and wouldn't take naps. Her dad and I actually subjected the kid to a sleep study before the age of one. (I'm not proud of that.) 

I've never met a perfect parent. Ever.

The challenge in this huge job--one of the largest you will ever undertake--is to learn to the best of you abilities when to take your hands off the wheel. When to trust them and when to intervene. You don't need to freak out when they say a "bad" word, but you should probably seek help if they hurt animals or anyone younger than themselves.

And you should give yourself a break because there is no manual for this job.

YOU GET THE BEST & WORST

Relationships add to your life. Insurance statistics say this--people who are married live longer, but living intimately with another human being is one of the hardest things we humans do. Really smart people have no edge here. Married or not, your partner gets the best...and the worst of you.

This is in the nature of close relationships. One would think we'd be at our best with the people most important to us, but this isn't always true. Because we feel loved by our mates, we let down our guards and sometimes, we aren't nice people. All people have their good and bad moments. It's part of our natures to sometimes struggle.

We get irritable, snappy and annoying, at times.

When you have a partner, she gets a front row seat to all of this. Of course, she was probably a loving presence when you suffered the loss of a parent or close friend. She may have been the bright spot in some really rough times. Even if she held your hand in rough times, she can be very annoying, too.

Close relationships are, you know, close.

Part of the reason this happens is because you feel loved and cared for with your partner. You feel accepted, even the ugly parts, and you relax. This is one of the wonderful things about being in a loving relationship. You get to relax and quit trying so hard. Unfortunately, for some of us that can mean not trying at all.

We forget to do and say the sweet things that we did and said when we were courting. We can forget to act as if this person in front of us is the most important person in our lives.

In my younger days, I was struck by a statement a divorcing friend made. She said she'd thought that she and her husband would "be together always." A young married person at the time myself, it occurred to me with blinding reality that this may not be a good belief. In the security--which we all want--of thinking this is the person we'll spend the rest of our lives with, we stop trying. It's as if we feel we no longer need to act each day as if we love this person.

Connection doesn't mean not trying.

Yes, it feels great to be loved and we do tend to give the ones we care about some latitude. We cut them a break. I remember telling my husband, when my kids were small, that I'd rather them act up with us because we loved them. We tolerated more of their shenanigans than someone less invested. But this reality can become relied upon too heavily and get strained to the breaking point.

Whenever I see in counseling an individual trying to decide whether or not to stay in a relationship, I recommend they weigh the good of a relationship against the bad. If you want to ensure that your relationship doesn't fail, work on that balance: more good than bad.

The best way to do this is to place your partner's interests at least as high as your own.

SOMETIMES DEFIANCE FEELS LIKE POWER

If you've ever been around a two year-old, you've seen defiance. At two and a half years, most children become excellent at saying "No!" From a developmental perspective, we know that kids this age are just learning to separate themselves as individuals. They protest and refuse almost everything and they usually do it loudly. These same kids typically have moments when they're clingy and struggle with separation.

Now, try to imagine a twenty-five year-old or a fifty year-old with the same kinds of behavior. Learning to experience personal power is very difficult because we don't always have the option to do just what we want without consequences. Think of the number of times you've wanted to whack your boss.

It's the same thing because sometimes when we're struggling to find our personal power, we fall back on defiance. Some people always feel powerless. These individuals often bully those they see as less powerful. Bullies always have a poor self-perception and struggle to feel power.

Some people spend their lives fighting whatever or whoever they see as having the power they can't get. Whether this involves breaking the law--like crotch-rocket motorcycle drivers who run from the law--or bashing others financially, emotionally or physically. Defiance feels like grabbing power, but personal power can't be stolen from you. You get to decide how you're going to function and, even in restrictive situations, you always have the right to choose your own actions.

Whether we're talking about kids beating up weaker kids on school playgrounds, mates beating up supposedly-significant others or stealing, these are moments with the ones misbehaving are trying to feel powerful. Think of all the ways individuals steal in this world--all power issues. Whether a salesperson is driven to get the sale out of a need to feel better or a boss puts down an employee, examples of perceived powerlessness are all around us.

Check yourself--if you feel you don't have options and you're trapped in a relationship or job, you need to find out how you're giving up your own choices. You may not be seeing your own power.

KIDS CRIPPLED BY WEALTH

"We need direction. Our adult son is living with us.  He has been out of work for more than 3 years but is currently attending college ( at our expense) to try to get a technical certification.  His past employment required considerable physical labor which he is no longer able to do. He is 52, but not eligible for disability. 

He is separated from his wife of 25+ plus years, but continues to see her on a regular overnight visits while she is  living with her Mother. While at our home, our son is respectful , doesn't run around, helps with yard work etc, but we cannot see any change in the future. He says he will work when he gets his degree, but that's another year away.  Many days he is depressed, appears to have physical issues with gout and thyroid problems, but he's very inconsistent in taking his medications.  Sometimes he will sleep for hours and seems totally exhausted. When he does take his medications, he is a totally different person, but then he stops them again. 

We have tried to encourage consistency in meds, even to asking him to commit to our monitoring them, but he refuses, saying he is an adult. He is not acting like an adult if he does not take them, knowing it would help his life. He loves the classes he is taking, but we know he will not succeed on his own if he also doesn't take needed medication.    

We have considered telling him to take care of himself, get a part time job, seek counseling, etc or he cannot continue to stay with us, however, I do not know where he would go.  We are living on retirement and have a limited income. We are at our wit's end. If he were abusive, disrespectful, etc it would be easy. Where/what do we do?"

 

Worried parents ( 70yrs old)

*

 

Dear Worried Parents,

 

 

First, let me ask you some questions"

 

1. Is your son mentally impaired?



2. What will he do/how will he live once you're no longer there to take care of him?

 

I know you love your son, but I'm not sure you're helping him. If he is mentally impaired(doesn't sound that way), you need to arrange legally for his care once you're no longer able to care for him. If he's of sound mind, you need to treat him like any other person who has the capacity to care for himself. I know this sounds brutal, but its the most loving thing you could do. Cut him loose.

 

If you believe he has the capacity to live an independent life--make a salary, manage his own money, take care of his health--then you owe it to him to act as if he's a responsible adult...even if he's not acting that way.

 

Give him a deadline to move out of your house. Make it reasonable, but not generous. (You've already been pretty generous) Then follow through. Your son deserves this, even if he doesn't like it. As parents, we often have to do things our kids don't like. When he was young, you made him take his medicine. That's no longer your role, but you can stop treating him like he's fifteen.

 

***

 

Kid's Crippled By Wealth

 

 

We've all read the news stories of the children of the super-wealthy choosing really sad paths. To many get too accustomed to privileged lives of entitlement. It's sad and all too frequent. But are your kids getting too much. You may not be wealthy and your name isn't known throughout the land, but it's still worth asking whether your children are crippled by your success.

 

Even modestly successful people--who live in nice houses and drive nice cars--have a tendency to want to give their children everything. We don't want the kids to struggle. But life is all about struggling. When my husband's cousin was diagnosed with cancer, he made the profound statement that "if money can cure it, whatever you're dealing with isn't a problem."

 

 

Life involves struggle. That's not negotiable, but those of us handle life better have learned to strive. Kids need to learn that they have internal strength and fortitude; they need to know without a doubt that they've handled hard times before and can handle them again.

 

I've seen clients crippled by their parents' money, sitting around, feeling trapped, waiting for the will to be proved. You want your kid to struggle. Be emotionally supportive. Pay for college if you can, as long as the kid's actually making the grade. Help when it's helpful, but don't think you can remove the struggle. 



LAST DITCH EFFORT--MAKE RELATIONSHIPS LAST

I get why people don't come into counseling when they first have trouble in a relationship. It's weird to sit down and talk to a complete stranger about very personal things...besides, you hope it'll just go away. Relationships are complex and vital and, outside of parenting, they're the hardest thing we do in this world.

Clients often come see me when everything is going to hell--someone has used the "D" word, if they're married, or someone has cheated. Conflict with the one you love can be gut-wrenching. But ignoring the conflicts until something--or someone--is on fire can mean that the relationship is over before you actually walk through my door.

When issues fester unresolved in relationships, people get tired and eventually decide to leave. Both or one of them may have been unhappy for a long time. The other partner can be completely oblivious to how unhappy. I get calls nearly every week from someone startled and torn up over a relationship that seems to be falling apart.

Many unhappy coupled individuals stay until they find someone else. Sometimes, infidelity takes place when one or both didn't even consciously thing about how unhappy they were. I recently read the statistic that only 30% of relationships survive infidelity. This doesn't mean you can't survive it; only that doing so takes stamina and a willingness on both parties to look at the problems that were there before the cheating happened.

And, of course, the trust has been seriously damaged at that point.

Relationships are incredibly fulfilling--we keep getting connected to others--and incredibly difficult. At the most personal level, we are our worst selves. This is crazy because it seems logical that we'd be the best of ourselves with the ones we love most. But intimacy means being emotionally naked--that means the good parts and the not-so-good parts are visible.

We are most affected by the ones we love. When there is trouble with an emotional partner, we are deeply troubled. Don't ignore this. Find a trained therapist you feel comfortable with and start working your way toward resolution.

The best relationships are based on both of you getting what you need.

HIGH SCHOOL TO COLLEGE--MAKING THE LEAP

Being a kid can be both pretty cushy and really frustrating. The problem with being totally dependent on others(parents who love you) is that kids tend to secretly doubt they can make it on their own.

You parents might have praised every grade they got and made sure they received participation trophies, even when they didn't win, but this doesn't make your kids confident that they won't screw up big time. Parents don't tend to trumpet this to their kids, but we all fail sometimes. While this stings and is no fun, we find a way to deal with it and, if we're paying attention, we learn from failure.

When kids are growing up, they become resistant, risk-taking jerks who scare their parents weekly. They hang out with other kids their parents don't like and they secretly go places parents don't think is good. In addition to the really scary texting and socializing while driving, they sometimes get into using alcohol and drugs.

Parents get terrified when kids hit the teen years.

New flash--kids are terrified, too. They aren't sure they can break into the adult world, including earning an income and paying their own cell bills. It's at this age of bursting forth into adulthood that more and more kids develop intense anxiety symptoms. They have panic attacks and they cease to do things that used to come very naturally.

I've noticed that they higher kids' goals, the more likely they are to have anxiety.

As parents, we've gotten accustomed to cushioning the blows. We go with them to the principal's office and to the traffic court. We try to be there for them in ways that no one was there for us. As they head toward high school graduations or jaunt off to college, we look forward to cheering them on. They, however, may be having a hard time breathing.

This can still be a tough time.

It's a very scary tightrope for parents because kids don't need us to rescue them, even if that's what they ask for. We parents get to be reasonably supportive, but not encourage them to run from their responsibilities(legal or financial). We have to stand back, mind-channel belief in them and refuse to pick them up when they fall. They have legs; they can get up themselves. Kids need to know they can do this.

My own daughter--now an ER resident in Brooklyn--has bitterly said that nothing came easily for her. She didn't get the first job she applied for; didn't like the one she ended up with. The college she attended didn't award her with the full scholarship she tried for. She didn't get into med school the first time she tried and on and on. I'm sure she has a list of disappointments. Still, the kid has managed very well and now has a pretty good backbone. When she deals with snotty superiors and demanding patients, she's good at listening. She's also learned to let most of unfounded feedback roll away.

As parents, we know the scary roads they could choose, but we don't get to direct them. We do, however, need to believe in them. We need to convey that we know they can face their challenges, even if these are big. They need us to believe in them because they're having a hard time thinking they can really do these things. They need us to see them more accurately than they see themselves.

HAPPY PARTNER?

Although some individuals seem to enjoy a competitive interaction with their mates, you need your partner to win sometimes.

Some people work hard to win as many relationship arguments as they can, but this can backfire on you in a big way. If your partner always loses with you, she won't want to be with you. Even though you enjoy getting your own way and you don't have to mess with compromise this way, your mate is likely to eventually find a more hospitable relationship.

You want your partner to thrive.

Although it may mean you losing sometimes and you'll certainly have to go out of your way, you really want the person who is closest to you to be fulfilled and happy. While you cannot "make" your mate happy--if you have the power to always arrange life for someone else, you're the first--your partner's needs and wants have to be high on your list of priorities.

We stay connected where we feel valued and we feel valued when the other person wants us to have what we need.

I drive a small, fast car because that's what I like--speed and agility. While my husband enjoys driving my car, it's not what he himself wants to drive all the time. You are your mate have different personality and different preferences. This is good for everyone. Even though, you don't get her wanting something so different from what you want, doesn't make her wishes any less valuable.

Don't take the responsibility for making her happy, but listen to her. Listening is the most tremendous relationship tool that everyone disregards. Listening is huge. Even if you don't agree with what she says, you need to resist the urge to disagree and explain. Hear your mate.

You want her to be happy.

You want your partner to care about your wishes, to function in such a way that you get what you want sometimes. So work hard on doing the same.

NOT "IN LOVE" ANYMORE

Sure, you were in love in the beginning. You just wanted to spend time with each other. It didn't matter what you did and, whenever things in your life were very bad or very good, he was the first person you called.

Things are different now, though.

A lot of couples say they just want to "be back to where we used to be", but I always tell them this isn't so. Going back to the giddy, "in love" beginning might sound great, but you came to the current moment from that place. We want you to be better. Or not to be together.

I'm all good with helping couples learn how to work through conflict to a resolution that enables them to enjoy each other again. I think this is as exciting as it is challenging.

It is a sad reality, though, that one half of that couple has already decided to leave the relationship in a significant percent of couples who walk through my door. Many have fought the good fight so long that any emotional attachment to the partner is faded. 

Sometimes the relationship has been estranged and/or conflicted to the point that one or both have found other romantic partners. They either come to see me because 1.) they want to make sure they've done everything, 2.) because they're worried about the mate they're leaving and want me to help soften the blow, 3.) they've 'fallen in love' with someone else or 4. because they just don't know how to say they're leaving.

When a person has decided to leave a relationship, they're leaving.

I, as a therapist don't have any right to offer them feedback they don't want. I don't get to tell them what I think they should choose. I don't get to tell them what to do. It's not my place. On random occasions when I can, I usually point out relationship challenges that will probably pop up in the next relationship. If an individual doesn't speak up with one partner, they're not likely to do so with a different mate. We take our personal challenges with us. Relationships involve two people and the issues of both of those individuals.

No matter what songs and stories have said, there's no one magic person with whom all our issues disappear. Leaving one mate doesn't usually solve our personal struggles to stand up for ourselves, express ourselves or learn to be truthful.

It's also easier to address personal relationship challenges--behaviors that come back to bite you--when you're in a relationship. While it may seem like a great plan to get everything fixed before you wade into dating, this isn't a very functional plan. We learn best in interaction and while therapy is an interaction of a sort, the most powerful learning comes from working through issues with the person closest to you.

DON'T EXPLAIN TO YOUR PARTNER

You don't mean to be defensive; you're just trying to explain. In the middle of a relationship conflict, however, no one wants to be explained to.

Communication in relationships is often complicated. The most frequent complaint I hear from clients is that their mate doesn't listen. The partner, however, insists he listens. Who's right? It doesn't matter because no one feels good in this scenario.

In the middle of the conflict, we miss some important points. Most people have no idea how to listen and to convey this listening to their partners. I get that it's very difficult to listen--without explaining--to whatever your mate is saying. Often the words thrown at you are accusations and who doesn't want to explain when accused?

Actual, effective listening, though, requires you to attend to what your mate is saying, without defending or explaining yourself. This involves making eye contact and actually hearing the other person's feelings. Most of us aren't very good at communicating feelings. We say things like "I feel that you...." which is not actually a feel, but an assessment of your motives.

So the words that come toward you from your partner may be unclear and jumbled. But this doesn't matter, as much as you receiving whatever is said.

First off, let your partner finish her own sentences. This is often difficult when your own feelings get roused.

Second, act like you're a receiver. Be the catcher on a softball team. Pretend you're taking notes for a test you'll be taking later. Do you're best to receive what your partner says. When you're a student in class, you take notes that you'll possibly need for a later exam. You don't (if you have any smarts) argue with the teacher that what he's saying is all wrong.

Use this same mode when you're communicating with your mate. Resist the urge to point out that it was the week before last, not last week. Don't rush in to accuse your partner of having recently done something worse. Just take in what is being said. It is important that you're able to repeat back to your partner what has been said to you. And you need to do this to your partner's satisfaction. You need him or her to nod and say, "You got it."

I cannot state strongly enough that this is not the time to disagree. You don't have to say that you agree(you probably won't), but you certainly don't need to tell you partner that she's all wrong.

Try to remember that you want this relationship. If you don't, get the hell out.

If you would like to continue being partners, you need to know what your mate thinks and feels. Get the message. When you've done this to your mate's satisfaction, then you can carefully say what you feel. I suggest you do this carefully because you have a better chance of being heard if you don't tell your partner what you think he thinks. This will backfire.

Talk simply about what you feel--"When you do blank, I feel angry/unloved/misunderstood/disregarded."

Note that there is no accusation in this sentence. You aren't attacking your partner. You aren't explaining yourself. Do you want your partner to explain him or herself when you've brought up an issue? Think carefully about this. You may say you want an explanation, but these usually feel like excuses.

What you really want is to be understood. You want your mate to get what you're saying, so do this yourself.

Resist the urge to explain.

PARENT: VERB TO NOUN

When your kids were young, you fed them, pulled them out of stuck spots and kept them from running into the street. You changed their pants, talked to their teachers and gave them curfews that they tended to ignore.

In the beginning of children's lives, parenting is a verb. It involves lots of sometimes exhausting effort. You were the center of their lives. As they get older, however, the word "parent" changes.

When my daughter was sixteen and was employed at Six Flags, she worked her tushie off. But she also made mistakes, even calling in sick once--unbeknownst to me--when she was on a lark with friends. She got caught by her boss and when she came home with her tail between her legs, her dad and I sent her straight back to work to deal with the mess she'd made.

That was active parenting.

This same child of mine defended her dissertation today. She's grown up past the age of maturity and is in a psychology doctoral program. Defending a dissertation proposal is a fourth-year, near-the-end hurdle. Not passing the defense would mean a year delay in getting to the next step. Her father and I have both been through the hell of defending a proposal. Although professors are generally nice people, they don't make this at all easy.


This afternoon, her father and I sat at our desks, worrying and praying for her. Particularly since one of her committee members threw her a loop hours before the defense.

This is the Noun part of parenting. She's an adult. She no longer needs us to be active in directing her life. She doesn't need us pointing out her mistakes or telling her what she should do. She's not a young child, even though she's our child.

It's no longer okay for me to ask her where she's going, to tell her when she needs to get in, when she's at our house, or tell her what she ought to do. This phase of parenting is about being supportive and loving; not directive.

The transition from verb to noun can be difficult for both parents and children, but it's hugely important. We love our kids and yet we still forget to believe in them. Even though they screw up--which we all do lots of when we're young--they still have what it takes to make their way in this world.

The worst, most crippling thing that the parent of an adult can do is to rescue them from their own bad choices. Yes, I know it's very difficult to watch them suffer. Incredibly, incredibly difficult. But they deserve to have the learning that comes from cleaning up their own mistakes.

Don't give in to the urge to pull an adult child out of the fire.

I realize this is very difficult when we parents have been "helping" our kids all their lives. The shift from active supporter to cheering bystander is very difficult, but you need to convey to your children by your behavior that you know they can meet whatever challenge comes their way.

Find the balance--some parents can offer money toward the purchase of a home; some supported their kids through college. You can support your kids, but don't, however, do what they can do for themselves.

RELATIONSHIP TROUBLE SIMMERING

All couples have disagreements at times, but trouble starts brewing when these conflicts aren't resolved. I mean, resolved so everyone feels understood and satisfied with the outcome. This means that both partners actually hear one another, paying attention to the concerns of both. Everyone comes out of these arguments feeling their issues were aired and seriously considered.

This is not always the case and it always leads to trouble.

I shudder when couples on home improvement reality shows talk about one person always getting his or her way. Think about it--do you like being with someone when you never win? When all you do is lose?

Of course, not. Initially, this may not seem like a big deal and a section of the population shrugs and goes along to keep the peace. The trouble is that this gets old fast. After a while, you find yourself choosing to be with others when before, you'd have chosen your mate.

Typically, people have relationship disagreements and--because they're tired of fighting--they get over it. This doesn't mean anything is resolved or that they feel good about the way things worked out, but you move on. You certainly don't think that these relationship problems are gaining strength. But, over time, this kind of situation breeds discontent and that leads to eventual relationship break-down.

Sadly, when the always-losing relationship partner gets finally fed up, they're done. They've been unhappy a long time--and have often thought of leaving for a long time. The relationship is over with little chance of revival. The partner who usually wins all disagreements is stunned, unable to believe that things are this bad. But this is when the unhappy partner is half-way out the door.

Sometimes, they've become interested in someone else or some other life issue has brought them to a turning point.

It's a bad thing when one partner is always right.

Getting outside, professional input when your relationship has a fighting chance is only smart. If you find yourself with a flickering interest in extramarital party or if you find yourself dreaming of living alone--get relationship help immediately.

Don't wait until it's too late.

DON'T JUST ASK

When clients sit in my office, explaining their relationship problems, I always ask about their communication and they always tell me that they listen well. I believe that they think they listen, but if their relationship partner is sitting in the session with them when I ask this question, they often shake their heads when I ask if their mate listens to them.

You think you're listening, but your partner doesn't feel heard. Something isn't working.

Many times, when partners are in the middle of conflicted conversations--that's all some relationships have--there's lots of talking, but no one is listening. This generally goes both ways, but your focus needs to be on what you're not doing. After all, you can change this.

Let's start with that one--look at yourself and what you are or aren't doing. I'm not saying everything is your problem or that you're the only one causing issues, but you have the most direct power over what  you do. It only makes sense to start changing what you have direct control over--you.

The question isn't so much whether you think you're listening to your partner(most of us do think this). Ask your partner whether he or she feels heard by you.

Basic question. Needs to be asked simply. Don't add a lot of words to it, just ask.

Some of us talk too much, while others don't say nearly enough. To find out what's happening with your partner--you need to ask. Then listen without interrupting. Don't rush in to explain yourself. Absolutely don't say, "No, you don't feel that way." (I mean, who's the one who'd know best? You or your partner?)

If your mate claims that you don't listen, then maybe you'd better find out more. First, say that you want them to feel heard. This is true if you have any interest in the relationship. Yes, you want to feel heard, too. But you really do what him to feel you listen.

Next, invite your mate to tell you whatever she'd like.  You may get blasted, but maybe not. Either way, resist the natural urge to defend yourself or explain whatever she's not taking into account. (Trust me, the urge will be strong.)

Then do your best to listen hard enough to be able to repeat back to her--to her satisfaction--what she said.

It's not enough to ask what's going or what's bothering him. You need to be engaged enough to be able to tell him--after he's told you--what's bothering him. Please don't try to tell him what you think is bothering him. It'll probably be wrong.

RELATIONSHIPS--THE COMPATIBILITY HOAX

Lots of people are looking for love and floundering around about what gives them the best shot at a satisfying, enduring love. After having several failed relationships, they often try to find a mate with whom they share preferences and opinions. This sadly can lead to even more relationship disaster.

The trouble is that individuals get confused between values and personality traits. You need to share one, but not the other.

My husband and I laugh remembering the incident when he talked me into helping him move a refrigerator down a flight of stairs. Just the two of us, mind you, and I'm not particularly brawny. Actually not at all. This happened early in our relationship (yes, we got it down the stairs without killing anyone, but it was close) and it functions as an example of all the times my risk-taking husband has talked me into stuff. Seriously, I sometimes doubt my own intelligence in these situations.

Still, Roger works for me partially because he is a risk-taker, unlike me. He thinks outside the box; he sees options I don't see. In short, he's nothing like me in this way. I close the cabinet doors as I walk through the kitchen. I throw away the top to the milk jug(without realizing he's still using it!) and I like to make lists.

He and I are not alike. Despite this, we've been married so long we sound much older than we are (early marriage!).

Being different in personality has been really good for us. We each have skills the other doesn't have. We see angles the other doesn't see. It's like having someone on the other end of the teeter totter--lots more fun than just sitting there by myself.

This wouldn't be true, however, if my husband and I had different values. From early on, we both valued education, we shared the same beliefs on religion and we even have pretty much the same politics.

We've had some rough spots(he wanted kids; I didn't) in the values area and we've had to make some challenging decisions, but after living with him--and working with lots of couples--I'm convinced that compatibility doesn't mean being the same. The problem with sharing the same outlook--seeing the world the same way--is that you have no one to help you see a different perspective. Seeing the other side of a question is always helpful. You may not change your mind, but your perspective is much better.

You don't have to be the same. Actually, it's probably better if you aren't. What you do need to have in common is your values. You need to want the same things in life. Values includes lifestyle and goals and they function to guide your life choices.

You need to respect your own perspective. You certainly have validity in your outlook, but compatibility doesn't mean your mate has to have the same perspective.

WHY DO THEY BATTER?

I recently came across a comment that lots of professionals weigh in on why people stay with partners who batter, but not many discuss why batters batter.

I'm not going to give you a diagnosis. These are offered up and folks latch on to them. Various labels are often thrown at each other in the manner of weapons. It doesn't help anyone. If you're in a physically or verbally abusive relationship, resist the urge to tell your mate what you think is wrong with him. It doesn't help in any way.

Battering behavior--hitting or physically assaulting your mate--can come from several places, but almost always, people hit when they struggle to better communicate whatever is going on with them. They will almost always say the victim wasn't listening or wouldn't listen any other way.

Like getting struck by the person you love makes you want to listen harder.

Although it may be difficult to understand, individuals who hurt others almost always feel justified in doing this. They don't feel powerful or strong or terrific about themselves. They almost always feel that the victim has in some way hurt them.

I'm not saying this is rational or that there is ever any reason to hit, shove or hurt another person. Not only does no one have this right, it just doesn't work to make things better.

Even in the most extreme situations, those who do horrific things have convinced themselves that there is no other option, no other way to get what they want/need. Afterwards, as victims are dealing with whatever injuries were inflicted on them, the one who struck out violently feels terrible. Some apologize profusely, others defend themselves by telling the victim they asked for it.

When the murderer Jeffrey Dahmer spoke of his crimes, he talked of doing unspeakable things to get the victims to stay with him.

Who hasn't struggled with loss, fear and anger in relationships? We've all felt hurt and most of us have struck out against the ones we loved with whom we were struggling--hopefully not struck out physically, but sometimes horrible words are said.

People who batter--both men and women--need better tools to deal with relationship issues. They need to learn effective communication. The term can sound ridiculous in this context, but learning to express and to listen to others can give individuals tremendous personal power. This is what those who hit need--personal power.

They also need to learn they can survive relationship loss. This hurts and it can leave us feeling bereft to the point of struggling to go on, but we have the capacity to deal with loss without demolishing ourselves or hurting others.l

SHE SAYS YOU NEVER LISTEN....

For a long time I've been talking about the importance of listening to your partner. The urge is to explain your position and most people do this over and over because they don't feel heard by the other person. On the other hand, your mate isn't feeling heard either. So both of you keep repeating yourselves and no one is really focused on listening.

Everyone assures me they are listening to their partners, though. Really.

I certainly don't want to deny this. The problem, however, is that she often doesn't feel heard. You may be repeating yourself again and again--possibly even raising your voice because louder seems to be better at that moment. But if you're not conveying to her that you hear and understand what she's saying to you, it doesn't matter what you say in return.

So, maybe you are listening. Maybe you're trying very hard to understand him. Maybe you do understand, but you also want to be understood yourself. This is reasonable. Relationships can only flourish when both partners function to value the other, as well as, themselves.

The trick is to respond to your partner in a manner that conveys you are actually listening. If you want to be heard, make sure she knows you're listening to her. Repeat back to her what you've heard her tell you. You'll be wrong--you won't have heard whatever she said exactly the way she meant it. This is very common. Ask her to tell you again, and really work at listening to what she's saying until you can repeat it back to her satisfaction.

This is a terribly important part of communication. Sometimes couples come to my office with communication issues, but as they talk it comes out that they're actually in agreement on the issues. Seriously. You may be agreeing in actual fact, but getting distressed because you don't believe your partner is hearing your side of things.

So. repeat it back. Get his confirmation that this is what he's telling you. It'll make a big difference.

COMFORTING OTHERS

Being around a grieving person can be really awkward. Whether this individual is mourning the death of a loved one or the end of a relationship, it can be hard to know what to say to him.

Some people just flat out avoid individuals dealing with these kinds of losses. They may feel bad about doing so, but they don't know what to say or do. But grieving people are very aware of who is and who isn't there for them, sometimes leaving hard feelings.

They sometimes tell me about it.

Still--do you send flowers? Do you tell them their loved one is "out of pain" now or that they're well out of what you thought was a bad relationship? What the heck to you do?

Knowing how they're reacting to this loss is very difficult! They could be all over the map. It's true that--unless you know specifically what the other person feels about the loss--offering solutions or making statements about the situation can be fraught with pitfalls.

Those who have suffered losses usually have a list of stupid things people said to them in their moment of bereavement. In attempting to offer comfort, people blunder along, making comments that not only don't comfort, but can be hurtful and annoying. You might assure the grieving person that the one they lost is "with God in heaven" when she not only doesn't believe in heaven, but isn't comforted by the loved one being anywhere but with her. If the person you're attempting to comfort is sad over the loss of a relationship, you may be tempted to say you've "never liked him" or to list all the annoying things he did.

So here's a Comforting-Others 101 guide:

1. Whatever the situation or however you personally feel about their loss--don't say they're "well out of it." You may be doing cartwheels at the end of a very destructive relationship(me, when my daughter got a divorce), but never, never let on to this.

2. Listen to what the grieving person says to you. This is your best key to knowing how the heck to respond. Even though you may have different beliefs about death, don't rush in to share these. Trust me, you have a better chance at offending than comforting.

3. Let yourself be simple. Don't try to fix it or distract the grieving person out of his sadness. Don't try to make it better--in that grief-filled moment, they don't believe they'll ever feel better and you don't get points for saying they will.

4. Do simple, helpful things. I once had a friend offer to clean and fill a grieving friend's refrigerator. Basic things can be very appreciated.

5. Key to all this is to take your cue from the one who's suffering. Be with when she wants someone to be there. Leave her alone when she wants to be alone.

6. Don't expect others to grieve like you do. This can be hard because we usually tend to come from our own perspective, but resist the urge.

Sometimes, the greatest comfort is just having someone there. Not that they say anything brilliant or magically take the pain away. As a therapist, I sometimes see grieving individuals who just need someone to listen. That can be the greatest comfort.

SECURITY MATES

Some say it's a relief to be alone after a terrible relationship ends, but most don't feel this way. Many people--in all walks of life--barely wait for their current relationships to be declared dead before they sign up for an on-line dating site or head out to the bars. It's like a relay race where the baton cannot be dropped. You must have a new date/mate before the old one falls away.

Lets just admit it, being alone scares the heck out of most people and this can lead to some questionable relationship choices.

Some people chose to stay in their current relationships--even though they aren't happy there and may be very unhappy--because they'd rather have a bad mate than no mate at all.

Others have hooked up with an almost-mate. You know, he's almost what they want, but not really. He's interested in her/her parents like him/he goes to the same church--or my favorite--she's known him forever. Like this somehow makes an unhappy relationship better.

I get that a shared history is a shared something, but you deserve more than familiarity.

Not long ago, an elderly, infirm male relative of mine was widowed. He'd catered to and waited on his former wife to a great extent their whole married life and, when she died, he didn't know what to do with himself. They were both in a nursing facility, at that point, and she hadn't recognized him for some time, but her death set him into a spin. He began proposing to other women he'd known all his life. Pretty much any woman he knew who was somewhat close in age. Never mind if he hadn't ever had an intimate or more-than-friendly relationship with her or if he even lived in the same state.

When she died, he lost a role he felt he needed to maintain, so he was looking for a stand-in. A replacement of sorts.

We can look sadly upon the behavior of an old man, but the desire to be connected to someone--anyone--seems to be a human tendency. We do better when connected to others. Living in complete isolation tends to make us a little crazy--even in prison, inmates prefer some contact--but security mates aren't usually the best answer.

We need to learn to create more effective connections--and more of them. Getting into a relationship out of fear of being alone can cloud your judgment and lead to bad choices.

Being alone now doesn't mean you'll always be alone and even if you don't have a mate, you can invest in the people around you. Making a difference by giving of yourself to others can be very rewarding and can pave the way to making life-long relationships.

A bad relationship isn't better than no relationship, at all. Trust me on this.

FORGIVE, BUT FORGET?

The importance of forgiving your enemies is getting lots of attention these days, but it's harder to forgive those who are not your enemies. Injury or betrayal by a loved one is much more painful. And what's with the "forgetting" thing? Is it good to forget about an offense done to you? Do you have to "forget" in order to truly forgive?

From one perspective, it's important to not forget the circumstances of an offense/injury. Understanding is way more important than forgetting.

I think the intent behind this "forgetting" thing is good. We've all done destructive, hurtful things and, if the injured party continually brings up our foolish behavior even after they say they've forgiven us, we don't feel forgiven. Not really. I get that, but I still contend that you need to remember and fully understand the relationship history.

There are some who misunderstand the way forgiveness works. You can forgive in an "absentia" sort of. You know, forgive a random fool who injured you because you don't want to drain your own life energy by hating him/her? Like when you've been the victim of a crime or a loved one has been snatched away by some horrible means? The problem comes when you forgive and forget in a relationship. This can unfortunately take place without either of you really understanding what the hell happened.

It's no good to forgive if the same offense/situation will simply reoccur.

Forgiveness requires change and change requires both parties to understand what happened. This is most important in relationships. You can say you're sorry--and you probably are--but if the relationship is to be different, you need to understand why you did whatever you did.

This kind of situation arises when one person in a relationship cheats--or leaves and returns. Often, they promise never to commit this breach again, but that kind of promise needs understanding behind it. If not, the one promising is just setting him/herself up for failure. And in a relationship, this kind of failure pierces every one's heart.

The relationship needs to be different after the offense. It needs to work well for everyone so we don't create opportunities for further offenses. Change can happen. People deal with all sorts of things in relationships and, if they really learn from whatever was going on, they can heal and move forward.

But forgetting isn't usually a desirable goal.

THE URGE TO DIAGNOSES

"My husband and I have been married a little over a year. We don't fight a lot, but when we do, it's terrible. A yr ago, we got into a couple of knock-down drag-outs where he called me ugly names and insulted me cruelly. I slapped him twice. He quickly let me know that this was a break-it issue for him and I promised to never do it again and I haven't since. My problem now is that there's a huge double standard in our marriage. It ranges from simple things--he's very sensitive and gets very upset with me if I snap at him or am short with him, but he snaps and is short with me. He makes snide remarks to me and doesn't think anything of it. If we get into arguments, he's ALWAYS threatens divorce, telling me he doesn't love me. He leaves and spends nights elsewhere. Several times, I've asked him not to do this, but he seems to have decided to keep doing this rather than taking a breath and really thinking about things when we argue. I'm in really a bad state about this mentally.

 

I'm trying to decide if I should give up on the marriage. I think he truly believes he's better than me, so to speak. He's actually admitted this when we were arguing. I know he loves me, but I don't feel like he respects me or cares about my needs. I need to know- 1) does this sound like a marriage doomed for failure? 2) how can I get him to stop some of these behaviors since asking him to isn't working? 3) any other suggestions u may have"--Should I Leave

 

*

 

Dear "Should I",

 

Only you can decide whether or not to stay in a marriage. No one else gets to vote on this, but as I read your email, I found myself wondering how you'd come to the conclusion that your husband loves you. You said he's admitted--when you were arguing--that he thinks he's better than you and he's talked repeatedly about divorce. You also said he snaps at you and tells you he doesn't love you.

 

What the heck!

 

Still, the two of you are together and that must mean there is some value for you in the relationship. You're the only one who gets to decide whether that's enough to make it worth your while to stay.

 

The two of you clearly do not know how to actually listen to one another. I'll bet that the hurling of insults and the threats of divorce come after one or both of you are very frustrated, feeling the other isn't listening. The challenge with employing this vital behavior in relationships is that you get all tangled up in your own emotions. It's hard to hear his feelings without interrupting, rushing to conclusions or tuning out while you formulate your own response to whatever he's saying.

 

*

 

THE URGE TO DIAGNOSE

 

 

All too often, clients sit in my office and talk of their relationship issues, pausing to tell me earnestly that they think their--lover, spouse, child, sister, et cetera--is bipolar or depressed and should be medicated. I'm a therapist, not a psychiatrist, so it's not even an option for me to medicate anyone. Even if I could, I don't think it would solve all their problems.

 

In this era of increased acceptance of mental health issues, we often get confused between diagnosable illness and relationship issues. Even people with no label have relationship challenges. Since the clients venturing into the diagnostic arena have no training in the field, their musing about the potential problems of their loved ones can only indicate that they're trying to figure their mess out. Completely understandable. Whatever relationship is causing you grief, you naturally want to understand it.

 

We want reasons. They seem to make life more manageable.

 

Medication can be helpful for the severely depressed, but most individuals don't fall into this category. Your loved ones can be difficult to live with and make very challenging choices without being either depressed or bipolar.

 

Use a great deal of caution in throwing around diagnoses; the person on the other end won't likely forget and your accusation of mental illness won't help the relationship find resolution.





KIDS: MISBEHAVIOR & FEAR

Your child's words of anger may upset you, but it's important to realize that they're pipsqueaks. You're the big dog, even though you may not feel like it and you may not know what to do to get them to behave or to eat sensibly.

As crazy as it sounds to frustrated, well-meaning parents, children are very aware of being smaller and weaker than adults. Even teens--the terror of the parenting world--are fearful of what lies ahead. They don't feel capable of handling the world and they need you as much as they hate needing you.

You need to be the rock.

I know you don't always feel like a rock and you're very aware of your own shortcomings and your many parenting mistakes. Your children, however, know they need you. They also love you and get scared when you're angry or upset. You see the mad (and, really, wouldn't you rather they be pains with you than with others who don't love them?) You get the dirty rooms and the teacher conferences that make you feel inadequate. You struggle to pay the bills and you're often the one dealing with ex-spouses over child support and visitation.

Being a parent isn't a picnic, but being a kid is hard, too.

Often when children misbehave and act like total jerks, they're scared. They need to know you're there and you'll protect them. They need you to discipline them so they learn consequences. You've taken on the job of parenting--one of the hardest on this earth--and you're all the lies between your kids and a scary world. It's more than keeping them safe from strangers. You also have the job of keeping them safe from your friends and relatives! They rely on your watchful eye and they rarely thank you for it.

You screw up; we all do. You make lousy relationship choices. You may have struggled with appropriate alcohol use and you may also be putting yourself through college.

They may rarely tell you how much they rely on you, but that doesn't mean they don't appreciate it.

Even though they get mad.... Even though they're jerks sometimes.

WORKING MY WAY OUT OF A JOB

After several weeks or months of therapy, some of clients just go away. And this is okay, although I do prefer them to cancel or just not reschedule. No shows are a waste of my time and are particularly frustrating when I have others waiting for open appointment times.

Still, I get it. Knowing how to leave the therapy experience can be difficult. Therapy is by nature a connected interaction. Regardless which particular theory any counselor subscribes to, they've all be trained to offer a sensitive, aware presence to clients. Therapists are taught to listen. We're trained not to judge because 1). it doesn't help the therapy process and 2). we all screw up sometimes. Some therapists are better than others at conveying warmth and acceptance--even when you struggle to accept yourself.

Seeking therapy can feel weird. Clients walk in, sit down and pour out their most personal struggles to a complete stranger. Weird.

If the therapist is good at her job, clients leave with both a feeling of having been accepted and with some insight about the difficulties in their lives. This is after all, the point of the whole thing.

I often tell clients that I'm in the business of working my way out of a job. I hope to assist to the point that clients no longer need to come in. It can be awkward, however, for clients to know how to leave. Some people grow beyond the struggles that brought them into therapy--they learn how to handle their challenges. Some decide they don't want to deal with--or can't decide how to deal with--the issues that brought them into therapy. So they stop coming. Of course, some clients just don't click with a therapist and don't get anything out of their sessions. This is usually evident to the client--although not always to the therapist--pretty early on in the relationship.

At the end of sessions, I habitually ask clients whether they want to call if they'd like to reschedule or if they want to set up a time then. I do this to avoid the impression that I'm in charge of this therapy--this is your situation and you have the right to decide how to proceed. Yes, I'm the highly-trained professional. I have no problem reflecting your dilemma and presenting the various options to the challenges you face. But I'm very aware that you get to drive your own therapy. This is your life and your call. It's totally your game.

Some clients, after developing a relationship with me as their therapist and having found value in returning for sessions, have a hard time knowing when to stop coming. I just want to say this--you can tell me when you think you don't need to come in again. I'm certainly okay with this. The whole purpose of our time together is for you to make your decisions/decide how to handle your complicated relationships/come to recognize ways to handle your depression or anxiety. When you're less distressed and ready to leave therapy, just tell me. I'm all good with that.

Sometimes when a client expresses success or improvement, I talk gently about seeing them every other week or about them calling me if they'd like to see me again. I don't do this because I'm tired of their problems or because I think they should handle things on their own. I just want clients to know that I'm okay with them not coming back.

The whole point of this thing is for you not to need me anymore. Some clients express anxiety at the thought of not coming back for their regular sessions. I always point out their successes and stress they can always call me, if difficulties again arise. I'm not going anywhere.

I love your feeling better. When you get tired of coming in or when your life is smoothing out, just tell me.

COMMANDING THE CONVERSATION

"I have 2 sons and a daughter. My oldest son is married 10 years with 3 kids. His oldest is a step-daughter, who's 15. He also has 2 younger sons, ages 10 and 5.  When my daughter came to visit recently, I tried to spend as much time with her as I could. She invited my daughter-in-law to go shopping with my granddaughter, her and me. When my daughter-in-law said she didn't want to go, my daughter's feelings were hurt, but she said nothing. We went ahead without my son's wife and my daughter insisted on paying for everything. Later, we took the boys on a day out and she paid for everything then, too.

When we were all at my house hanging out later, my granddaughter was disrespectful to her aunt (my daughter). Her aunt (my daughter) asked her to apologize, but she would not, walking out. My son then exploded, yelling at his sister. He said his step-daughter didn't need to apologize and that they were all leaving. I said my granddaughter should apologise for being disrespectful. My son got angry, saying that she was his child and she would never apologize. He asked how we dared 'gang up' on a 15 year old. When his wife and I tried to calm him down, he made a fist at me. He dragged my 10 and 5 years old out of the house, much to their surprise.

I don't know what to do now. I'm afaid I will not get to see my grandsons. My son kept them from us about 4 years ago, when he was mad at us . It made me almost suicidal. My daughter is upset about the whole mess, as am I. Things were said on both sides that are hard to forgive. But one thing I know for sure is that my granddaughter needs to apologize, as she's been rude to me, too. I let it go, but no more. I love her very much, but I won't see her until she apologizes. I think my son made things much worse. Please help us. I want to mend my family."--Distressed Grandmother

*

Dear Distressed,

 

You say you want to mend the family, but you're also very clear that you must get an apology from your granddaughter. Since your son reacted the way he did, you know that he won't be enforcing this with his daughter.

 

From your son's reaction to your daughter's run-in with his daughter, I suspect there are unresolved family issues. He may feel you've always favored her or that she's generally unfair to his step-daughter. I don't know. It's also possible that, since you were having a family get-together, he was drinking and , therefore, more belligerent. You seem convinced that your daughter was innocent in this situation and that your son is way out-of-line.

 

I suggest you talk with your son about this, with no one else present besides perhaps his wife. When I say talk to him, I really mean that you need to listen to his side of this. You may not agree with his take on everything, but you need to know where he's coming from. The granddaughter's apology isn't the biggest issue, from the sounds of it, and a forced apology is meaningless.

 

*

COMMANDING THE CONVERSATION

 

It is a sad fact that many do not understand the effect they have on others. Some people appear to view conversations as a lecture opportunity with them pontificating about whatever and the other person unhappily nodding once in a while. Lots of things can motivate this behavior--simple low self-esteem, anxiety with the people in the situation or chronic unawareness of others. Regardless, the one nodding generally won't want to interact again with the one lecturing.

 

The hardest thing--and the most effective tool--is to ask about and listen to the other person's life. If you want to create interactions that leave those you're speaking with looking forward to talking with you more, practice listening to them. Hear what interests them and what troubles them. Be able to echo back to them what they said to you and they'll know you heard them.

 

The best conversationalists make their listeners look good. Don't worry that you'll never be heard yourself. When someone sees you as engaged with them in their interests, they're much more likely to wonder what you have to say.