HANGING ON (& BITCHING)

"My husband and I have been married for 16 years and have three children together. We have been through a lot of problems in our marriage. My husband is a very quiet man. We hardly talk to each other or go out alone together. If he goes anywhere, it's always around his family, but not where I want to go. Whenever I want to go somewhere, there is no money. Don't get me wrong. My husband is a great man and I know he loves me, but I really believe he doesn't like me. I am a very friendly person and I love to talk to friends. The only time my husband sees his friends is when he goes to church or church meetings. We are so different if I say white, he says black. Seven years ago, we joined a church where the pastor is my husband's uncle. I was happy, but I started to feel ignored again. He was always at church functions, but when I needed something, he wasn't available. If he did things for me, he did them in a bad mood.

Three or four years ago, I began not wanting to have sexual relations with him. For me, it was and still is, a terrible time. I don't even want to kiss him. I used to ask God to give me the love that I needed for my husband, but nothing has changed. At the beginning of last year, we got into an argument and I told him I was tired of his reaction towards my family get-together. He was always either inside the house or falling asleep or wanted to leave because church was the next day. He was not "bringing glory to God" because people were having drinks at the reunion and he didn't like to be there. I told my husband that I was tired and wanted to separate from him. We did and I stopped going to church. I started going out with my old friends. I felt free, even though we were still living at the same house. We were living separate lives. I really didn't want to be home. I was only there for the children. My children have started having some issues do to the fact that I was going out and people were talking and praying for me. My husband took me off the bank account as soon as I lost my job. I had no money, so I started selling food to get money and put gas in the car. My mom helped me some.

While I was going out, I met this man that treated me like a queen. He is the sweetest man I ever met, but at the same time, I was not divorced. I told him I wanted to work out my marriage. I told my husband that I will try again, but things are not as I thought. We don't talk. He always wants to have sex and I don't want to. Every time I am with him, I feel like yelling and crying. He touches me like I'm a piece of meat and I've told him many times not to do this. The only time he touches me is when he wants sex and I hate that. He says he loves me and that he only wants to be with me. I really want to love him, but instead I feel so unhappy. I don't know what to do. My children are very important to me and I don't want to hurt them. That's why I want to stay in the marriage. Besides, he is the only man I've been with for so many years. I don't know if I can even be without him, even though it's like we're only partners."--Upset Wife

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Dear Upset,

You say your husband doesn't talk to you much, but I'm guessing you don't feel he listens to you, either. This isn't a sex problem. You guys have serious communication issues and things have gone pretty bad. You say he is a great guy and I sense ambivalence on your part. You don't hate him, but you will if you guys don't learn to actually talk to and hear one another. His seeking sex with you could very well be him trying to find some closeness with you. For some people, the physical connection is easier than talking. When you have sex with him, he probably feels like you're still connected. Still in the relationship.

Staying for the children doesn't do anyone any good. The family atmosphere has to be affected by the marital unhappiness. Middle school-age children have told me they wished their unhappy parents would divorce already.

Remaining in the marriage because he's the only guy you've been with or because you've been together a long time also isn't going to make you happy in the long run. But you've got a long-term investment with your husband. A lot of history. It would be smart to learn to hear his feelings, too. I know he doesn't talk a lot, but I'm guessing you're not great at listening when he does say things.

You probably both need to learn this skill. Look for a good counselor. If you don't have insurance that'll cover this, many agencies offer a sliding scale. You're all torn up about this decision. You need to have some assistance to sort it through.

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Hanging On (& Bitching)

There are many good reasons to stay in a relationship. The skills required to be a good mate are the same ones no matter who you're with, so it makes sense to learn these--listening, really saying what you need to say, learning to work through conflict. If you don't, you'll repeat the same cycle in later relationships.

However, it's brutal to all to stay in a non-functional relationship when it's clearly not getting better. Some people do this not because they love their current partners, but because they fear being alone. They're not working to improve the relationship; they're just hanging on and griping about it. This typically happens when an individual has already finished with the relationship. They're done. Finito. Through.

Only the individual can decide this. No one has a right to tell you that you ought to stay or ought to go. This is totally your call.

Still, don't stay because you're afraid to get out on your own. It's the coward's way and you're selling yourself short.