DARK, DIRTY SECRETS

Everyone has moments they're not proud of--mistakes they made or bad choices they regret. Some, though, have secrets they hide in shame. Clients sometimes tell me about these, confessing in hushed, halted voices to sins they can't forget or forgive themselves for.

They fear the consequences of these secrets ever becoming known, but more than this, they spend a huge amount of energy keeping these hidden.

For some time now, I've been a fan of the website postsecret(dot)com. In complete anonymity, individuals submit postcards with their secrets, some graphically conveyed as art and others simply scrawled out. They are sometimes heartbreaking and occasionally funny, but they always share a message the writer feels they couldn't tell the world. What grew from a simple experiment has become a worldwide phenomenon with multiple books, exhibits and tours.

All because we have secrets we feel are too shameful or too explosive to share.

At these various events, an opportunity is presented for attendees to come to a microphone and tell the audience their secret--aloud. It's like ripping off a Band-aid and those who've stood before the microphone say it's relieving, healing and very powerful.

That's the thing about secrets; it takes a lot of work to hide them.

When clients tell me their shameful secrets, these often fall into either things the individual as done or things that were done to them. The sad thing is that we tend to take responsibility for even those things that were done to us, as if somehow the victim caused the action. Individuals who have had mates cheat on them feel this way, fearing they somehow caused this to happen. People who were physically or sexually abused as children often feel as if they caused it. Somehow even if we didn't do the terrible thing, we can feel ashamed and dirty.

Some people become very good at distracting themselves and never thinking about their shame--except when it pops up, ugly and painful.

But darkness only makes secrets grow more powerful.

Keeping these guarded and boarded inside you takes a lot of energy. Energy that you could use to achieve your goals or that would simply help you relax. Even if you were the one who committed the crime, caused the terrible thing to happen or hurt someone else, forgiving yourself is the first step toward learning from that horrible moment.

And learning from your choices and mistakes helps you to move forward. It salvages the good from a bad situation.

Secrets can pull us under. It's important not to let the darkness claim you. Even those who sin--who make bad, bad choices--can learn and move forward.