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Monday, May 19, 2008

Going With Your Gut

Some decisions just feel right. You have a sense of what you need to do—there may be no question about the choice—but basing every decision on how you feel can lead to a very chaotic life.

Emotion alone doesn’t give you a complete reality. You can feel challenged, unloved or frightened, but this can shift rapidly when you get a different perspective on a given situation. Not everything you feel is true in reality. How you feel, though, is really important. You do need to have an awareness of your emotional experience. Some pieces of information come packaged—wrapped—in emotion. You can’t shut these out and be safe. More and more we are realizing that in many life-threatening situations, victims had an awareness of danger(emotion!) and disregarded this.

You need to know how you feel and not disregard emotion. Then, you need to mix your emotional awareness with some level of objective reasoning. This isn’t easy. When you have strong emotions, rational thought can be difficult.

Particularly with those you love, you may struggle to be objective. Loved ones are the people who provoke the strongest emotions in you—both happiness and anger. But even when you feel betrayed or misunderstood or disregarded, you need to strive for a somewhat logical assessment of the situation. You may feel unloved in a moment when you are actually very loved.

Decisions based purely on emotion leave you vulnerable. Whether you’re making a relationship decision (“Yes, I’ve only known him a week, but I’m moving in with him. He treats me like a queen!”) or buying a car. Make sure you look at the situation as rationally as possible. Just because the car saleswoman seems like she’s really trustworthy doesn’t mean the car is the best deal for you. Similarly, when you’re dating, you need to use your head as well as your heart. How well do you really know the person you’re going home with? Do you even know if he voted Republican or Democrat in the election? Or if he voted at all? Just because you feel close to or loved by someone at the moment, doesn't mean you really know him.

More than fifty percent of marriages end in divorce. The biggest issues are money, sex and dealing with kids. You need to know the person you’re getting involved with or just getting into bed with. Relationships are complicated. Throw in a few ex-spouses and a couple of step-kids and you have a very confusing, distressing situation.

Find some rationality and don’t count only on your friends to help you with this. Friends are friends because they’re on your side. This feels nice, but it doesn’t help you to be objective about which job will be best for you and which ex-lover is likely to have changed his stripes. When you have a big decision to make, don’t go solely with your gut.

Major situations shouldn’t be decided on how you feel. Abusers are wonderfully attentive and flattering…in the beginning. Some jobs look great on paper, but would be hell for you. Don’t think you’re better off finding a situation in which you feel good right now. Experiences change and emotion shifts like the weather. Being able to anchor yourself on reality, gives you a better handle on making choices.

Ask yourself--given all the information in a situation--what you’d tell one of your friends she should do. Step out of your situation and try to look at it as if this wasn’t about you. Think what you’d say to a child of yours, if he were in a similar situation. If you can, talk with a therapist. Being completely outside of the situation, he or she should be able to help you see aspects you haven’t considered.

Finding a complete picture in a situation means including both the logical and the subjective. Listen to your heart, but don’t disregard your head. Both are important.