ASK A QUESTION

Did you search our site for a particular issue and not find an article about it? Do you have a issue on which you would like Dr. Doss' perspective? You can submit a request for "Solicited Advice" here. Just send an email with your question to advice@family-counseling.org.

Note: Due to the volume of questions that Dr. Doss receives, not all email questions can or will be addressed. Please browse the list of articles on this site or use the search function to look for articles that may address your situation.

Monday, March 2, 2009

Don't Dis The In-Laws

You and your significant other had a huge fight and the two of you are hardly talking. Maybe he left and spent the night elsewhere; maybe you’ve been apart for several days or weeks.

It may look like there’s large black cloud over the future and you two have issues you’re not sure how to fix. But breaking up and going your separate ways doesn’t sound good, either, when you cool off a little. You think about the jokes the two of you laughed at and the fun times you share. You might think about tender moments you’ve shared and wonder if you’ll regret ending the relationship.

It’s a very gray situation.

While you’re trying to decide if there’s any possibility for the two of you, you might want to consider your actions carefully. You may have moments when you think you’re totally done and won’t ever see him again…but think carefully before you dis his mother. Don’t say bad things about his best friend and don’t tell your girlfriend about his sexual quirks.

You might stay with this guy, after all.

Until you’re very, very sure that this is over, don’t do or say anything you can’t take back. Even the most smitten of lovers won’t easily forget you saying bad things about his dog. Don’t insult his truck. Don’t make nasty remarks about his sister.

Your best friend might have talked ugly about him when the two of you were split, but you don’t have to tell him what she said. Certain things need to disappear in almost-broke-up land.

There are comments you make and things your family says about him that won’t help in the event of an attempt at reconciliation. While said in the heat of the moment and, generally, under quite a bit of stress, this type of thing isn’t easily forgotten when repeated to your partner.

Relationships are challenging and dark moments occur in even the best. But just because you feel the two of you teetering on the brink of break-up, doesn’t mean you’re going over the edge.

Wait.

Don’t slam any doors, even if you really, really want to. You may feel very differently tomorrow and following your impulses now can lead to long-term problems. The relationship might be difficult now, but you don’t need to make matters worse. You may be able to work through the problems.

Saying angry, impetuous, unforgivable things can seem, well, unforgivable when you really, really want things to work out.