MAKING UP RIGHT

You're starting to think about her calling without wanting to throw your cell phone out the window and the blow-up has blown over. Now, what? While it's very tempting to snuggle up to your squeeze and pretend the whole thing never happened, this would be a mistake.

The problem with letting bygones be bygones is that you still don't get it.

What caused the problems in the first place? You guys might have gotten to the yelling point over a number of things--she was acting like she digged another guy at the club. Or she found out that you'd texted another woman(just as friends). Or you got tired of her nagging you. Maybe she acted like she didn't have time for you. You might have wanted to hang out with your dudes(and she got mad) or you just found out she bought another new pair of shoes and spent an ungodly amount on them. Whatever.

If you get friendly again, hoping this won't happen again, but not doing anything about the problem,...it'll happen again.

Even if this relationship has been hot and has lasted longer than most of your relationships--even if you love her more than you thought you could love a woman--the trouble spots don't just go away. So, make this fight up, but make it up right.

This is about solving the problem.

The first thing is to figure out what the problem really was. It may seem obvious to you(see above list of arguments), but the two of you were fighting about something more central. It may seem too girly to think about this, but what really matters is what you felt about whatever happened. Whether this fight was about money, sex or what you do with your free time, the emotions involved are where it lives.

Money hits down to the core for most people. It means security or having choices or power, but whichever, it's never unimportant. Sex is about feeling loved, powerful, desired or free. You need to figure out--when you were in the middle of the fight--what were you really mad about. Getting to this can be challenging. You'll probably have to do some serious thinking. This is an internal, generally by yourself thing, although sometimes a close friend or a therapist can help by telling you what they see. You need to know what got you hot(in a bad way).

Knowing what bothered you is the first step. You also need to find out what really bothered her--why she got all pissy. If you felt threatened and not important to her when she danced with another guy(several times) at the club, does she get mad back at you because you don't trust her? Maybe the guy asked her to dance and she didn't want to seem like she was blowing him off or you'd gone off to hang with your dudes and she wanted to dance. There are lots of possibilities, but you can't get to the core of the problem until you figure out your own reaction and try to understand hers.

Fighting is an art. Do it well and you have a good chance of being happy in a relationship. Don't resolve things and you'll almost certainly be looking for a new relationship eventually.