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Thursday, May 5, 2011

TOO LATE FOR YOUR RELATIONSHIP?

No one else can tell you when its time for you to move on, to leave a relationship behind. Lots of people may want to, the individuals to whom you've complained about your mate or the one's who've patched you up when things got rough.

Still, they don't get to make this decision.

I see lots of couples who are at difficult spots in their relationships. Sometimes individuals come in, asking whether or not they should leave their partners. Despite the degrees on my wall, my years of experience in working with couples and my own personal experience--having a long term mate--I still don't have the right to answer this question for anyone else.

Even when they want me to, and sometimes they really want me to tell them what to do because they're not sure. I get that. Relationships are incredibly complicated. Even when your spouse makes you crazy and drives you up a wall, you can still have loving moments that you don't want to let go of.

I get all that.

This is why only you can decide whether it's too late for your relationship. I have lots of opinions about this. I think you should consider getting out if either you're physically abused by your mate or you're physically abusive of your mate yourself. This is a very bad thing to have in relationships and can (and should) lead to trouble with the law. At the same time, nothing makes us crazier than conflicts with the one we love most.

I also think you should consider getting out if you're only staying because you don't want to be alone. I know this is very scary and, trust me on this, its a very common fear. Lots of people are afraid of being alone. The difficulty finding partners is witnessed by the variety of dating sites available. Lots and lots of people are looking and many aren't finding anyone.

That still doesn't mean you need to stay. At least when you're looking you're giving yourself a chance at finding a relationship that works for you.

There is a tendency when you have big (or a bunch of small) unresolved conflict in relationships to ride along, hoping things will get better. Hoping you'll get over it, but time alone doesn't solve problems. Lots of people want to argue with me about this, but I've never found that time clears relationship problems. It can give you perspective, but just hoping things will get better overall doesn't yield any long term improvement.

When you have relationship conflict that's not resolved these issues may no longer be discussed, but they've not gone away. They sink to the bottom, like pond sediment, and eventually you're swimming in a very shallow relationship. Pretty soon, unresolved stuff between you turns to poison and kills the love you once felt.

Only you can say if its too late for your relationship--you and your partner. The relationship is the business of the two of you. Both partners have to commit to dealing with whatever issues. No one person can will it better or resolve matters alone. Even just giving in all the time to avoid problems doesn't really avoid anything long term. After a while you get tired of everything always going your partner's way, never yours.

Don't wait for your relationship to die. Don't be like too many of my clients and show up to get help when the relationship is gasping it's last breath. I see lots of people right before they call the divorce lawyer. Learn to deal with issues when they come up.

Give the love a chance to live a little longer. In my book Should I leave Him? I go much more in depth about this decision and attempt to give a framework which might help in the decision process, but only you can decide when you're done.